Marvel 2005 Week Postscript Bonus--Huh??

Ad from Amazing Spider-Man #524 (2005):

Ummm...OK, it's cool and all...but this has to do with shoes how, Nike??

Marvel 2005 Week Postscript--The Living Daylights

In 2005, Mike Deodato apparently decided that Tony Stark...




Looks just like Timothy Dalton.

Licence to kill, indeed....

All panels from Amazing Spider-man #524 (2005).

Marvel 2005 Week--Uncanny X-Men #461!!

As we wrap up Marvel 2005 Week, I've got a warning...you might not want to read this post. The contents have been known to shatter minds and cause great rolling waves of insanity.

Oh, you're tough? You think you can take it? Your funeral:

By heaven, I hate Mojo. I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate Mojo.

Seriously, I strongly dislike the character.

I hate characters who might (I said "might"--I'm not conceding anything here) have been decent as a one-off, but are brought back again and again and again (and AGAIN). I hate characters who are effectively omnipotent, who can do anything--literally anything, unconstrained by any laws or rules--yet never, ever win. I hate characters who are based on a one-note premise--hey, a demented TV executive!!--that are never, ever advanced one iota past that initial "elevator pitch."

You know what? Mojo is just Mxyzlptlk without the bowler hat...and written 28 times worse. Sigh...

Anyway, there is a mea culpa here. Even though I'm supposed to feature comics cover dated October 2005 this week, this one is August 2005. What happened? Well, this is as far as the GITCorp X-Men DVD-Rom goes...it was, I believe, the first of their Marvel collections, so it was published in late 2005, so this is where they stopped. Or, if you believe my theory, the process of scanning this comic caused whole cadres of GITCorp employees to lose their minds.

Anyway, if I did have access to the October 2005 issue of Uncanny X-Men, well, it would just be yet another House Of M tie-in, and frankly, who needs another one of those?

So, anyway, what's going on here?

Shudder....

Recap: Juggernaut and Nocturne have just escaped from the Mojoverse, but Spiral and Mojo followed, intent on capturing all of the X-Men for Mojo's entertainment network. That's the Danger Room they're in, by the way.

Our creators:

Before I sound like I'm giving Claremont too hard a time, please remember--he didn't invent Mojo. He did, however, invent this title for the story, so he deserves whatever scorn we heap on him:

So, of course, the X-Men attack, and of course, the omnipotent ones brush it aside without effort.

Why haven't they won yet??

All right, I'm giving you one last chance to turn away here. What happens next WILL destroy brain cells AND self-esteem:



And the results of the (groan) "Jean-bomb"?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

X-Babies.

I'm doing an X-Babies story.

I'm going to Hell for this.

By the way, this at at least the 4th time Mojo has played the X-Babies card (albeit the first time Claremont's been involved, I think). But hey, when you have a villain who can do literally anything, why not keep going to the same well over and over, instead of coming up with original ideas???

And again, Mr. Mojoptlk and crew have unlimited powers to distort reality, so why haven't they won already?

Sigh...

Of course, there is a good reason to turn them into babies:

OK, no superpowers. Except for the recently resurrected Psylocke...for reasons never explained, Spiral's spell had no effect on her. So, you deal with her in Looney Tunes fashion:

Really.

Anyway, the X-Babies are tykes not just in body, but in mind, as well:

Remember that, please.

Meanwhile, Mojo discovers that Betsy Braddock no longer has the bionic eyes (secret cameras) that he had given her several adventures ago, and he is ticked:

How does he propose to punish this??


Really, I'm not making this up. A team of "lawyers," based on a version of the Exiles, who just run around stupidly (without doing anything the least bit lawyerly, by the way). I mean, it's sort of brilliantly stupid, in a demented and not-actually-brilliant sort of way...

Cartoon hijinks ensue:

Oh, by the way...when Mojo told us that they were "too young for super-powers?"

He lied, because despite being "omniscient," he's apparently dumb.

Really, that's kind of sloppy storytelling when you have to do a retcon on your own premise just 7 pages later.

