Marvel 2005 Week--Uncanny X-Men #461!!

As we wrap up Marvel 2005 Week, I've got a warning...you might not want to read this post. The contents have been known to shatter minds and cause great rolling waves of insanity.

Oh, you're tough? You think you can take it? Your funeral:

By heaven, I hate Mojo. I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate Mojo.

Seriously, I strongly dislike the character.

I hate characters who might (I said "might"--I'm not conceding anything here) have been decent as a one-off, but are brought back again and again and again (and AGAIN). I hate characters who are effectively omnipotent, who can do anything--literally anything, unconstrained by any laws or rules--yet never, ever win. I hate characters who are based on a one-note premise--hey, a demented TV executive!!--that are never, ever advanced one iota past that initial "elevator pitch."

You know what? Mojo is just Mxyzlptlk without the bowler hat...and written 28 times worse. Sigh...

Anyway, there is a mea culpa here. Even though I'm supposed to feature comics cover dated October 2005 this week, this one is August 2005. What happened? Well, this is as far as the GITCorp X-Men DVD-Rom goes...it was, I believe, the first of their Marvel collections, so it was published in late 2005, so this is where they stopped. Or, if you believe my theory, the process of scanning this comic caused whole cadres of GITCorp employees to lose their minds.

Anyway, if I did have access to the October 2005 issue of Uncanny X-Men, well, it would just be yet another House Of M tie-in, and frankly, who needs another one of those?

So, anyway, what's going on here?

Shudder....

Recap: Juggernaut and Nocturne have just escaped from the Mojoverse, but Spiral and Mojo followed, intent on capturing all of the X-Men for Mojo's entertainment network. That's the Danger Room they're in, by the way.

Our creators:

Before I sound like I'm giving Claremont too hard a time, please remember--he didn't invent Mojo. He did, however, invent this title for the story, so he deserves whatever scorn we heap on him:

So, of course, the X-Men attack, and of course, the omnipotent ones brush it aside without effort.

Why haven't they won yet??

All right, I'm giving you one last chance to turn away here. What happens next WILL destroy brain cells AND self-esteem:



And the results of the (groan) "Jean-bomb"?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

X-Babies.

I'm doing an X-Babies story.

I'm going to Hell for this.

By the way, this at at least the 4th time Mojo has played the X-Babies card (albeit the first time Claremont's been involved, I think). But hey, when you have a villain who can do literally anything, why not keep going to the same well over and over, instead of coming up with original ideas???

And again, Mr. Mojoptlk and crew have unlimited powers to distort reality, so why haven't they won already?

Sigh...

Of course, there is a good reason to turn them into babies:

OK, no superpowers. Except for the recently resurrected Psylocke...for reasons never explained, Spiral's spell had no effect on her. So, you deal with her in Looney Tunes fashion:

Really.

Anyway, the X-Babies are tykes not just in body, but in mind, as well:

Remember that, please.

Meanwhile, Mojo discovers that Betsy Braddock no longer has the bionic eyes (secret cameras) that he had given her several adventures ago, and he is ticked:

How does he propose to punish this??


Really, I'm not making this up. A team of "lawyers," based on a version of the Exiles, who just run around stupidly (without doing anything the least bit lawyerly, by the way). I mean, it's sort of brilliantly stupid, in a demented and not-actually-brilliant sort of way...

Cartoon hijinks ensue:

Oh, by the way...when Mojo told us that they were "too young for super-powers?"

He lied, because despite being "omniscient," he's apparently dumb.

Really, that's kind of sloppy storytelling when you have to do a retcon on your own premise just 7 pages later.

"The proportional power of a juggernaut"???? What does that even mean? If nothing can stop the full-size Juggernaut, does that mean some things can stop a tiny one?? What the heck is the "proportional power" of near-infinite??

Meanwhile, the all-powerful Mojo and Spiral just stand around watching and kvetching. Because with absolute power comes absolute stupidity.

Meanwhile, Baby Storm is trying to get to the control room so she can use the "command protocols" to do something or other. And of course, it's a Claremont story, so she's got to go through a confined space:

And there she encounters Baby Juggernaut, cowering and weeping because of a guilty conscience over some of the people he hurt as an adult. Hey, remember earlier, when all of the X-Babies thought and acted as children? Not so much anymore:

Just for the record, we get 2 entire pages of Oprah empowerment talk from two toddlers sitting in an air duct. TWO WHOLE PAGES.


You make the call:
A) Claremont lost the mission here, and forgot to write these as kids.
B) Since this is identical to any of 1,000 "adult" X-conversations over the years, Claremont has ALWAYS written the X-Men as if they were babies.

Tough call.

Anyway, Spiral stops Storm from getting to the controls:

Again, if she could do that, why not do it back at the beginning????

Fortunately, Storm's little pep talk launched Cain Marko back into action:

So yay, everybody wins...somehow. Regaining control of the Danger Room somehow magically depowers the infinitely powerful Mojo, and the day is saved. Somehow.

He can alter time and space to his whims, but being "chumped" by a big box stops him cold. Really.

Except, of course, the spell that made them babies. So Kitty Pryde tells Mojo to reverse that spell, or else:

Yup, all powerful demi-god, scared off by a smirking girl. Real tough villain.

Mojo offers Juggernaut a chance to remain young, and of course the schmuck says no...

...because suffering is part of what makes you good, says S&M master Claremont.

And the final panel?

That's it?? What?? The issue just stops?? Your story ends there??? Emma Frost is going to "make sure Mojo never bothers them again"?? How?? HOW?!?!?!

Well, perhaps it's better they never explained, since (SPOILER ALERT) he does bother them again.

Man, I'm sorry that you had to see that.

ELSEWHERE IN THE MARVEL UNIVERSE:

Speaking of X-Babies:

Because you can never run an idea into the ground fast enough...at least it's not Mojo this time.

Fact: I've never purchased an issue of Cable. I've never purchased an issue of Deadpool. I've never purchased an issue of Cable & Deadpool.

So I really don't have much else to say there.