Spoiler Saturday--Speech Therapy

If you missed it, in last month's Infinity Countdown #1, The Gardener made a little change to Groot:

So...no more "I am Groot."

Which I have no problem with. It's a fine conceit, but one that's ultimately super-limiting to creators. It can be tough to make Groot an actual character when all you can do is present one-sided conversations, essentially making him the Guardians' R2-D2. I, for one, welcome the newly verbose Groot (although I question whether always referring to himself in the 3rd person a la the Hulk is the best choice).

Which puts the ball firmly in DC's court. Because it's long past time they fixed Etrigan.

I've talked about his before. The Demon, aside from his entrance/exit spell, did not rhyme when Kirby created him.

Then, after his appearance in Alan Moore's Swamp Thing, it was pretty much all rhyme, all the time.

Some have done it better than other...but most writers really aren't very good at the rhyming shtick.

Which is especially frustrating, as Moore made it clear that Etrigan's verse was because of holding a particular rank in Hell. And since he has been demoted/promoted many times since, there's no reason for him to continue to speak in crap verse.

Others have tried, via story or retcon, to end the rhyming, but it never sticks. The Demon is always back to rhyming before too long, either by editorial fiat, or a misguided devotion to "do what Alan Moore did."

It's his version of "I am Groot"--his manner of speaking has become so synonymous with the character, it gets in the way of developing him as a character.

So, DC...if Marvel can dump "I am Groot," don't you think you guys could just put down Etrigan's verse? Please?

OK, you can keep some of his rhymes...

Manic Monday Triple Overtime--Druid Problems!

Because some mornings...

...you need to see Joe Kubert draw the living hell out of Superman and the Demon fighting an evil druid!!

Selected highlights follow...

From DC Comics Presents #66 (1984)

Rhyme Crime!

Look, when the monkey's paw gives me control of DC Comics, there's gonna be some changes.

First and foremost: Enough with the goddamn rhyming!!

A few years ago, I made clear my disdain for continuing to have Etrigan rhyme, even though he no longer had the rank that required him to rhyme.

Mainly, though, there's the fact that--sorry, esteemed authors--most comic writers seem to be pretty damn terrible at writing in verse.

And then there is this week's Green Lanterns #10, wherein we get the Phantom Ring and the Phantom Lantern and--impossible as it is to believe--yet another riff on the Green Lantern oath:

Greta Rao, will you people just stop already?!?

That's so bad, Alfred Bester is spinning in his grave. (And yes, I'm aware that Bester may not have actually written the first use of "In brightest day..." Regardless, that above doggerel is so bad, all dead writers are spinning in their graves)

Seriously--just knock it off, guys.

Friday Night Fights--Don't Bring A Demon To A Bulldozer Fight Style!!

You've got to use what weapons you have at hand. Such is the lesson of tonight's Friday Night Fight.

Etrigan, under the influence of Morgaine Le Fey, has been running a bit amok in Gotham City. Of course, that means conflict with Batman.

Batman hasn't fared too well, so far. But now it's time for the final throwdown:

WHOOM!!!

Gone, gone, o form of blogger, arise the monstrous Spacebooger!! (Yeah, yeah, you try and find a better rhyme, smart guy!)

Construction equipment trumps hellspawn in Blood Of The Demon #5 (2005), by John Byrne (Plot & pencils), Will Pfeifer (script) and Nekros (inker).

Now is the time for you to go and vote for my fight. Why? Bulldozer, baby--BULLDOZER. Now go and vote!

The Secret Origin Of Justice League Dark--In 1985?!?

Random chance has a bunch of freaky heroes coming together to thwart a plot by Felix Faust: Man-Bat, Black Orchid, Madame Xanadu, Phantom Stranger, Blue Devil, the Creeper, and Etrigan!!

After they settle Faust's hash, the Creeper has an idea:

"A Spooky Justice League Of America"?!?! This is it, then, right? The real beginning of Justice League Dark?

It's going to happen, right?

Nah.

So close, and yet so far.

From Blue Devil Annual #1 (1985)

Post-Game Meal, Part 2

After being transformed into a giant vampire-bat-creature, but getting better because of a rescue from a supernatural ally...

...Batman is going to have a very odd meal, thanks to Jason Blood

From Brave And The Bold #137 (1977)

Rhyme? No Reason

A humble request to all DC editors/writers:

Can we PLEASE stop having Etrigan talk in verse??

When Alan Moore first made Etrigan speak in rhyme in Swamp Thing, it was because he had been promoted to the rank of Rhymer. The implication, obviously, that it was not a permanent condition.

But people seem to have forgotten about that. Despite the fact that Etrigan has been raised (and lowered) from that rank many, many times since, writers still have him speak in verse. They've made a trait that was intrinsic to the rank instead intrinsic to the character, no matter what rank he holds.

In other words, they've taken a cute, one-off idea and turned it into a permanent character trait, even though that no longer makes sense.

(Aside: if we really want to explore the idea, we could find out that other ranks in Hell include Punster, Spoonerism Guy, and Alliterationer. Of course, the question of why demons should signify themselves by speaking exclusively in certain English language literary devices is still unexplained...go ask Alan Moore)

The most important reason, though, to stop having Etrigan speak in verse, not to put too delicate a point on it, is that...

MOST OF YOUR WRITERS ARE SIMPLY NOT VERY GOOD AT WRITING VERSE.

There, I said it. I'm not naming names or pointing fingers. But the vast, vast majority of the Demon's dialogue in the past 30 years has been painful to read. The crappy doggerel that passes for Etrigan's verse is distracting as you wait for the other shoe of the rhyme to drop, it usually ruins the flow of the comic, and, well, just it plain sucks.

I can't count the number of times I've been reading a DC comic, Etrigan shows up, and I sigh deeply and have to steel myself to continue, to will myself through the turgid, tortured and terrible word balloons to follow.

So please, DC, stop. Etrigan is potentially great character in the right hands, if only you'd stop forcing writers to slavishly follow one sentence from a 30-year-old comic book that no longer applies.

Thank you for your attention.