10 Ways To Fix The Flash TV Show Before Season 3

NOTE: There will be minor, and maybe even major, spoilers here, so if you haven't watched cwFlash season 2 yet, you might not want to read this. Like you ever want to read my ravings, anyway.

Let's start off by admitting that the title of my title post might be too broad. The Flash is a perfectly cromulent show; I watch it every week, it's been renewed for a 3rd season so someone likes it, and in general it's avoided the cringe-worthy darkness of the DC Cinematic Murderverse. So when I say "to fix" Flash, what I probably should have said is eliminate a lot of the show's tics that really annoy me and keep it from being a better show. But that would have been too long for a post title, so...

Feel free to disagree with me, because I am of course forbidden by national referendum from writing TV shows. But this is what I think...

1) Mirror Master.

Somewhere along the line, thank to Geoff Johns, Captain Cold was promoted to chief Rogue, and as a result he's had what, 6 or 7 episodes so far over two seasons? (I just looked it up--it's eight episodes so far!). Fine. Good on you, Len Snart.

But 46 episodes (plus crossovers) and not a single sign of the Mirror Master? What the hell?

They've shuffled Cold and Heat Miser Heatwave off to another show (they'll be back...). They've sent Grodd to an alternate Earth. They've reformed Pied Piper. They've killed the Turtle. They've killed Girder (twice). They let Captain Boomerang be an Arrow villain. Mark Hamill's probably too busy remaking A New Hope for the 3rd time to do much trickstering.

So there's plenty of room for classic rogues. So why no Mirror Master?

He's been on most of the DC Animated series. He was even on the freakin' 1990 TV series!!

Mirror Master and his relatively low-tech powers seem like a perfect match for the "we can do it cheaper than CBS" CW show.

So where the hell is he?

2) Prune the cast, and let Barry be a scientist again.

Most Berlanti shows are a bit overstuffed in their casts. It's easier to have lots of people stand around talking than actually having stuff happen.

But the Flash really bursts the seams. There are too many cast members!!

And the worst part is, too many of them are scientists. And far better scientists than Barry Allen.

The opening monologue (again, a requirement for any Berlanti show, because the audience is too dim to pick up on the premise of a super-hero show without a weekly reminder of that premise) tells us that Barry is a "scientist."

The problem is, there are always at least three other scientists on the show at all times, and they're ALL smarter than Barry. Apparently, setting the HQ at S*T*A*R Labs means the show is contractually obligated to have at least three scientists in the control room at all times, talking in Barry's ear because he's not smart enough to figure out the tiniest problem without their guidance.

Amongst the brainiacs manning the control room this season were Cisco, Caitlin, Harrison Wells-2, Jesse Wells, Martin Stein, Felicity Smoak, Jay Garrick (well, whom we thought was Jay Garrick, and it is fascinating how a deranged serial killer was suddenly smart enough to be a super-scientist, but hey, comics), Christina McGee...I'm sure I missed a few. Barry even had to time travel back to last season to consult Harrison Wells-1/Eobard Thawne on some science.

And so every time--every single damned episode--scientist Barry Allen is completely baffled by the latest villain's powers/scheme until the brain trust chimes in on his earpiece something he really should have thought of himself. And because we have to service the needs of this immense cast of scientists we've put on the show, one or more of them have to be the one to solve the problem while Barry runs around futilely, and we end up with our star being probably the 5th or 6th smartest character on his own show. He's lost a lot of his agency as a lead character.

Contrast this with Barry's guest spot on Supergirl. There was no one to talk into his earpiece. Suddenly, he was the smartest guy in the room, he was getting to do the scientific lectures and build things and solve problems. He was suddenly brash and confident, things he's not allowed to be on the Flash because then all those actors you've hired would have nothing to do every week.

[It should be noted that the Supergirl show suffers from this, as well. There's really no reason Kara Zor-El should need someone in her ear to talk her through a fight, or need to have a federal SWAT team accompany her on every mission...]

So get rid of S*T*A*R labs (how do they even afford to keep the lights on there, anyway? Do they actually do anything, produce anything, sell anything?). Send a couple of our boffins on extended vacations, or send them off to Star City. Focus more on Barry as forensic scientist. Let him solve problems himself.

Let Barry Allen be Barry Allen.

3) Mirror Master.

Did I mention him already?

4) Enough with the time travel already.

Look, it's a TV show. It's a super-hero TV show. So we know there's going to be some scientific illiteracy and downright foolishness on hand.

But these writers have no idea what they're doing with time travel. They have no idea what their rules are, even from episode to episode. And it's become worse than Christopher Reeve turning the globe backwards because there was a bad outcome, because The Flash does it again. And again. And again.

