Manic Monday--Life On Mars!!

He's only been on Earth for a year (in our time), and J'onn J'onzz hasn't given up on contacting home. So he makes one more try with his super-advanced communication device:

Hey!

And on any planet, mothers are still mothers...

Yes, early in his history, we didn't have the rule that heroes' lives must be filled with tragedy. Sure, J'onn was exiled on Earth. But he wasn't the sole survivor of his species, he didn't lose his wife and children (because he didn't have either!), his parents were alive and well...it was only later retcons that added the tons of angst to J'onn's backstory.

Because being a shape-shifting Martian detective with amazing powers was good enough back in the day, and having a hero who was happy wasn't a bad thing...

From Detective Comics #236 (1956)

The Giant DC Comics Slogan Contest!!

It's 1956, so it's time for...

Tell us more...

Of special note:

You have to mutilate *5* different comic book to enter--FIVE!!

In fairness, the other side of the coupon was just a text piece that nobody ever read. But still--5 mutilated comics books.

But hey, it is "definitely possible" to win more than one prize, so please, deface 10 comics! 15! 20!! There's no limit!!

As to the slogan itself...?

Wow. If those are the best example you can come up with, no wonder you need to outsource your sloganeering to children!

It is interesting, because this ad appeared in October 1956 comics, which means it was exact the same  month as Barry Allen's debut. Most of DC's Silver Age had debuted yet, which limits a lot of your slogan possibilities.

And only 15 words? How can you come up with something better than "DC Comics are Decent Comics"?!?

And our prizes?

So, wait: there are 200 Third Prizes for boys, and only 120 Third Prizes for girls? That is some serious bullshit there, DC. Maybe the slogan should have been "DC COMICS--Mostly for boys!"

Anyway, you guys work on your own slogans for DC--15 words or less! No prizes, but eternal fame awaits!!

From Detective Comics #236 (1956)

Manic Monday Bonus--Take That, Justin Turdeau!!

From the letters column in Superboy #115 (1964):

Silver Age DC fans: Hey, characters violating obscure, never-enforced laws ruins our enjoyment of this super-powered fantasy!

Silver Age DC editors: It's OK to mutilate Canadian currency!!

Still perhaps that's preferable to...

Some modern DC fans: To hell with laws, Superman should straight up murder bad guys.

Modern DC editors and movie makers: We're with you.

Wow, this got real dark real fast...

Manic Monday--The True Cause Of Global Warming!

Brace yourself...

SCIENCE!!!

OK, in fairness, it was still canon at this point that Superboy grew up in the 1930s, so these scientists might not have been as clued in as they should be on "nuclear blasts."

But their next idea suggests that yes, they are stupid:

So, off to the moon, where...

Geez!! Take some Gas-X, Superboy!!

And...there's a side effect:

And in Kal-El's gut?

Rather than just taking a couple of Prilosec, Superboy tries going underwater and into the vacuum of space to extinguish his fire breath. But no luck.

Next plan?!?

!!!!

Folks, DC writers realized this 54 years ago. So maybe it's not a Chinese hoax?!?

It needs to be said, though, that the DC writers didn't quite realize the scope of the problem...

One village, saved with a sea-wall. Maybe it's really not that big of a threat?!?

Anyway, since his flame-breath won't go away, Superboy goes to live on the "fire planet," and:

YOW!!!!

The moral of the story? Don't let Superboy give you mouth-to-mouth. God knows what he's been breathing!!

(And before anyone asks, this was 1 1/2 years after Fire Lad was introduced with the Legion Of Substitute Heroes, and he didn't come from a planet like this. He inhaled odd meteorite vapors to get his power...still, if I were allowed to write comics, maybe there's a story here...)

From Superboy #115 (1964)

Batmania And The Decline Of Superman!

People love to talk about the Batman '66 series and its impact, but they don't often talk about this:

Yeah, typical goofy-ass story of the Silver Age, Go-Go Check era. But look at that cover more closely:

Yup, this issue was published late in 1966, when Batmania was at full steam. And DC decided they wanted to tap into that, and try to attract curious casual Batman fans to Superman.

Now, let's not forget that DC already had an entire comic devoted to Batman and Superman teaming up. But apparently, that wasn't synergistic enough. We had to try to draw in Batman TV fans to Action Comics!

And it wasn't just the cover:

Talk about adding insult to injury:

It's pretty sad that, in Superman's flagship title, they had to reassure Superman fans that they would like the story, too.

And throughout the tale:

"Bat-Buddies"??? How desperately craven can you sound, trying to suck up to "Batman fans?"

For what it's worth, this was a terribly, terribly, very terribly stupid story, and if any "Batman fan" were lured into reading Action Comics regularly by this tale, well, I'd be pretty disappointed in them.

But perhaps this is the first instance, the tiniest scintilla of a hint, that DC was beginning to consider Batman cooler than Superman. Not The Dark Knight Returns, not O'Neill/Adams or Englehart/Rogers, but all the way back in 1966, when they thought they needed to pander to Batman TV viewers to boost sales on Action Comics.

From Action Comics #344 (1966)

That Time Batman Discovered Pym Particles!!

Batman has cornered a gang of ne'er-do-wells in a building where SCIENCE is taking place!

Well, of course, everyone knows that upper atmosphere gases...

MAKE YOU BIG!!! 

(BTW, did anybody else feel ripped off by the movie Big? Didn't you think it would have been far better if, instead of turning into an adult, the kid turned into a giant? Just sayin'.)

Anyway, a big-ass Batman is great for fighting crime.

But there's one tried and true method to stop him:

Throw barrels of ground pepper at him. No, really.

Still, Colossal Batman has his uses:

But it's a good thing he's a billionaire, because when it's feeding time?

Some crooks do capture him.--because giants can always be caught by normal folks, you know--but Batman really does prepare for everything!

So, if it takes truckloads to feed Mega-Batman, just how much make-up did it take to so completely disguise his huge face?!?

Anyway, it's the Silver Age, so of course Superman disguised himself to fill in for Bruce Wayne at some can't-miss function, and the gasses wore off, and it's all back to status quo in the last panel.

Oh, Kal-El, you've never been more wrong. We need more Giant Batman. More and more!!

From Detective Comics #292 (1961)

All Of This Has happened Before, And All of This Will Happen Again!

A new magician is taking the country by storm!!

Well, what's next for the great Zemu?

Wait...

This all feels familiar, somehow...

But there's more to Zemu than meets the eye:

YOW!!!

By the way...what the hell?

See, all of his magic was just advanced Saturnian science!!

Fortunately, Doctor Droom (later retconned into Dr. Druid, for reasons I never understood...) is on the case:

Earth is saved!! Well, at least one state in the US. of A. is saved (California, right? It had to be California!)!

But then we get the moral/info dump:

See, this is why the Droom/Druid thing never made a lot of sense. Droom explicitly rejected magic. Meanwhile, Druid, by his very name, was all about the magic. Sure, he still had the mental abilities, but they were "activated" for him by the Ancient One, and he used "Druid magic rituals," and summoned Celtic gods, and used relics created by Agamotto. Droom was Scully, Druid was Mulder.

Anyway, always check to see if the politician making fantastical promises is really from Saturn, is all I'm saying.

From Amazing Adventures #3 (1961)