Bold Fashion Choices--Enough With The Chest Sparkles, Already!!

As I've mellowed in my old age, I've come to grudgingly accept most of the elements of Geoff Johns' Captain Marvel reboot--and that's a good thing, since the movie's trailer makes it appear that it will be virtually a direct panel-by-panel adaptation of that take.

But there's one thing I'm still hung up on:

That damn "magic crackle" in the lightning bolt on Marvel's chest is just too freakin' distracting.

Like most other nu52-era costume designs, the whole suit is a little too fiddly and armor-y--do we need metal boots and a oddly shaped metal belt?

And fine, he's magic-based. But that constant Rorschach-swirl of energy on his chest, and the constant flickering of lightning and smoke around him, constantly draws attention away from whatever we're supposed to be looking at in the panel. As I said, it's distracting as hell.

And that applies just as much to his foster-siblings when they power up:

I mean, look at that!

No wonder the first issue was delayed a week, and issue #2 has been bumped back 5 weeks (5--even before #1 comes out, you're more than 5 weeks behind?!?!?!!!). I pity the artist who is required to draw all that fiddle-faddle in every damn panel.

I mean, DC has taken what was one of the simplest, cleanest, most satisfying set of costume designs...

...and turned it into a light show that gets in the way, even during what should be a simple conversation:

And really, do we need Mary Marvel looking like an out of control Electro every time she uses her powers?

So DC, please, a little help here. Tone done the crackle and lightning--before you drive poor Dale Eaglesham to drink!

From Shazam! #1 (2019)

What. In. The. Hell. Were. They. Thinking?

Given the new trailer for the live-action Titans series, I decided to show off my awesome Microsoft Paint skills...

Yup, let's try to sell this weird streaming service that's going to be 98% things we already own by making Titans TV-MA, and making even the trailer "red band," fills with gratuitous violence and swears?

Seriously, is this Geoff Johns' legacy as former Chief Creative Officer??

I can't wait until their Sugar & Spike series...

Tales From The Quarter Bin--Swept Under The Rug!!

I know you kids are impressed by new and shiny things,but comic book companies were doing the "give away pamphlets full of features and solicitations" 30 years before DC Nation wandered into our Local Comic Shoppes:

Wait, what was that?

No, it wouldn't.

With hindsight, it's pretty amazing how forgotten Millennium is today.

Now, I'm not arguing that it was a successful story, or even a particularly good one.

But DC put a lot of effort into this event: a weekly main book!! Crossing over into virtually every single other DCU title (even those set 1000 years in the future), making what this preview called a "56-chapter novel"!! All of the big guns involved!! Universe-shaping consequences!!

Well, not so much that last one.

Sure, there have been 3 semi-boots and one full reboot since Millennium. But that hasn't stopped other events from being respected/canonized/fetishized by the modern keepers of the flame.

Despite getting the cover treatment here in Focus #1, there never seemed to be much institutional support from DC's upper echelon. The only real follow-up was the short-lived New Guardians series. Contrast with today, when we've already had 58 series spinning out of Metal (OK, it just seems like that many). DC management seemed to shrug even more than the fans.

Maybe it's because the "revelations" about who were the "secret Manhunters" in each title were so underwhelming--and frequently just plain cheating--that it made the "who was a Skrull" reveals in Secret Invasion look positively brilliant by comparison.

Or maybe it's because Millennium was followed almost immediately by a much, much better crossover event, Invasion, which made it pale by comparison.

Maybe it was because the promised outcome--the creation of a new set of Guardians Of The Universe and the creation of a new race of immortals and Earthling evolving to run the universe--never really happened.

And maybe, just maybe...

...the 80s weren't ready for a team this diverse?

Anyway, Millennium wasn't the only non-starter on the cover of Focus #1:

Oh, poor Focus...

Of course, I just paid 50¢ for a bit of advertising that was free in 1987, so i really shouldn't be mocking anyone...

Not As Elemental As Metamorpho, Not As Good A Shot As Green Arrow, Not...

You have to give DC house ads of the late 1960s one thing: they could be cheeky and self-aware as all get out:

Well, technically, that could apply to 99% of the people in the world, so it would be a pretty terrible Jeopardy answer (Who are 3 people who have never been in my kitchen, Alex?)

 So whom are we pushing today?

Oh, Plas...Even in one of the rare instances when DC was actually publishing you, they could only market you by telling everyone that you're not as good as their "real" heroes...

From Capt. Storm #17 (1967)

Manic Monday Triple Overtime--Quit Interrupting!!

A house ad from Capt. Storm #17 (1967):

Wow, B'wana Beast! There's a blast from the past! There's a lot we could talk about with--

Ahem! I was talking here.

Anyway, as I was saying--

Dudes! You're being kind of rude!! Could you let me finish a sent--

Damn, I hate pushy house ads.

