Spoiler Saturday--That's Not Our Saturn Girl!

WARNING: This contains spoilers for last week's Doomsday Clock #5, so if you haven't read it yet (and plan to), well, come back to this rant another day. It will still be here.

SPOILERS commence after 5 harmless pictures...

Still with us? OK, commencing rant...

Look, you all know how displeased I am that DC is continuing to do nothing with the Legion Of Super-Heroes.

Perhaps the most frustrating part is, they have people wanting to do something with the Legion, but no one is allowed to. There are even rumors that a certain big-name writer was willing to sign an exclusive with DC if he could do a Legion book, but he was told, "no."

Why? Well, again, according to rumor, no one at DC is allowed to use the Legion, or the Justice Society, until Geoff Johns has finished Doomsday Clock. Because his Watchmen/DC Universe crossover is going to have such mindbogglingly important impacts on those franchises, that anything done between now and then would just have to rebooted, apparently.

It's a pretty massive bit of ego and chutzpah, frankly. Especially as Doomsday Clock #5 just came out last week, which means there are 7 more bi-monthly issues left (with more delays not unlikely), so it will be over a year until the series finishes.

Still, this means Johns must have big, exciting plans for the Legion, right? Well, now, it's kind of hard to tell. Saturn Girl has been locked in present-day Arkham Asylum for 2 years now, since Rebirth #1. I mean, that's literally it. Once a year or so, we've gotten a panel or two reprising that concept, with zero advancement of the "plot," and zero on any other Legionnaires. Ditto for the Justice Society, where Rebirth #1 had Johnny Thunder in a retirement home raving about "the lightning," and not much since.

Well, finally, last week we got some progress. In Doomsday Clock #5, 102 year old Johnny Thunder has slipped away from the retirement home to search for something, when he's set upon by a group of druggie droogs looking for a score.

But don't worry, nu-Rorschach and Saturn Girl have escaped Arkham, and they are there to rescue him--and to dole out a little of the old ultra-v:

Brutal.

But let's look at Saturn Girl again:

Really? That's Saturn Girl, Imra Ardeen? For the 30th/31st century? From The Legion Of Super-Heroes? Who just looks on completely nonplussed as nu-Rorschach maims and/or kills these guys? (And the fact that she says they would have died anyway so "everything evens out" sure as hell implies that nu-Rorschach is indeed straight-up killing them!)

And wait a minute...how did she know all of them were going to overdose that night? Is Johns confusing her with Dream Girl, giving her prophecy powers? Or are we to believe that, because she's from a future (reminder: according to the nu52, the Legion isn't even from Earth-Prime's future!!), she somehow knows the fate of billions of people? She bothered to look up and memorize how every two-bit mugger and drug addict will die?

So this is Geoff Johns' conception of Saturn Girl: content to watch blasély as her ally beats several men to death in front of her?

At least Johnny Thunder had the sensibility to be shocked by the violence.

Look, the story's not over yet (for quite awhile). And we haven't gotten anything resembling actual story or plot advancement yet. So, maybe it will turn out that it's not really Saturn Girl. Or that being trapped in the past has driven her a bit bonkers, so she's not herself. Or, it's all Doc Manhattan's fault. Or something.

But this is also Geoff Johns, who had Superboy-Prime behead Pantha, who turned the Superman of Earth-2 into a villain for Infinite Crisis, who decided that Barry Allen couldn't be a hero unless his mother was murdered. And you've seen above, where one of the founders of the Legion has become, it seems, a sociopathic monster. This is the guy we're going to trust to establish the new status quo with the Legion?

Please, DC. Please, whomever eventually replaces Diane Nelson. Release the Legion. Geoff Johns is not the man who should be re-establishing the hopeful, optimistic future of the DC Universe.

Thus endeth the rant.

Spoiler Saturday--Speech Therapy

If you missed it, in last month's Infinity Countdown #1, The Gardener made a little change to Groot:

So...no more "I am Groot."

Which I have no problem with. It's a fine conceit, but one that's ultimately super-limiting to creators. It can be tough to make Groot an actual character when all you can do is present one-sided conversations, essentially making him the Guardians' R2-D2. I, for one, welcome the newly verbose Groot (although I question whether always referring to himself in the 3rd person a la the Hulk is the best choice).

Which puts the ball firmly in DC's court. Because it's long past time they fixed Etrigan.

I've talked about his before. The Demon, aside from his entrance/exit spell, did not rhyme when Kirby created him.

Then, after his appearance in Alan Moore's Swamp Thing, it was pretty much all rhyme, all the time.

Some have done it better than other...but most writers really aren't very good at the rhyming shtick.

Which is especially frustrating, as Moore made it clear that Etrigan's verse was because of holding a particular rank in Hell. And since he has been demoted/promoted many times since, there's no reason for him to continue to speak in crap verse.

Others have tried, via story or retcon, to end the rhyming, but it never sticks. The Demon is always back to rhyming before too long, either by editorial fiat, or a misguided devotion to "do what Alan Moore did."

It's his version of "I am Groot"--his manner of speaking has become so synonymous with the character, it gets in the way of developing him as a character.

So, DC...if Marvel can dump "I am Groot," don't you think you guys could just put down Etrigan's verse? Please?

OK, you can keep some of his rhymes...

Spoiler Saturday--When Batman Became Axe Cop?!?

OK, this is going to spoil Dark Knights: Metal #1 a bit, so maybe come back later if you haven't read it yet.

