Showing posts with label Norman Osborn. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Norman Osborn. Show all posts

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

The 10 Most Embarrassing Spider-Man Moments?!?

Hey, gang, let's reminisce about the Top 10 Embarrassing Moment's In Spider-Man's Career, as told by...


...at least you weren't paid in Bitcoin, Spidey...


Sigh...people still fail to realize that the Spider-Mobile was a brilliant satirical critique of the Batmobile!







This was from Spectacular Spider-Man Annual #12 (1992). As such, it missed a whole plethora of future embarrassing Spidey moments that would surely make the list today:

**The Clone Saga would be good for at least two or three...maybe four or five!

**The costume Tony Stark made for you

**That whole "The Other" business

**The fact that Norman Osborn got it on with your girlfriend more than you ever did, and the result was kids who tried to kill you.

**Radioactive Spider-Semen

**The time Norman Osborn...look, just any story about Osborn after he "came back from death" is pretty much terrible and embarrassing

**Maximum Carnage

**The time Spidey revealed his secret identity to the world for Tony Stark's PR machine. and then was shocked--shocked--that it might put his loved ones in danger!!

**The time Spidey made a deal with THE DEVIL to save Aunt May's life (Meanwhile, ghostly Uncle Ben is grumbling, "What am I, chopped liver? Why no supernatural shenanigans to save me?")

Geez, we haven't even gotten to "had my body stolen by Doc Ock" yet!

Hay, Marvel, we're going to need a longer annual!

Thursday, June 6, 2013

An Architect Builds A Scary House

The recently concluded Daredevil: End Of Days mini-series is set at an indeterminate time in the future, after Daredevil has been killed by Bullseye.

During the course of the series, reporter Ben Urich dies, and amongst the condolences received by his family:

Wha hwa what?!?!?!

Now, this series was written by Bendis, and of course Peter and Kitty Pryde were an item in the Bendis-written Ultimate Spider-Man. But this series clearly doesn't take place in the Ultimate Universe. So is Bendis predicting--or foreshadowing?--that the two will become an item in Marvel-616?? He is An Architect, so maybe we should take that pretty seriously. Of course, it's possible it's some other Kitty...

[This would also suggest, of course, that the events of Superior Spider-Man are not permanent. Well, duh.]

Later in the issue, we overhear a newscast, covering the controversy over The Hand establishing itself as a tax-exempt church (A church of ninjas? Oh my!):

"Vice-President Osborne"?!?!?!?!

Again, we know that in the past, Bendis has had a fetish for making Osborn uber-powerful, going so far as to use the same damn storyline twice during his Avengers tenure.

So is Osborn going to rise a 3rd time, this time only a heartbeat away from the presidency?!? Is that possible? You'd dismiss this as a writer riding his favorite hobby horse in a hypothetical future...but this is An Architect, so his hypothetical hobby horses can easily become real nags.

So watch the future, folks...

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Bait And Switch, 90s Style!

Aunt May had just died--for reals--a couple of months earlier, yet people were concerned that it was just a plot device.

Example: this excerpt from a letter by Erik Martin of Sutherland Nebraska, in Spider-Man Unlimited #10 (1995):

And the reply? Why, Marvel would NEVER, EVER do that!!

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Suckers!

Three years later, of course, May was back, as it "turns out" that Norman Osborn had merely kidnapped May and replaced her with a dying, genetically-altered actress, and...

Hey!! Forget what we said earlier--that in no way cheapens the "touching" Amazing Spider-Man #400!! It...uh...enhances it!! Yeah, that's the ticket...

Suckers...

Monday, July 9, 2012

Spider-Manic Monday #5--The Great Coincidence Machine

Some minor but spoilerish points about the brand-spanking new Amazing Spider-Man movie (which I thought was pretty good). So, if you ain't seen in yet, come back later, OK?

Spoilers commence after the 4 promo posters...




Look, I'm the last guy to insist that a movie be slavishly identical to the comic books.

And I understand that the constraints of a 2-hour movie require certain storytelling short-cuts that you might not need in a weekly TV show or a monthly comic.

