Manic Monday Triple Overtime--See, it's Not Just Gotham City!!

Batman's hometown hardly has a monopoly on crazy giant props:

See, Nighthawk from the Squadron Supreme's universe has bopped over to Earth-616 for a visit, and he rubs into some villains from his universe who have done the same thing!!

Pointless fighting ensues:

Heh. "Industrial Display Company." In a skyscraper. Heh.

Sadly, the props are not fully functional...

Why the hell has Spider-Man never fought anybody here?

From Captain America #314 (1986)

How To Impress Your Parents The Gotham Way!

Brace yourself for the most disarmingly sweet story you've ever read.

Bruce is having one of the "rich men opining about shit" conversations that billionaires have...

Well, soon enough the opportunity to prove it does indeed come along.

Batman rescues a young woman from ending her own life...

Why would she do this?!?

You're right, Batman!

Well, a more cynical hero might just tell her to "suck it up, confess the truth, and your parents will still love you."

Not this Batman!!

Now, you remember that story from the myths where Balder's mother went to every object on Earth, and made it promise not to kill her some (oops, forgot the mistletoe!!)?

Well, Batman is going to go to every single person in Gotham and get them to play along with deceiving Viola's parents!!

And yes, Bruce Wayne is going to get involved, too!

Batman even goes to the media...and of course they play along!

FAKE NEWS!!

One paper, though, is less cooperative!

Now that's my Gotham--where editors of scandal sheets are packing heat and aren't afraid to draw on the Batman!!

Time for Bruce to get involved...with his checkbook!

Goddamn, Gotham is the nicest city ever!

So her parents show up:

And Gothamites are happy to play along!

But, after a boring 5-page interlude where some crooks steal her new jewels and furs...

Fortunately, amazing coincidences are par for the course in happy Gotham City!

And so...

Hurray!!

Her parents are none the wiser...

And Bruce proves his friend wrong...

The cynic in me wants to thing Jim Daly handed over a one dollar check, as Bruce did all this just to win a rich man's wager like in Trading Places.

But, nope. This is a heart-warming tale where everybody in the big city unites in a harmless deception so a young woman's parents will be proud of her. Excuse me while a wipe away a tear...

From Detective Comics #53 (1941)

Manic Monday--Where Do They Get Those Wonderful Buildings?!?

The greatest job in human history was surely "Gotham City architect" back in the day.

Where else could you let your freak flag fly so prominently?

OK, OK, a hot dog stand shaped like an actual hot dog. Big deal, right?

But what about...

"A playground where realistic, mechanically moving imitations of all the giants from myth and folklore gather to play!"

They even get a giant swing!!

Even the self-storage places in Gotham are whacked-out.

And even the hat stores get in on the act!

Still, is any of those really that crazy? What else you got, Gotham?

"That swank gem shot"??

OMG!!

In my weaker moments, I like to imagine that Mike Brady commutes to work in Gotham before heading home to import life wisdom to his many children...

From World's Finest Comics #116 (1961)

The Day DC Geography Changed Forever!!!

If you know me at all, you know I've wasted a ridiculous portion of my adult life trying figure the perplexities of DC Geography, specifically the location of their "extra" cities, and most specifically the locations of Gotham City and Metropolis.

I've studied highway signs, and more highway signs, and pursued many a clue, to no real success.

They're both cities with seaports, they're relatively close...and that's about it. Most people go for Connecticut and New Jersey, but the frighteningly inconsistent informational crumbs DC has tossed out leave most of the northeastern seaboard--anywhere from Massachusetts to Maryland being a possibility.

But sometimes, a piece of information gets unveiled, which, well, changes your entire worldview.

In this week's Batman #21 (don't worry, spoiler free), there's a hockey game playing in the early pages...and the announcers tell us this:

Wait Wait Wait WAIT!!!!!!!!

Both Gotham City and Metropolis are in the WESTERN Conference?!? What the...

Look, I'll be the first to admit that sports conference/division alignments can be a bit less than geographically accurate. Sometimes there's tradition; sometimes there's difficulty to getting teams to agree to switching divisions when one team relocates; sometimes there seems to be no reason. The Dallas Cowboys are in the NFC East because no one wanted to break up their rivalries. For two decades Atlanta and Cincinnati played in baseball's NL West, while Chicago and St. Louis played in the NL East. Go figure.

Still, it be exceptionally rare for one team physically on the east coast to be assigned to play in the Western Conference. Two would be pretty much insane. If for no other reason than the travel burdens on those teams--most of their games would be in their own conference, so their travel time/expenses would be astronomical compared to other teams in the own conference! I'm not saying it couldn't happen...just that (on our Earth, at least), it probably wouldn't happen.

So if Gotham and Metropolis are both seaports AND play in the Western Conference, well...is DC telling us that they're on the West Coast?!?

I know I jokingly toyed with clues in The Dark Knight Rises that sorta could have been taken to imply that Gotham City was in California, but seriously?

For what it's worth, the snow we've seen in both cities probably puts southern California right out of the picture. Northern California? Oregon? Washington?

The bigger question is--are we meant to take this seriously? Have Metropolis and Gotham always been on the west coast? Or just since nu52, or Rebirth, and this is a clue that someone is mucking with reality?

Or maybe it's just a writing/lettering/editing snafu....

What Do Gotham City's Idle Rich Do?!?

Ben Affleck was going to write, direct, and star in the hypothetical new Batman movie. Then he wasn't going to write it. Now he's not even going to direct it, but he'll probably still star in it (at least until he sees Zack Snyder's ridiculous new "even deadlier" Batmobile, because what the Caped Crusader really needed is more guns and missile launchers).

So, before Ben flees the madhouse that is the DC Cinematic Murderverse, let's take one last stab at getting him a plot, shall we? Namely, what do you do if you live in Gotham City (and are insanely rich)?

Apparently, you join insane clubs and sit around talking all day, until one of your follow club-members tries to kill you.

So, we just need to add on a Club Of Clubs, which you can join only by belonging to every other Gotham club...and someone is knocking the members off, one-by-one, as Bruce frantically tries to join every other club so he can get inside, and...

Once again, you see why I'm not allowed to write comic book movies.

From The Essential Batman Encyclopedia (2008)