Friday Night Fights--Flamebird Style!!

The trouble--trouble in Kandor City--Trouble with a capital T, and that rhymes with P, and that stands for Plague!!

Tonight's Friday Night Fights takes us to Kandor, where Superman/Nightwing and Jimmy Olsen/Flamebird have been summoned to help as the bottle city is in the throes of a deadly plague:

Well, that could be a problem...because...

Oh, yeah...it's Olsen Vs. Superman!!

GYMKATA!!!

SPOILER ALERT: Jimmy saves Kandor by blowing it up!! No, really!!

Spacebooger is still shocked from seeing Kal-El get his clock cleaned by Mr. Action...

The unthinkable happens in Superman Family #173 (1975), courtesy of Cary Bates and Kurt Schaffenberger

Now is the time for you to go and vote for my fight. Why?!? Because, that's why!! Now go and vote!!

Lecture Regarding Out-Of-Context Innuendo

"Mount me, Master Olsen?"

"MOUNT ME, MASTER OLSEN!?!?!"

Oy.

Anyway, are there any questions from the audience?

Q: So Jimmy had super-powers in this story?
A: Yes and no. He did, but for only a few seconds.

Q: What's the deal with the giant, super-intelligent red ants?
A: Oh, they were just a dream.
(Boos from the audience)
A: Wait, wait...you see, it was a dream caused by red kryptonite!!
(murmers of interest from the audience)

Q: Where did the red kryptonite come from?
A: Mr. Mxyzptlkk brought it.

Q: But how was Jimmy Olsen affected by red kryptonite? He's human!
A: Well, you see, while Mxy was flying around Metropolis, a "sudden gust of wind" blew off his hat, and he didn't realize it was gone.

Q: What's that got to do with red kryptonite affecting Jimmy?
A: Well, Olsen found the hat, and saw the Mxy had written his name inside it (Really!). And when his wishes started coming true while wearing it, Jimmy realized "it must be a magical hat that possess the magical powers of its mischief-making owner!"

Q: So what did Jimmy wish for?
A: Well, after money and sex (seriously), he wished that he had Superman's powers "for a few hours." And he also wished for immunity from "green kryptonite." Not all kryptonite, you see. The tragedy of incomplete wishes. Or, in this case, too-specific wishes.

Q: Where does the red kryptonite come in?
A: Well, it turns out that Mxy had the red K stashed inside his hat to surprise Superman with. So when Olsen wished he had Superman's powers, the red kryptonite in the hat immediately affected him, putting Jimmy to sleep, and giving him a crazy dream about being king of the ants.

Q: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! You're making that up!
A: Nope. Here's proof positive.

Q: But Mxy can already do literally anything he wants to Superman with his magic powers! Why would he need red kryptonite ?
A: You'd have to ask Mxyzptlk that question, sir.

Q: But wait!! In that panel, Superman's holding the hat with red kryptonite dust pouring out!!
A: No, sir, that is a Superman robot, not an actual Kryptonian!

Q: So that "mount me" business was all a hallucination?
A: Yup.

Q: So it was Jimmy's own imagination producing giant red ants and "mount me" and betraying Superman?
A: Yup!! As I covered in a previous lecture series, Jimmy Olsen has a deep-seated, seething hatred for Superman that he usually keeps hidden, but comes out every few issues. Not to mention sexual domination fetishes involving large insects.

Q:This has gone on rather longer than you thought it was going to, hasn't it?
A: Yes, ma'am.

Q: Anything else to add?
A: The giant ants' leader was named MGORO. The ant Olsen mounted was LLANIX. The Superman-robot destroyed the magic wishing hat, instead of wishing for something incredibly useful like world peace or for Mxy to talk backwards or an end to the writers' strike. No one even attempts to offer an explanation as to why Olsen would be such a dingleberry as to wish for super powers for only "a few hours." Mxy never comes looking for his hat, never finds Superman, nothing is ever followed up on. All in all, a typical Olsen Story.

Q: Thank you, professor.
A: That wasn't a question.
Jimmy ascends to the ant throne (in his fetid little imagination) in Jimmy Olsen #54, 1961.

Olsen Vs. Superman Week--It Was Only a Dream!

