Tales From The Quarter Bin--Sqaure Peg, Round Hole

Quite a while ago, we discussed how the comic companies would use their annuals to run their line-wide events.

Generally, I liked it better that way.

But there was one drawback. Sometimes, if you insisted on running the tale through all, or most, of your annuals, you'd come up with stories where the characters don't really fit in the the concept or the tale.

Case in point:

Yes, Punisher Annual #1 (1988) was part of "The Evolutionary War." The High Evolutionary, you see, had gone bonkers (well, more bonkers than usual), and decided to upgrade the whole human race and ensure their genetic purity and guide them until they were superior to the Beyonders. [editor's note--this was back when the Beyonders were a whole species of extra-dimensional god-like beings, and not just one mutant Inhuman, as the Bendis retcon would have you believe].

Obviously, all this godlike capering around and genetic bombs and stuff is a little outside the Punisher's milieu. But, ape law says we have to make his annual fit into the story. So how did Marvel do that?

Frank Castle is in Bogota, Colombia, to wipe out El Caiman, notorious drug lord. But before he can act, someone else starts shooting up the streets:

OK, so we're already in strange territory, and it's barely page 4.

The guy is invulnerable to Punisher's gun, and has some weaponry of his own:

Fortunately, Frank has a grenade--just one, sadly--and manages to stun Rom Jr. So what's his story?

The guy passes out before he can name the High Evolutionary as his boss. But clearly he's a bit shell-shocked...they're going to "weed out" the "junkies and crazies"? And the Punisher is "both"?? Crazy, perhaps...but how is he a junkie??

Anyhoo, there's not just one Eliminator--there's a whole horde of them marauding Visigoths. Frank has conveniently saved the like of El Caiman's daughter, and they flee to the drug lord's crib. Where...

Yes, the Punisher teams up with a drug lord, to stop guys who want to...kill drug lords. No, it's not terribly coherent, but Mike Baron does attempt a bit of rationalization:

Ah, it's to protect the civilians. because that's what Castle is all about.

They flee to El Caiman's luxury mansion, Frank deduces that (despite their ridiculous high tech) the Eliminators are vulnerable to Teflon bullets, El Caiman just happens to have a basement full of those, and Frank takes out the whole horde, except for one last guy.

And the, 27 pages into Chapter Two of The Evolutionary Wars, we finally learns the boss' name and plan:

Now, I know the High Evolutionary, and his followers, are kind of insane. But...

**The High Ev decides to eliminate "genetic pollutants"--and he starts with cocaine? Really? Not tobacco, or various chemicals, or radiation...but cocaine?
**He sends his "Eliminators" after drug dealers...but leaves their high tech advanced super-armor vulnerable to weaponry that many drug dealers possess?

Ah, well, Frank takes the guy out with his penultimate bullet, takes out El Caiman with his last bullet, and drags the daughter off to "find a way through the jungle." The end.

Obviously, the story that has frak-all to do with the High Evolutionary's schemes. But it's an annual, so we had to make the Punisher fit in, somehow. Although, in fairness, the Amazing Spider-Man Annual that year had his "Purifiers" killing drug dealers, which draws in the Kingpin and Daredevil and Spider-Man and Speedball, which leads to them stopping his real plan, sterilizing New York City. So, again, merely an arbitrary way to draw in unlikely heroes into plot that really shouldn't involve them that much.

Square peg, round hole.

Friday Night Fights--Suicide ISN'T Painless Style!!

As another Friday Night Fights rolls around, I'm going to indulge myself.

There are certain characters I hate to death. And this week, one of those is going to get the crap beat out of him.

Second only to the Silver Surfer in times of being a whiny, selfish douche, the High Evolutionary has always needed to be taken down 3 or 4 pegs.

He's just discovered a race of well-nigh omnipotent beings called The Beyonders. His reaction?

Dude, you suck.

The pity party gets so bad, he decides to kill himself. But his armored is programmed to keep him alive, no matter what.

So he skedaddles over to Earth, and devolves all of Bruce Banner's friends into monkeys, so Banner will get mad, transform into the Hulk, and beat the living crap out him.

That's a plan I can live with:







SPOILER ALERT: It didn't last, sadly.

Spacebooger is getting out his Devo records right now, I warrant...

The High Evolutionary's "Are we not men?" moment came courtesy of Mark Gruenwald, Ron Lim & Tony Dezuniga in Avengers Annual #17 (1992), which retold the events of Incredible Hulk #266 (1981).

Now, I think you know why you have to vote for me. Because Marvel is overdue to trot out the High Evolutionary again, in a wonderfully charming "I'm superior to all of you, don't you feel sorry for me you miserable unenlightened idiots" story. The only way to stop that--VOTE!!