Bizarro-Legion Tryouts!!

Is there anything better than try-outs for the Legion Of Super-Heroes?

Normally, no. Except when it's tryouts for the Bizarro Legion Of Super-Heroes!!

The "real" Legion has unwisely rejected Bizarro Superboy for membership, so he's decided to form his own group!

Wait...you can make "imperfect duplicates" just by pointing the ray at a picture? Ah, well, 30th century technology, I guess!!

Well, first things first--these new guys have got to prove their worth...urr, disprove their worth? Prove their lack of worth? Bizarro speak is so confusing...

First up:

That made me laugh more than anything has in a long time.

Bonus: that sure looks like Computo, and now I want to see a Bizarro-Computo story.

Next:

Again, hilarious! Jerry Siegel, you were on fire this issue!!

Next:

A hyena with a Bizarro face is the bestest thing ever.

Finally?

And so...

And of course, the Bizarro-Legion Constitution!!

They don't write 'em like this anymore...

From Adventure Comics #329 (1965)

Spoiler Saturday--That's Not Our Saturn Girl!

WARNING: This contains spoilers for last week's Doomsday Clock #5, so if you haven't read it yet (and plan to), well, come back to this rant another day. It will still be here.

SPOILERS commence after 5 harmless pictures...

Still with us? OK, commencing rant...

Look, you all know how displeased I am that DC is continuing to do nothing with the Legion Of Super-Heroes.

Perhaps the most frustrating part is, they have people wanting to do something with the Legion, but no one is allowed to. There are even rumors that a certain big-name writer was willing to sign an exclusive with DC if he could do a Legion book, but he was told, "no."

Why? Well, again, according to rumor, no one at DC is allowed to use the Legion, or the Justice Society, until Geoff Johns has finished Doomsday Clock. Because his Watchmen/DC Universe crossover is going to have such mindbogglingly important impacts on those franchises, that anything done between now and then would just have to rebooted, apparently.

It's a pretty massive bit of ego and chutzpah, frankly. Especially as Doomsday Clock #5 just came out last week, which means there are 7 more bi-monthly issues left (with more delays not unlikely), so it will be over a year until the series finishes.

Still, this means Johns must have big, exciting plans for the Legion, right? Well, now, it's kind of hard to tell. Saturn Girl has been locked in present-day Arkham Asylum for 2 years now, since Rebirth #1. I mean, that's literally it. Once a year or so, we've gotten a panel or two reprising that concept, with zero advancement of the "plot," and zero on any other Legionnaires. Ditto for the Justice Society, where Rebirth #1 had Johnny Thunder in a retirement home raving about "the lightning," and not much since.

Well, finally, last week we got some progress. In Doomsday Clock #5, 102 year old Johnny Thunder has slipped away from the retirement home to search for something, when he's set upon by a group of druggie droogs looking for a score.

But don't worry, nu-Rorschach and Saturn Girl have escaped Arkham, and they are there to rescue him--and to dole out a little of the old ultra-v:

Brutal.

But let's look at Saturn Girl again:

Really? That's Saturn Girl, Imra Ardeen? For the 30th/31st century? From The Legion Of Super-Heroes? Who just looks on completely nonplussed as nu-Rorschach maims and/or kills these guys? (And the fact that she says they would have died anyway so "everything evens out" sure as hell implies that nu-Rorschach is indeed straight-up killing them!)

And wait a minute...how did she know all of them were going to overdose that night? Is Johns confusing her with Dream Girl, giving her prophecy powers? Or are we to believe that, because she's from a future (reminder: according to the nu52, the Legion isn't even from Earth-Prime's future!!), she somehow knows the fate of billions of people? She bothered to look up and memorize how every two-bit mugger and drug addict will die?

So this is Geoff Johns' conception of Saturn Girl: content to watch blasély as her ally beats several men to death in front of her?

At least Johnny Thunder had the sensibility to be shocked by the violence.

Look, the story's not over yet (for quite awhile). And we haven't gotten anything resembling actual story or plot advancement yet. So, maybe it will turn out that it's not really Saturn Girl. Or that being trapped in the past has driven her a bit bonkers, so she's not herself. Or, it's all Doc Manhattan's fault. Or something.