There's only one way I can end Olsen Vs. Superman week. I mean, there's lots and lots (and lots) more I could share with you...but the only true, perfect way to end the week is:



My friends, that might be my absolute favorite cover ever. EVER. It just so perfectly encapsulates so many things I love about late Silver Age DC: the attempts to be hip (while disapproving of of such hipsters), Jimmy's resentment of authority figures, the amazing title...this cover sends me into paroxysms of glee. Chris Sims has Rom, I have Hippie Olsen's Hate-In!! Even the blurb in the first panel of the story is perfect--perfect!!--as middle-aged white collar writers try to capture the "lingo" of that baffling youth culture:


Anyhoo, our sordid tale gets started when Perry White assigns Jimmy a hot story:


Jimmy's method-dressing gets him with Guru Kama, but wait--the guru is really a hood hiding out from the police!! What are the odds??

Realizing he's stumbled into a goldmine by having Superman's "best friend" in his commune, he convinces Jimmy (and the other hippies) of the power of dreams. And because Jimmy Olsen is the dumbest lad on God's green Earth, he can't tell the difference between when he's dreaming and when he's not:



So what is the first thing Olsen does in his "dream?": That's right, aggravated assault on his employer!



Well, things continue in this vein for several pages, as Jimmy uses his "dreams" to avenge himself on Perry, Lucy Lane, Superman...Now, most of us, if we had dreams about hurting those closest to us, we might become a tad bit concerned. But not Jimmy, as the "guru" eggs him on.


Sure, why not kill my best friend in my dreams? So Jimmy gets a box full of kryptonite marbles that he has in his souvenir room (?!) and makes up a bunch of kryptonite love beads for his hippie cohort. The inevitable result?


Fortunately, Jimmy comes out of his solipsistic haze long enough to spot a clue that maybe, just maybe, he's not dreaming (Gee, you think??). Which leads us to this panel, which I teased last week:


And of course, we have to have Kal-El deliver the stern moral:


Superman solves the culture wars. Beautiful.

And so ends Olsen Vs. Superman Week. This week we've learned that best pals constantly turn on each other; that it's OK to fool your buddies into thinking that you're dying; that it's OK to abuse or kill your friends, as long as it's only a dream; and that DC was certain that sold comic books, because even when that stuff didn't actually happen in the story, they'd put it on the cover. But most importantly we learned this:


Jimmy Olsen is a big big baby.

Jimmy Olsen's Hippie Hate-In took place in Jimmy Olsen #118. It's my scene, and it freaks me out, baby! Speaking of which, Jimmy as a baby is from Jimmy Olsen #78

Friday Night Fights--Olsen Style!!

It's Olsen vs. Superman week here at Slay, Monstrobot, so we've got to keep the theme running, don't we? Of course we do!! So here's Jimmy Olsen kicking the living crap out of Superman!


Boff! Whamo! Splatt (with two "T's"!) Krak! Thud! Oh, yeah!!!

OK, I'm obliged to note that a) It wasn't really Superman, it was a thug dressed up like Superman; and b) Jimmy was under the influence of Maximo's "psycho-gas."

But don't let that make you think that Jimmy can't hold his own!! Because when Jimmy finally gets his chance to take down Maximo, leader of Assassins Anonymous, he pulls the same ass-whooping:


Lesson: Don't mess with a red-head.

Hong Kong Bahlactus, number 1 Superguy has commanded, we all obey.

Jimmy's sound-effects laden fighting skills courtesy of Jimmy Olsen # 103. Don't make Olsen angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry.

Olsen Vs. Superman Week--Murder Most Foul!!

We should point out that, while Jimmy Olsen is Superman's Pal, he is not Clark Kent's Pal. As is demonstrated by:

Well, this scene really does happen!! Jimmy kills Clark (or so he thinks), and tries to conceal the crime. And he's ready to use the "gamma weapon" on Supes.

Of course, this is DC, so there's an excuse that let's Jimmy off the hook for killing Clark--he was controlled by Parallax!!! Oh, wait...no, he thought Clark was Maxwell Lord...no, wait...

No the real story here is that a secret criminal "assassination gang" is forcing Jimmy to work for them. How secret??

SPOILER ALERT: We eventually learn the organization is named "Assassins Anonymous"...I guess there was no real need for all the secrecy, huh?

Anyway, they use both mind-control gas AND an electronic mind-control set of laurel leaves (?!?!) to brainwash and control Jimmy. They send him to the Daily Planet, because Clark has hidden in his desk a list of "secret kryptonite caches." Question 1: why???? Question 2: if it's so secret, why does everyone, even the criminal element, know that Clark has the list??

Clark walks in on Jimmy rifling his desk, and:

Now, a nanosecond after shooting Clark, Jimmy's brainwashing wears off. You'd think he would do the responsible thing, and alert the authorities and Superman. After all, he wasn't in control of his actions, and in DC good guys are never responsible for their bad actions.

