Spoiler Sunday--What Are Teachers Teaching The Children In Marvel-616?

[MINOR SPOILERS FOR NOVA #15]

A bit of background--Karl Moffet is a it of as bully towards Sam Alexander, our current Nova. But Karl just recently had a frightening close encounter with Beta Ray Bill, even though no one believes him.

So:

Now wait just one darn tootin' minute!!

Sam, of course, is just trying to torment his tormentor--he's well aware of many, many aliens out there.

But what about the teacher?

Let's be clear that this is Marvel-616, which in recent months has seen:

**The Hulk lead a force of alien warriors to Earth, publicly devastating Manhattan.

**A full-fledged alien invasion by Skrulls, who broadcast messages to the all people of Earth. And the entire world saw Norman Osborn shoot an alien queen in the head, which led to him becoming crazy popular and being put in charge of H.A.M.M.E.R.

**Asgard floating over Oklahoma, and an invasion of surly ur-Asgardians, again kicking the crap out of the entire planet. (Sure, they may or may not be technically aliens--but the question is what do the citizens of Earth consider them? Do they believe that they're actual gods?!?)

**Thanos and his minions taking over the planet whilst the Avengers were away.

All of these were massively covered by the media, and all had to have had some fairly major repercussions--economically, socially--on the whole country, if not the world.

Now, the tiny town of Carefree, Arizona was probably not directly impacted by too much of this. But then again, they weren't at ground zero for 9/11 or the moonwalk, either.

So, when this unnamed "science" teacher to say that there "may" be life out there, that there are "no signs" of regular visits, and to agree with Sam that it's all just media fiction...Really? Is this the guy we want teaching science to our kids? Because, well, that's shockingly ignorant, isn't it?

Or has the government done such a wonderful job of covering everything up, of running disinformation campaigns to hide the truth, that this is a mainstream opinion amongst the normal denizens of the Marvel Universe? "Oh, those New Yorkers, they exaggerate everything!" "Oh, it's just the administration trying to distract us from the economy?"

Then again, the people loved Osborn after Secret Invasion--that was a major plot point, that's why the president gave him the job. And Asgard is just hanging there, for everyone to see...

So, Marvel citizens? Dupes or dopes? Or is this teacher just some outlier...?

Tales From The Quarter Bin--Marvel Chillers #7!!

Why was 1976 such a grand time in the Marvel Universe?

Because where else could you get...

...a Tony Isabella/John Byrne story starring Tigra and Red Wolf...

...which turned into a Jim Shooter/George Tuska slugfest pitting Tigra and Red Wolf against the Super-Skrull and a jumpsuited robot, in a battle to the death for a mystical Indian totem stick known as the Soul Catcher...with a cover by Jack Kirby, to boot!!

Sadly, this was the last issue of Marvel Chillers, as by 1976 it seems the world was either not ready for such awesome radness, or the time was rapidly passing for anthology titles starring non-stars. The first two issues of Marvel Chiller starred Modred the Mystic, for crying out loud!!

Tigra soon turned up in the pages of the Fantastic Four, and a couple of years after that, she joined the Avengers, where she's led a quiet, controversy-free career ever since...

Red Wolf? He turns up once in awhile, most recently as part of the Texas team of The Initiative...and it turned out that his wolf Lobo was really a Skrull. (Yes, I know that's the same stunt they pulled with Amadeus Cho and Kirby. Reason #6,457 that Skrullapalooza stunk...)

It is interesting...in these two issues he's referred to as "The Indian Avenger" 4 times. Given how much time Marvel has spent trying to build up the Avengers brand, you'd think that somebody would latch onto that and give him at least a back-up series or something (re-branded as something more politically correct, of course...)

Oh, and the Super-Skrull got sucked into the Soul Catcher, only to get released the following year to fight Spider-Man, the Human Torch and Ms. Marvel in Marvel Team-Up by Claremont and Byrne.

Like I said--Marvel circa 1976: pretty rad place.

Ahem

...told you so...

Tempest In A Tea Party

Well, by now everybody's read about the latest brouhaha, where several weeks after the fact it was suddenly discovered that an issue of Captain America wasn't exactly complimentary to some political factions.

Now of course, a comic like Captain America should never ever ever get involved with politics. I mean, look at the reaction. Writer Ed Brubaker has said, "When that issue came out we got a lot of . . . threatening letters and hate mail. Some people really opposed what Cap stood for."

