The Wrong Kind Of Legacy!

Gee, it's been almost two years since I've slagged the Punisher.

Well, let's take care of that, shall we?

Marvel continues to put out "primers" on the lead characters to launch Legacy. And gee, this week they released one on good old Frank Castle (it's free on Comixology!!)

And how does Marvel choose to represent their...um...hero?

Ah, there's your Legacy...the Punisher shooting at two different heroes, and blowing the head off a kneeling man. Look, kids--comics!

(And yes, I know, those were "mercy bullets" he used on Daredevil. But those were real bullets Frank was shooting at Spider-Man, as he believed the Jackal that Spidey was a murderer. And the Punisher tried to murder an innocent man.)

Oh, and you can never forget the comical self-justification:

"Never letting any criminal off easy" means executing them in cold blood, without trial or due process. Or blowing their heads off while they're kneeling.

"The innocent will be protected." Unless you're Spider-Man. Or someone else Frank made a mistake about.

Of course, he (and Marvel) never seem to consider that the crooks the Punisher executes might have families themselves. So "preventing families from enduring what he went through" is a straight-up lie. There are thousands of widows and orphans out there who probably don't feel like they've been "protected" by Frank's bloodlust.

Bonus reminder: Punisher sided with Hydra during Secret Empire.

So, you know, I don't care if they're dressing Frank up in Rhodey's old armor. The Punisher sucks, no matter the wardrobe.

Manic Monday--Reminder, The Punisher Sucks!

You know, I haven't dissed on the Punisher in quite a while. I must be slipping!

So here is a long overdue reminder, especially to those who think that the Punisher is super-cool and his "one-man war on crime" is the bee's knees and all that:

In his very first appearance, the Punisher was an idiot who was duped into working for a super-villain and came very near to killing an innocent man, namely Spider-Man.

That's why real heroes don't kill, don't play judge-jury-and-executioner--sometimes you get the wrong guy. And if you kill the wrong guy, well, you really can't walk that back.

And that 's why those Death Wish lovin' diehard Punisher fans who insist that Frank Castle would never, even accidentally or by some collateral damage, kill an innocent man...well, he almost did in his very first appearance. So get over it.

That's why the best use for the Punisher...

...is to show Spider-Man beating the crap out of him.

Mission accomplished.

From Amazing Spider-Man #129 (1974)

The Best Thanksgiving Ever?!?

Look, I pretty much hate the character.

But I've got to say...

...Pilgrim Punisher might just be the best thing ever!

Seriously--wouldn't Pilgrim Punisher improve The Scarlet Letter? The Crucible?

From Age of Ultron Vs. Marvel Zombies #2 (2015)

Manic Monday Triple Overtime: Avengers 3?!?

Look, you can have a boring old "we're going to fight Thanos over the Infinity Gems" story for the next Avengers movie.

Or you can have this:

The choice is obvious.

See, in this alternate dimension, Captain America was quick enough to rescue Dr. Erskine from being assassinated. So, their was Super-Soldier Serum a-plenty, and the U.S. won WWII in about a month.

The result?

Yay!

Yay?

Definitely not yay!

See, it turns out that Cap still ended up getting frozen. But the Red Skull had Arnim Zola put his mind into a cloned body of Steve Rogers, and that's the guy we stupid Americans kept electing president. Well, he did keep giving us serum to make us "perfect," so...

Anyway, hobo Namor still finds the frozen Cap...

But S.H.I.E.L.D. agent Frank Castle has been given a special suit by Tony Stark to help track down Namor, and...

Man!

Well, after Cap thaws out, of course he gets these guys to stop fighting, and follow him!

They go recruiting. And they find Logan:

See, there was no Canadian Weapon X project, because the U.S. conquered Canada (sorry, Siskoid!) And...

But it's OK, because he's a good wendigo, you see.

They find Sam Wilson, and since Hank Pym has been murdered...

And Thor joins up because Thor, and...

Well, they kill the Skull, shut off the super-soldier serum supply, and free America. But...

They all die in the process. The end.

Sure, it's a downer ending. But seriously, aren't you sick of Infinity crap?

From What If? #29 (1991)

Yet Another Memo To The Punisher...

Folks, lets us meet the greatest Western hero of all:

Yes, Ham Gravy!!

And by the way, if you want to know the real reason that DC won't bring back Ralph Dibny...

...it's to avoid the massive lawsuit for stealing Ham's shtick.

Anyway, Ham's crime-sensing nose leads him to a nearly empty town ,with a note taped to the sheriff's door:

Well, Ham qualifies, and takes the job to put down the awful Boom Brothers.Which he does thusly:

BAM!!

SHAZAM!!

You said it, Ham!!

So listen up, Frank Castle, David Goyer-written Kal-El, and all you other "anti-heroes" with your "I must kill the bad guys" coolness: If a man knows how to use a gun, there's no need to shoot anyone.

Thus endeth the lesson.

From Popeye #15 (1951), as reprinted in Classic Popeye #15 (2013)

What *Really* Good Marvel Stories Should Have?!?

From the "Mark's Remarks" column in Namor Annual #4 (1994):

All well and good, Mr. Gruenwald. And there are certain comic book companies out there that could stand to remember some of these rules, especially #8.

Oh, but he didn't stop there...

Well, no fair. You can't end it there, without telling us!!

Still, since this was 1994, it can't be too tough to look at what Marvel was publishing then, and deduce what the other top ten list should be, right?

And, dear reader, I have done that for you. So, presenting, based on the evidence of their own publications, What Really Good Marvel Stories Should Have (circa 1994):

1. Desperate Attempts To Spin Villains Into "Anti-Heroes" 

And hey, two for the price of one...

2. Clones!

3. Terrible, terrible costumes

4. Ridiculous, overpriced, and well-nigh unreadable gimmick covers

5. Never-ending attempts to "homage" Marvel's own past and claim past glory for current stories

6. Amazingly crappy logos, often rendered in fonts that made then even worse:

7. Punisher. Lots and Lots of Punisher

Those were all from one month...and there was one more we'll get to in a minute...

8. Attempts to reclaim the heat of departed prodigal sons; a.k.a. Image rip-offs

9. Inappropriate team-ups

10. Continual redonkulous crossovers

Well, there you have it. Although I thought those were supposed to be things "really good" Marvel Comics were supposed to have...we must be grading on a 1990s curve...

All covers from 1994