That Time Lois Lane Set Up Clark Kent To Be Murdered!!

In this imaginary story, Lois Lane has married Bruce Wayne!!

Unfortunately, the Gotham syndicate has noticed that Lois is always around when Batman is, so they suspect that she knows his secret identity. So they kidnap her and proceed to give her an intensive interrogation:

Time for Curt Swan to let his freak flag fly!

Well, who could stand up to all those floating words?

Oh, Lois, thank you for setting Clark up to be killed!! (She doesn't know his Superman identity).

But wait...Clark Kent is in Metropolis! How could he be Batman?

Fortunately, criminals are a cowardly and gullible lot:

Yes, Batman commutes to Gotham every day.

Anyway, obviously Clark is in no real danger, and he and Batman thwart the hoods.

But the big takeaway here? Lois Lane is ready to throw non-powered civilians to the wolves. Way to go, Lane.

From Lois Lane #89 (1969)

Manic Monday Triple Overtime--There's A Thin Line Between Billionaire Crime-Fighter And Stalker!

Before we begin, let me preface this by noting that this is one of those imaginary stories.

But still creepy as hell, nonetheless:

So, Batman not only has a shrine set up to Lois Lane, he buys gifts for her that he never gives her.

Bruce, I think you're on the wrong side of the Dobler-Dahmer line...

Still, maybe that's just standard on this imaginary Earth, as...

Superman has his own his own Lois shrine.

Maybe this is Earth-C (for Creepy).

Anyway, Lois dumps Superman for not paying enough attention to her, Bruce swoops in, and all is domestic bliss:

And so super-hero stalking pays off in the end!!

From Lois Lane #89 (1969)

Clark Kent, The Sam Walton of Smallville!!

You all remember, right?

How Superboy just completely vanished when he was 16?

And 13 years later it was still a mystery?!?

Well, we have a few answers for you, as Clark Kent wakes up one morning...

[Editor's note--va va voom, Lana!!]

So, long story short: 13 years ago, 16 year old Superboy had yet another smackdown with Lex Luthor. Superboy beat him down, but a) Lex's device somehow took away Kal-El's powers, and b) put Kal-El into a coma for ten (10!!) years!!

He woke up, and married Lana. Never went to Metropolis, never met Lois, never became Superman...

Oh, yeah, and:

They had a kid!! And despite being "awake" for only 3 years, they have a two year old kid!! Way to get busy quickly, Clark!!

But wait--in this imaginary story, what does Clark do for a living?

That's right--while Pa Kent served in the state legislature, Clark (somehow) turned a tiny Smallville general store into a nationwide grocery chain with hundreds of stores--in just 3 years!!

The new store in California is pretty swanky...

Clark Kent--Super-Capitalist!!

Ah, but he's been having dreams of being super again. So...

(I think someone was reading this when they planned "Truth"...)

So, he manages to give himself early-Golden Age level powers: leaping high while not flying, strong but not crazy-planet-moving strong, etc.

And so goes The Adventures Of Lana And Clark!!

From Superman #404 (1985)

In The Future, All Reporters Are Superman Truthers!

It's a hundred and some years in the future, and Superman has been a bit of a recluse for quite awhile.

But the news media of the day have finally caught up to him:

Wow. Seriously? People thought that Superman was Luthor, that all of those fights were some kind of false flag operation to protect Kal-El's secret identity?!? And news people are spreading these theories?!? I guess internet conspiracy theorists do end up taking over all news in the future!

What do you think of that theory, Superman?

Man, old Superman is a scary mofo.

OK, but if your secret identity wasn't Lex Luthor, could it have been...

Ralph Nader?!?!?

Well, that might explain some things about the 2000 election...

From Superman #416 (1986)

Then There Was That Time Batman Joined The Legion Of Super-Heroes!

Well, OK, it was an imaginary story...but aren't they all imaginary?

Anyway, in this particular reality, soon after the Waynes are murdered, the Kents are approached with a proposition:

So, Alfred, you're officially unhealthy for the kid. Now beat it!

Of course, it's not long before the brothers make the obvious discovery about each others' unusual wardrobe choices...

Apparently, Smallville had an awful lot of crime to fight!

But when Bruce turns 21...

...we find out that the Kents are incredible moochers!!

So, screw Metropolis, and to heck with you, Lois Lane!!

Aww, but eventually, Lex Luthor murders the Kents, because he's a member of the Justice League...oops, wrong imaginary story. But he does kill the Kents:

And super-weepy Batman can trump any grief Clark Kent might have!

Uhhh...fuck you, Bruce?

An idea?!?

We'll have to ask Legion constitution expert  Siskoid if that's strictly legal. If you can amend your constitution any old time a whim strikes, is it much of a constitution?

But the result is--

--the mismatch of the century!!!

Meanwhile:

Batman with a flight ring!!! Bring on Mordru!!!

Hmmm...a Batman in the Legion might actually keep DC from cancelling/rebooting them continually. Get me DiDio!!

From World's Finest #172 (1967)