Spoilers commence after the 5 pictures of metal...

Still here?

As you know, I haven't exactly been thrilled with DC's use of Batman the past few years.

Yes, there's room for many possible interpretations of the character. Yes, there's a place for Justice League Batman and International Man Of Mystery Batman and what have you.

But lately, that's all we get, as street-level crime-fighting has been as non-existent in the Bat-titles as thought balloons. It seems each and every Batman story has to involve a city-level extinction event now (or larger!), as bank robberies and organized crime are too low-rent for everyone's favoritest hero. Sad fact: if today's Batman were around in Bruce Wayne's youth, his parents still would have died, because this Batman has no time for mere muggers. No, it's so much cooler and true to the concept that he's killing Darkseid or beating the crap out of Superman or knocking out Solomon Grundy with one punch.

It's almost as if his current adventures are being dreamed up by children, in ever-escalating flights of imagination to make Batman progressively bigger and tougher and badd-asser in a upwards spiral of silliness.

Maybe I'm overthinking this? Sure.

But then again, there's this week's Dark Knights: Metal #1, which reveals the ultimate plot for the latest DC crossover:

Yes, Batman is now the most important being in the multiverse. 

Or, as a 6-year old might describe the plot:

There's this other multiverse, but it's worse because it's the DARK multiverse, and Batman is so cool and tough that he became every hero in this DARK multiverse because he's much better than other heroes but somehow OUR Batman is so badass that he never turned evil, oh, and somehow every special piece of metal that ever existed in the DC Universe is connected and is really from the DARK multiverse and that's what every hero got their powers from and now all those EVIL Bat-heroes are coming to our multiverse to kill everybody and we're going to have an event-within-the-event called "Bats Out Of Hell" because that's so awesome and this event is going to be so cool and at the end every one of our heroes will be beaten but OUR Batman is so super-special and awesome that he'll beat the evil ALL BY HIMSELF!!!!

Yes, that's an entirely accurate description of Dark Nights: Metal (except for the last bit, which is just guesswork on my part, but Scott Snyder is writing it, so you know that's how it will end). And yeah. in it's own demented, throw-in-everything-including-the-kitchen-sink way, it'll be fun.

But it's still not my Batman...and somewhere in Gotham, a kid just got killed by an out-of-control getaway car, because Bruce was too busy being the most important person in the multiverse to notice.

Spoiler Saturday--You Really Should Be Reading Hawkeye!

A simple primer on why you should be reading Hawkeye:

Kate Bishop has come to the penthouse of a swanky building for a meeting with a crime lord. Fun ensues (click to on the panels to embiggen to full ass-kicking size):

Slow clap for artist Leonardo Romero and writer Kelly Thompson.

Kate Bishop--Don't mess with her, OK?

From Hawkeye #7 (2017)

Spoiler Saturday--You Know Who Doesn't Get Enough Respect? Kate Bishop, That's Who!

It needs to be said--

--DON'T. MESS. WITH. HAWKEYE.

From Hawkeye #2 (2017). Art by Leonardo Romero

Spoiler Saturday--Another New Power?!?!

You'd think, with everything that a Kryptonian under a yellow sun can do, you wouldn't need to keep inventing new powers for them.

Jon (can we start calling him Superboy yet?) Lois are watching Superman fight Doomsday on TV, because it's better than watching BvS.

And Jon gets a little excited upon seeing a particular mammoth blow from his papa:

So, wait...Kryptonians are super-loud?!?!

Now, in fairness, Jon is a Kryptonian/human hybrid, so maybe this "so loud he shatters glass and can be heard in the next state" thing is unique to him. And he came from another dimension, so maybe it's like Silver Age Black Canary, and he now has vocal powers!!

Still, enough is enough, guys--can we just hit the brakes on any new super-powers? At least for awhile?

From Action Comics #960 (2016)

Spoiler Saturday--Scooby-Doo Team-Up #16

The best comic book out this week, by far?

This one:

Yup.

And now I'm going to spoil the living hell out of it. Because I know not you're believing me on how beautiful it is, and I need to convince you to buy it when you head into your Local Comics Shoppe today for FCBD.

So after the 3 Scooby Doo pictures, spoilage commences. Come back later if you don't want to be spoiled....

OK, spoilers commence!

#1 cool thing about this story? While the cover maintains the ridiculous "SHAZAM Family" facade, in the interior Solly Fisch gives zero fraks about ridiculous corporate diktats:

Yup, they're called by their traditional names, and referred to as "The Marvel Family" throughout. Take that, nu52 idiots!!

#2 cool thing about this story?

Tawky Tawny and Uncle Marvel, completely unironically. Because old school, fools!!

#3 cool thing about this comic book (and honestly, the coolest)?

Yeah, they went there.

#4 cool thing about this book?

Mar-Velma tricks IBAC into turning back into a mortal...

...while Freddy totally pulls an "updog" on SABBAC:

Gotta love dumb villains.

#5 cool thing about this book: Old Man Shazam reveals how Shaggy and Velma transformed:

Look, I haven't bought any issues of Scooby Doo Team-Up before this. But this issue is making me reconsider that stance.

And given that it's been 4+ years since Geoff Johns ruined reinvented the Marvel Family as a concept, yet ZERO creators at DC seem in the least bit interested in doing anything whatsoever with the new concept, this is the best dose of Shazam that we're going to get for awhile.

So go buy it, and enjoy!