Oh, wait, that wasn't Ed Brubaker, that was Joe Simon. And he was talking about reaction to this:

A year before the U.S. entered the war, a sizable group of people wanted the U.S. to stay out of Europe's business, and some groups even sympathized with Hitler. Of course, in hindsight, everyone now thinks Captain America punching Hitler in the jaw is freakin' awesome (which it is). But back in December 1940 (when the issue was released...cover date March 1941), it was extremely controversial, and got the creators death threats. Lord only knows what the reaction would have been like if the internet had been around back then. Demands for apologies, declarations about how offensive it was to have a hero smack around a head of state, nobody ever reprinting the cover of Captain America Comics #1, cats and dogs living together...

Now, let's be clear. I take no sides on the "tea party" business, and I'm in no way comparing them to Nazis. My point is this: from the very moment of his creation, Captain America has been a consciously, explicitly political character. That's his raison d'etre.

Cap has ALWAYS been political:

Cap has ALWAYS been political:

Cap has ALWAYS been political:

CAP HAS ALWAYS BEEN POLITICAL:

Captain America has always been political, and it's pretty foolish to suddenly gasp in shock and complain when, for once, the comic picks on your particular group.

I should also note that this is Marvel, who during the 2008 campaign published a book that said that Obama supporters were Skrull-loving ninnies. I don't recall any apologies, and I don't recall any panels being altered in the trades to avoid offending someone. So, given the respective sales clout between Bendis and Brubaker, I think it's pretty damn hard to argue that somehow Marvel is reflexively knee-jerk towards one political side or the other.

I suppose it is kind of cute that people with real world issues to worry about can get so bent out of shape over a comic book. To those people, I suggest that they do back and read some of the political debates our Founders participated in, where seemingly no insult or calumny was considered too offensive, no insult or insinuation too unseemly for newspapers to print. If you wish to participate in the political arena and emulate the Founders, you had best grow a thicker skin.

For anybody still so offended by Captain America, I might suggest you change your reading material to Archie or Richie Rich, where your tender sensibilities run little risk of being challenged.

Manic Monday--WWS-MD?

Last week in New Avengers #52, Spider-Man threw a royal holier-than-thou snit fit because the renegade Avengers are using a...ahem..."borrowed" Quinjet.






So, this is obviously a hugely important bit of character development, right? Bendis spent over 2 pages having Spidey protest the Avengers using a stolen Quinjet.

There we have have it, then. We clearly know What Would Spider-Man Do in such a circumstance.

Hey, what's this sitting here? Why, it's Secret Invasion #1, from a year ago!!



Hmmm, that sure looks like Spider-Man actively participating in a physical assault on Black Widow... in order to steal a Quinjet. And not a syllable of whinging about how this is wrong, or how "stealing is stealing," or worry about it coming back to bite them in the ass.

And look, it was also written by Bendis.

Gee, maybe that pre-Secret Invasion Spider-Man really was a Skrull.

Or maybe, just maybe, when it comes to the Avengers, Bendis is a hack who never let's the characterizations he himself has established get in the way of whatever "clever" bit of dialogue he wants to do in the current issue.

The Absent-Minded Reed Richards

Damn.

I mean, damn.

Every time I think Bendis can't get...OK, how do I want to phrase this? I don't want to say "stupider," because he's not a stupid man. He's written comic books I love (Powers) and comics a lot of other people speak very highly of that I've never read (Ultimate Spider-Man).

But when it comes to the Avengers mags and the Skrullapalooza stuff, he does some very stupid things.

OK, so Marvel won't give him Alias to write again, or a Luke Cage title, and therefore he's converted New Avengers into the All Cage/Jessica Jones Soap Opera Hour. Fine. He needed some justification to keep the mag going now that Purple Reign has reordered things, fine.

But Bendis is the worst goddamn plotter in the universe, because as long as he gets from point A to point B he's satisfied, regardless of whether or not that completely contradicts something he himself wrote 5 minutes ago.

What am I going on about? How about Reed Richards "Skrull detector?" As we saw in Skrullapalooza #5, Mr. Fantastic (in about 30 seconds) whooped together a device that would force Skrulls--even the new undetectable Skrulls--back into their green ugly form. In the Savage Land, it takes the fake "returned heroes"--who didn't even know they were Skrulls--and turns 'em back:




The very next issue, Reeds device works on a whole, vast battlefield, apparently covering all of Central Park and hundreds (thousand?) of Skrulls, "reverting them to their natural forms."

Well, that's a handy thing to have, and in the aftermath of the invasion, you'd think that Richards would whip up bunches of those to Homeland Security and the military...you'd think that for months you couldn't go anywhere without being subjected to a Skrull detector. If you accept the premises of Skrullapalooza and Purple Reign, there's no way that couldn't happen, right?!?

