The Legacy Of...SATAN?!?

As you may have heard, as part of it's Legacy relaunch, many Marvel titles are going to come with a little 4-page "primer" in the front, updating potential new readers on the premise of the series, and the character(s)' history. (DC did the same thing a few years ago, about 10 minutes before they made it all irrelevant with the nu52 reboot)

Marvel has just released the first set of those primers for free on Comixology. so, hey, FREE!!

One of those primers was for the new Spirits Of Vengeance team, with Blade and Ghost Rider and Satana and "Hellstorm" joining forces. Let's look at Daimon's panel, shall we?

Wait just one second!!

As you may recall, when Daimon Hellstrom first appeared, he was the Son Of Satan. No if, ands or buts--his origin very clearly made him the offspring of Satan.

Eventually, for reasons never made clear, Marvel got spooked by the idea of having the literal Biblical Satan as a villain in their universe. So in an increasingly convoluted series of lies retcons, they declared that Daimon's father was some other demon just pretending to be Satan. See Ghost Rider stories from the same era where they pulled the same switcharoo.

Ever since, Daimon hasn't been the son of Satan, and he hasn't been called the Son Of Satan. Marvel keeps changing things around--his true father was Marduk? Satannish?

But check out what they just said:

Now, I'll grant you that his is just a primer, not a complete and thorough biography. And the trademarkable character logo still names him "Hellstorm." But you can't help but notice that they did call him "the son of Satan," not "the son of a demon."

How about his sister?

Same deal.

Of course, Satana never had to change her name in the first place. Apparently, like Satannish, adding a nonsense suffix syllable to the end Satan makes it OK to use the name.

But she had gone through the same origin revision as Daimon. And now Marvel is declaring that Satan is a proud papa again!

So remember--now, and forever more, Disney owns Satan!!

Satanic Romance Comics!!

Remember when Daimon Hellstrom was "The Son Of Satan?" Before Marvel wussed out and decided that they couldn't mention the "real" Satan anymore, so Daimon became the son of some other demon pretending to Satan? Lame.

Anyway, did you ever wonder how Satan and Daimon's mom hooked up? Sure you have--and it's a tale worthy of a romance comic:

Seriously, that's how Daimon learned his true parentage--reading the diary of his deceased mom. Helluva a thing, no?

Anyhoo, we have the standard chance meeting...

OK, "handsome" in a Herb Trimpe sorta way...

Yup, pretty much the same as any romance comic!!

Crying Daimon Hellstrom is the best Daimon Hellstrom!!

Domestic bliss ensued...

Maybe there was a Girl Scout merit badge for animal sacrifice?!?!

OK, so who hasn't gotten involved with someone who later turned out to be completely evil? Hands?

I thought so.

From Marvel Spotlight #13 (1974)

Manic Monday--Monday Morning Mantra!!

Once again, we here at Slay Monstrobot want to help you start the week with maximum energy and efficiency.

So please, please repeat this as often as possible at work/school today:

(Remember, of course, to make it gender appropriate. Daimon Hellstrom is equal opportunity in his dark and horrible power.)

From Patsy Walker, A.K.A. Hellcat #16 (2017)

Manic Boxing Day--Son of Whom, Now?

Well, lookie who's dressed up as Santa!

And he's not just Daimon Hellstrom or Hellstorm of whatever...

Man, it's been awhile since they've used that "Son Of Satan"moniker, hasn't it?

Daimon started out as Son Of Satan, of course, but at some point Marvel decided that that was a little too taboo or them, and started a series of retcons/revelations that Daimon (and his sister, Satanna) were really the offspring of some other, more minor lord of Hell. (Satannish? Really? "He's not actually Stan, he's just a little bit Satannish!")

So ever since, you'd be hard pressed to find a reference to him as Son Of Satan. But, at least for the purposes of the Power Man And Iron Fist: Sweet Christmas Annual #1 (2017), Satan is back, baby!!

And remember--this means that Disney owns Satan. Where's our animated feature, guys?

Finding The Next Guardians

Well, if the Guardians Of The Galaxy film proved one thing, it's that Marvel can make a film out of pretty much any of its properties, no matter how obscure. If you write it well and direct it well (and advertise the living hell out of it and give it a bitchin' soundtrack), people will come.

And the (modern) Guardians comic proved that if you just take a bunch of random, underused characters (ahem LOSERS ahem) who really don't have any relation to each other and throw them together, that can work. A more successful version of the Defenders, it seems.

So I'm going to help Marvel find it's "next Guardians," the C and D characters who will rack of a few hundred million at the box office.

And to make it a challenge, I'm only going to use characters who've starred in Marvel Premiere and Marvel Spotlight, because that's a key breeding ground for losers.

Let's start with this guy...

...and his sister:

People keep forgetting that Disney owns Satan (at least, Marvel's version!)

People keep saying, "Demons are the new zombies," whatever that means. Well, if it's true, the Marvel Cinematic Universe is primed to take advantage, with a brother/sister act that makes Pietro and Wanda look like Sugar & Spike.

Next up:

I know, I know...but people said a talking raccoon would never work, either. Bonus: it recaptures the Mantlo/Giffen magic of Rocket! Bonus: hundreds of "They made a Woodgod movie before they made a Wonder Woman movie" tweets.