DC--Use Them Or Lose Them!

As you no doubt ignored last week, I opined about Marvel wasting all of the Malibu and Crossgen characters that they owned but refused to do anything with.

Well, this week it's DC's turn.

Except the intellectual properties DC refuses to do anything with are their very own.

DC controls the vastest, deepest, and honestly most interesting collections of heroes ever assembled. Yet to get them to publish anything besides Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman seems a Sisyphean task.

It's now almost two years since Rebirth, and after all of the the shirt-rending (by the people in charge) about how someone (other than themselves) had forgotten all about legacy and DC's deep history, there's still no Legion Of Super-Heroes book. There's still no Justice Society book.

Heroes who have been mainstays of DC for nearly 80 years, and 60 years, languish in limbo. Hell, we just passed the 60th anniversary of the Legion's first appearance without a single commemoration from DC!

Yes, we were sorta kinda promised that these guys would be brought back by the storytelling magic of Rebirth. But it's all been a terrible, terrible tease.

In the two years after Rebirth, we've had, what, 3 panels in various comics suggesting that Saturn Girl is hiding in Arkham? We've had, what, 2 pages of apparently-senile Johnny Thunder rambling about not finding the lightning? That's it, over two years.

Now, if you believe the rumors (unconfirmed, but undenied), than DC wanted to sign a big-name writer, who wanted to do the Legion. But then they were told (allegedly) that no one could touch the Legion, or the JSA, until Geoff Johns was done with Doomsday Clock, the ludicrous and pointless DC/Watchmen crossover. And, as of this writing, there are still 8 bi-monthly issues of Doomsday Clock left to publish, well, we're not going to see Legion or JSA any time soon.

It's the height of stupidity, whatever the reason. The DC TV shows can bring in the JSA and the Legion...but the comics can't? Seriously, that's one of the more ridiculous situations in comics. It's even more ridiculous than Marvel's refusal to print a Fantastic Four comic because of some fit of pique.

DC's not in danger of losing the trademarks, as Marvel is with Malibu/Crossgen, because they continue to publish trades/omnibuses. That would seem to indicate some sort of public demand, right? But no comics, no new stories for the fans.

Meanwhile...

...don't get me started on DC's continued neglect of the Marvel Family...

Spoiler Saturday--Bendis Is Coming!!

For those DC fans who haven't had the pleasure yet, here's a heads-up on what to expect from Bendis:

His characters talk. A LOT. And then they talk some more.

I'm just saying, he's never found a panel he couldn't cram more word balloons into.

Let the countdown begin, Superman fans.

From Jessica Jones #18 (2018)

Why Are They Outside???

I'm a little late to the party with this one, but I still have questions.

This house ad ran back in November's DC issues, pushing their annual You Must Buy These As Christmas Gifts  Essential Reading List for graphic novels.

So, umm...

A) Are these guys locked out of the Hall of Justice, or what? Because yeah, they've got powers and insulated costumes...but damn, it's cold out there!

B) Do you really think longboxes could support Cyborg's weight?

C) Why exactly are their stacks of longboxes outside in the winter, anyway?

D) Leaving graphic novels lying in the snow?!? What kind of inhuman monsters are you guys?!!!?

E) What are the odds Batman smacks Flash for reading over his shoulder? Especially since there's another copy of the same book just lying in the snow 7 feet away?

Plus, I mean, does Barry reading over anyone's shoulder make any sense? Every nanosecond he's finished a page, and has to wait a relative eternity for the non-Speed Force reader to turn the damn page!!

F) Really, there's no way Finch could have drawn this scene indoors, so all the books would get ruined?!? No way you could convey "Christmas" that way?

G) Why the hell are graphic novels falling from the sky?

H) Superman's lack of red trunks is really front and center here--let's make Kal-El's area the focus of the scene!! Why?!? Why not?!?

I) Seriously...WHY ARE WE STACKING COMICS IN THE SNOW?!?!?!?

EXCLUSIVE--Rejected Script From DC's Doomsday Clock!!

As we all know, both the UN Security Council and the Illuminati have banned me from writing comic books.

Still, I feel compelled from time to time to try and sneak some things through the anti-snell firewall.

Case in point--DC's forthcoming Doomsday Clock, which will feature Geoff Johns giving every fan what they've always wanted: Alan's Moore's beloved Watchmen characters explaining why it's not Geoff John's fault that the nu52 sucked really hard.

On the sly, I submitted a script. Of course, despite a jaunty pseudonym, I couldn't disguise my writing style, and the script was swiftly rejected. And shredded. And burned.

Still, I had the foresight to save a copy. So here is a crucial scene from the 1st issue of my proposal for Doomsday Clock.

DOCTOR MANHATTAN: Behold, Kal-El, I have come to--

SUPERMAN: Hold on a second...you're just a Captain Atom knock-off!