But never forget, Jimmy Olsen is a selfish, cowardly bastard who tries to hide his crime like a 6-year old who broke the lamp:

Way to man up, James Bartholomew Olsen. Of course, Superman tries to get Jimmy to 'fess up:

So, does Jimmy lay it all out for the Man of Steel? What do you think?

But a sudden pang of "conscience" makes Jimmy change his mind. He instead sends Supes off into the death-trap AA has prepared for him, involving a sexy French scientist, a time machine, kryptonite, and the abominable snowman (please, don't ask, you're better off not knowing).

So let's sum up: under mind control, Jimmy murders Kent. No longer under mind control, Jimmy doesn't immediately seek justice for Clark, or turn over the AA, or stop the plot against Superman. He just tries to protect his own skin. He's even seriously tempted to kill Superman just to cover his tracks!!

Fortunately for all, through an elaborate counter-plot involving finger-tapping Morse Code, a felt-tip pen, a fake circuit burning out, and double exposure (please don't ask) Jimmy and Dr. Sex Kitten eventually save Superman and foil the AA. And apparently, Jimmy is going to win the Pulitzer for being a murderous, cowardly bastard:

As a final question, just what would that "gamma weapon" have done, anyway:

Oh, man, they had this and gave us that craptacular story instead??? What a rip-off...

This full-length epic was presented in Jimmy Olsen #103. Clark never stopped looking over his shoulder afterwards...

Olsen Vs. Superman Week--I Promised You Monkeys

If there is one thing we have learned during Olsen Vs. Superman Week, it is this:

When Jimmy turns on Kal-El, the consequences are pretty steep: murder, torture, the unmasking of Clark Kent. But Superman is the Ashton Kutcher of this relationship. Whenever he turns on Jimmy Olsen, it's almost, well, a mild-mannered punking. "Sorry, Jimmy, you have to live in a slum. Ha ha!" "Sorry, Jimmy, someone else is my best pal now." No death, no torture...just a (relatively gentle) tweaking.

Which brings us to:


My oh my.

Allow me to assure you, this scene actually happens. Really. 100% accurate. I'm in heaven!

Now, I'm not going to go into too much depth about this story. I don't think we need a deep examination of the story's...um...outdated views of Africans. Suffice it to say:

• Once again the Daily Planet has an apparently unlimited budget, as they send both Clark and Jimmy to "cover the background story" of a "jungle epic" that is being filmed in Africa.


• The local tribesman worship Bruna, the ape, as a goddess.


• After viewing King Kong, Bruna is inspired to save Jimmy and take him as a mate.


• Whenever Jimmy tries to get away, Bruna goes berserk.


• After witnessing Superman's strength and flight, the villagers decide that "with such powers, he must be the greatest witch doctor in the jungle!"


• The local witch doctor is sick, so the chief asks Superman to perform the wedding ceremony for Bruna and Jimmy.


• By getting Bruna to view another movie, wherein a gorilla throws a man off a cliff, they trick her into throwing her off a cliff, and Superman catches her, and everyone goes home. LOL!
  

So that's it. Lame, occasionally offensive, and fairly inconsequential. But "The Bride of Jungle Jimmy" (or at least the cover they chose to use) reinforces this dichotomy: when Superman acts out, he's just a prankster older brother. When Jimmy acts out, he's a selfish homicidal maniac.

Which leads to tomorrow: MURDER MOST FOUL!!!

Spine-meltingly great cover from Jimmy Olsen #98, December 1966. Remember, if you marry a monkey, get a pre-nup. Jungle lawyers are tough.

Olsen Vs. Superman Week--When the Covers Are Lies

Earlier during Olsen Vs. Superman Week I discussed how, despite being "pals," a healthy percentage of stories turned out to be Jimmy Olsen trying to bring down Superman, or Superman trying to punish Jimmy. These two characters constantly expressed a fair amount of resentment towards each other, and I wondered if maybe this was a very real "other side of the same coin" to the reader identification character Jimmy is.

Sure, every reader wanted to be Superman's pal. But, apparently, a substantial number also felt that one or the other needed to be taken down a peg; either Superman was too perfect or Jimmy too obnoxious. Why else would the editors keep running these stories, and keep making them the cover stories?

In fact, even when the stories involved NO Olsen vs. Superman at all, DC still ran covers portraying the stories as such. That must mean these covers moved issues, right?

Example one: Jimmy Olsen #135, January 1971.


Great cover. But the flipping scene never happens...not even close!!

