Manic Monday Triple Overtime--Romance Heroines, Face The Camera!

If you've read enough Joe Simon and Jack Kirby romance comics--and by god, if you haven't, than get reading!!--you've no doubt noticed that they had an unusual introductory motif:

Not in every story. mind you. But in many, many of them...

In the splash panel, our heroine would describe her problem directly to the readers...

 

...ending in giving us the title of the story in big-assed font:

Let's look at some more...

(That's not as creepy as it seems...he was an adult trying to get some education to improve himself...)

No, your sacrifice was your fashion sense, apparently!


No, which of these was the worse problem...loving a woman-hater...

...or loving a mama's boy?

This one is like Kirby and Simon were spying on my love life:

Here's an interesting case...

While most romance stories have us assume that all problems are permanently solved with the last 4 panels of self-realization and revelation, in Toni Benson's case, Kirby and Simon decided that she and her beau weren't out of the woods yet, and published an actual sequel story!

This doesn't exactly fit the motif, but I couldn't resist...

From Young Romance: The Best Of Simon & Kirby's Romance Comics (2012)

"Chicks Are All The Same!"

There's one thing you've got to say about a Simon & Kirby romance comic--the story frequently doesn't go the way you think it's going to!

Let's start with Mary, working at her father's diner when Trouble (with a capital T) wanders in...

Well, Tommy's about to do some crime...

Now, you've read this story a hundred times, right?

Tommy is going to reform, and get together with Mary, right?

Especially when Mary's "steady," Andy, is such a stuffed shirt!

Yeah, Andy is toast, right? Mary's going to go for reformed bad boy over unsympathetic and boring jerk, right?

"Yes, I suppose you might say that!" There's a relationship that's going to last!

Yup, turning up the asshole quotient ain't gonna work, Andy...

And Tommy clinches the deal, right...?

WRONG!!

"As my own sister"?!?!?!

"Chicks are all the same! They've just got to know their man will fight for them!"?????

Oh, man, that's a sucky result. Tommy's reward for reforming...is to be her "brother"?!? And Andy is rewarded for being possessive and violent?

And the title and opening caption said that each boy "wanted to be the...LADY'S CHOICE." But Tommy didn't want to, and she didn't want to choose him, and.....

Oh, man, this one is going to hurt my head all day...Romance comics, man.

From Young Romance #85 (1956), as reprinted in Young Romance: The Best Of Simon And Kirby's Romance Comics (2012)

Tales From The Quarter Bin--That Weird Simon/Kirby Shield Reboot!

In the late 50s, Archie Comics asked Joe Simon's studio to recreate/relaunch the good old MLJ heroes, to catch some of the DC Silver Age zeitgeist that was out there.

Which is where this came from:

Note that he's not actually refereed to as The Shield on the cover, and only so sparingly on the innards of the book:

This guy was completely divorced from the origin identity of the original Shield. See, snoopy scientists are investigating some weird stories they'd heard about fellow scientist Malcom Fleming...

Well, they threaten to have the boy taken away, and at the same time the less-squeamish commies plan to kidnap Roger for themselves. Stuff happens, there's a car crash in the mountains, and everyone dies except Roger...who's found by a hillbilly couple:

Thank God her name is Martha, in case he ever has to fight Batman!!

So, Roger Fleming gets raised as Lancelot Strong (!!), and just about at the point his powers emerge, he's drafted!! And so, for two issues, we get the adventures of a super-powered Gomer Pyle!!

As I said, weird stuff, man.

From The Double Life Of Private Strong #1 (1959), as reprinted in Blue Ribbon Comics #5 (1984)

How To Make The Greatest Cover You've Never Seen--

Take one splash panel from a pretty forgettable story, drawn by Jack Kirby and inked by Al Williamson...

Run it through the presto-change-o-matic...

...and voila! Instant classic cover!!

GCD suggests that the "alterations" between panel and cover were "likely by Joe Simon."

Race for The Moon #2 is from 1958.