RORSCHACH: Hrrrmmm.

BATMAN: And this guys just Travis Bickle meets The Question. Seriously, how can characters so derivative be a threat to our universe?

BOOSTER GOLD (whispers to SKEETS): Yeah, like those Metal "Dark Multiverse" Batmen weren't derivative...

OZYMANDIAS: I think you're underestimating the sheer genius I bring to the table!

BATMAN: Some genius. You kept your entire masterplan--unencrypted!!--on a computer with the password Ramses II. I mean, how stupid was that? Even the lame Nite Owl was able to crack that!

NITE OWL: Now wait just one--

FLASH: Who are you even supposed to be, anyway? Are you Batman, are you Blue Beetle...?

BOOSTER GOLD: I knew Ted Kord. I worked with Ted Kord. You, sir are no Ted Kord.

DOCTOR MANHATTAN: Listen, men of Earth-0. We successfully deconstructed the super-hero genre on our Earth, and now--

HAL JORDAN (Makes raspberry sound): Please. You had one person with super-powers in the entire universe. Even the earliest Golden Age publishers had more than that. All you "deconstructed" was the Charlton universe, and, well, there's a reason that failed multiple times!!

OZYMANDIAS: I think you're overlooking how brilliantly I manipulated the world into peace!!

SUPERMAN: Congratulations. You invented fake news. Well done. We already have enough of that here.

BATMAN: Don't forget the thousands and thousands of deaths he's responsible for. Which he conveniently didn't have to pay any price for.

RORSCHACH: Soon you will come to us for help. And we will look down and whisper--

FLASH: Don't you idiots realize that you're the villains? You're. The. Bad. Guys. You screwed up your tiny little universe with one planet and only one guy with powers. You couldn't handle even that much, so you took your world to the brink of annihilation, killing millions--and you want extra credit for that? Get bent.

DOCTOR MANHATTAN (clearing his throat loudly): A-HEM. As I was saying, we have come to... [drones on in background]

BATMAN (whispers to SUPERMAN): Keep him talking. My tachyon suit is almost ready. I'll take care of him.

BOOSTER GOLD: (whispering to SKEETS): Yeah, as long as Doc Manhattan doesn't have a mother named Martha...

Well, it just goes on like for 12 issues.

I wonder why they rejected it?

Spoiler Sunday--Why All Of The [REDACTED] Hatred, DC?!?

You've almost certainly heard by now, or at least heard the theories, about the identity of the mysterious "Mr. Oz," who has been manipulating events in the nu52/Rebirth DC Universe.

Well, surprise, surprise: I have some things to say about that revelation.

So, if you don't want to be spoiled, well, come back later.

SPOILERS begin of the 5 pictures of Oz...

Still there?

Well, there is no sense beating around the bush, is there? This week's Action Comics #987 reveals that Mr. Oz is:

OK, then.

Now, I'll grant any caveats you like: this is just the beginning of a 4-part story; it could easily turn out not to really be Jor-El; it could be a dude from an alternate universe or such; he could be a Dr. Manhattan experiment gone awry; yada yada.

Still, this seems likely to be one more example of DC's growing hatred of Krypton.

Look, I know there have always been Kryptonian bad guys. That's what the Phantom Zone is for. Every society has it's bad apples.

And Krypton was certainly not perfect--the stupid science council ignored Jor-El's warnings, for one thing.

But still, Krypton was always presented as, if not necessarily a utopia, at least a decent place. They were pretty much like us, just more advanced. Humans could travel to Krypton (via time travel) or to Kandor, and fit right in, and be accepted. It was a good place, that had a tragic ending.

But let's look at what DC has told us in the last few years:

**The first Rebirth arc of Justice League had the Kryptonian god Rao--yup, the actual Rao--as a villain. It's turns out Rao was a parasite, a demon who tried to turn everyone on Earth into a Kryptonian so he could absorb their energy.

**The Cyborg Superman--OK, look, there are two separate Cyborg Supermen running around the Rebirth universe right now, because DC is bereft of ideas. Anyway, the Cyborg Superman I'm talking about, who wants to destroy Earth (and pretty much anything not Kryptonian) is Zor-El, Supergirl's father (and Kal-El's uncle).

**The villains of DKIII? The Master Race? Kandorians. When their enlarged, they turn out to be evil dickweeds who want to take over Earth, or, failing that, blow it up.

**Prior to the nu52, of course, Kandor was also enlarged, and, surprise, they were dickweeds. Not evil per se, but arrogant pricks who pretty much hate humans and allow themselves to goaded into the "War Of The Supermen."

**H'el, a Kryptonian (of some sort), who was going to destroy the Earth in order to make a time warp that would allow him to keep Krypton from exploding in the first place.

**The Eradicator is back, and is a nationalist/racist asshole, wanting to destroy everything non-Kryptonian and recreate Krypton on Earth.