"The proportional power of a juggernaut"???? What does that even mean? If nothing can stop the full-size Juggernaut, does that mean some things can stop a tiny one?? What the heck is the "proportional power" of near-infinite??

Meanwhile, the all-powerful Mojo and Spiral just stand around watching and kvetching. Because with absolute power comes absolute stupidity.

Meanwhile, Baby Storm is trying to get to the control room so she can use the "command protocols" to do something or other. And of course, it's a Claremont story, so she's got to go through a confined space:

And there she encounters Baby Juggernaut, cowering and weeping because of a guilty conscience over some of the people he hurt as an adult. Hey, remember earlier, when all of the X-Babies thought and acted as children? Not so much anymore:

Just for the record, we get 2 entire pages of Oprah empowerment talk from two toddlers sitting in an air duct. TWO WHOLE PAGES.


You make the call:
A) Claremont lost the mission here, and forgot to write these as kids.
B) Since this is identical to any of 1,000 "adult" X-conversations over the years, Claremont has ALWAYS written the X-Men as if they were babies.

Tough call.

Anyway, Spiral stops Storm from getting to the controls:

Again, if she could do that, why not do it back at the beginning????

Fortunately, Storm's little pep talk launched Cain Marko back into action:

So yay, everybody wins...somehow. Regaining control of the Danger Room somehow magically depowers the infinitely powerful Mojo, and the day is saved. Somehow.

He can alter time and space to his whims, but being "chumped" by a big box stops him cold. Really.

Except, of course, the spell that made them babies. So Kitty Pryde tells Mojo to reverse that spell, or else:

Yup, all powerful demi-god, scared off by a smirking girl. Real tough villain.

Mojo offers Juggernaut a chance to remain young, and of course the schmuck says no...

...because suffering is part of what makes you good, says S&M master Claremont.

And the final panel?

That's it?? What?? The issue just stops?? Your story ends there??? Emma Frost is going to "make sure Mojo never bothers them again"?? How?? HOW?!?!?!

Well, perhaps it's better they never explained, since (SPOILER ALERT) he does bother them again.

Man, I'm sorry that you had to see that.

ELSEWHERE IN THE MARVEL UNIVERSE:

Speaking of X-Babies:

Because you can never run an idea into the ground fast enough...at least it's not Mojo this time.

Fact: I've never purchased an issue of Cable. I've never purchased an issue of Deadpool. I've never purchased an issue of Cable & Deadpool.

So I really don't have much else to say there.

Friday Night Fights--Iron Man #4 Style!!

Well, kids it's Friday Night Fights time, but I'm stuck in 2005 this week--namely, Marvel 2005 Week.

Which means I'm restricted to titles with an October 2005 cover date, because even the majesty of Friday Night Fights cannot interrupt on of my Marvel Weeks.

Which leaves us with this issue:

And our creators:

Long story short (or, rather short story really, really padded out to long, and then made short by me again): A racist militia punk has been given a stolen dose of the Extremis virus, and it's turned him into a "living bio-weapon." And he's kicking the crap out of Iron Man. Lets watch, shall we??





Yeah, that's all I got. Hey, it's the best fight from a limited set of choices. Sue me. Unless you're Spacebooger--he'd probably cream me in court.

More on Iron Man #4 (2005) after the "go vote" jump.

So, yeah, go vote. It'll make you feel better.

**Anyway, Extremis. After Avengers Disassembled, Marvel decided to do a soft reboot/relaunch on Iron Man. And they assigned it to Warren Ellis and Adi Granov. And it took FOREVER. Instead of Extremis, they probably should have called it Extremisly Slow.

This issue, number 4, was October 2005. #1 came out in January 2005. You do the math.

It got worse, as issue #5 didn't turn up until March 2006. The arc finally concluded in May, meaning it took 17 months to publish 6 issues. Not exactly the pace to set when you want to attract reader to your bold new update. Even worse, this wasn't a mini-series or a separate series--this was the main Iron Man title.

**As you may have noticed, Marvel made a huge deal recently about publishing Extremis as a motion comic. Now, I'm not a fan of motion comics--I just don't get the concept, frankly--but I appreciate the irony, because this arc, and this issue in particular, are among the most motionless every published.

