Hawkeye Is Better Than Green Arrow--Proven With SCIENCE!!!!!

Some people, it seems, disagreed with my statement yesterday that "there is no possible universe in which Green Arrow will ever be as cool as Hawkeye."

Well, not to stir a tempest in a teapot, but my statement was empirically, objectively, logically and certifiably true.

 VS.

Let's go to the science, shall we? [FYI, we're going with comic book incarnations here. Which actually levels the playing field a bit, as MCU Hawkeye blew up Loki with an exploding arrow]

ORIGIN:
Oliver Queen is the original 1%-er, a billionaire. Not a particularly good one, as he's lost and restored his fortune more times than DC has announced and changed plans for a Wonder Woman film. He became a hero because that's what billionaires did back then.

Hawkeye was an orphan who ran away and joined the circus. Literally. And was taught to be a marksman by a super-villain.

Easy win for Hawkeye.

COSTUME:
People like to make fun of Hawkeye's purple outfit.

And that's OK. Because the thing actually looks pretty good in the hands of a good artist:

And most people forget about this one:

PHWOOOOAARRRRRR!!!

I'll take that over ersatz Robin Hood any day.

OTHER POWERS:
Green Arrow fires arrows. And more arrows.

Clint Barton, however, also was...

GOLIATH.

Another clear decision for Hawkeye.

HOTTER GIRLFRIEND:

I'm not sure that this is a valid criteria, but let's play anyway.

Sure, Oliver has had, in some continuities, a long-term relationship with Black Canary.

Of course, despite having a hot girlfriend, Green Arrow has had multiple (multiple) infidelities, and a string of illegitimate children (apparently he never packed the condom arrow). And Dinah dumped him (more than once).

And I really think you're selling Hawkeye's hot girlfriend/wife short:

And let's not forget--Clint Barton has probably the ultimate tie-breaker:

So, yeah...Black Widow AND Mockingbird. Pretty clear win for the Hawkster.

SIDEKICK:

I'm pretty sure that this hasn't happened to Kate Bishop yet:

Another win for Hawkguy!

GREATEST TRIUMPHS:

Well, Hawkeye once beat the Collector, all by himself, after all of the other Avengers had been captured.

Oh, yeah, and Hawkeye also once beat the Grandmaster all by his lonesome, after all of the East and West Coast Avengers were all killed (they got better).

Meanwhile, Green Arrow had a tough time with this guy.

This is getting repetitive. A win for Hawkeye!!

LEADERSHIP: 

Hawkeye was chairman and founder of the West Coast Avengers.

Hawkeye was leader of the Thunderbolts for quite awhile, getting super-villains to go straight, and turning them into effective heroes.

Green Arrow once led...well, he once...well, erm...as near as I can tell, Oliver Queen has never been in charge of anything (except for failing businesses). He's more interested in reflexively arguing with whomever is in charge...

I think you know where this is going...

RANDOM POINTS:

They both died and came back. A toss-up, unless you want to give Ollie demerits for being revived by the Hal Jordan Spectre.

Hawkeye went back in time to ye olde West, and fought Kang with the Two-Gun Kid.

Green Arrow had an Arrow Cave and an Arrow-Mobile and an Arrow-Signal...and obviously the world's biggest case of Batman envy.

Green Arrow's beard, man...that chin hair...

Green Arrow has killed crooks. A lot. Big demerits in my book.

Well, none of that is enough to sway the final results: Hawkeye 1,000,000,000 and Green Arrow 0.

Sorry, Green Arrow fans--it's science!

Smells Like S.H.I.E.L.D. Spirit

In West Coast Avengers #43 (1989), Mockingbird is explaining how she got duped by someone who may or may not have been a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent:

Smelled like S.H.I.E.L.D.? Smelled like S.H.I.E.L.D.??

Well, of course. Because you know that Maxim magazine in the Marvel Universe is filled with ads like this:

EAU DE FURY

I dare you not to buy it...