The Second Worst Comic Book Of All Time!

Of course, the worst comic of all time is Civil War: Frontline, by a large margin:

But that's not all! Everyone forgets that, in the back half of the issue, our intrepid reporters literally applaud Tony Stark for mind-controlling Norman Osborn into attacking the Atlantean ambassador in order to ramp up a threat of a war to convince heroes to register. No, that really happened.

But there's another abominable comic I stumbled across in the Quarter Bin the other day, and man, it's even worse than I remembered:

SPOILER ALERT: The Flash doesn't run in this story. And The Blackhawks don't fly. You never even see their planes.

So what does happen? Barry Allen is helping a scientist with a goofy experiment, and accidentally ends up thrown back in time to...

 Wait wait wait...

Now, since the Germans occupied Belgium from May 1940 till February 1945, it's hard to understand how Barry comes up with Germans in Belgium automatically equals The Battle Of The Bulge.

Well, it turns out that it actually is the Battle Of The Bulge. I suppose we could assume that Barry is lousy at history but got lucky. Or that JMS used a really lazy storytelling shortcut.

Oh, and Barry broke his leg in the accident, so he can't run super-fast (but conveniently, he can walk...?):

 Fortunately, he can still do super-speed stuff with his hands:

 This eventually leads to a meeting with...

It turns out the Blackhawks were on leave when the massive German counter-offensive left them stuck behind enemy lines. And after several pages of Blackhawk being a dickweed, he takes Barry to their temporary base...

 ...just in time to face a Nazi platoon!

 But Barry has a better idea than guns!

Now, this is the part where Blackhawk thanks Barry for ending the battle quickly, and saving ammo, and probably their lives, right? Right?

Really.

Really. 

Really.

You can't incapacitate the enemy. You have to kill them, or you're a coward. (Leave aside the fact that bricks hurled at that speed may well have killed some of the Germans...) (Also leave aside that the story never establishes what was done with the incapacitated Germans. Did Blackhawk go out and execute them while they were unconscious?)

I imagine that if Superman had shown up and knocked out the Nazis with super-breath or something, Blackhawk would tear him a new one, as well. Super-heroes are all pussies!!

By way of contrast, though, how about normal soldiers? Like in Sgt. Fury #3 (1963)?

They take out a whole Nazi platoon. And instead of killing them, they capture them, and send them off to be questioned. And the prisoners get to ride in a truck while the Howlers walked back!! So according to JMS, Fury and company must all be cowards!!

Now, DC promoted JMS's run on Brave And The Bold pretty heavily. "If you love these Silver Age characters, JMS will remind you why you do!"

So how does Silver Age Barry Allen deal with his dilemma? When they come across some dead Americans...

...he takes the uniform and weapons off a dead soldiers body and proceeds to spends "weeks" killing people with guns and not using his super-powers.

Yay, Silver Age...?

Look, if you want to do a story about how great the "Greatest Generation" was, more power to you. If you want to tell us how heroic soldiers are, I'm down with that (although the "soldiers' only job is to kill" seems to belie that theme just a tiny bit). And if you want to make the point that super-heroes don't belong in war stories because their presence somehow ruins the realism and makes light of the heroism and sacrifices of normal joes, I hear you--and Roy Thomas took care of that decades ago, by using the Spear of Destiny to keep super-powered beings out of Axis territory during the war (which apparently JMS never bothered to look up...)

You also could have had Barry lose all of his powers (or chosen a non-powered hero...Batman? Blue Beetle?), so the choice wasn't "using a gun vs. using still pretty damn effective super-powers."

But no, they had t5 tell that story at the expense of humiliating super-heroes. By taking Barry Freaking Allen, who thinks his way around bank robbers using super-speed and science, and making him feel ashamed for using his powers, even when those powers were demonstrably more effective than anything the soldiers were doing!?! Is it necessary to denigrate super-hero comics in order to build up war comics? Did JMS seriously believe that the only way we could properly appreciate WWII soldiers and celebrate the anniversary of the Battle Of The Bulge was to make super-heroes believe they were cowards for not ditching their powers?