But really, screenwriters James Vanderbilt, Alvin Sargent and Steve Kloves...do you expect us to believe a) Richard Parker worked at Oscorp AND b) that Peter Parker's dad "created" the genetic hybrid spider that bit Peter AND c) That same spider was also responsible for the stronger-than-steel "super-silk" that Peter uses to make his webbing AND d) that Curt Connors also worked at Oscorp, and was Richard Parker's "partner," and was perhaps responsible for his disappearance/death AND e) Richard Parker developed the equation that led to the Lizard formula AND f) that Gwen Stacy had an internship at Oscorp under Connors??

For the next movie, why not just have the Daily Bugle headquarters in the Oscorp building, AND Max Dillon employed as an electrician there, AND Otto Octavious a scientist there (who was also buddies with Richard Parker), and...

An awful lot of coincidences going on there, is all I'm saying.

Also, how much does a NYPD Captain earn? Because the Stacys' crib is pretty damn swank...

Also, a 17 year-old high school intern, granted a very smart young lady, has access to every piece of technology and every top-secret formula at the world's biggest bio-tech company? Even after her boss gets fired?

Also, we're fighting a doctor who has experienced terrible results from an inadequately tested serum, and your solution is to expose everyone in lower Manhattan to an even-less tested antidote? There are no possible side-effects from everyone inhaling these gene-altering snowflakes??

Like I said, pretty entertaining movie...just don't think about it after it's over...

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Spoiler Saturday--New Avengers #24!

In the odd little version of the Marvel Universe that Bendis has created, the people worshiped and idolized the Avengers of the Heroic Age. Until Norman Osborn showed up, and gave one little speech. And suddenly, everyone turned on a dime and hated the Avengers (even though it wasn't that good a speech):

I mean, really, who needs the Purple Man or the Puppet Master or other mind control guys, when the Marvel-616 masses can be turned 180 degrees in 30 seconds by a "boo hoo, the Avengers are mean" speech from the man who launched a war with Asgard? Even the media swallowed Norman's bull hook, line and sinker.

Well, every problem has a solution. And Bendis' solution to the straw man he himself conjured up out of nowhere? Have Luke Cage talk some street sense to them:

You, know, whether this was a metaphor for the Tea Party or the Occupy movement or the anti-Ozzie Guillen protests (OK, probably not), the solution Cage proposes--everybody go home and "fix their own houses" and all of society's problems magically get better--is, well, amazingly patronizing and thunderously naive and well, just plain stupid.

Than again, I'm sure Bashar al-Assad is passing this exact same message on to Syrian protestors at this very moment...

Of course, Cage's magic words work, mainly because it's time for Avengers Vs. X-Men and this silly plot thread needed to be "resolved" as quickly as possible.

And, as Luke Cage's position is essentially "using your First Amendment rights is for fools, especially when you annoy us Avengers," it looks like Osborn may have been right about them after all...

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Why Daredevil Needs To Check The Weather Reports Before He Goes On Patrol

In this week's New Avengers #21, there's a real head-scratcher:

Questions and comments?

A) Storm just called "dibs" on Daredevil for Avengers Vs. X-Men.

B) Whirlwind, Weather Wizard, Windshear, and every other weather or air-based villain in the comics multiverse are face-palming themselves right now..."A hero whose powers stop working in the wind? How come we can't get to fight him?!"

C) I know Daredevil's radar sense isn't literally radar, but c'mon...does that make even a lick of sense? If Daredevil fights Stilt-Man on a breezy day, game over?!?

D) Bendis wrote Daredevil for years...and he brings this up now??

Hmmm...maybe if we pull the camera back for a bit of context...

Well, that just gives me more questions and comments...

A) Shouldn't everyone not remember Thor at all, due to Tanarus' spell? How would they (or Norman Osborn, for that matter) even recognize a Thor clone? Does Bendis ever read anyone else's books?

B) Even if the spell somehow isn't affecting everyone, shouldn't these guys all believe that Thor is dead? They were just at his funeral...

C) Most of these guys have already faced Ragnarok the insane Thor clone, back in Civil War. Yes, including Daredevil (I guess the wind wasn't blowing that day...). And Spider-Man. So, if the spell ISN'T working, you'd think that maybe they'd recognize him, especially with super-senses and all. But hey, don't let that get in the way of everyone standing around bantering (and Ragnarok just sits there and let's them banter. If they'd kept quipping, maybe he'd have just gone away...)