But this is also Geoff Johns, who had Superboy-Prime behead Pantha, who turned the Superman of Earth-2 into a villain for Infinite Crisis, who decided that Barry Allen couldn't be a hero unless his mother was murdered. And you've seen above, where one of the founders of the Legion has become, it seems, a sociopathic monster. This is the guy we're going to trust to establish the new status quo with the Legion?

Please, DC. Please, whomever eventually replaces Diane Nelson. Release the Legion. Geoff Johns is not the man who should be re-establishing the hopeful, optimistic future of the DC Universe.

Thus endeth the rant.

DC--Use Them Or Lose Them!

As you no doubt ignored last week, I opined about Marvel wasting all of the Malibu and Crossgen characters that they owned but refused to do anything with.

Well, this week it's DC's turn.

Except the intellectual properties DC refuses to do anything with are their very own.

DC controls the vastest, deepest, and honestly most interesting collections of heroes ever assembled. Yet to get them to publish anything besides Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman seems a Sisyphean task.

It's now almost two years since Rebirth, and after all of the the shirt-rending (by the people in charge) about how someone (other than themselves) had forgotten all about legacy and DC's deep history, there's still no Legion Of Super-Heroes book. There's still no Justice Society book.

Heroes who have been mainstays of DC for nearly 80 years, and 60 years, languish in limbo. Hell, we just passed the 60th anniversary of the Legion's first appearance without a single commemoration from DC!

Yes, we were sorta kinda promised that these guys would be brought back by the storytelling magic of Rebirth. But it's all been a terrible, terrible tease.

In the two years after Rebirth, we've had, what, 3 panels in various comics suggesting that Saturn Girl is hiding in Arkham? We've had, what, 2 pages of apparently-senile Johnny Thunder rambling about not finding the lightning? That's it, over two years.

Now, if you believe the rumors (unconfirmed, but undenied), than DC wanted to sign a big-name writer, who wanted to do the Legion. But then they were told (allegedly) that no one could touch the Legion, or the JSA, until Geoff Johns was done with Doomsday Clock, the ludicrous and pointless DC/Watchmen crossover. And, as of this writing, there are still 8 bi-monthly issues of Doomsday Clock left to publish, well, we're not going to see Legion or JSA any time soon.

It's the height of stupidity, whatever the reason. The DC TV shows can bring in the JSA and the Legion...but the comics can't? Seriously, that's one of the more ridiculous situations in comics. It's even more ridiculous than Marvel's refusal to print a Fantastic Four comic because of some fit of pique.

DC's not in danger of losing the trademarks, as Marvel is with Malibu/Crossgen, because they continue to publish trades/omnibuses. That would seem to indicate some sort of public demand, right? But no comics, no new stories for the fans.

Meanwhile...

...don't get me started on DC's continued neglect of the Marvel Family...

How Brainiac-5 "Invented" The Time Bubble!!

Look, you didn't really believe that the Legion of Super-Heroes' Brainiac-5 invented the Legion's "time bubble" all by himself, did you?

Nope! Today our special investigative report reveals the startling truth!!

Our tale begins in Kid Eternity #2 (1946), when Kid Eternity confronts criminal Dr. Marko, working on his latest invention:

TIME "GLOBE"!!

Gee, this all seems familiar to me...

After the Kid thwarts the evil scientist's plans...

"THE FAR FUTURE"!!!!

Say, about 1,000 years in the future?!?!

Say, the 30th or 31st century?!?

Where a certain green-skinned scientist "knows how to use its vast powers"?!?!?!

Now, of course Brainy would never admit that a fully functional time machine just appeared on his doorstep one day, and he merely claimed credit for it. Especially since the "Time Bubble" was invented by a mere 20th century human--and a criminal, at that. And double especially since it was sent to the future by a supernatural being from the afterlife.

Of course, if he were being rational, Brainy would realize that it was impossibly coincidental that a time machine identical to the one he "invented" just happened to be thrown into the far future and never turned up anywhere else.

Case closed.

All of which goes to further my case that Kid Eternity should join the Legion Of Super-Heroes...

Tales From The Quarter Bin--Cosmic Boy As Romance Comic Advice Columnist?!?

There's nothing surprising about romance comics having advice columns. Many of them did, back in the day.

Hell, I like to imagine Jack Kirby chomping on a cigar as he answered desperate letters from love-sick teens, advising them on their love lives, or giving hair-care tips.