Ah, but you see, that's where Bendis had written himself into a corner. Because if you have a powerful and easy to use method of detecting Skrulls, than you don't need to spend gosh knows how many issues hunting down Skrull Jarvis, you don't have to have Cage sell out to Norman Osborn, you don't have any reason for this grouping of heroes.

So how does Bendis get around this?? We see in New Avengers #48. By cheating

Again, in close-up:

Well, that's a load of balderdash. We saw in the Bendis-written Skrullapalooza that Reed's device could detect and revert Skrulls who weren't shape-shifting. His device overcame their "undetectable by our standards and measurements" abilities!!!! That was the whole point!!! It worked on the Antarctica Skrulls, who WEREN'T shape shifting and were brainwashed to not know that they were even aliens! Has this wondrous device vanished?!? Does it no longer function the way it did? If it could bathe all of Central Park in its ultra-effectiveness, how long would it take to run it all over New York City?

So is Bendis unable to remember what he wrote a couple of months ago? (It wouldn't be the first time he's had Reed forgetting exactly what he already knew about the new Skrulls...) Does he not care that he's contradicting his own basic premise? Does he hold the audience in that much contempt that he thinks that we won't notice

Or is he just a lazy writer who doesn't care what he puts down on the page, as long as it gets him from point A to his desired point B?

Bendis, please please please--less Avengers, more Powers. OK??

Full of Sound And Fury...

Some thoughts upon the "ending" of Skrullapalooza:

• Fair is fair, so I should acknowledge that, whatever else its flaws, Skrullapalooza was largely on time. There's certainly some utility, some virtue in actually bringing out a "spine" event for your entire universe in a timely manner. For comparison, we got 8 issues of Secret Invasion in the same time that we've seen 4 issues of Final Crisis. That's not to compare the artistic quality of the two--but in terms of keeping reader interest and maintaining momentum to establish a "shiny new continuity" (not to mention not keeping gosh knows how many other pending projects on hold), Skrullapalooza whooped Final Crisis.
• Perhaps as a consequence of prior delays, have you noticed that these spine events are trickling over less and less into the mainstream continuity? Ever since Civil War and Countdown, Marvel and DC have been less and less willing to have their ongoing series hijacked by inevitably late events. World War Hulk was pretty much ignored in every other Marvel mag--not a mention of NYC being devastated, Avengers Tower and the Baxter Building being flattened, etc--while instead we were given assorted mini-series so we could pretend this really was a universe-wide event. Skrullapalooza did cross over a little more...but the Fantastic Four, Thor, X-Men, Spider-Man, etc, couldn't be bothered to interrupt their own story lines to tie into the "new age" (Quesada's words) of the Marvel Universe--instead we got mini-series by different creative teams. If the patterns of WWH are followed (and if the solicits that have been released so far are an indication) we will never get even a mention in those mags of the universe changing events we've witnessed. Is this a preferable approach? Is it a sign that Marvel editorial has broken down into exclusive fiefdoms, where "I ain't tying into your crossover" is the rule rather than the exception? Discuss.
• One final bit of praise: however oddly and illogically it's been set up, it does sound as if there could be an awful lot of interesting story lines coming out of Dark Reign. Of course, I reserve judgment until some of those things actually happen, but there is some potential here.

There, that wasn't so hard, was it?

Ah, but there's' the flip side, isn't there? Why, on the whole, was Skrullapalooza such a disappointment?

• How, precisely, do the heroes win? In theory, the Skrulls have millions of soldiers at their disposal, now with Magic Super-Skrull Combo Powers. Not to mention an obvious advantage in space-age weaponry. I mean, when all of the heroes gather in one spot for the final confrontation, why not just freaking overwhelm them, outnumbering them 1,000-1, and with more powers? Or better, why not just launch a nuke or 12 from orbit?!? While the heroes are making their "last stand," why not just ignore them, leave NYC alone and take over the rest of the damn world? Bendis never seemed to grasp that we were facing a full-out planetary invasion by an entire star-spanning empire, as the heroes seem to win with less effort than they expended against the Red Hood's gang. The outcome is illogical, and rushed--a total anti-climax.
  