They keep changing the premise--changing the time line will cause bad things. Except when it won't. But then it does again. Changing his past makes Reverse Flash never have existed--except everything he did and said still happened. Oh, and then it didn't wipe him out of time, anyway. Because.

It's also become a fairly reprehensible deus ex machina, as at least three times in season two, including the climax of the whole season, we've seen characters killed only to be told later that it was a "time remnant," which basically means you let a "younger" version of yourself die in your place while you continue merrily along with no ill effects (and apparently not changing the timeline because...?)

It's lazy, terrible storytelling. And we're stuck with it, because of what happened in the season finale--the season 3 opener is allegedly named "Flashpoint." But for heavens' sake, let that be an end to it.

Also, nothing in the world is more offensive than continually saying that running at Mach 2 is enough to break the time barrier. That's so stupid, even DC Science mocks it as being unbelievable.

5) Abra Kadabra

Despite what I said about time travel above, I'm willing to make an exception for Abra Kadabra. 64th century technology that's indistinguishable from magic? A hackneyed showman determined to prove that he can entertain with his hackneyed tricks? Made for TV. And if they can turn Barry into a puppet...

[Extra bonus points if you can get Penn and/or Teller to play Abra Kadabra]

6) Good lord, enough with the brooding already

It is not at all fair for me to say, "Good god, Barry Allen, get over your dead mother already!!"

But then again, the show itself has done that already, dedicating an entire episode to the Speed Force itself telling Barry that the only way he'll be the best hero he can be is to "let her go."

I'd call that a nice bit of self-aware meta-commentary there. Except just 2 episodes later, Barry gets all melancholy again, and goes back in time (again) to save her (again). Apparently the show's creators don't pay any attention to what they've just written 2 weeks ago...

Obviously, it's a diktat from Geoff Johns (and DiDio, and Jim Lee), that heroes must have tragedy in their history in order to be heroes. And sure, that works fine for Peter Parker and Bruce Wayne. But must every hero be motivated by tragedy? Aren't most real-life heroes motivated by, well, just wanting to do the right thing? Not to Johns, who retconned Flash to have his mother murdered and his father framed for it, and for Hal Jordan to watch his father die in a plane crash. Yay, super-heroes are fun!

Anyway, The Flash show obviously adopted that mantra, to the nth degree. Even Batman doesn't genuflect to his dead parents this much! If Bruce Wayne were to watch this show, he'd say "Jesus, Barry, get over it!" To have Barry this mopey, and continually wallow in his family tragedy, does not make for a better hero or a more entertaining show.

Check out this fact: Nora Allen, as played by Michelle Harrison, has appeared in 11 of the episodes so far. Despite being dead, she's been in nearly 1/4 of the episodes broadcast! Flashbacks, time travel, time travel again, Speed Force ghost, time travel yet again, yada yada.

Even if you buy the necessity for the tragedy of his mother to motivate Barry Allen, he should have other motivations, shouldn't he? And you shouldn't constantly bring it up again and again every week, should you?

Find some other stories to tell.

7) Mirror Master

Hey, let me tell you about this really cool villain...

8) Enough with rival speedsters as the Big Bad

I mean, come on now, guys. Exercise that imagination a little more.

9) Enough with the murdering and incarcerating villains

Last season, Wells-2 straight-up murdered Turtle in cold blood. Turtle was locked in a cell, powerless, and Wells killed him to take a sample from his brain. And the only consequence, literally, was that his daughter was mad at him for awhile. That is seriously f&*^%d up.

That's what happens when you can detain defeated crooks with no due process, locking them in an ersatz prison with no trial, no judge, no jury, no rights. There's nothing to stop these guys from taking the next step to executioner, and obviously some of our cast have no qualms about taking that step. And even worse, our hero apparently doesn't have anything whatsoever to say about the issue, except to shrug--another consequence of not being as smart as his supporting cast, and having little agency.

Build an Iron Heights set, CW. And let's punish murderers, OK?

10) I bet you thought I was going to bring up Mirror Master again, right?

You're right...

DC And Guantanamo--A Pleasant Update!

A couple of weeks ago I took the DC television shows to task, complaining that the all of them had defaulted to tossing villains into secret prisons, without trial or hope of release, and lacking anything regarding civil liberties.

Well, fairness demands that I at least mention that this week's Supergirl acknowledged the issue, even using some of the terms I had mentioned in my post. And they resolved things (more or less) in a way befitting what we expect from a super-hero representing the House Of El. So full, unsarcastic props. Thank you, DC Entertainment.

Now we just have to see if Barry Allen, a police detective, a reporter and 25 scientists can realize that running their own Guantanamo in the basement of a particle accelerator might be seen as problematic. (I really don't care what happens on Green Arrow).

