The Best Cover You've never Seen--Thor Annual #13 (1985)

By some guy named Walt Simonson.

Friday Night Fights--Deal With The Devil Style!!

It's time for perhaps the ultimate Friday Night Fight smackdown: Doctor Doom vs. Satan (the dawn of justice?)

It turns out that Victor has Satan (or Mephisto or whatever) on speed dial:

The battle? Yup. it turns out that Doom has an agreement with Old Scratch--once a year he battle one of The Dark One's minions. If he wins, Satan releases his mother's soul. If he loses? Gulp...

(Translation: Doom is saying that Satan brought muscles to a brain-fight)

What?? A tie!! That's evil...oh, yeah, right.

(Translation: I'm going to go frak up Spider-Man's life now)

Since Cynthia Von Doom's soul has subsequently been freed from Hell, Spacebooger wants Victor to have an annual battle with God to free her soul from heaven...

Evil brains vs. evil brawn came from Astonishing Tales #8 (1971) by Gerry Conway, Gene Colan and Tom Palmer

Now is the time for you to go and vote for my fight. Why? DOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!! That's why! So go and vote!!

700 Ways To Die

As most of you must have heard by now, in August's Amazing Spider-Man #692, Spidey is going to get a teenage sidekick named Alpha.

But, as you also may recall, Dan Slott has promised us that Amazing Spider-Man #700 something "massive" and "seismic" and incredible will happen, with implications that it is going to impact every other Marvel book.

Well, that surely can't be a coincidence, can it? Obviously, Spidey's attempts to mentor young Alpha in the "with great power comes great responsibility" lesson is going to conclude in something ridiculously earth-shattering.

So, given that Dan Slott is a damn fine writer who has my full trust, let's toss around some irresponsible speculation, shall we? Let's talk about the possibilities:

SPIDER-MAN DIES:

Not likely. Marvel just played the "Peter Parker" dies card, over in the Ultimate Universe, and repeating a gimmick so soon, especially when most of the press & general public don't grok the difference between Ultimate Spidey & 616 Spidey, would be a sure way to get everyone to tune out. Even a fake death wouldn't be terribly sellable, at this point.

Oh, I'm sure that if he chose, Slott could come up with perfectly acceptable stories (Spidey dies protecting Alpha, who takes his place! Alpha turns evil & kills Spidey!), the proximity to Miles Morales' debut means this has about a 0% chance.

ALPHA DIES:

Possible. In and of itself, that doesn't seem at all "seismic." But consider the possibilities contained therein...
**Spidey blames himself, and quits. Well, we've been there done that quite a bit, and not seismic or massive. Not likely.
**Spidey goes on a big vengeance quest for those who are responsible for Alpha's death. A Spider-Man who really snaps and goes rogue, tearing through the villain community, and don't letting any hero stop him, has some possibilities. We've done this with other heroes, though...
**Peter Parker takes his "no one dies" philosophy to heart, and decides that Alpha's death proves that kids shouldn't be heroes, and he goes all Armor Wars to shut down all the youthful heroes--Avengers Academy, New Mutants, Future Foundation, etc. Granted, this may be too similar to Civil War/Initiative storyline, but you could get some mileage out of that concept.

There's one more "Alpha dies" scenario, but let's come back to that one later...

ALPHA TURNS EVIL:

And of course, immediately calls himself Omega. C'mon, we can see that one coming a mile away.

Of course, there are a lot of variations here, including Alpha Gets Corrupted By Power, Alpha Was Really Evil All Along, Alpha Is Controlled/Misled By Enemy X, etc. But none of those are particularly massive or universe-shattering, unless Spidey goes on a huge quest to bring him down that crosses over all over the place.

There are other possibilities, too, including Alpha is as clone of Uncle Ben, or Alpha is really another Norman Osborn bastard, but those ain't gonna happen, either.

So what is going to happen? Well, this is why they don't let me write comic books:

ANOTHER ONE MORE DAY

OK, OK, I know. Trust me, no one hated One More Day more than I did. And yet, since we're stuck with it, maybe Slott can do something with it.

Because honestly, Mephisto must be pretty bummed out by the bargain he made with Peter Parker. Yeah, that great "once in a millennia" love is gone, but it's hard to see much impact on the universe, really. Even Peter and Mary Jane mostly just shrug about their lost relationship.

Indeed, things have really never looked better for Peter Parker. He's a member of the FF and Avengers, he's recognized by (almost) everyone as a hero, he's saved the entire world a couple of times, he's got a high-paying science job...everything's coming up roses for Parker, and that must really tick of Mephisto. Sets a bad precedent for futures deals, you see.

