Friday Night Fights--GAARD Style!

All right, it's the last round of the current bout of Friday Night Fights, so it's time to break out the big guns:

That's right, we're going GAARD!! on your asses!!

GAARD!! is probably the lamest villain ever. I mean, just look at the dufus, dressed up like a hockey goalie because...well, because somebody thought it was cool, I guess.

The situation? In an incredibly convoluted plan, Arkon is trying to engineer a massive thermonuclear war between Earth-616, Earth-A, and the "Fifth Dimension," because the energies from such a conflagration will pour through the "Eternal Nexus" and power Arkon's homeworld forever!! (Later stories that present Arkon as noble but headstrong leader neglect to mention this potential triple genocide. Go figure)

The only hope our heroes have is to shut down the nexus, permanently shutting down Arkon's scheme. But it's guarded by GAARD!!, and Arkon has fixed it so only one other person at a time may enter this pocket of hyperspace.

So Reed has equipped Benjy with a set of "skate-like devices" that allow him to skim along "the free-flowing protons and tachyons of hyperspace." ( I told you it was a lame story...) All so he can get a disc-shaped magic-sciencey dingus past GAARD!!, into the Nexus, and implode it.

Only problem? GAARD!!






(See, it's not a hockey stick...it's a Cosmic Sceptre!!)

Well, that's not going well. Fortunately, Reed has arranged a cheat...let's watch!







So Ben wins!! Yet, the tale is not done without some added pathos...


Yes, GAARD!! was the Johnny Storm of Earth-A. I supposed it's better than his being killed in Vietnam, which is what everyone thought happened to him.

No, being GAARD!! is worse. Unquestionably.

Spacebooger wants to remind you all that GAARD!! should always be spelled in all caps with TWO exclamation points, for such is the awesomeness of GAARD!! that mere normal typography cannot hope to portray his sheer GAARD!!ness.

The most regrettable character ever conceived comes from the minds of Roy Thomas, Rich Buckler and Joe Sinnott in Fantastic Four #163 (1975). Matt Fraction, please bring back GAARD!!

Now is the time for you to go and vote for my fight. Why? Do not question GAARD!! Submit!! Now go and vote!!

Manic Monday--You CAN Judge The Quality Of A Hero By His Villains

I take back everything I ever said about Superman having the lamest rogues' gallery:




Okay, I admit, it was unfair not to show the Black Manta and Ocean Master boxes. Then again, would they really have helped much? And those were the only other two shown in the feature...

Still, they're better than GAARD!!!!!!

Aquaman's (chortle) rogues' gallery is depicted in "Diabolical Demons of the Depths" in DC Super-Stars #7 (1976)

Hurl Your Tiny Might Against Gormuu!!

My pal Mark is doing a great occasional series on the wonderful Marvel (or Timely) Monsters of the late 50's and early 60's.

While I don't want to horn in on his act, I DO want to note one of the great modern pastiches of those stories, as presented by John Byrne in Fantastic Four #271 (1984):

The story flashes back to a time shortly before the fateful rocket trip, when apparently giant monsters from space were landing every other day. And Byrne hits all the notes during his little 8 page story-with-a-story. It starts with a drive through the countryside (galactic monsters never, it seemed, landed in cities)...

...our hero alone initially encounters the would-be conqueror (so nobody can believe the hero until it's too late)...

...who has a deliciously goofy name ('cause he's alien, see?)...

...and is no big fan of E.T....

I won't spoil the rest of the story, but it is a delightful homage to a delightfully silly time in Marvel history. OK, I will spoil that Reed defeats Gormuu with the help of "a simple, wooden ruler." And that Gormuu's attack, and the threat of other space dictators, was the impetus for Reed hurrying his rocket test without proper shielding...

GAARD!!! says: C'mon, now, after that, you can't possibly say I was the lamest FF villain ever!!! C'mon!!

GAARD! Speaks!!--Kleezar

As you may recall, I--GAARD!--have been trying to prove snell wrong, by finding Marvel characters lamer than GAARD!

It's been a long trek, but at least, I--GAARD!--have found what may be the lamest villain ever. I speak, of course, of Kleezar, the Parasite of Eternity!!

Oh, GAARD can hear the quibbling already, that this was technically not a Marvel story, and hence not a Marvel character. Hogwash!! The story starred the original Human Torch, and guest-starred Captain America and enigmatic Sun Girl. That's as Marvel as it gets!! So travel back with GAARD! to the misty days of 1948....

How lame is Kleezar? The story refers to a "power so monstrous, so overwhelming." Well, let's take a look:



and


Oh no, he makes cats beat up milquetoasts, and turns horses into "fiery beasts of destruction." Now, 1948 was back in the past, but I'm confident that our automobile culture was far enough along that a few uppity horses hardly presented a serious threat to Earth.

But the crisis is severe enough to call in our three heroes. And Dr. Jefferson reveals that the animal madness is caused by "rays" emanating from Jupiter! And it's only a matter of time until it effects humans!!