And let's also hope that the Supergirl writers will stop having DEO members execute villains, when, as Supergirl herself said, there's always another way.

DC Television Shows And Guantanamo

In the CW Arrow series, Oliver Queen (along with A.R.G.U.S.) has a secret island prison, in which they stash particularly troublesome prisoners. No trial, no hope of release.

Sure, that seems 100% the opposite of what the Bronze Age Green Arrow would accept...but this is another universe, yada yada.

On the CW Flash show, Barry Allen and friends (including a respected police detective and a reporter) secretly keep any number of meta-humans prisoner in a secret prison in the basement at S.T.A.R. Labs. No trial, no hope of release, not even bathrooms, as far as we can see.

But they're dangerous, right? So it's OK, right?

On the CBS Supergirl show, the DEO keeps their prisoners--you know where I'm going here--in secret extra-judicial prisons. No trial, no hope of release.

And before you say "they're just aliens," what about Max Lord, eh?

The DC TV shows, whatever else you want to say about them, have set as their default position that troublesome people, once captured, should be imprisoned permanently, with no recourse to lawyers, or judges, or juries, or any semblance of any kind of justice of civil liberties.

It's not just one show, where maybe you could make some argument about need or justification or the misguided efforts of good people or whatever. All 3 shows use black prison sites to stash captured felons, and no one--not scientists, nor police officers, nor reporters, nor government officials, nor even the super-heroes themselves--have one bit of hesitation, one bit reservation, or the least bit of conscience about locking up the people they've just beat up for life sentences, throw away the key.

Hell, even Batman turns the worst of the worst over to the authorities.

We can accept storytelling shortcuts. We can accept that not all characters have the same viewpoint on some issues. But when the same creators on three connected show resort to the same practice, is it just laziness, or are they giving us their moral viewpoint on how justice should be handled?

I know that "Is this how we want our heroes to behave" should be the subtitle of my blog...but really, is this how we want our heroes to behave? Are Geoff Johns, Andrew Kreisberg, Greg Berlanti, and the other producers just so lazy that they cut and paste the same set-up from show to show? Or does this repetition mean that they really believe that Supergirl is no different than the Master Jailer, that Barry Allen cares nothing for civil rights, that Ollie is a dick. OK, never mind that last one. Have they started locking up bad guys in the basement of the TARDIS Waverider yet on Legends Of Tomorrow? 

I know that we're all distracted by shiny fan service and token Easter eggs they toss out like candy to cover up some of the shows' deficiencies. Yeah, yeah, we saw one second of a Legion ring. But does that make it right that every DC TV show is running their own Guantanamo? Or have we abandoned hope that even our aspirational heroes should care about justice and rights and the Constitution?

Oh, look, 3 seconds of a CGI King Shark! How cool....what was I saying now? Ah, well, it couldn't have been too important.

Manic Monday Bonus--An Important Message To The CW

Dear CW Network--

I'm not sure how you can continue to call that show of yours The Flash...

...when, in 1 1/2 seasons...

...you have yet to do even a single story...

...featuring the Mirror Master.

I mean, how can you even call it a "Rogues Gallery"...

...when you haven't had your hero...

...even meet the greatest Rogue of them all?

So get on that, OK?

Thank you for your attention.

P.S. And where the hell is Abra Kadabra?

How Fast Is The Flash? How Fast Should He Be?

How fast is the Flash? Barry himself is wondering that...

Ironic that Barry should mention Mach speed, because his CW show continues to adorably insist that Barry has never run faster than Mach-2. And that running at Mach-2 is sufficient for him to break the time barrier. 1522 miles per hour...which is approximately .00002% of the speed of light.

Of course, if the CW is right, than mankind has already invented several vehicles that should have pilots (and the X-Men!!) traveling through time on a regular basis (click to embiggen):

So the Flash TV show is, in it's own way, as scientifically illiterate as DC's Silver Age. Plus, come on, what's the point of restricting him to Mach-2 if you're still going to let him do crazy things like travel in time and vibrate through walls and throw lightning bolts? (Because the Flash doesn't have enough powers...we've got to have him throwing friggin' lightning bolts now...)

But the comic book? Well, sadly, "Roemers" never caught on as a multiplier for the speed of light, because, well, science sort of mostly says that physical objects cannot exceed the speed of light. So multiple of that would be useless (and please don't go on about tachyons and other hypothetical particles, because they haven't been actually discovered, and most scientists think they couldn't exist). In cases where the effective travel speed, via "hyperspace" or "warp drive" or what have you, appears to be faster than light, we've been stuck with "warp factors" or just mundane measurements like "light years" or "parsecs" or what have you. Sorry, Ole Christensen Rømer (his actual name), your name just didn't stick!