So a story, where the Flash doesn't run and the Blackhawks don't fly, that trashes super-heroes as cowards unless they pick up a gun and start killing as much as they can? Yeah, that's a terrible, terrible comic book.

Then again, this story was nominated for an Eisner award, so I probably don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

Manic Monday Bonus--Radioactive Lobster, Or Lobster God--YOU Decide!!

Mary Jane's in Hollywood, on the set of the new film she's been cast in--LOBSTER MAN!!

Unfortunately, the producer and the writer are having a little bit of a tiff over what the suits want to do with Lobster Man's origin...

Hmmm...

It sounds like JMS is taking the writer's side here, as the "this doesn't happen in real life" is pretty clearly answered by Spider-Man's existence.

But given that he co-authored "The Other" storyline a few years down the line, which had Peter's existence/powers being under the control of a "spider deity," well, this looks more like JMS was on the producer's side, and this was just a trial balloon...

From Amazing Spider-Man #45 (a.k.a. #486) (2002)

Self-Awareness Saturday--Grounded, The Rebuttal

Paul Cornell's two-panel reply to the concept of the Grounded storyline:


Really, couldn't someone hold told that to JMS a year ago?

From Action Comics #904.

I-AM-CRISWELL

Last November, reacting to statements from Marvel and JMS that The Twelve was "almost done," I boldly made this statement:

"I call dibs on February 2012 in the "When will The Twelve #9 actually show up" pool..."

So what does Marvel announce at SDCC? "The Twelve #9 is coming in February 2012."

What do I win?

Two things to note: A) At nearly 3 1/2 years between issues, this breaks the record established by Ultimate Wolverine Vs. Hulk #2-3 and Planetary #26-27. Congratulations to all involved!!

B) It's JMS, so matter what they say, don't count on it meeting that ship date...

The Easiest Question Of The Day

A new Marvel teaser promo has popped up, daring to ask the question...

Well, duh...that's pretty easy to answer:

"The Mystery Men are Marvel's admission that JMS screwed them pretty hard on The Twelve but they still want to use free Golden Age characters, so they're trying again, with hopefully more reliable results."

Also acceptable would be "The Mystery Men project would sure seem to imply that Tom Brevoort was...overly optimistic...when he tweeted that JMS would be finishing The Twelve any time soon."

Hey, Marvel, if you're really desperate for public domain intellectual properties to exploit, I've got a few for you...

For a more serious discussion of The Mystery Men, and who they might be, and who might be doing the book, check out this article...

Manic Monday Bonus--Ask Edna Mode

It's been awhile since we've checked in with a classic Bob Rozakis "Ask The Answer Man" column. So let's set the wayback machine to August 1980...

Yeah, Wonder Woman's costume was indestructible...until JMS got his easily-bored hands on it!!

Ah, I love the smell of cheap shots in the morning...

Vladimir And Estragon Work For Marvel

Tom Brevoort tweeted yesterday:

For those who've been asking, yes, JMS is finishing The Twelve. #9 & 10 are done, and Chris is waiting on script from JMS this week.

A) "Waiting on a script from JMS" is the comics version of Waiting For Godot. Surely the script will arrive tomorrow...

B) So, JMS was unable to keep up on Superman and Wonder Woman, but he'll be sending Marvel scripts "this week?" I'm sure DC is very happy about that...

C) I call dibs on February 2012 in the "When will The Twelve #9 actually show up" pool...

Left At The Altar (Again And Again And Again...)

Well, that didn't take nearly as long as I thought it would.

JMS is stepping down from writing Superman and Wonder Woman "to focus on writing a sequel to the recently released original graphic novel Superman: Earth One."

Even as critical as I've been of him, I expected JMS to have a longer term at the helm of those books. But, alas, it was not to be.

