The Root Of All Evil

Sometimes, when reading old DC comics, you stumble upon a truth so frightening, that you fear the Men In Black will come knocking on your door to drag you away just for discovering.

Well, as far as I can tell, there's a chance that even I could be the "New Man Without Fear," so consequences be damned. The savage truth of the DC Universe?

Roller Derby is the root of all evil.

Hmmm, wait...that green tunic with the white symbol...the dark sleeves ending at the forearms...could it be??

Nah...

Anyway, we previously discussed how roller derby was dirty in Metropolis. Well, it's even worse in Central City.

Barry Allen goes out to meet with Iris, but much to his chagrin, he discovers the first Iron Law Of Evil Roller Derby Stories:

Female reporters always try to infiltrate a roller derby team!

Sadly, poor, delicate Iris is no match for...Kolossal Kate Krusher!! (No, I'm pretty sure the KKK initials were not a coded message from Cary Bates)

But as Iris drifts off into unconsciousness, she thinks she sees:

Barry, being a metahuman whose fought aliens dozens of times, of course immediately rejects Iris' "hallucinations." He dismisses them out of hand. Gee, no wonder so many people wanted him to return from the dead...

Ah, but when a mysterious, "impossible" earthquake strikes Central City, centered on the stadium...well, then the Flash will investigate.

And what does he discover? The Second Iron Law Of Evil Roller Derby Stories:

The roller skates are always cleverly disguised devices of evil!! And they're integral to the aliens' master plan:


Yes, Roller Derby is actually destroying the Earth!!!

But, fortunately for our beleaguered homeworld, Flash trips up the aliens with the Third Iron Law Of Evil Roller Derby Stories:


The bad guys skates can be used against them!!

Yes, skating the opposite direction will somehow undo the alien whatcha-hoosit. Well played, aliens...great plan.

But still, it is rather cool to see the Flash moving so fast he can make ten pairs of skates keep moving clockwise.

Clockwise...so traveling counter-clockwise in a circle or oval constantly will destroy the Earth? Oh my god, aliens run NASCAR!!! Hurry, Barry!!!

Barry Allen rips the lid off of alien-run Drew Barrymore movies in Flash #211 (1971).

Friday Night Fights--Killamazoo Style!!

Well...it was inevitable. Having the theme of Ladies' Night for Friday Night Fights has lead me to present the one thing I swore I would never write about:

Lois Lane doing roller derby.

Oh, Gerry Conway, what hath thou wrought?

OK, so Perry White, once again deciding that reporting on actual news events in the biggest city in the world is somehow beneath the Daily Planet, sends Lois Lane undercover to investigate roller derby.

Man, it hurts just to type that.

You see, the Metropolis Rockets advertise themselves as "The Fastest Roller Team in the World!" But Perry asked some experts, and they say that the Rockets actually skate faster than is "humanly possible"!!!! So he sends his best investigative reporter undercover to figure out how.

Meanwhile, after Lois makes the team, obviously tragedy has to happen. Out of nowhere, one of her teammates suddenly starts skating out of control--lethally so:

Lois' investigation uncovers the shocking fact that the Rockets...(wait for it) use motorized skates!!

Yes, somehow, with no noise or exhaust, these super-jet skates propel the Rockets faster than normal roller derby competitors!!! However, the other Rockets don't want this fact revealed, 'cause then everyone would know they're cheaters, you see. Of course, violence ensues.

Uh-oh...Lois is outnumbered now. However will she escape?

Oh, that's right, back then she was still leaning of the Kryptonian self-defense art of Klurkor. Her and Shang-Chi.

Fortunately, fictional martial arts work pretty well:

And as always seems to happens in these stories, the real killer makes some innocent statement that Lois decides proves she's guilty. This killer, though, don't know from no Klurkor:

What results is the killer trying to get away on a motorcycle. Well, that may work against normal reporters, but not against award-winning reporters who happen to have a pair of rocket-powered skates!! The result: PAIN!!


Oh, Lois, is there no fake sporting event you can't turn into a front page story??

Oh, and I suppose I'd best reveal my secret shame: my home town has its own roller derby team, the Killamazoo Derby Darlings.

Sigh...Bahlactus, can you ever forgive me?

Lois' high-kickin', rocket skatin' crime solvin' adventure comes from Superman Family #198, 1979.