The Haneyverse, Chapter 3--Spielberg & Lucas Owe Bob Haney A Lot Of Money!

It is one of the facts of the universe that every single pop culture idea of the past 60 years has been ripped off from Bob Haney. Haney did it first, folks.

Let's take Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade.

Our hero is approached by a gorgeous blonde archeologist...

(Dr. Ingrid BORG?!?! Great, now Star Trek is ripping of Haney...)

...and, thinking with his nether regions, our hero joins her on her quest...

......to get into an impenetrable fortress and claim an artifact that grants eternal life.

So, nothing at all like Haney's story here.

Also, Lois Lane in Man Of Steel talked just like she does here:

"I'm a Pulitzer Prize-winning reporter!" "I am a noted archeologist!" Haney women (and the women in movies that rip off Haney) don't do humble brag--they go straight to "gratuitous résumé blurt"!

Anyway, to continue our story, Indiana Jones Scott Free obtains the immortal life-granting totem for Elsa Schneider Ingrid Borg, and then it comes time to turn on him:

Ladies: make sure you ask your high school guidance counselors why they never told you that "hired adventuress" was a career option...man, even Tomb Raider ripped off Haney...

So she kills him...

...except Haney just makes up a new super-power for Mister Miracle:

So "lightning reflexes" means "moves as fast as The Flash"???

Which of course leads to...

Ah, well. The irony of dying just as you've obtained the item that grants eternal life is not at all like what happened in the third Indiana Jones movie...not a thing.

Disney, get those royalty checks in the mail...

BONUS: Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull makes a hell of a lot more sense if you think of it as a Bob Haney story...

From The Brave And The Bold #112 (1974)

First Page Follies--At Least There Won't Be Snakes

In Batwoman #25, we learn...

...that Professor Indiana Jones is now teaching at West Point.

It's good to know that, in the nu52, cadets are getting a good archeological education...Are we ready with our "Batwoman And The Temple Of Doom" fanfic?

What the #$%^--Reporters Desperate to Somehow Ride the Coattails of a Blockbuster

In perhaps one of the least necessary stories ever published by a reputable news outlet:

REAL ARCHAEOLOGISTS QUESTION INDIANA JONES' M.O.

Damn, and I thought that Indy was a 100% accurate depiction of archaeology...

In follow-up stories, the AP will reveal that real MI6 agents question James Bond's methods, actual astronauts question the realism of Flash Gordon, and police officials suggest that maybe, just maybe, CSI exaggerates the role of crime lab technicians.

Sheesh...

No Time For Love, Doctor Jones

You know, every day it seems there's another reason I'm not allowed to write movies or comics.

Today's reason?
If I were writing the new Indiana Jones movie, I would make the villain turn out to be Short Round, all grown up but incredibly twisted thanks to his experiences in the Temple of Doom. He's out for revenge, and pissed at Indy for ruining his life...

And that's why I'm not allowed to write movies.

Next up: Indiana Jones vs. Goldfinger. C'mon, how do you think Goldfinger got all that gold in the first place? Stealing from archaeological sites, of course...