How To Defeat Pirates In 5 Easy Steps!

Herbie and his father have been captured by pirates. Dad's being made to walk the plank!! 

No problem, Herbie's on the job!

Easy peasy.

We can only hope this is the plot of the next Pirates Of The Caribbean movie...

From Herbie #7 (1965)

The Inefficient Buccaneer!!

Remember when Alan Moore teased us in Watchmen with the possibility that the comic book market could be dominated by pirate comics?

Because it was oh, so close to happening:

Man, there is nothing at all in the subtext of that cover, am I right?

"The most Daring thing about that captain is his ensemble!'

Sorry, couldn't resist.

Anyhoo, when Quality comics put Kid Eternity out to pasture, Buccaneers took over the numbering, and it was all pirates, all the time:

Of course, since the era was not ready for a full-hearted embrace of the Geoff Johnsian "villians are more interesting than heroes," the stories usually featured "good" pirates. Noblemen forced to become pirates until they could clear their name; pirates really working for king and country; pirates who seemed to spend most of their time fighting "bad' pirates.

Well, sure, but romanticism and Captain Jack Sparrow aside, most pirates were right bastards. How to deal with that?

Text pieces!

That sounds like the title to a 1970's Disney movie with Kurt Russell...

Wait--there are rules that are unwritten AND secret? How the hell am i supposed to follow those?

Yup, we can't have cruel and bloodthirsty pirates. That won't do at all!

Again...a disgrace to the noble profession of...pirate?!?

Here's the full text piece:

William Fly was indeed a real--and cruel and bloodthirsty--pirate. It is also likely the true story here was a bit more complex--the text piece manages to never mention the fact that the Elizabeth Snow was a slave ship headed to pick up a new cargo, for example. And the bit where he had to teach the hangman how to tie a proper noose is pretty impressive.

I'm no historian, but I'd wager most actual pirates were closer to William Fly than to the wonderfully noble and roguish-but-safe pirates of Hollywood and comics. That's probably why they didn't, and wouldn't have, caught on, despite Moore's speculation--there's not that much demand for making blackguards and bloodthirsty killers into your leading heroes.

Until 21st century DC Comics came along...

From Buccaneers #27 (1951). The completely straight cover to issue #20 is from 1950

Golden Age Idol--Dame Kackle?!?

I have to confess, I've been a bit remiss.

Through the many, many Golden Age Idol entries, I've focused entirely on the heroes.

But there are some Golden Age villains who need to be brought back, too.

For example:

No, not The Defender. He was just your typical low-rent "guy who puts on a costume and slugs Nazis and crooks". Nothing at all remarkable about him, and he only lasted 5 issues (I will say, though, that that is a pretty bitchin' logo. And it's hard to believe that Marvel controls a character named The Defender and never brought him back to, say, lead the Defenders.)

No, we're here to look at the Defender's very first foe, from USA Comics #1 (1941). Who might that be?

OK, I know what you're thinking...WTF?

Fair enough. Dame Kackle may seem just like a gnarly old female pirate with a poorly-drawn cat o' nine-tails.

But the story quite clearly tells us that she is "the deadliest agent of the dreaded Nazi Gestapo!" And she's using her great pirate abilities to smuggle Japanese spies into the U.S.!!

And she's pretty menacing to intrepid girl reporter Sally Kean!

Ah, but the Defender and Rusty (his boy sidekick) manage to defeat her. Yet...

Hmmm...escaped, or drowned? C'mon...she's a pirate! Of course she can swim!! Of course she survived. And she's probably one of those Pirates Of The Caribbean-type immortal pirates, so of course she's still around, right?!?

So what's not to love? An immortal female Nazi pirate with a mean whip who cackles every time she speaks? That's gold, man. Especially if Disney decides to give us a Captain Jack Sparrow series, but set in modern day, and he's got to go around collecting immortal pirate treasures to save the world, but Dame Kackle wants them for herself, and...

Look, a boy can dream, can't he?

Manic Monday Bonus--On Stranger Tides, Indeed!

A very simple recipe for how to improve the next Pirates Of The Caribbean movie:

Space Octopi!!

Man, the only way to make this better would be to then reveal that this is Ben Grimm disguised as Blackbeard...

From Outer Space #20 (1958)

Someone Should Warn Johnny Depp

It's terribly unlikely, but this just might be a spoiler for the upcoming Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides:

Embittered jerk Bob Perry is working in a museum, when...







So, since you know something's going to happen to prevent Captain Jack Sparrow and crew from keeping and exploiting the Fountain Of Youth once they find it, I figure there's, oh, I don't know, a 5% chance this is the twist they use. Bonus: the Fountain Of Age would explain Keith Richards...

From Alarming Tales #5 (1958).