This is the only work by Granov I've read, but it shares a flaw that I've noticed in many comics by artists who are more "painterly"--their work sure is purty, but they just don't demonstrate action or movement very well in the art. It's more like a series of still lifes, or random frames taken from a film. Example: the fight I reprinted above is from consecutive panels (except for the final panel). There's no "flow" to the action. (And, in fairness, I'll readily admit to being an artistic nincompoop, and sure, I've probably got bad taste. So what?)

The second reason I find the Motion Comic concept ironic here, is that this arc is particularly motionless. Entire issues are taken up by long conversations. Here, for one example, is a conversation between our racist bioweapon and a goth chick:





Wow, just imagine the excitement of that translated to motion...(but hey, at least Ellis took time off from having the lead characters constantly give portentous yet generic speeches presented as conversation...to having his villain and victim show us generic, portentous speechifying.)

**This was a soft reboot--we have Stark's origin updated to Afghanistan and al Qaeda, we meet some of the intellectual influences from his past who have never been mentioned before, we get extensive discourse about the role military research in Stark's empire as if he's never confronted these issues before.

But, it wasn't intended to do a Zero Hour, either (at least, I don't think so). Tony was still an Avenger, people referred to his fighting Fin Fang Foom, etc.

But despite the fact that in just the previous year Tony's identity had not only been publicly known but famously known, as he was U.S. Secretary of Defense, Ellis has everybody in this arc suddenly not know who Iron Man really is. People keep referring to "whoever the pilot is," renowned documentary makers who presumably did their homework have no idea that Stark is Iron Man...heck, here's an example:

And by Civil War, once again it's pretty clear that everyone has known for quite awhile. So...did everybody forget for awhile? Did Ellis forget? Or did he just not care?

If it was me, I'd blame the Scarlet Witch and quickly change the subject...

**Did I mention how motionless this comic was? At one point, Iron Man is powerless and trapped under a car...for 11 consecutive panels. 11. Here's just one:

Be grateful I didn't show you the other 10.

**Ellis does write Tony as still an incredible dickweed. An unstoppable living bio-weapon is headed for Washington, D.C. (why? We're never told, exactly, except "to turn back the clock"), and Tony is completely depowered. He know that undergoing the Extremis process will literally knock him out for 24-48 hours, during which time our perp will doubtless murder more innocent people.

And yet, he refuses to call for help, and he refuses to even call ahead and warn anyone:




Yes, Tony is willing to risk the lives of countless thousands, if not millions, just so he can send some ridiculous message--to whom, exactly?--that he's "the test pilot for the future."

Incredible. Bunghole.

**Just a pro-tip for our writers and editors: when you emblazon your cover with the fact that this is "Part 4 of 6," we can be pretty sure...

...that he's not dead. Really, really weak cliffhanger, is all I'm saying.

Then again, given that the next issue wouldn't be out for 5 months, maybe the real cliffhanger was whether the TITLE was dead...

ELSEWHERE IN THE MARVEL UNIVERSE:

Speaking of amazingly ridiculously impossibly late comics books:

As much as I ragged on Iron Man's Extremis arc for running a bit tardy, Daredevil: Father put it to shame. Written and drawn by Joe Quesada, inked by Danny Miki, issue one of what was advertised as a 5-issue mini-series debuted June 2004. Sixteen months later--16 months!!--#2 arrived in October 2005, and now it was a 6-issue series. So, in other words, in one and a quarter years it hadn't gotten any closer to the end!! (Obviously, part of that 16 months was spent analyzing exactly how many issues were needed, because why do that before you start?)

#3 & 4 actually followed relatively swiftly, each taking only a month to appear!! Problem solved, right?

Nope. #5 didn't show up until 13 months later, January 2007. #6 lurched across the finish line just a month later...so all-in-all, 32 months for 6 issues.

You ever wonder how, as editor-in-chief, Quesada can possibly nag people at Marvel about deadlines, when his work is consistently the most tardy and sloppiest by far? Or why he thought this was at all acceptable?? Rank hath its privileges, I guess...