This was one of the earliest of the Kirby issues, the one that introduced Cadmus, and maybe the editors had no earthly idea how to market such oddness. But the cover is so completely unrepresentative that I had to read it twice to make sure I hadn't missed something. Specifically:

• There is no Jimmy attacking Superman, at all



• The title of the story is the "Evil Factory," but it's not Jimmy's; it's talking about Cadmus



• We do see some miniature-clone type Supermen (along with Olsens and Newsboy Legionnaires), but they're controlled by Darkseid's droogs, and they never attack Superman.
  

In other words, the cover is almost as large a lie as possible while still maintaining some shred of connection to the story. When they don't know how to sell it, the editors default to convincing the public that it's an Olsen Vs. Superman story.

Example two: Jimmy Olsen #109, March 1968.

What the cover bills as a "shockumentary" is really an imaginary story. Sigh. But even worse, the scene the cover depicts doesn't actually happen! It's just a dream that the imaginary Luthor has!! A dream in an imaginary story. This is an extra silly story. Basically, "several years ago," Luthor uses a time viewer to see that Jimmy Olsen will become Superman's pal, and instead he contrives to rescue Jimmy from an accident so Olsen will become Luthor's pal, and help him to unknowingly destroy Superman. This involves hypothetical identical twins, sisters with psychic powers, and both Luthor and Jimmy behaving so stupidly that you hope that this was the first universe consumed in the original Crisis.

But in the story, Jimmy never turns on Superman, never schemes to unmask him, never becomes evil. Luthor just tries to arrange it so Jimmy unknowingly and accidentally kills Kal-El. Only in Luthor's odd three-panel extraneous nightmare does Olsen turn to evil. SO it was an even more imaginary bit in an imaginary story!!

So of course, since those are the panels that are least representative of the story, one of them is chosen for cover glory. Because apparently, kids loved to read about Olsen Vs. Superman.

By the way, they're both great covers, but LIARS!! LIARS!!

Bonus panel: this is only an imaginary story, I know, but what exactly is Lex revealing to us here? Too much information....

Olsen Vs. Superman Week--Superman's Revenge

OK, so I lied about the monkeys coming today. Later this week, I promise. Meanwhile...yesterday we looked at what a dickweed Jimmy Olsen could be to his supposed pal. Today we visit what happens when Superman abuses the friendship:

Once again, we have a cover that's completely true. This scene actually occurs (more or less), and isn't a dream or a red kryptonite hallucination. Which leaves us with one conclusion--Superman is a jerk.

For reasons beyond the ken of mere mortals, Perry White has assigned Jimmy Olsen to do a major expose on Metropolis' slums. This is kind of interesting, because a) Perry gives the same assignment to Lois Lane 6 months later, and b) unlike Lois' trip to "Little Africa," when Jimmy investigates, the "slums of Metropolis" are occupied by 100% white people. Hmmm...

Anyhoo, after Clark declares that Jimmy's story is soooo good that "it could mean the Pulitzer Prize," Perry White shows he skipped a couple of days of journalism ethics class:



Despite Perry kow-towing to The Man, Jimmy is undeterred, and takes his own life savings ($300!) to rent an apartment in the slum. He plans to write a book, and a "publisher friend promised to print it!"

But, Jimmy is a pretty big pussy. Despite the fact that this "ghetto" is filled with lily-white old folks, groovy college kids, and no minorities whatsoever, he freaks out, and commits the single most unjustified use of the signal watch EVER:

What next? "I can't find my remote control...Zee zee zee zee?"

Well, Superman does show up to help, although he can't help making a snide remark about Jimmy's living conditions:


Now, maybe Kal-El is a bit peeved at Jimmy calling him for no good reason. But when Jimmy asks for help, Supes shows what a petty dweeb he is:

OK, so you only help Jimmy out when he consults with you on what projects he does? C'mon, dude--Jimmy is trying to expose a slum lord and help people improve their living conditions (which is more than you're doing), and you refuse to help because he didn't get the Superman seal of approval?? Even after you, as Clark, praised him for how important this story was? Oh, Superman, you've crossed over into dickweedery, haven't you?

Now, I'll grant you, this is better than the cover, which implies Superman is punishing Jimmy for being a "wise guy" by forcing him to live in a slum. But not much better. Jimmy's taken on a hard and icky case, and the Man of Steel can't be bothered to get his fingers dirty (see below).

