Superman--Straight Up Playa!!

Poor Lana and Lois...

...you never had a chance, did you?

BTW, in case you think it's weird that so many humans would have a double in Kandor, what with the Kryptonians being an alien species and all, well...

See, apparently the Kandorians are plotting to take over Metropolis once they're enlarged!!

BTW...Sylvia?!? Everyone else has a nice, standard, hyphenated Kryptonian name...and then there's Sylvia! What gives?

From Lois Lane #78 (1967)

Manic Monday--Smallville--Tourist Trap!!

Last week we were discussing some of the difference between Earth-1 and Earth-2.

In that story, set on 1950s Earth-2, Clark Kent and Lana Lang met for the first time--as adults!!

How is that possible?

Oh?

You see...

Well, that makes sense, doesn't it? On Earth-1, once Superboy debuted (and probably once tales of Superbaby began to spread), Smallville no doubt became a tourist destination, a regular spot for the media to visit, a vacation spot for aliens time traveling teenagers and super-villains and...Of course the small town would boom--boom enough to make it feasible for farmers to give up their farm and open up a general store.

However, Lana's story doesn't make sense. Professor Lang of Earth-2 moved to Smallville before Lana was born. But on Earth-1, Lana and Clark were roughly the same age, and any Superboy related boom wouldn't have begun until years after Lana was born. So Smallville-1 would have still been "such a little town" at the same point in Professor Lang's life!! Why did Lang-2 leave Smallville while Lang-1 stayed?!?!?

I like to think that the Professor Lang of Earth-2 killed a man in Smallville--just to watch him die--and left before the law caught up with him...

From Superman Family #203 (1980)

Lana Lang Invents The Internet Comment Forum!!

On Earth-2, Lana Lang has come to The Daily Star looking for a job as...

[Reminder--the Mr & Mrs. Superman series was set in the 1950s...]

Well, that's innovative!

And so...

Gee, I dunno...it still seems better than The Big Bang Theory.

But it's enough for Lana to bring out the poison pen:

Oh, Lana...

So of course, the writer tries to kill Lana with a device he bought from Luthor.

Hey, being a critic can be a tough job in a universe with super-villains!!

From Superman Family #203 (1980)

Manic Monday--Vartox's Words Of Love!!

Aliens have the best way with the language of romance...

I urge you to try this tonight with...Hey!! Wait a minute!!

That sure doesn't sound like Vartox!

See, it is Vartox's body...but he's possessed by an alien parasite!! Which means he casts a different shadow, because....

Never worry!! DC Science is here to save the day!

See, when you're possessed by a single cell of alien RNA, then, well, of course you wouldn't cast your own shadow anymore, but the alien's shadow, because...um...err...

I'll get back to you on this one...

From Superman #392 (1984)

Clark Kent, The Sam Walton of Smallville!!

You all remember, right?

How Superboy just completely vanished when he was 16?

And 13 years later it was still a mystery?!?

Well, we have a few answers for you, as Clark Kent wakes up one morning...

[Editor's note--va va voom, Lana!!]

So, long story short: 13 years ago, 16 year old Superboy had yet another smackdown with Lex Luthor. Superboy beat him down, but a) Lex's device somehow took away Kal-El's powers, and b) put Kal-El into a coma for ten (10!!) years!!

He woke up, and married Lana. Never went to Metropolis, never met Lois, never became Superman...

Oh, yeah, and:

They had a kid!! And despite being "awake" for only 3 years, they have a two year old kid!! Way to get busy quickly, Clark!!

But wait--in this imaginary story, what does Clark do for a living?

That's right--while Pa Kent served in the state legislature, Clark (somehow) turned a tiny Smallville general store into a nationwide grocery chain with hundreds of stores--in just 3 years!!

The new store in California is pretty swanky...

Clark Kent--Super-Capitalist!!

Ah, but he's been having dreams of being super again. So...

(I think someone was reading this when they planned "Truth"...)

So, he manages to give himself early-Golden Age level powers: leaping high while not flying, strong but not crazy-planet-moving strong, etc.

And so goes The Adventures Of Lana And Clark!!

From Superman #404 (1985)

Manic Monday Triple Overtime--Superman's Silver Age Menage A Trois!

Superman takes Lois Lane and Lana Lang to get the scoop of the century:

Fox Mulder was right!!! There are aliens among us!! Ahhhh!!

You'd think that would be the big story. But Lois and Lana just go around taking pictures of trinkets (probably because they know Perry White would never print the story of aliens on Earth).

Well, the ladies pay no heed to the warning...

You have to admit, that's pretty cool...

Well, the intrepid reporters are completely unable to reason about cause and effect given the two examples that happened right in front of their eyes, so it's time to get even more foolish:

Whatever will Kal-El think?

Well, instead of screaming in terror, Superman does what any normal male would do in these circumstances:

Oh, Superman...

Living the dream, Kal-El...living the dream...you get both the women you love, without having to make up your mind!

But...

Well, the curator knows that effects of the merger are only temporary...soon they'll split apart, and one of them will die! But Superman Silver Ages it and saves them both, but as a result they both forget it ever happened!

Silver Age, won't you!

From Lois Lane #41 (1963) as reprinted in Lois Lane #113 (1971)