Well, there's only one solution: the Human Torch must fly to Jupiter!! Yup, all the way to Jupiter. Afire the whole way. Hmmm, no wonder the Russians beat us to the punch with Sputnik...




But GAARD! digresses. It turns out the rays are caused by a "pool of peril," which is ruled over by Kleezar and his space parasites!! On the surface of Jupiter...


OK, so Kleezar, "nomad creature of madness," is a bat/werewolf/dragon/armadillo thing. And they dared call GAARD!! lame?? Meanwhile, let's see how the Human Torch is doing on his flight through the vacuum of space:


Ooooooooooh kayyyyyy. Anyway, so fatigued is the Torch from his journey, that Kleezar and his hordes whoop him pretty good. Kleezar monologues:


Fortunately for the Earth, a meteor storm arrives. Check out the description:


Yes, all of infinity is threatened by fire-rain!! And it wipes out all of the parasites except Kleezar!! Who shows off his villainous laugh:


HAA! HEEE! HA! HO! Oh, c'mon, man, GAARD! looks like Doctor Doom next to this guy...Anyhoo, the Torch gets his flame back, destroys the pool, and Kleezar meets his final doom:


So the Torch flies back to Earth from Jupiter...oh, dear, my brain hurts. But amidst the (apparently) many clouds of outer space:


But he won't die, because Captain America is on the job (and not giving up, like in Civil War...):


Yes, the Human Torch fell--FROM JUPITER--and CAPTAIN AMERICA CAUGHT HIM!!! And they were able to carry on completely "manly" repartee afterwards, too!!

So confronted by some scientifically illiterate, vaguely homo-erotic heroes, Kleezar's plan to accidentally flood the Earth with madness rays fails because, well, because he's lame. Parasite of eternity, my GAARD! ass...

But thank the heavens Sun Girl was there...

The magnificence of Kleezar, Scavenger of the Stratosphere, is from Human Torch #33 (1948), as reprinted in Giant-Size Avengers #1

GAARD! Speaks!!--Amadeus Cho?!?

Hi, everybody....GAARD!!! here.

I know this Snell guy has been mocking me pretty relentlessly, and I've just got to defend myself. I certainly am NOT the lamest character ever in the Marvel Universe, and I'm doubly certain that I do not have the worst name ever.

Take, for example, Amadeus Cho. He's been getting a lot of good press lately, and GAARD!! just wants to make two points.


First of all, when a teenager keeps telling you how smart he is, he's usually not. 7th smartest person in the world?? Yeah, right.

Secondly, laugh at GARRD!! as you will, one fact is indisputable: Mastermind Excello is the STUPIDEST name for anyone, hero or villain, ever. It sounds like a new type of squeegee mop. Really. Mastermind Excello. If he really were so smart, he'd find a way to make people stop calling him that. Mastermind Excello. Snort.

And by the way, it's not a hockey stick--it's a COSMIC SCEPTRE!! Show some respect!

GAARD!! is from the inimitable Fantastic Four #163. Picture of *snort* Mastermind Excello *guffaw* is from Hulk #110.

...But Then Again...

It's a good thing I wasn't faced with my first comic buying decision 7 months earlier:


Yeah, Zuul only knows how making this my "first" comic would have changed things. Yes, your eyes don't deceive you...that's the Thing, in hyper space, fighting a hockey goalie named "Gaard." Dressed in a bright red and yellow uniform that would have embarrassed even a WHA player. And, SPOILER ALERT: Gaard is really Johnny Storm...the Johnny Storm of Earth-A (yup, the Earth A recently so important in She-Hulk #21, were Reed Richards is the Thing, and that world's only super-being).

And in virtually every way that FF#170 was great (to me, at least), #163 was awful. Aside from the ridiculousness of Gaard (man, it's painful to type that), we have:

*an incredibly convoluted wrap-up to a ridiculously convoluted arc, involving Arkon trying to cause nuclear war on three different dimensional worlds so the resultant energy would somehow power his own. With everybody jumping between worlds and the goofiest pseudo-science imaginable, this is the type of issue that is incomprehensible not just to newcomers. After 32 years *I* can't make sense of it.

*Rich Buckler's pencils are flat and unimpressive, rescued somewhat by Joe Sinnot's inks.

*Unlike Power Man and Puppet Master, Arkon and Gaard make a particularly unimpressive villain combo.

*They're playing HOCKEY in HYPERSPACE!!!

Thus are the whims of fate. If this were the first issue of the FF I picked up, I likely wouldn't have been hooked. Maybe I wouldn't have even gotten hooked on comics in general.

Or maybe i would have become a hockey fan...GAARD!!!!!!!

Staggeringly lame cover from Fantastic Four #163. Let the word go out...from now on GAARD shall always appear in all caps and boldface. GAARD!!!!!!!!! Did I mention he was a hockey goalie in hyper-space???