However, this is DC Science, Silver Age style, so the Flash has already traveled seven times the speed of light. Can he do 10?!?!

Gee, you mean in this world, Barry is actually a scientist, and doesn't have to have his entire supporting cast be scientists who gather around consoles and tell him what to do every time he fights a villain (because they apparently can't figure out any other way to keep the cast involved every week)??? What a concept!!

Plus, Barry has invented a device that will measure velocity to 10 times the speed of light?!? Why the hell isn't he winning the Nobel Prize for physics, instead of working in the podunk crime lab in Central City?

So, The Flash reaches 10 times the speed of light (and somehow doesn't destroy himself or the Earth in the process)!!!

Of course, it did (temporarily) give him the power to read minds (what???) and give some thieves he bumped into the power of telekinesis (WHAT?!?!?!)!! DC Science, man...DC Science.

So, the TV show leaves Barry way to slow (but conveniently able to travel through time) whereas the comics make him impossibly fast. The choice is yours....As for me? No way can I live with a Flash who can only achieve Mach-2. Free Barry Allen!!

Comic books portions are from Flash #150 (1965)

Manic Monday--G.E.O.F.F. J.O.H.N.S. S.T.R.I.K.E.S A.G.A.I.N.

Let me make full disclosure right away.

I love to invent acronyms for things. I used to mock a friend who had a MENSA membership that the name stood for Man-Eating Nasty Snarling Aliens, and the group was really a front for aliens to gather all of humanity's smartest in one place when they invaded. Hmmm, that would make a great comic book plot (or a terrible TV series plot)!

Anyway, the point is that my hands aren't clean when it comes to making the initials of preexisting names stand for something.

But there does come a point when the activity passes the point of fun and silliness, and enters the real of trendy grim realism and sucking the fun out of everything.

Take, for example, last week's episode of The Flash (don't worry, no spoilers here). Co-written by DC Chief Creative Officer Geoff Johns, it was apparently decided that the name Firestorm had to stand for something.

I mean, we can't have a teenager transformed into a nuclear super-hero just give himself the name Firestorm, can we? I mean, that is far too comic-booky for modern audiences!

No, instead the name has to derive from this:

You can click on that to embiggen.

What the screen tells us that the next hero on the DC block got his name by making an acronym of the title of an 800 page pdf file of a scientific paper.

And that F.I.R.E.S.T.O.R.M. is really an acronym for Fusion, Ignition, Research Experiment and Science of Transmutation Originating RNA and Molecular Structures.

Seriously.

Isn't that the most terrible thing ever? It gets even worse..as blog-buddy notintheface points out, because the phrase contains "RNA", it's actually an acronym that includes another acronym. That is special.

I guess it's a good thing that Johns isn't working on the Marvel TV shows, or he'd reveal that D.A.R.E.D.E.V.I.L. actually stands for DNA Activated Radar Enhanced Dual Extra-sensory (non-Visual) Impairment Lessener.

Yes, it's terrible. But then again, I'm not paid to come up with better, like a certain Chief Creative Officer is.

Why You Should Be Wary Of The New Flash TV Series!

Look, I haven't seen a frame of it yet, but maybe you should be very careful before you commit yourself to watching the new Flash series on CW.

Let's let Flash #118 (1961) explain.

You see, the Flash is in Hollywood, making a film about himself (all proceeds to charity, of course), and Iris West has gone out to interview him.

But we soon learn that all is not as it seems in Tinsel Town:

WHAAAAAAAATTTTT???

Just an actor who looks like him? No real powers, just special effects???

What a rip-off!!

Barry explains (to himself) some more:

Just terrible. Talk about deceiving the American public!!

But wait--there's more! There have been a set of mysterious accients on the set, so Barry fills in for Steve Palmer to figure out what's up. But...

Ah, one of those "It was all a ruse so we could kill you" plots. But why?

So wait--some actor is just going to pretend to be the Flash, so he can cash in on endorsements and merchandising ties?!?!?!?!

So you see, it's a definite caveat emptor situation with this new Flash TV series (which, by the way, is NOT giving the proceeds to charity...ahem). I can't prove it, but I'd be willing to bet that, just like in this story, the series will NOT star the real Flash--just an actor pretending to be him. There will be NO real super-speed action--just "camera magic."

And while I would never suggest that lead actor Grant Gustin would ever turn to sabotage and murder to enrich himself with the Flash's name, Gustin will be just like Steve Palmer, in that he will be making an awful lot of money pretending to be the Flash! And just be careful at any Flash personal appearances or when buying any toys...because I'll wager they WON'T be authorized by the real Flash.

In other words, the new Flash series will likely be total fiction. RIP OFF!!!!!