So, JMS' last issue of Superman will be #706. Which means A) Given that issue #704 was a fill-in, he leaves after completing only 5 issues of his projected 12-issue story; and B) DC's January solicit for issue #707 is, well, wrong. Adjust your orders accordingly.

As for Wonder Woman? Well, after the much-ballyhooed "reboot," JMS will have completed 4 issues (#604 is his last). 4 out of projected 12 issues? Wow, what a coup, DC.

After abandoning Supreme and The Twelve mid-storyline at Marvel, JMS has now bailed on two of DC's highest profile titles, and storylines which DC has spent a considerable amount of time, effort and money promoting (and I wouldn't count on his Adam Strange story showing up in Brave & The Bold anytime soon. Sorry, Lissbirds!) You would think a guy who came originally from television and movies would have some sense of responsibility about finishing a project. But then again, like many celebrity comic writers, Marvel and DC bend over backwards to praise him to the skies while he quietly shafts them and their fans.

Maybe, though, someone is finally wising up to his act. According to Newsarama article, "Straczynski won't be working on monthly comics for the foreseeable future. The writer is quoted in the publisher's statement as saying this news coincides with a 'one- to five-year sabbatical from writing monthlies' for him."

What a firm commitment, JMS. "One to five years?" Still, at least someone has realized that JMS has no business writing monthly comic books.

I don't know how much longer we'll be stuck with Broody Superman's Walkabout--new writer Chris Roberson will be using JMS' "story notes" (as will new WW scribe Phil Hester). (Please notice that--"story notes," not even completed plots, for issues scheduled to appear this month!!) But at least they'll undoubtedly be better written, and they'll be scripted by writers who have shown the responsibility to write on a monthly schedule.

UPDATE: I love the spin some sites are putting on this, claiming that JMS bailing on yet more projects is actually a sign that original graphic novels are the future of the comics industry, and that "pamphlet's" are dying.

Said death, of course, having absolutely nothing to do with JMS' complete and utter inability to actually complete said pamphlets on anything remotely resembling a monthly basis. Nope, this had nothing to do with DC putting a pretty face on canning JMS because his inability to meet deadlines was humiliating to DC and their attempts at big PR. And had nothing to do with the hugely negative critical reception the books were getting.

Nope, it was "the evolving nature of comics." Uh-huh.

Marvel 2005 Week--Amazing Spider-Man #523!!

So what, exactly, do you do between two widely-disliked story arcs?

A wall-to-wall action issue, that's what:

(And apparently, you also run a series of ridiculously generic covers. In 2005, the editorial mandate seemed to be, "Draw generic covers for every issue of Spider-Man, with no relation to what was going on inside")

Shortly after the much-reviled Sins Past, and immediately before the head-scratching The Other, JMS gave us several issues on Spider-Man's new life as an Avenger: hunting Hydra, moving into Avengers tower, Aunt May and Jarvis--ahem--growing "closer," yada yada. (Hey, wait a minute...so Aunt May was getting it on with a Skrull?!?!?!?!?!?) Which, for the most part, were pretty good stories.

By the way, I've never had as big a problem with Spider-Man being an Avenger as some (at least in concept). Marvel had already invested nearly 200 issues in various mags to the concept that Spider-Man teaming up with other heroes was cool, so really, was this that different?

In this issue, Spidey has infiltrated a secret Hydra base, and discovered that they're about to launch a SCUD missile filled with anthrax AND plague germs into the Ogallala aquifer (which JMS constantly misspells--shh!), rendering the middle of the U.S. pretty uninhabitable. Two types or virulent germs--because Hydra never does anything half-assed!!

Sadly, Peter Parker is discovered, and when he attempts to find cover while awaiting the Avengers cavalry, he runs into:

These goombas have been "technologically" (or "genetically," depending on which issue you read) altered to mimic the Avengers. They've been vexing Spidey and the Avengers for the past few issues, and now Parker has to face them alone. Oops.