• Speaking of rushed outcomes, what happens to all the Skrulls? I know we'll surely get some details in the future, but wouldn't an invasion on this scale by shapeshifters cause a massive upswing in global paranoia, an inability to have the trust to create a new world order with a new S.H.I.E.L.D. and whatever else Norman Osborn is setting up? And we know there are more Skrulls out there--at the very least, Skrull Jarvis escaped with the baby. Shouldn't we have a planet where nobody trusts anybody anymore, were the merest interaction requires biological proof that you're not Skrull, where any and every problem is blamed on those damned shapeshifters? Apparently not--everyone is "phew, that was close" and is going back to trusting one man with unchecked power...this time just Osborn instead of Stark.
• Speaking of Stark--"World's Most Wanted?" "Will Stark be indicted?!?" For what, precisely? I shouldn't have to point this out, but according to Bendis' own timeline, S.H.I.E.L.D. was infiltrated before the Civil War (before Stark took over), The Avengers were infiltrated before the Civil War. It's not as if he forced the world to buy Stark technology. Sure, he's a colossal doofus and a f#$%-up, but it seems obvious that the invasion would have happened even had we not had a Super Human Registration Act, even if Stark had never become director of S.H.I.E.L.D., even if everyone were one big happy Marvel family. Despite his crimes during the Civil War, Stark is mostly blameless here...and the populace of the Marvel Universe looks fickle and stupid (they now no longer care about Stamford??).
• Speaking of blame--Nick Fury trusted Spider-Woman, who was the freaking Skrull Queen, and dismissed Ms. Marvel as a Skrull. So much for all that time he spent in hiding sussing things out with bulletin boards and red circles. Where the heck is the public outrage at Fury for abandoning his post in time of invasion and running a triple agent who was actually behind said invasion?!?
• Who was a Skrull? As most people predicted, nobody important. Just as with DC's Millennium maxi-series 20 years ago, where we were promised earth-shattering revelations about what long-time characters we actually Manhunters and got bupkis, Skrullapalooza had no courage to do anything truly shocking. Jarvis? Please. She-Thing?? Stop the presses!! And making the cop-out even worse than it was, apparently everyone who had been replaced turned up alive and well. Cowardly, Marvel, cowardly.
• Speaking of cop-out city, not only do the good guys win ridiculously easily, with no casualties (even if you believe the Wasp is dead--she's not--than somehow miraculously returning Mockingbird from the grace counterbalances that), but we can't even remain true to the premises established. Stark tech is all compromised--oh, except for Maria Hill's LMD and ray gun and jetpack, conveniently. And except for Stark just happening to have "another suit of armor, not tied to the Starktech mainframe"--yet it still seems to have all of the capabilities of his old armor. And except for Nick Fury's big ass guns and magic teleporter. And the Scarlet Spider suits. And...well, you get the idea: total Plot-Convenience Theater. Pretend that you've completely disabled things, but actually not when you find you've plotted yourself into a corner.

Overall, though, the biggest flaw of Secret Invasion was the pathetic loss of so much potential. Bendis and Yu seemed content to shower us with splash pages and epic crowd scenes, rather than actually telling the story. The entire planet was under attack by an alien species bent on conquest, and we beat it with a Sharks vs. Jets rumble in the park? DC's Invasion! and Our Worlds At War we far better, more convincing depictions of that premise. They're Skrulls--anybody could be one of them!! No, we got Kirby the Pup. We're going to show what happens when we deprive our heroes of their most important technology...no, we're not, really. Look, all the Skrulls are Super-Skrulls now, they can do crazy things with their powers!! Not so much--aside from growing big, did we actually see a Skrull using anything more than a generic power beam within the series? Nope...just lots of static crowd shots of crazy quilt Skrulls not actually doing much.

The actual series itself was padded beyond belief, giving us, at most, 3 issues of content over 8 issues. Yet despite that, almost all of the big revelations took place elsewhere, in New Avengers, Mighty Avengers, and Avengers: Initiative. It's almost funny--Bendis was apparently dead set on showing off how clever he'd been by showing us every clue he'd planted over the last 4+ years, every single moment of a couple of people being taken over and clandestine meetings and filling in background, all over the last who-knows-how-many issues of the Avengers mags. But if he had spent 1/10th of that effort on the actual invasion itself, and actually had something happen during it, it probably could have been a decent story. But instead we got huge build-up; deeeeeeeeeeeppppp background presented elsewhere; little of interest during the invasion aside from stilted, poorly drawn crowd fight scenes; and a rushed transition to the new status quo. For $3.99 per issue.

That was an awful lot of time and effort just to get to "Norman Osborn runs the planet now."

What *Really* Happened in Secret Invasion #8--Quasi-Spoilerish

I'll try to be discreet, but this is quasi-spoilerish...so wait and read Skrullapalooza #8 (a.k.a. Really? That Was It?), before reading this.

Apparently, a hero dies early on in the issue. But I beg to differ.

