Manic Monday Triple Overtime--British Reality Shows Are The BEST Reality Shows!!

Well, I never suspected that things were so swingin' at Scotland Yard!

No wonder Lestrade could never solve the case!! Too busy kissin'!!

In the office of Inspector Ronald Kirk (who is pretty clearly an ancestor of one James T. Kirk);

Hey!!

Yes?!?

Well, that was a pretty good guess, Inspector.

But it turns out that it's a lucky thing you didn't let her kiss you.

YOW!! Kiss 'em and then pretend to kill 'em? That's my kind of show!!

Except the "pretend" part wasn't so pretend!

HOLY SCHNIKES!!

Kirk tracks down the other potential victims. Two are saved, but sadly...

Man, I love reality TV!!

Of course, the whole bit about this being a publicity stunt for a TV show would have been more believable if there had actually been, you know, publicity...camera men, photographers, anything?!?

Because it's not actually a good mystery. As we just saw, even if they succeeded, the girls are going to wake up and tell the police who sent them. Which leaves the bad guy just one out--murder his twin brother, making it look like suicide, while he hides in the closet. No, really.

So, terrible mystery, poorly planned crime--but gosh darn, what a reality show!! Someone let FOX know!!

From Mysteries Of Scotland Yard #1 (a.k.a. as A-1 #121) (1954)

The Importance of Proper Typographical Alignment!!

It's time for some adventures with...

That's actual police detective, don't you know, not private.

Anyway, Lucky is hanging around a construction site (don't ask), when she finds a piece of paper that has blown out of an open window across the street.

Well! That's pretty important.

She disguises herself as a messenger girl, and goes to the office in question:

Ho ho, lawyer jokes are eternally funny!

But there doesn't seem to be a murder going on...

Ah, but there is a plot to commit a murder!

Using a machine gun to kill Mayor Murdock? (No, not Matt Murdock...)

Well, Lucky puts the kibosh on those plans!!

But where the hell did that paper come from?

D'oh!!

Gee, if it weren't for the totally unnecessary and incorrect exclamation point, and the unconscionably poor text alignment of the first line, Lucky never would have been fooled into preventing a murder!!

And I'm the one who's not allowed to write comics?

From The Saint #1 (1947)

The Least Hardboiled P.I. Ever!!

Hey, kids, it's time for another adventure with...

See, when WWII ended, Alan Armstrong, the Spy Smasher, was without a job...because obviously, there was no need to smash spies during the cold war!

So Fawcett simply changed him to Crime Smasher, and made him a private detective, to leap aboard the growing crime comic craze.

But Alan was not your typical Sam Spade type...

Awww...

Well, Armstrong gets sidetracked into investigating Killer King, and manages to make an escape. But not in a particularly hard-nosed way...

WHEEEEE!!!!

Anyway, he eventually catches King, and collects the reward. But he still has a case to solve...

Awww....

From Crime Smasher #1 (1948), as reprinted in Badge Of Justice #22 (1955)

When Venus Attacks P.I.s!!

Look, I know it's tough to come up with multiple stories every month for your private detective comic book.

So sometimes, things get weird:

You got sci-fi in my hard-boiled detective story!!

Well, Ken Shannon has bills to pay, so...

OK, so you're going to humor the crazy guy.

But how you you go about pretending to find hidden Venusians?

OMG, that idea is actually half brilliant!!

I suppose in the pre-internet days, that was actually not a bad way to soak up all of Earth's information. I might mention...a) just to to the library. They probably already subscribe to those magazine, have back issue archives...and it's free! b) Would you really want to subscribe to every periodical published? I mean, how are Playboy or Angling Times going to help you take over the world??

Anyway, it turns out that the list of people who subscribe to every periodical published is surprisingly large!

Oh, Ken, you're not done with this case yet!

Wait!! 5 privates dicks have been killed on this case?!?!

Don't worry, we'll come back to it.

Well, the first two addresses prove to be dead ends. And Shannon comes back to find Dee Dee and Pinchot taken.

Taken by...

Ah, but wait for the M. Night Shyamalan twist!

WHAT THE LIVING HELL?!?!?!?!?!?!?

So, OK...he comes the twist to the twist...

Wait a minute...

I have too many questions:

So, a batch of people escaped from an asylum, and they all have the exact same delusion? 

So, where do escaped asylum inmates get 6 or 7 matching alien costumes?!?

So, where does an asylum escapee get $3,000 in cash?

So, one private investigator was killed, and four went "missing"--and we can probably assume they were killed, too--why the hell weren't the police already all over this case? I mean, I know all 1950s P.I.s are rugged loners and such, but someone has to notice that they're missing, right?

So, this group of escaped lunatics is a bunch of mass murderers...and nobody really seems concerned?

I mean, Arkham and Gotham aren't this bad!!

Anyway...

Man, this story had better be adapted into an episode of Jessica Jones for season 3...

From Ken Shannon #10 (1953)