Best Cover You've Never Seen--Power Of Shazam #4 (1995)

For what it's worth, when I'm appointed Commissioner Of Comics...

...one of my first acts will be to give Jerry Ordway all the money to do another Marvel Family series.

Who said nothing good ever came out of the 90s?

DC--Use Them Or Lose Them!

As you no doubt ignored last week, I opined about Marvel wasting all of the Malibu and Crossgen characters that they owned but refused to do anything with.

Well, this week it's DC's turn.

Except the intellectual properties DC refuses to do anything with are their very own.

DC controls the vastest, deepest, and honestly most interesting collections of heroes ever assembled. Yet to get them to publish anything besides Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman seems a Sisyphean task.

It's now almost two years since Rebirth, and after all of the the shirt-rending (by the people in charge) about how someone (other than themselves) had forgotten all about legacy and DC's deep history, there's still no Legion Of Super-Heroes book. There's still no Justice Society book.

Heroes who have been mainstays of DC for nearly 80 years, and 60 years, languish in limbo. Hell, we just passed the 60th anniversary of the Legion's first appearance without a single commemoration from DC!

Yes, we were sorta kinda promised that these guys would be brought back by the storytelling magic of Rebirth. But it's all been a terrible, terrible tease.

In the two years after Rebirth, we've had, what, 3 panels in various comics suggesting that Saturn Girl is hiding in Arkham? We've had, what, 2 pages of apparently-senile Johnny Thunder rambling about not finding the lightning? That's it, over two years.

Now, if you believe the rumors (unconfirmed, but undenied), than DC wanted to sign a big-name writer, who wanted to do the Legion. But then they were told (allegedly) that no one could touch the Legion, or the JSA, until Geoff Johns was done with Doomsday Clock, the ludicrous and pointless DC/Watchmen crossover. And, as of this writing, there are still 8 bi-monthly issues of Doomsday Clock left to publish, well, we're not going to see Legion or JSA any time soon.

It's the height of stupidity, whatever the reason. The DC TV shows can bring in the JSA and the Legion...but the comics can't? Seriously, that's one of the more ridiculous situations in comics. It's even more ridiculous than Marvel's refusal to print a Fantastic Four comic because of some fit of pique.

DC's not in danger of losing the trademarks, as Marvel is with Malibu/Crossgen, because they continue to publish trades/omnibuses. That would seem to indicate some sort of public demand, right? But no comics, no new stories for the fans.

Meanwhile...

...don't get me started on DC's continued neglect of the Marvel Family...

The Golden Age Multiple Man!!

We begin with an unnamed scientist, disturbed by the state of the world...

OK, that is not a great idea. I mean, a world full of, say, snells? Hell on Earth!!

And the amoeba?

I don't know if  "split at will" is an accurate description, but it's Golden Age Science, so we'll let it go for now.

Less accurate?

"Fission hormone"?

Yeah, it's Jamie Madrox, all right.

The suit--the suit!!

See? It is the Golden Age Multiple Man!!

Wait..."rule the world"?? "Ho, ho, haa!"?? Oh, dear, this is going to take an evil turn, right?

Crime? Noooo...

But we see that "amoeba powers" can make monkeys out of the Marvel Family:

D'oh!!

Double d'oh!

Triple d'oh!!

The ill-gotten gains are going to a worthy cause!

And so an amoeba-based reign of terror overtakes Fawcett City...

Fortunately, our heroes have the wisdom of Solomon (and Minerva!):

That, and a cleverly-placed fake ad on Craig's List...

The meeting does not go well...

See, this is what would happen if you put hundreds of me in a room together...

Well, maybe not the shooting part...

Or can he?

Thus endeth the adventures of the Golden Age Multiple Man!!

From the Marvel Family #27 (1948)

Who Could It Be Now?

Tawky Tawny?!?

Ad from Spy Smasher #8 (1942)

Why Captain Marvel Would Get On Well With Wonder Woman?

Much has been made of the bondage aspects of early Wonder Woman comics.

But where's the talk about the Marvel Family?

Every issue--I mean literally every issue--has at least one story where the hero(es) are captured, bound and gagged in their non-Marvelous form. Every. Goshdarned. Issue. Fawcett City must lead the nation in gag sales.

Of course, gagging is a necessary story contrivance, given the nature of their powers. Still, it can come across as, well, kind of creepy to modern eyes, to constantly see children bound and gagged.

Of course, Billy and Mary and Freddy always managed to get the gag off in the nick of time...which probably says something about the knot-tying competence of the average criminal they faced.

Sometimes, though, the way they removed the gag was quite...well, freakin' painful. 

Billy has been--surprise--bound and gagged, and stuck inside a "time capsule" not to be opened until the year 5000!!

Billy, though, doesn't mind living with the pain it takes to get out:

OK, a concussion and severe head lacerations?

And now severe facial cuts. Geez, Billy, you might have been better off taking the time to chew through the gag...

The Marvel Family. Pain and bondage. Your move, Wonder Woman!

From Marvel Family #33 (1949)

Manic Monday Triple Overtime--If They Were Smart, They Wouldn't Be Crooks!!

It's the first appearance of Black Adam...and the Marvel Family can't take him down!!

Don't worry, folks--good old Uncle Dudley is on the job!

D'oh!!

You know, the word "blackguard" really needs to come back into vogue...

Villains--it's a good thing they're stupid.

From Marvel Family #1 (1945)

Why Aquaman Should Be Played By Paul Hogan (Or yahoo Serious?!?)!!

OK, my references are painfully out of date. I'm sure some amongst you can come up with younger, sexier Australian actors than Yahoo Serious.

Still, the point stands. Because Professor Togg has made a startling discovery in the outback:

What's so shocking? What requires the help of the Marvel Family?

OK, so he's a pretty crappy archeologist...

Well, a few millennia can't stop the Marvels!!

But what do they find?

Well, I guess you're OK in that regard, Aquaman!!

Hahaha, Atlantis a democracy!! Don't tell that to Aquaman or Namor!!

So, after many shenanigans...

And upon return to the present, the Marvels prove that all archeology is bullshit!

Australia was Atlantis!!!

So, really, if Arthur Curry doesn't speak with an Aussie accent in the new movies, you are completely justified in demanding a refund!!

From Marvel Family #39 (1949)