Carefully read what happens in those pages (as much as you can decipher from the frankly indecipherable storytelling by Lenil Yu), and compare it to these panels from waaaay back in Avengers #16 (1965):





Seems really similar, doesn't it? In Skrullapalooza, you don't actually see this character die; they just kinda vanish in a similar way to what Thor did to the Masters of Evil 43 years ago. And given Bendis' propensity to wuss out on any deaths on his big events (e.g., only Ant-Man and Jack of Hearts actually stayed dead after Avengers Disassembled, and I imagine they'll be back any day now), you can bet he did it this way to bring this person back in the not too distant future.

Much more on the inevitable creative flop of Skrullapalooza to come soon...

The Surprise Ending to Secret Invasion--Revealed

OK, I'm serious this time. Unlike my goof on the "true" secret ending of Batman R.I.P., I think that I've really tumbled onto the actual ending of Marvel's interminable Skrullapalooza.

Yesterday at the Diamond/Alliance Retailer Summit in Las Vegas (why does everyone have a better life than I do??), Bendis unveiled the next Marvel line-wide blockbuster, "Dark Reign." His description:

"The Initiative was kind of like the Cold War," the SECRET INVASION scribe explains, comparing this new push to Initiative branding that followed 2006's Civil War. "There's a war, and then there's a cold war. This was an invasion, and from the invasion, certain people take the hit, certain people rise up as the heroes who you wouldn't expect, and from that comes a new power status in the Marvel Universe that some would consider a dark reign and some would consider heaven. One man's dark reign is another man's 'Finally!'"

So, aside from new books (like Dark Avengers....sigh), what could this mean??

Well, I think maybe Marvel may have let the cat slip out of the bag. Maybe. Check out the November solicit for New Warriors #18:

The future isn’t so bright. Not when Iron Man has taken the Superhuman Registration Act to new heights and imposed his rule over a good chunk of the free world. Super heroes have been outlawed and any hope of resistance has been crushed. And while the New Warriors try to escape this world gone wrong, Night Thrasher takes it upon himself to be the one who just might set things right...

Now, the phrasing could be interpreted to make it sound like the Warriors are doing a Days of Future Past bit, visiting an alternate future. But with this latest news about Dark Reign, I'm not so sure.

What if that New Warrior's story isn't an alternate future, but really the end result of Skrullapalooza? Iron Man decides more power is the best way to prevent Skrull shenanigans, and takes over, completing his transition to Fascist Man? Outlaw superheros, so Skrulls can't pose as them...use S.H.I.E.L.D. and Extremis to extend his power over "a good chunk of the free world?"

That would certainly result in shake-ups of the Avengers teams, including requiring some to be "Dark Avengers." It would certainly be a "new power status in the Marvel Universe that some would consider a dark reign and some would consider heaven."

Wow. If I'm right...if that's the end result of the not-so-Secret Invasion...color me impressed...maybe.

Deus Ex Vita Forma Inlex

Caleb has done a fine job of ripping Secret Invasion #5, so I don't want to belabor the point too much. There are, however, two things I've got to say:

First, as Caleb notes, we FINALLY finish the confrontation between the Skrull Captain Marvel and the Thunderbolts that started way back in Skrullapalooza #1 (remember...5 issues in, and only 20 minutes have elapsed. Wondrous pacing).

Anyway, my question is this--since the Skrulls' haven't announced themselves to the world yet...and these Skrulls are supposedly completely undetectable (except by Reed Richard's magic ray gun, which he hadn't invented yet)...my question is this:


How does Norman Osborn know that Mar-Vell's a Skrull? What, he assumes that Mar-Vell is a shape-shifting alien with Mar-Vell's powers, instead of the usual mind-control option? Osborn's not telepathic, but even if he were, these guys can't be detected telepathically. Is he just guessing? Or is it just that Bendis can't be bothered to remember his own premise when he want a "dramatic" scene to play out? Some would call that cheating.

Secondly, we've established multiple times that ALL Stark tech and ALL S.H.I.E.L.D. tech are down. All communications are down, the internet is down. S.H.I.E.L.D. itself is lousy with Skrulls. Bendis has established this time and time again. So how do we get Maria Hill out of her tense (and by tense I mean 3 issue-long 2 minute conversation...) situation:

Yup, all Stark and S.H.I.E.L.D. tech is down...except for this one thing, which we suddenly reveal (without prior hint or clue) has somehow magically not been compromised, and we unveil this only at the moment when it can save Maria and kill the Jarvis Skrull. Life Model Decoys to the rescue!!