D) This is already the 4th time Ragnarok has come back. So, enough already? But considering that this is the second time that Norman Osborn has become Lex Luthor and taken over the country, well, I guess re-runs are all we're getting until Bendis finishes his Avengers' runs.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Who Is The Bigger Idiot...

...Norman Osborn or the American people (and the media, too)?

I mean, you're tempted to say the American people...at least those of Marvel-616. I mean, in Siege, they're being given the exact same scenario as Civil War, but apparently reaching the opposite conclusion.

In Civil War, as you'll recall, a group of heroes recklessly attack some villains in Stamford, things blow up, and 600 people died. And the public blamed the heroes, not the villains, and the Registration Act passed, etc, etc.

And now in Siege, a group of heroes recklessly attack a putative villain, things blow up, and tens of thousands of people die. And this time, despite the much higher casualty count, we're supposed to believe the public reacts in exactly the opposite manner, blaming those attacked rather than the attackers.

Then again, this is the same American public who saw Norman Osborn just happen to be the one who made the killshot on the Queen Skrull and decide to make him all-powerful, which is akin to people seeing Ted Bundy put a bullet in Bin-Laden's head and electing him Pope of Chilitown, so who knows.

(By the way, I would have said spoiler alert, but since Marvel has been printing these pages from Siege as a "preview" for over a month now, there's nothing to spoil. Special note to Marvel: maybe, just maybe, you shouldn't print the only interesting pages from the story as a preview, leaving the rest of the issue to be a raging anti-climax and borefest. I'm just sayin'...)

So yeah, the American people of 616 are dumbasses.

But Norman Osborn...he's supposed to be a genius, right? Then how does something like this happen?

He and Loki are going to send to U-Foes to beat up on Volstagg, to create a pretense to justify an invasion of Asgard.

Now, let's look at the reasoning used...

You can't go with the Avengers or Thunderbolts? Why not? Well, it must mean a) this will be public, and b) you need plausible deniability. Osborn can't be seen as being behind the attack...

EXCEPT...the U-Foes are not some unknown mystery men. They're the official Initiative team of North Carolina!!

How do we know this?

Because Osborn himself held a televised press event introducing them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (In Avengers: Initiative #26, to be precise).

So there's no way he can claim that he has no idea who attacked Volstagg, no connection to them--he pimped them on live TV as his hand-picked "champions!"

Man, if I were cynical, I'd think that Bendis was (once again) not even bothering to care in the least what his fellow Marvel writers were doing...

And you can hardly argue that they weren't seen...they were standing right on top of the Jumbotron at Soldier Field!!

Do you know how many network TV cameras are at an NFL game? How many cell phone cameras must have transmitted an image of them before the big boom? And the cops an civilians where the fight started saw them, too.

OK, OK, maybe you can argue that Loki double-crossed Osborn, and picked the U-Foes specifically to foil his plans. But if that's true--and there's no evidence that it is--than why does Osborn compound the problem by taking the U-Foes to beat up Thor??

They're there--in his company--seen on live national television!! The same guys who just publicly blew up Soldier Field, are hanging around with Citizen Osborn and beating up known hero Thor.

Despite what Osborn said earlier about not wanting to be connected to this.

Norman Osborn--the stupidest man alive.

I mean, it couldn't just be terrible comic book writing, could it?

Thursday, December 17, 2009

When Unstable Personalities Rise To Power...

...these are the types of conversations they have:

I mean, "Scientist Supreme" nonsense aside, Hank Pym can make Norman Osborn look like a stable guy...

P.S. You know, if a guy with a history of mental breakdowns suddenly started telling everybody that the physical embodiment of the universe had just appeared to him and informed him that, despite the instability, he was the most important dude ever, wouldn't you take that with a little grain of salt?!? And if said unstable man starts saying, "Yeah, this nebulous guy told me I was smarter than Reed Richards AND Tony Stark, I'm the Scientist Supreme," wouldn't you be looking around for the nearest straitjacket, and preparing for another Ultron attack? I'm, just saying...


Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Questions That Others Dare Not Ask--The Hair!!

Once again, we must delve deeply here at Slay Monstrobot, and ask the Questions That Others Dare Not Ask!!