So, what if...what if Mephisto corrupts Alpha (or, maybe if he was Alpha all along?). And what if Mephisto sets Alpha up to kills hundreds or thousands of people? And Spider-Man has his "no one dies" ideal, but the only way to save all the innocent civilians would be...to kill Alpha??

And not only that, but Mephisto arranges it so that no one knows that Alpha has turned, and has everyone--I mean everyone--witness Spidey kill the young and "innocent" hero. And somehow, he reveals himself as Peter Parker at the same time.

So no more Big Time. Spider-Man, hunted by police again and by everyone else. No allies, because everyone saw him do it. No more job, more hot-shot scientist friends, no more secret identity, no more Avengers, no more FF, no more allies anywhere. From the heights, Spider-Man and Peter Parker are brought down to the lowest depths.

Now that sounds more like how a deal with Mephisto is supposed to turn out, doesn't it?

OK, I'm wrong, of course. Feel free to come back in December and tell me what an idiot I am (or tell me now, beat the Christmas rush!!)

Still...it's seismic, it's earth-shattering, it would impact plenty of other books, it would be a very Peter Parker end to Big Time, it might serve to somewhat redeem some tiniest portion of One More Day...I'm sold. But again, that's why they don't let me write comic books...

Beating A Dead Horse

Because this still bothers the hell out of me years later...

Remember--Marvel had Peter Parker willingly make a deal with this guy:

Now, even if I grant that having Peter Parker single somehow magically makes for better comic stories than having him married, the way that which that was accomplished says something about Joe Quesada and JMS, doesn't it?

This is, after all, the Marvel Universe. So you could have had the Beyonder do it, or have Spidey use a Cosmic Cube, or Doctor Strange cast a spell, or a thousand other ways to save Aunt May.

But no, you guys opted to have a hero make a deal with "the black heart that pumps its putrid bile into the farthest corners of the universe." Because that's what heroes do, apparently.

Seriously, you guys thought this was the best way to accomplish your goal??

And that's why Joe Quesada is the last person on Earth who should be shepherding Marvel through the Heroic Age...

Sigh...

Blame my foray into Marvel 1985 for reminding me about this appearance of Mephisto in Fantastic Four #277 by Byrne, Byrne and Ordway...

Marvel 1985 Week--Fantastic Four #276!!

It's kinda dark here...anybody got a light?!?

Whoa!! That's bright!!

Yup, for Marvel 1985 week, I saved the best (or at least my favorite) for last--the Fantastic Four!!

Our creators:

This was, of course, the latter part of John Byrne's epic run as writer/artist (and usually inker, though of course Jerry Ordway inked this particular issue).

I'll come right out and say it--I'm an unabashed Byrne fan. You take a look at his bibliography, and it's pretty inarguable that the man was a giant of his era. Yeah, his art isn't always the most technically brilliant (especially some of his earlier stuff, and under inkers who did him no favors)--but he was clear, and readable, a great portrayer of action and of the fantastic in a normal world. As a writer, Byrne was rarely "innovative" or cerebral, but he understood his characters, and was a creative plotter, rarely settling for regurgitating the status quo.

It's funny, though--I was out of comics for a few years starting in 1997, and when I came back, all of a sudden John Byrne seemed like a persona non grata. He was never a part of the conversation, and much of what he did seemed to be derided in reviews I read.

I never figured out what happened. I know his Genesis event miniseries was pretty heavily disliked (I haven't read it). During the time I was away, his work seemed to increasingly concentrate on "untold tales" series, or epic imaginary series--perhaps he allowed himself to fiddle around in the backwaters of Marvel and DC, became too divorced from mainstream continuity, and took himself out of the fannish eye. And maybe his propensity for feuds and kerfluffle finally took its toll.

Whatever the reasons, in the past few years Byrne has seemingly been set aside, restricted to low-profile projects that generate little buzz and less sales. Which is a shame, because in my opinion, the man is titan of the industry, and (probably) still has a lot to offer.

Even Fantastic Four #276, which wasn't one of his better issues, still has a lot to offer. For example:


In love? That's hardly new, Johnny. What's the big deal?

Yeah, that's right, Johnny's making time with Alicia. Got a problem with that?

That was one hallmark of Byrne...he was willing to shake things up a bit. The Thing stayed behind on the Beyonder's hodgepodge planet after Secret Wars, and was replaced in the FF by She-Hulk. Johnny and Alicia fell in love. Reed and Sue...well, just a second on that.

Anyway, that was thing a lot of people forget about Byrne's run...Johnny grew up a little bit, was showing more maturity. And, of course, he faced the terror of...