That's not only cheating, that's piss-poor story-telling. (And yes, I get the irony of beating the Skrulls with undetectable doubles...but since it blatantly contradicts the situation Bendis has laboriously set up, it's nay so much irony as cheating...plus, the Skrulls brilliantly took down everything Stark/S.H.I.E.L.D., but somehow forgot LMDs??).

Bendis: he loves you...just not enough to play fair in his story-telling.

Brace Yourselves...

...but I actually liked this week's Mighty Avengers!!

I know, I know, what is this world coming to?

A couple of notes:

A) Given that issue details the background of Skrullektra, who was killed and revealed in the New Avengers; and how she was behind the prison break on the Raft, which was the impetus for re-forming the New Avengers in NA #1; given that, shouldn't this particular batch of flashbackery have taken place in New Avengers rather than Mighty Avengers?? Or is there any rhyme or reason to the well-nigh infinite run of "fill in the past" stories in those two mags?

B) Hey, look, powered Skrulls actually using, you know, powers:


One of the biggest beefs I've had with Skrullapalooza and its spin-offs is that all we get are massive indecipherable melees, with generic Skrulls in amalgamated costumes (because, you know, Skrulls apparently can mimic powers only if the mimic costumes, too). Part of that is because of the artistic shortcomings of Leinil Yu, who couldn't draw a comprehensible fight scene if you paid him (oh, wait, they are paying him). Lots of dudes with Colossus arms and visors, not a lot of bamfing or actual power use.

So, thanks for throwing us this bone, Bendis and Pham.

C) Not to get all persnickety here, but with all of these flashback issues of NA and MA, don't you get the feeling that Bendis is just shouting at the top of his lungs, "Look how clever I am, look at all of these clues I've been planting for the last 3 1/2 years, and now I'm going to show you every single one of them in intense detail just to prove how clever I am."??

Bendis is sort of the anti-Morrison...Morrison would die before he would stoop to explain any of his references, and Bendis will sidetrack the entire runs of two separate mags to do it.

I'm just saying, enough, Bendis. We get it. You're clever. Can we please have some Avengers stories, with actual Avengers in them, again??

But I did like Mighty Avengers #16. Really.

Weekend News, Notes and Whines

Whew...I'm out of breath from Marvel 1968 Week...so just a couple of (relative) quickies before the All-Star break:

***They had me until they said Jim Lee:
I'm glad to see DC finally pretend to have an actual movie plan, even if at this point it seems a little too much like a "me too" after Marvel's summer success. Still, it's got to be an improvement over the embarrassing "on-again, off-again, let's spread casting/writing/directing stories and then cancel the projects" we've seen over the past couple of years involving DC properties.

Still, Jim Lee?

***Heaven forbid Marvel 1968 prevent me from bitching about Marvel 2008. Namely, Skrullapalooza. Let skip back to Secret Invasion #1, where the S.W.O.R.D. space station is destroyed:

And now, #4:

So, even if we grant that Agent Brand was grossly underestimating the amount of oxygen she had left, these scenes mean that the entire series has taken place over what, 15 minutes?? 4 issues, 15 minutes. Wow, that has got to be some kind of new record for slow paced.

In his review this week, Caleb said, "This is a much busier issue than the last." But it really wasn't. Everything that happened was already covered elsewhere, usually better (Ms. Marvel's battles), full pages were spent for "reveals" that were already revealed elsewhere (we already knew S.H.I.E.L.D. was infiltrated with Skrulls, so why spend one whole page recapping that Jarvis-Skrull wants Maria Hill to surrender??), and lots of scurrying around, signifying absolutely nothing (Nick Fury's Avenger Babies--what exactly they were doing or accomplished, nobody knows or cares). I'll have to admit, Bendis et al have concealed it fairly masterfully. But 4 issues in, and we've had one issue's worth of plot development, if that. 4 issues, 15 minutes...wow.

***Would it be wrong of me to say that I liked Hellboy I better than I did Hellboy II? Because I did. Sorry.

***I know that Geoff Johns is bound and determined to revert Superman's status quo to pre-Crisis. And more power to him, I guess. But this bit from Action Comics #867 bugged me:

What he have here is sort of the "Indy in the refrigerator" problem. E.g., in Indy IV, when your hero survives a freaking actual nuclear explosion in the opening bit, well, you've pretty much told your audience that your hero is invulnerable, so every other bit of "peril" for the rest of the movie seems trite and unconvincing.

Same deal here. I mean look at that--we have a solar flare or whatever that VAPORISED AT LEAST THE ENTIRE QUARTER OF THE PLANET that Superman was standing on. And he survived.