The question...

Why are people always ragging on Norman Osborn's hair...

...yet no one makes fun of Sandman's...

...even though he'd been rockin' the same 'do for years before Normie ever showed up?!?

Just askin'...

Pics from Amazing Spider-Man #37 (1966) by Ditko, Dork X-Men: The Beginning #3 (2009) by Jae Lee, Amazing Spider-Man #4 (1963) by Ditko, and Amazing Spider-Man #615 (2010) by Javier Pulido.


Thursday, October 22, 2009

Civics Lesson

From this week's Dork Avengers #10:


Uhh...

A) There's this little thing called separation of powers, and it would be a congressional committee that controls funding. Unless, of course, Norman Osborn has disbanded congress or something.

B) Even if some executive department "committee" controlled the funding for paramilitary organizations like H.A.M.M.E.R., you wouldn't think the secretary of state would be the one to control it...much more likely to be the defense secretary or the director of NSA, right? H.A.M.M.E.R. is hardly a diplomatic agency...

C) If, as Spider-Man tells us, Obama is president, than shouldn't the secretary of state be a "she," and not a "he?" Or is Obama not actually canon? Or did the Earth-616 Obama choose someone else?

Of course, knowing the Marvel universe these days, Phillip Masters or the Purple Man or the Ringmaster is secretary of state these days, and Osborn means it very literally when he says he "controls" the committee...Hey, in a world where the Red Skull can become U.S. defense secretary (Dell Rusk...grrrr), or Tony Stark, I guess anything is possible.


Saturday, January 24, 2009

Dork Avengers

Questions, I have questions...

A) Man, if Bendis really wanted to write Thunderbolts stories that badly, why the hell not just write Thunderbolts? Why drag Norman Osborn et al into a whole new and unnecessary Avengers book???

B) Why the elaborate charade?

Remember, the premise is, the public saw Osborn being a hero against the Skrulls, and the public clamor caused the president to put him in charge of H.A.M.M.E.R. and the Avengers.

Well, the rest of the Thunderbolts team was there too, right? Moonstone was there, Bullseye was there, Venom was there. They fought and killed Skrulls live on TV. Wouldn't they then be regarded as heroes, just as much as Osborn?

So why the pretend game? Why pretend Moonstone is Ms. Marvel, or Bullseye is Hawkeye, or Venom is Spider-Man? Why would the public accept Osborn as the Iron Patriot, but not the rest of his team??

C) Spider-Man.

Let's check in with Peter Parker, and see what's up in his life.

Hunted...
...hurting...
...and fearedOh, right. He's wanted for suspicion of being the "Spider Tracer" serial killer. The police are shooting to kill on sight. The general public believes he's a killer, and is frightened to death of him.

Hmmm.

So having Venom disguise himself as a perceived serial killer is an advantage how??

Yet, in the very same city, here's the press and the public, wildly cheering for the man identified as Spider-Man.

But hailed as a hero here. Hmmm...So, the police and the people and the papers (especially the DB!!) have magically forgotten their vendetta against Spidey why?

Or has Osborn somehow pardoned Spider-Man, and the message just hasn't gotten through to the NYPD yet?? So instead of tweaking Spider-Man, he's actually doing him a favor?? And we can expect to Peter Parker receive some of this love in his own mag??

Or, more likely, is it that Bendis just doesn't give a damn what's going on in anybody else's books? That he can't be bothered to have his charade make sense because, dammit, he wants Venom to be an Avenger, and the storyline in Amazing Spider-Man can just go frell itself?!?

D) Ares and the Sentry?!?!?

Look, Bendis clearly has some deep liking for these characters, as they're the only ones he kept around from Mighty. But in heaven's name, why?!? In the Sentry's stint in New and Mighty Avengers, and Ares' in Mighty, have either one of them done anything even remotely interesting, or even memorable?!? If you like these guys so much, Bendis, why the hell don't you have them actually do something?!?

So what does the first real event of Purple Reign give us? Gussied up Thunderbolts, used in ways that make no sense, and a 7-page preview of Secret Warriors that had ALREADY been run in the Dark Reign: New Nation special. There's $3.99 well spent.

I guess it really is a dark reign...

Clips from Amazing Spider-Man 584 and Dork Avengers #1