Even worse, Superman "carelessly" exposes Jimmy to great danger:

Smooth move, Man of Tomorrow! Fortunately for Metropolis' downtrodden, Jimmy perseveres. Without any help from Superman, he gets gets kidnapped, has his head shaved (!), and tracks down and exposes "Mr. Squeeze," the mysterious slum lord. But in the end, Superman swoops in and tries to claim all the glory.
So, to summarize: Jimmy writes a story Clark seems to be jealous of; because Jimmy doesn't "consult" with Superman first, Kal-El refuses to help him out; and only after Jimmy does all the hard work does Superman actually do anything to help anyone. Verdict: Dickweed.

I must note though, that Superman usually isn't as big a dickweed as Jimmy. When Jimmy goes Hal Jordan on Superman, it's usually major and life-threatening: revealing his secret identity, helping villains kill him, murdering Clark Kent. Superman's betrayals are usually much milder, and involve leaving Jimmy in embarrassing situations or treating him like dirt. And then there's the monkeys...

Today's humiliation of Jimmy comes from Jimmy Olsen #127, March 1970. True Fact: this issue was the inspiration for the show Good Times.

Bonus panel with inside mouse-over joke only for MST3K fans:

Olsen V. Superman Week--Jimmy Is a Dickweed

We all know that one of the reasons for Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen was to provide some identification for the younger reader--let them feel that, even young, disrespected and powerless, they can contribute to Superman's success.

But man o man, armchair psychologists who spend too much time reading Jimmy Olsen stories quickly realize that there is also a huge undercurrent of tension, resentment and thinly-concealed hatred between these two "pals."

So let's start off Olsen vs. Superman Week with one of the more egregious examples of Jimmy being a colossal dickweed:



Yup, this story really happens, and the cover is 100% accurate. It starts as Superman is saving the world from some space-termites, when:

Unfortunately:


Things don't look good for our Pal Jimmy:
Now, in no big surprise, Jimmy manages to stage a miraculous recovery. But, dickweed that he is, he decides to use his illness to betray his "best friend":
Now, obviously, this kind of behavior should immediately disqualify you the position of "Superman's Pal." It's bad enough to pretend to be dead without letting your friends know you're alive. But to pretend to be dying, and use that to extract your best friend's most precious secret, for personal gain--well, that's dickweedery*, pure and simple.
Of course, Jimmy maybe has some reason to treat Superman like this. After he checks out of the hospital, he observes this:
So, Superman definitely earns some of Jimmy's dickweedery* this issue. Unless there's some contractual clause that requires the position as "Superman's Pal" to be filled at all times, why in the world couldn't he have waited until after Jimmy's funeral to replace him?? And "I've had my eye on you as a replacement??!!" The context of the story makes clear that all of this happens during a 1-day period. Does that mean that Supes was planning on replacing Olsen even before this incident?!?! We'll never know, and we're left with one of the greater DC mysteries...what ever became of Carl Bentley, Superman's Best Pal In Waiting??

Anyway, Jimmy can't wait to twist the knife:

Yup. "Sweat, you Benedict Arnold." Of course, Jimmy was going to betray you even before he knew you were going to bertay him, so I guess you both suck, huh?

Now, in a series of page-filling coincidences both tedious and unbelievable, Jimmy comes to believe that Superman has been lying to people all day. So when we get to the big TV show:


D'oh!!

What an ethical swamp we have here. Jimmy recovers from an illness, but pretends to be ill to get a big scoop by punking his best friend! But it turns out Jimmy's best friend couldn't wait for him to die, and was going to replace him!! But then Jimmy reveals that he's still alive, and makes his pal sweat as he pledges to reveal the secret to the world! Jimmy then, somehow, manages to "deduce" that he was wrong, so he can't go through with the unmasking. BUT it's not because he is convinced that the unmasking itself is wrong--he just believes he has the wrong info!! Meanwhile, despite a narrow and undeserved escape, Clark laughs and laughs and leaves Jimmy to twist in the wind. And thanks to unbelievably stupid "deduction" Jimmy makes, none of these issues are at all resolved

Zoinks! This is what passes for friendship in Silver Age DC?? Yes, yes it is. Friendship back then was merely a seething cauldron of hatred, resentment, gamesmanship, trickery and humiliation. Only random chance, chicanery, coincidence and stare decisis kept men folk from devolving into constant physical battle and, probably, cannibalism.

And that's just day 1 of Olsen Vs. Superman Week. Tomorrow: monkeys!!

All panels from Jimmy Olsen #121, 1969. 

**"Dickweedery" is copyright 2007 by Slay, Monstrobot of the Deep. No, it's not a swear word. Feel free to use it in front of your mom.