Is Superman really that strong/tough/invulnerable? Should he be?? I mean, come on...the next time the Toyman shows up, what's the point? Or even Doomsday. Now that we know that nothing on Earth except some stray kryptonite can kill him, has Johns made the character boring by making him too goddmaned powerful?? (And don't get me started on Brainiac being as powerful as the Death Star...)

I like the story so far, but I wonder about the long term consequences. And next time Johns shows Kal-El staggered by some crappy ray blast or such, well, we'll know he was just puffing this sequence up to make us go "wow!"

MEANWHILE...

I'm taking a personal All-Star break to recharge my blogging batteries. I'll be back Thursday (unless something really fascinating comes up). Peace out, y'all..and go, National League!!

I Get This All the Time From Former Girlfriends

I have no idea what that even means, Crystal. Then again, I usually don't understand the reasons I'm given for being dumped, either.

From Secret Invasion: Fantastic Four #2. And to everyone who thinks I'm always too negative, I actually love this little mini-series, and I LOVE this issue, especially...well, I won't spoil it. But this is by FAR the best thing to come from Skrullapalooza...See? I can do the love!!

Manic Monday--Yet Another Geography Lesson

From Secret Invasion #1, we see the S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier, after all Stark tech is zapped, going down over Manhattan:

From where the thread picks up again, in Secret Invasion #3:

The Bermuda Triangle?" Really?

A map, for reference:


Hmmmm...sometimes they make it too easy...

Special bonus crankiness:

You know, calling attention to the fact that you're using a cliche with a smart-ass remark mocking the cliche doesn't excuse you actually re-using that cliche...it just means you're a hack trying to use irony and post-modern cynicism to distract your headers while you put out hack work. I'm just sayin'...

Alternate Universe Issues?

Remember that bit from comedian Patton Oswald's blog 3 months ago?

Brian’s already let me read the first three issues of SECRET INVASION, which is Marvel Comics’ big summer dust-up.

After COUNTDOWN and CIVIL WAR, I was going to take a break from these big summer crossover thingies. But this SECRET INVASION...holy shit.

This is not a big, disposable, multi-issue donnybrook. This is a blitzkrieg from page one. Bendis basically worked out a remorseless, nothing-but-business tearing down of the Marvel Universe. And it’s clear the story has been set up...for...years. And the deaths are treated so off-handedly, with no appeal or remorse -- and this is three issues in.

So far, each issue has also ended with a shit-your-pants, ’Wait, what in the FUCK?!" moment...after, of course, about three or four what-the-fuck moments tossed off during the course of each story. As it stands right now, someone’s holding a possible key to stopping the Skrulls, and it’s the LAST person in the Marvel Universe you’d want with that info. And no, it’s not Dr. Doom.

Well, after reading the first three issues myself, I'm a wonderin'...when do we get to read the same 3 issues Oswalt got to? Because I sure haven't seen the same stuff he's talkin' about...

"What Is Your Favorite Color?"

Really, was that so hard?

From last week's Secret Invasion: Fantastic Four #1. Let's set the scene. A Skrull, posing as Susan Richards, has forced open the Negative Zone portal, sending part of the Baxter Building there. She's trying to convince Johnny Storm that it's really Ben Grimm who's the Skrull. Let's watch, shall we?

So, after 95 months of "Are you a Skrull? No, but you're Skrully! Oh, there's no way we can detect these Skrulls!!", we finally get someone who's smart enough to actually try to figure out--by logic and questioning-- whether someone actually IS a Skrull. And it's not Reed Richards or Tony Stark or Nick Fury. Nope, it's Johnny Freakin' Storm.

I mean, look at it...these Skrulls are supposed to be the ultimate infiltrators, perfect duplicates who are completely undetectable. And yet they can't handle a simple frakkin' question. "What's your favorite movie?!?!?!?!" Seriously, how can these clowns infiltrate anything?? They apparently couldn't even win the Newlywed Game, let alone pose as people's loved ones.

This example is ESPECIALLY egregious, because it turns out that the Skrull posing as Sue is Lyja. Lyja, who was MARRIED to Johnny Storm, and a de facto member of the Fantastic Four for awhile. Lyja, who in theory would be the Skrull who knew the FF better than any other Skrull, and thus the one best able to pull off the infiltration. Lyja, who couldn't remember even the most basic information from Sue's Facebook page, and so was revealed.