**The asteroid that made Vandal Savage immortal? It was from Krypton.

There are more examples, but I'm too lazy to look them up right now.

And so things have reached the point where it's plausible that Jor-El--JOR-EL!!--is a genocidal madman, essentially Eradicator 2.0, willing to bend time and space and destroy millions because...well, because humans suck:

We've seen him straight-up murder people, and imprison others who might interfere with his plans. And here's the half of the issues lenticular cover that represents him:

The House Of El symbol made up of corpses. How. Nice.

This is the state of Krypton in today's DC Universe--that, without too much cognitive dissonance, we can believe that Superman's dad is Darkseid Jr.

We are apparently supposed to seriously believe that Kal-El and Kara are the only good people from Krypton. That everyone else--including their parents!!--was xenophobic, genocidal maniacs who held any other life-form in contempt. That Krypton was a hellhole filled with assholes who would as soon wipe us out as look at us.

The question, of course, is why in the world DC has chosen this direction. Why make Krypton nothing but a source of evil, constantly bedeviling Earth? Why make half of Superman's heritage Kryptonian supremacists whose only function is to torment Kal-El and company? Why moot the tragedy of Krypton's destruction by positing that, well, they kind of deserved it?

What dramatic purpose is served by treating krypton this way? Is it just another manifestation of the misguided "heroes must suffer" mantra--just Superman's version of Flash's mother having to die for him to be a hero? Are the current creators so insecure that Kal-El would choose to defend Earth that they have to make his other home look indefensible in contrast?!?

I just don't get it.

The Sad State Of Medical Care In The DC Universe?!?

It's just another day in Metropolis, and some thieves are trying to steal...

Man. I thought Metropolis--and DC Earth in general--was supposed to be maybe a little bit more advanced than us.

But they're still having problems with a disease we wiped out 40 years ago? Chalk up one for Earth-Us.

Maybe it was space smallpox? Or Luthor's attempt to mutate a kryptonite-based smallpox to take out Superman got out?? Or...?

From Action Comics #987 (2017)

The Best Covers You've Never Seen--Wow Comics #39 (1945) & #42 (1946)!

Oh, my...

Obviously, artist Jack Binder loved Mary Marvel as much as I do.

DC--what the hell are you doing not publishing Mary Marvel!!!

Spoiler Saturday--When Batman Became Axe Cop?!?

OK, this is going to spoil Dark Knights: Metal #1 a bit, so maybe come back later if you haven't read it yet.

Spoilers commence after the 5 pictures of metal...

Still here?

As you know, I haven't exactly been thrilled with DC's use of Batman the past few years.

Yes, there's room for many possible interpretations of the character. Yes, there's a place for Justice League Batman and International Man Of Mystery Batman and what have you.

But lately, that's all we get, as street-level crime-fighting has been as non-existent in the Bat-titles as thought balloons. It seems each and every Batman story has to involve a city-level extinction event now (or larger!), as bank robberies and organized crime are too low-rent for everyone's favoritest hero. Sad fact: if today's Batman were around in Bruce Wayne's youth, his parents still would have died, because this Batman has no time for mere muggers. No, it's so much cooler and true to the concept that he's killing Darkseid or beating the crap out of Superman or knocking out Solomon Grundy with one punch.

It's almost as if his current adventures are being dreamed up by children, in ever-escalating flights of imagination to make Batman progressively bigger and tougher and badd-asser in a upwards spiral of silliness.

Maybe I'm overthinking this? Sure.

But then again, there's this week's Dark Knights: Metal #1, which reveals the ultimate plot for the latest DC crossover:

Yes, Batman is now the most important being in the multiverse. 

Or, as a 6-year old might describe the plot:

There's this other multiverse, but it's worse because it's the DARK multiverse, and Batman is so cool and tough that he became every hero in this DARK multiverse because he's much better than other heroes but somehow OUR Batman is so badass that he never turned evil, oh, and somehow every special piece of metal that ever existed in the DC Universe is connected and is really from the DARK multiverse and that's what every hero got their powers from and now all those EVIL Bat-heroes are coming to our multiverse to kill everybody and we're going to have an event-within-the-event called "Bats Out Of Hell" because that's so awesome and this event is going to be so cool and at the end every one of our heroes will be beaten but OUR Batman is so super-special and awesome that he'll beat the evil ALL BY HIMSELF!!!!

Yes, that's an entirely accurate description of Dark Nights: Metal (except for the last bit, which is just guesswork on my part, but Scott Snyder is writing it, so you know that's how it will end). And yeah. in it's own demented, throw-in-everything-including-the-kitchen-sink way, it'll be fun.

But it's still not my Batman...and somewhere in Gotham, a kid just got killed by an out-of-control getaway car, because Bruce was too busy being the most important person in the multiverse to notice.