But there was something special about Charlton romance comics in the mid-70s:

Buck Mason--no relation to the clothing store, as far as I know--had an advice column in many of Charlton's romance comics, starting in 1975, and continuing through 1980.

Of course, it is the 70s--and this particular comic, I Love You #119, is from 1976, one of the most 70s years of the 1970s. so of course, you can't have an advice column without a trippy logo.

So, Buck Mason presents:

Buck's Bag!!

Now in all likelihood, "Buck Mason" was just a pseudonym for one of the editors, or whichever intern was being punished that month.

But what if...Buck Mason were a real person?

OMG.

Look, I'm 99.999999% certain that the editor was loathe to runs two full pages of text, so they just re-purposed some Enrique Nieto art from another story to use.

But what if...what if that's the real Buck Mason?!?

I would totally take advice from that guy! Just look at the woman on his arm! See the way everybody is gazing at him with adoration! Dig those clothes!! Every woman loves him. Every man wants to be him!!

So, despite what is surely a most mundane reality, I choose to believe that there really was a Buck Mason, and he and his girl were probably members of the Mike Grell-era Legion Of Super-Heroes who came back to our time to set history right, by giving love advice to certain teenagers, making sure certain relationships did (or didn't) happen, in order to protect the future from Darkseid. (That might be the best story idea I've ever had, which is why I'm not allowed to write comics)

Buck Mason, ladies and gentlemen.

Buck Freakin' Mason.

Maybe They'll Fly Around In A Terrificar?!?!

If you do something stupid long enough, eventually the competition is going to troll the living hell out of you.

I've complained about it enough enough here, so you know that, in a fit of pique over Fox continuing to make Fantastic Four movies, Marvel CEO Ike Perlmutter demanded the cancellation of the Fantastic Four comic, and their removal from all merchandising. Man, I bet that's really hurting Fox, Ike.

Anyhoo, it's now been over two years since Marvel has published an FF comic. TWO YEARS.

And now DC has purposely tweaked the House Of Ideas. Yesterday, at SDCC, they announced a new team:

Jeff Lemire, having just finished his exclusive deal with Marvel, is back at DC, and writing a team named The Terrifics. Consisting of Mr. Terrific, Plastic Man, Metamorpho and Phantom Girl. Or, as that Newsarama article linked to above said, "That's right: a scientist, a stretching man, a brute with physical disfiguation, and a woman who can become intangible."

No, that's not an accident, as Lemire said his goal is "recapture the feeling of Stan Lee and Jack Kirby's Fantastic Four."

Others have noticed the similarities to the FF, too, as news/satire site The Outhousers noted: "a team with a smart guy, a stretchy guy, a guy who may look monstrous to some, a girl who can become intangible, and a jokester sounds a little like a fantastic family book, that might not be a coincidence."

So congratulations, DC, on some exceleent master-level trolling. And thank you.

Of course, the downside is that this news maybe implies that DC's "plans" for the Legion Of Super-Heroes are still on the back-back-burner of Geoff Johns' mind--if Phantom Girl is here on a 21st century teams, she's not on the famous 31st century team. It's not necessarily disruptive--Legionnaires have been lost in time before, and the main team continued (and, of course, it could always be a different character named Phantom Girl...).. But given that in the 14 months of Rebirth, the "Saturn Girl is in Arkham" sub-sub-sub plot hasn't advanced one iota, it's pretty clear that nothing substantive (other than one-shot crossovers with Bugs Bunny or Batman '66) will be happening anytime soon.

So--thank you, DC, for poking Marvel in the eye with a sharp stick. They needed it. And frak you, DC, for apparently continuing the shelving of the Legion.

Accept This Substitute!!

Not too long ago, I opined that if DC was going to continue to piddle around in bringing back the Legion Of Super-Heroes, Marvel should give a lot more prominence to the Imperial Guard, just to tweak their publishing rivals.

Well, someone was listening.

(No, of course I don't think Jeff Lemire, or anyone at Marvel, reads this cow-town puppet show of a blog. Allow me my fleeting moment of reflected glory, however unearned.)

In this week's Thanos #3, guess who gets to fight the Mad Titan? And guess who gets to be described an awful lot like the Legion?

Hells yes.

And like the LSH...

MANY. MANY. MEMBERS.