Our creators:

It's interesting to note that JMS apparently had a Get Out Of Jail Free card when it came to the House Of M. Whereas many other series were running tie-ins in the regular books, his titles, Fantastic Four and Amazing, completely ignored the event, while the characters dealt with House Of M in spin-off miniseries handled by other hands. That wouldn't be the situation during Civil War, when JMS would have both series wallowing deeply in the events of that "event."

Anyway, this issue is all action...no Spider out of costume, no Mary Jane or Aunt May or Jarvis or Daily Bugle. So let's hit the ground running. Peter plays keep-away from the Avengers wannabes while cataloging his advantages:



So Spider-Man runs circles around them while quipping, and that's one thing I've got to say about JMS' Spider-Man in the Avengers versus Bendis' version--JMS' quipping is actually funny, most of the time.

And not to pick on Mike Deodato here...

...but what the hell is the deal with faux-Thor's nose in that panel? (Probably just a result of the "technological augmentation"...)

Not only is faux-Thor's nose really, really askew, but he's kinda dumb:



But faux-Cap gets them to work together, while simultaneously Spidey stops fighting. Wha??




Lots o' fighting ensues, much of which doesn't involve Spider-Man, so we'll skim by it, except for a good Cap moment:


Meanwhile, Spider-Man has Iron Man give him a lift as they try to stop the missile, while squeezing in some exposition:

Peter tries to hack the missile's computer. Now, I know, Peter's good at science. But wouldn't it have made more sense for Iron Man to do that, because, you know, bio-science degree versus computer genius? Result: epic fail:



Now Cap gets a cute flashback here...


...but apparently our creators never read the original story, because Bucky and a rocket? Not so much:

(Panel from flashback in the sames month's Captain America #10) From Lee/Kirby on, it's been "an experimental drone" plane, not a freaking ICBM. Oh, what the hell, it's a nice moment, let's give 'em the creative license, right?

Anyway, while travelling really high and really fast, Peter has to somehow knock out the missile's guidance systems, diverting it over the ocean...because apparently it's OK to put anthrax and plague there...screw the fish!! (Please, no science nit-picks--I know, I know, I'm just sayin')






BOOM!! The end!!

Next issue Iron Man swoops in to save him, and Parker somehow didn't become infected by the face full of death germs, but then he begins...THE OTHER.

This was a bit of an atypical issue for this section of JMS' run, an all-out action finale. Usually his issues in this era were much more "this is Peter Parker's life," and actually did a fairly good job of showing what Peter's life was like now that he's on the Avengers. That doesn't excuse Sins Past, though, and doesn't make The Other make any more sense...

ELSEWHERE IN THE MARVEL UNIVERSE:

Here's what I don't get:

Now, I've got nothing against Spider-Girl. In fairness, I have really virtually zero of Tom DeFalco's MC2 stories, which is mainly a choice I've made not to invest a lot of time in a What If? series, because I have enough problems keeping one freakin' continuity in my head these days.

And I fully respect the run of, counting back-ups, over 150 issues in various incarnations. That's impressive, and full props.

No, what I want to know is--does DeFalco have blackmail photos of Joe Quesada, or what?

In an era where Marvel seems as impatient as the FOX network to cancel new series, when Atlas is announced as cancelled after only two issues, when critically well-received series like Captain Britain And MI-13 can't get saved, when Marvel invests an entire Avengers storyline in making Brother Voodoo the new Sorcerer Supreme and yet he still gets cancelled almost immediately...how did Spider-Girl hang on so long and keep coming back again and again?

Again, nothing against the series, as I'm sure it was good, and its fans seemed to really love it. But why couldn't Marvel show the same care and attention to preserving other low-selling series? At least giving them fair trials? Maybe take a loss leader on a series just because it's critically acclaimed? It's not like Marvel can't afford it...What did Spider-Girl have that they didn't?? (Aside from trademark preservation, of course...)