SKRULL COOTIES!!! (Of course, Byrne didn't know that in a mere 6 years years, some bright souls would decide that Alicia had been replaced with a Skrull at this point...sigh...).

Speaking of She-Hulk...

You know another thing about Byrne? An awful lot of contemporary artists could stand to learn a lesson from him--you don't need to make a woman look like some perv's version of a sex kitten to make her attractive. I know that in some quarters Byrne has been accused of writing (and drawing) poor female characters, but you could never tell that from his Jennifer Walters, or his Susan Richards.

And Johnny's not the only one getting some tonight...

OK, now to the bulk of the story. In one of Byrne's less stellar storylines (in my opinion, at least), Reed and Sue decided to move to the suburbs, to try and give Franklin a more normal life.

Good luck with that, right? But disguised as Reed & Sue Benjamin, they put on disguises, bought a house, and moved out to the hinterlands of Belle Porte, Connecticut, throwing house parties for the neighbors!!


Cool bit--note that all of their guests are comic strip characters...a No-Prize to anyone who can identify them all (editor's note--there will be no prizes given, so don't bother).

Well, Sue can disguise herself just fine with a wig. But Reed? He has to use one of the more neglected aspects of his powers:

So, everything is happy in suburbia, right? As if. You see, the Richards Benjamins have a snoopy, Gladys Kravitz style neighbor named Alma Chalmers. And she actually believes that Reed & Sue are witches, or demons, or something:

In fact, she's even gone so far as to summon famous exorcist and Andy Warhol lookalike Elspeth Cromwell:

Now remember, earlier in Marvel 1985 Week we saw that, in 1985, some U.S. senators didn't even believe that Doctor Strange or his powers even existed. At the same time, apparently, ordinary citizens did, and "world renowned" (Reed's words!) exorcists were able to make a good living. Go figure.

Anyway, after the party, as Reed is cleaning up:


And Sue is upstairs, brushing her teeth:

(See...you CAN draw a female in her undies without having to register as a sex offender. Are you taking notes, Ed Benes?!?)

Reed and Sue hear the sound of tubular bells...


And, while Reed isn't to hep too the magic, he learns pretty quickly that you don't mess with someone using dark magics against you:

Sue, too, finds thing aren't as easy as they are against the Mole Man...

...although there are some similarities to fighting the Mole Man:

Reed's rescue goes awry, as cosmic-ray empowered stretchy limbs meet demon magic:


OUCH!!

Sue manages to free herself...

So Cromwell summons the big guns:

Unfortunately for everyone, during the fracas, someone gets hurt:

Because spilling the blood of an innocent is never a good way to keep control of your borrowed Satanic powers!!


And the mastermind behind this chaos?!?


Hey, Joe Quesada, look--Mephisto is a bad guy!! Evil!! Dealing with him is a BAD thing. He's not somebody you summon to help you--he's an evil dickweed!! Sigh...

Well, that big an intrusion of evil into our plane of existence won't go unnoticed (again, are you listening, Quesada??), and Doctor Strange springs into action.

That's the end. Really!! Continued next issue!! (SPOILER ALERT: Franklin Richards kicks Satan's ass, with some indirect help from ROM. Seriously!!)

And there's Byrne's Fantastic Four. Even amongst his lesser stories, he was always taking the group to new places, poking and prodding and stretching in different directions. Even with stories that weren't his A-game, they were never boring, and almost always still fun.

And you can be darned sure he would never have had Johnny marry a Skrull, or have Reed support the Registration Act...

ELSEWHERE IN THE MARVEL UNIVERSE:

Hey, where the heck is Ben Grimm, anyway?

Oh, yeah...Ben had his own series, after Marvel-Two-In-One (one of the worst titles ever, by the way...who was in charge of naming that mag?!?) evaporated. For two years it was written by Byrne and penciled by Ron Wilson.

And for about a year, Benjy had been wandering around the Beyonder's hand-crafted planet. He stayed behind in part because, on this planet, he had the ability to shift between Thing and human form at will.

Because the world was a patchwork, created by the Beyonder from chunks of other worlds, Ben wandering took him to all sorts of weird places, from sword & sorcery to high tech to just plain odd. Think of it sort of as Green Lantern Mosaic, except nowhere nearly as good. Still fun, though. (Hey, DC--we gonna put that out in trade anytime soon? Huh?)

This was Byrne's penultimate issue...next issue Ben would come back to Earth (although he wouldn't rejoin the FF, in part because he was upset about Johnny making time with his dame), and Mike Carlin would take over the scripting duties. The mag's continuity still tied in fairly closely with the FF's, though. And about 2 nanoseconds after Byrne left, Ben was back on the team, and She-Hulk was unceremoniously shuffled off to the Avengers.