And, yeah, just like the Legion beat Darkseid, the Imperial Guard takes out Thanos:

Granted, Thanos is ill, but still...

So go ahead, DC. Continue to drop hints and clues that go nowhere in plot lines that develop at a glacial pace. Hell, we're approaching a year into Rebirth, and DC still hasn't gotten around to actually explaining or clarifying anything yet--so at this pace any Legion revival is at least a year off, if it's not just a big tease to begin with.

In the meantime, Long Live The Imperial Guard!!

A Modest Proposal: Long Live...The Titans?

Look, it's such an easy solution, I'm amazed that I never thought of it earlier.

DC's curse, all along, has been near-instant buyer's remorse each time they do some reboot/relaunch. And nowhere has that been more evident with the Legion Of Super-Heroes.

With the post-Crisis reboot, John Byrne had insisted that there had never been a Superboy. Well, that mucked up Legion history a bit, as the Legion was famously "inspired by Superboy" to become a team of teenage superheroes.

There were easy ways to deal with this, of course. Ignore it. Use the old "all records of this era were lost" trope along with the "Crisis left our memories fuzzy" excuse (which works well enough for the Rebirth nonsense). Find a convenient substitute to inspire the Legion and/or participate in their earlier adventures if you need to (Mon-El, Dev-Em, etc).

See? It's not that hard!!

But no, someone decided that they just had to have Superboy back in the Legion history, because that cover of Adventure #247 was just too damn iconic or something. So just 7 issues into Byrne's run, Superboy was back--only now he had been from a "pocket universe" all along (not an alternate universe, which had clearly been banned by Crisis!), and that young Kal-El been a pawn of the Time Trapper all along, so he could make the Legion strong enough to thwart Mordru, so he could take over time himself later.

Of course, this meant that, essentially, the Legion had been "inspired" and founded by a villain--but that's not important, as long as we have a Superboy back!! All our old Legion stories can be read exactly the same as they had been!! Yay, for immediate and reactionary retcons!!

Oh, and it ended up not mattering after all, because a few years later they rebooted the Legion so there was again no Superboy in their history...and then a few more years later they did it AGAIN!! Bless you, DC! (Seriously, when are we going to get one of those "Marvel The Untold Story" books for DC?!? I'd pay big money for just a chapter on "What the hell was going on behind the scenes with the constant jerking back and forth on Superboy/Legion...")

And now that there is a Superboy again in the Rebirth thingie, and DC continues to pretend that they're serious about bringing the Legion back, well, we can go right back to the way things used to be--young Jon and his (still untold) adventures will turn out to have inspired the creation of the Legion...which is why they start every meeting by burning a house pet to death...

But there was then, and still is now, a better option--why can't they just decide that the Legion Of Super-Heroes was inspired by the Teen Titans?

It almost makes more sense, doesn't it? At the time of crisis, they were both "Baxter" series, so they were in the same comics ecosystem, as it were. The Titans were a team of super-powered teenagers, not just one guy, so in many ways they could make a better inspiration for the multi-powered, multi-planetary Legion. And, of course, the Titans still existed in continuity, so no one would have to go through redonkulous continuity convolutions to make old stories "work."

As a special bonus, since many incarnations of the Teen Titans have them fighting or rebelling against their elder heroes, that would make them an especially keen inspiration for the Threeboot Legion.

That would also solve the difficulties of Superboy being so over-powered compared to the rest of the Legion. Because let's face it, like the Justice League animated series with Superman, Superboy was just in Legion fights to get knocked out early by kryptonite/magic/Darkseid so the reader would realize how tough the bad guy was while the rest of the team rallied to beat him.

There was a reason that Superboy was initially severed from the Legion, pre-Crisis: having young Kal-El and Mon-El and Ultra Boy (and sometimes Supergirl) around at the same time was just too top-heavy, power-wise. That is a problem you wouldn't have if you decided to have the Titans, singly or en masse, take the occasional jaunt to the 30th (31st...) century.

I just don't see the point of frequently rebooting, if all you're going to do is go straight back to the old way...especially when there's was a perfectly good way to take things in a slightly different direction with some of the marvelous toys in your near-infinite toy box. Like the Titans...

Still, I should probably consider myself lucky. Somewhere, in the back on Dan DiDio's mind, is a version of the Legion inspired by Superboy-Prime...