Next:

Look, if Marvel is going keep making their movies 3D, they might as well get meta about it, right? Plus, his origin is a prime opportunity to work Skrulls into the MCU...

Next:

Oh, come on, just look at that! It's already a damn movie poster! Sci-fi sword and sorcery werewolf?!? That's higher than high concept--it's brilliant!

Finally:

Let's out-obscure Star Lord, shall we? A blind bounty-hunter from an alternate future who uses a golden mechanical falcon named Ulyssess to see?!? Think of all the "bird's-point-of-view" shots the director could indulge himself with!

So that's our new Guardians: Son Of Satan and Satana, Woodgod, 3D Man, Man-Wolf, and Monark Starstalker! Hmm...what shall we call our new franchise? The Defenders? The Champions? Whatever, it's money in the bank!

Wait, you say...what about this guy?

Sorry, even Marvel couldn't make a good film out of this guy...

Bold Fashion Choices--(The Son Of) The Devil Wears Prada?

A bonus pin-up from West Coast Avengers Annual #3 (1988):

Oh, dear. Someone actually thought that was an OK costume for the Son Of Satan?

Oh, that's right, this was the period when Marvel chickened out on the whole "Satan" angle for many of their supernatural heroes. It was no longer Satan that Johnny Blaze had made his deal with, but Mephisto; Daimon Hellstrom wasn't the son of Satan, but the demon Marduk; etc. [there have been many re-retcons and de-retcons since, but all go to great lengths to make sure we know the "actual" Satan wasn't involved...]

And since they couldn't/wouldn't call him Son Of Satan anymore, they called him "Hellstorm." And since bare chests with pentagrams were apparently no longer on the menu, they gave him this abomination of a costume.

Sadly, it wasn't good taste (or coming to their senses) that made the above an unpublished cover. It was just that that was the month of Marvel's stupidest "cover event" ever, when every mag featured just a portrait of one of the books' stars surrounded by a border mural of various Marvel heroes:

Next month, they had no problem featuring the stupid costume (on a pretty stupid cover):

Note as well the lame mini-trident. Insert size jokes here at your discretion.

In a few years they'd relaunch him again, back to the bare chest and pentagram, back to the full-size trident, minus the cape, give him a rad ponytail because it was the 90s...but they kept the "Hellstorm," going so far as to actually change his surname from Hellstrom to Hellstorm:

But no matter how edgy & cool they tried to make him, no one could ever forget that the "son of Satan" once dressed like a circus acrobat carrying a large salad fork:

The only evil there is evil costume design...

Self-Awareness Saturday--The Mighty Thor #21

From this week's Mighty Thor #21:

Dude, you're only 40 years late in demanding the guy put on a damned shirt!! (And I mean that literally, as any shirt he wore would no doubt be damned...)

What, he can't get a tunic or T-shirt with the cursed emblem on it?

The ladies ain't impressed, is all I'm saying, Daimon.

Friday Night Fights--Hot, Wet, Thick Bubbling Mucous Style!!

Of course you know that here at Slay Monstrobot we are justly proud of the fact that we are the number 1 result in the Google search for "man-on-animal action."

But it's time to expand our repertoire. It's time for "hellspawn-on-demonic-beast action."

Which brings us to tonight's Friday Night Fight.

Daimon Hellstrom is walking around St. Louis shirtless--because wouldn't you if you were Satan's kid in the 70s?--when a mysterious fortune teller's curse sends something to attack him:

Now that's a crispy critter!!

Spacebooger is crying over the poor puppy...

PETA has quite a bone to pick with Satan and Son thanks to Steve Gerber, Sal Buscema and Al McWilliams in Marvel Spotlight #20 (1975)

Now is the time for you to go and vote for my fight this week. Why? Because who the heck else gave you hot, wet, thick bubbling mucous?? So go and vote!!

Great Moments In Storytelling--Marvel Spotlight #20!!

Oh, are you ready?

Are you bracing yourself for the most action-packed tale ever, a combination of words and pictures that only comic books can bring you?

Uh-oh. The Tarot. Rarely a good sign for an action-packed tale.

Well, let's put our faith in Steve Gerber and Sal Buscema, right??

Anyway, a student of Daimon Hellstrom's gal pal (a professor of parapsychology) has received a vaguely threatening Tarot card/solicitation for a free reading in the mail, and they decide to investigate the mysterious Madame Swabada.

Daimon insists on getting his reading first, because, well, Son Of Satan, you know?




Thank heavens they showed the shuffling, along with the instructions for shuffling!! Please, more detail!!

Wait a minute...are they seriously going to show us the entire reading, card-by-card, panel-by-panel?

Yes...but not panel by-panel:


Ah, just what we needed...a lengthy typeset essay, in the easily-readable white print on black background (click to embiggen to full lecture size)!! Followed a splash page of angsty floating heads looking at cards!! That will make a Tarot reading interesting to comic readers!!

Of course, this isn't the only time Steve Gerber resorted to illustrated essays in a comic book. And, in complete fairness, there's some pretty cool stuff later in the issue.

But man, what a way to bring your story to a screeching halt, just 4 pages into the issue. I wonder how many readers just gave up...

Perhaps there ought to be a rule: if Sal Buscema can't find a way to illustrate your bit in an exciting way, it's time for a re-think.

From Marvel Spotlight #20 (1975)