So that's the big threat from Skrullapalooza: morons who didn't even do their basic homework on their subjects, who can be revealed with the simplest of questions? You think Bendis and Marvel have maybe been overselling this a little bit? A mean, based on what we've seen here, this guy could stop the whole invasion by himself:



Now if only everyone else in the Marvel Universe were as smart as the Human Torch, this thing would be wrapped up next issue, and we could go back to focusing our hate on DC...

Nick Fury's Avenger Babies

Hmmmm....too quiet around here...no more Countdown, Final Crisis hasn't started...whatever shall I rant about?

Ahhh, thank you, Bendis.

Let's start with Mighty Avengers #13. For the 3rd consecutive week, Bendis has given us a regular Avengers title in which THE AVENGERS DO NOT APPEAR!!

The pattern is that Mighty Avengers will cover Nick Fury's secret doings doing his time gone walkabout, while New Avengers will look at the Skrull side of things.

I asked this question last week, but let's try again: why is this stuff in the Avengers, and not the Skrullapalooza maxi?? Maybe it's just me, but if you're going to have stories that reveal the backgrounds and characterizations of your main players of your major event, shouldn't that actually APPEAR in that big event? Or if somehow you can't shoe-horn that into your packed series (yeah, right...see below), or maybe as a separate mini-series? Why banish the Avengers from their own books??

Frankly, they should just change the title of Mighty Avengers to Nick Fury's Avengers Babies. Then it would make sense.

I should point out, in Bendis' defense, that in one page here he actually gives Ares' more dialogue and character than in all 12 previous issues of MA combined!! Wow.

By the way, does Fury's plan make a lick of sense? Look, he suspects everyone, so he's collecting "unknown" offspring of super-powered beings. The theory being, that if the Skrulls didn't know they were super-powered, they wouldn't have replaced them.

Huh? A) The theory didn't work so well with Jarvis, did it? B) Wouldn't the Skrulls want to get close to some of the heroes? So even if it wasn't known that Ares' son Alex was Phobos, isn't it possible that a Skrull still replaced him just to get to Ares?? C) Fury's assumption that nobody else knows about his "caterpillars" is dangerously arrogant, ain't it? If Fury can figure out that these kids have powers, why the hell couldn't the Skrulls??

On to Skrullapalooza #2. Sigh.

Here's one of the reasons I'm complaining about all this background taking place in the Avengers. Because NOTHING happens in this issue. Nothing at all.

Look at the plot lines set up in Skrullapalooza #1: fake Pym discombobulating Reed Richards. Not followed up in #2. Agent Brand and the rest of the SWORD agents are about to die in space. Not mentioned in #2. The SHIELD Helicarrier is about to crash into Manhattan. Not mentioned in #2. ALL the Stark tech on Earth is down. Not mentioned in #2, except for Iron Man's armor. There were prison breaks at the Raft and the Cube. Not mentioned in #2. Captain Marvel attacks the Thunderbolts. Not mentioned in #2. Johnny and Franklin and Valeria are being sucked into an exploding Negative Zone. No follow-up.

Yup, from the vast and sprawling epic set up in #1, the ONLY plot line covered is the Avengers fighting the "returned heroes" in the Savage Land. Issue #1 was just a tease, #2 the cold shower.

This might not be so bad, except....

A) It turns into 18 pages (with 3 double page splashes!) of "I'm not a Skrull! Are you a Skrull??"
Talk about padding...
B) Since Leinil Yu cannot draw a competent fight scene, 85% of the time you have no idea of who is doing what to whom.
C) For the second issue in a row, a marauding dinosaur interrupts events. I know we're in the Savage Land, but c'mon, Bendis...we're 2 issues in and you've already run out of original ideas on how to stage things?
D) Once again, Bendis wants us to believe his characters are morons (or, conversely, he can't even follow the premise he's set up). In this issue, we reinforce that when a Skrull dies, they revert to Skrull. Hawkeye and Wolverine and Cage have now seen this several times. Now, given that Hawkeye SAW Mockingbird die, saw the body not turn into a green alien, he knows that she wasn't a Skrull back then. So how can he possibly believe that this one could be real? Not to mention, they know Skrulls can now do powers, including telepathy, so the fact that "Bobbi" knew one of Clint's secrets ain't much proof. And even if you grant that Bendis killed off Hawkeye AND resurrected him just to have him be a complete idiot at a crucial moment, Logan and Luke (the new Heroes for Hire?) should know better. It's very frustrating when the author treats both his characters and audience as morons...

Let's see if Bendis can keep the streak going, and have a dinosaur disrupt another "are you a Skrull" argument in issue #3.

And I still say that, given a Skrull Warship has landed in midtown Manhattan, it's not a "Secret" Invasion anymore...