Gaze Upon Bruce's Ass, Ye Mighty, And Despair!!

How to relax after stopping a crime?

Why, there's nothing like a rousing game of handball, followed by basking under ultra-violet lights!

But then...

Wait a minute...

Wait a minute...

You will never unsee that.

Let's not forget Dick:

Goddamn, Wertham was right...

From World's Finest Comics #59 (1952), as reprinted in Batman Annual #3 (1962)

Batman--Year Zero?!?

In case you were wondering what Bruce Wayne's college major was...

And that was only his sophomore year!! (And a pretty slow day in Gotham sports news, apparently)

If only that damned bat hadn't crashed through his window, we could have had Slingshot Man!!

From World's Finest Comics #59 (1952), as reprinted in Batman Annual #3 (1962)

The Trial of Lois Lane Part VI--What, You Thought That She Would Hire Matt Murdock?!?

Lois Lane "accidentally" drove her car off the Gotham Bridge, leaving Lana Lang to drown in the wreckage!!

So she's in jail, awaiting her murder trial!! But Superman hasn't even come to visit her yet?!?

Nope...

Oh, I won't make you wait:

Uhhh...is Batman a member of the bar? Does he have any legal expertise whatsoever? Is this really a good idea?

Oh, and...

...Where is Superman?!?

From Lois Lane #99 (1970)

So, How Does A Playboy Get Custody Of An Orphan, Anyway?

Bruce Wayne has been Dick Grayson's guardian for a a few years now...but it turns out that Dick has some living relatives!

And guess want? George and Clara want custody!

Well, it ends up going to court, where, surprisingly, some people believe that a playboy bachelor might not be the best parental figure for an impressionable young lad!

"Cafe society?!?"

Well, things get very sad at Wayne Manor...

...very, very sad...

Life goes on, but without Robin...Batman just hasn't the will to fight crime very well!

But fortunately, Dick managed to sneak out, and restore Bruce's reason to live!

Sounds like true love, guys.

Now, I know that you're thinking that George and Clara are imposters, or some other DC trick.

NO!! They're real, all right...but not necessarily good:

All sorts of hi-jinks ensue, involving gangsters kidnapping everybody, and Alfred rescuing them all with one of Penguin's trick umbrellas, etc.

We end up back in court, where the judge is none to pleased with the non-flying Graysons:

But wait...Bruce is still a wastrel playboy, right?

Oh, well, if Batman says it's OK....

By the way--I know it's 70 years and many reboots later...But George and Clara are still out there!! Dick Grayson has living relatives who are total scumballs!! There's gotta be a story in there somewhere!

From Batman #20 (1943), as reprinted in Batman Family #10 (1977).

How To Save Print News Media, World's Finest Style!!

Like much of print journalism these days, the Gotham Gazette is in serious financial trouble:

But here's one solution--find a billionaire "angel" to solve your problems!

But...

Bruce Wayne, if you're so worried, you could just BUY the newspaper--and as it's about to shut down, you could probably get it for pennies on the dollar.

Also, if raising circulation is the concern, I would think that Bruce Wayne could easily "arrange" an exclusive interview with Batman, a ride-along in the Batmobile...you know, all the stuff that works so well for the Daily Planet.

And speaking of the Planet...Bruce reaches out to Clark Kent for help, because apparently there are no competent reporters in Gotham. But there's no way Perry White would agree to loan out his star reporters, right? Unless you use reverse psychology:

I guess the Planet will just publish recipes or something for the next 30 days...

But there's even more trouble in Gotham!

And what kind of editor is Lois?

Total tyrant.

Fortunately, Superman and Batman manage to track down that big crime scoop...but how to get the paper out in time?

So, all's well that ends well!

That's the way to save modern newspapers--get a billionaire to steal top talent from other cities' papers, and use non-union labor to distribute your papers!!

From World's Finest #80 (1956), as reprinted in World's Finest #188 (1969)

Spoiler Saturday--The Enormous Generosity Of Bruce Wayne!!

So, what does Gotham do with "normal" criminals?

"Halfway House For The Halfway Corrupt"???

Oh, but that's not the limit of the Wayne beneficence...

$20?!? Damn, Bruce, that will certainly ensure that someone would never again take up a life of crime!!

Twenty bucks?!?!?!?!

Hey, a billionaire stays a billionaire by being thrifty!

From Batman '66 #9

How Bruce Wayne Deals With A Crisis, Or, The Batman Doesn't Sit, Eh?

"Crisis" obviously means different things to different people.

But perhaps Bruce Wayne has been letting the playboy lifestyle get to him a little bit.

Clark Kent has been chosen to give a special reward to Superman, which, of course, is impossible. So the plan was for Bruce Wayne to impersonate Clark during the ceremony.

Unfortunately...

Yes. A "crisis." Obviously. Sitting back, legs on the footstool, chillin' with your mask off...it must be a deep and urgent crisis. One that doesn't require you getting off your ass...

Yup. Waaaay too busy too help you out, best friend. "Sorry...crisis, you know. Good luck preserving that whole secret identity thing, all right?"

Batman--laziest hero ever.

By the way, "Clark" seems flustered because that's not really Clark Kent, but an evil scientist who has switched faces with Kent. Because comics. So good job, Bruce, you almost blew both your identities because of your "crisis."

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a crisis that requires Netflix, Doritos, and lounging in my pajamas all day.

From Action Comics #453 (1975)

Same As The Old Metropolis

An odd meeting is going on at Galaxy Communications...

NEW Metropolis?

Wait--Bruce Wayne is building "New Metropolis"??? In heaven's name, why?

So, wait...Bruce Wayne is building New Metropolis right next to "old" Metropolis, to "empty the ghettos" and "siphon off excess population"?!? Talk about the ultimate gentrification plan!! Old Metropolis keeps all the desirable residents, the dregs go to New Metropolis? (And what, you can't come up with a better name?)

This is just some pie-in-the-sky type deal, though right? It's not actually going to actually happen, is it?

You've already raised a billion? That's in 1976 $, people...

One might think that Bruce's "build a new city to put all the riff raff in" planning might have start with, oh, I don't know, Gotham City.

Then again, after Man Of Steel, they probably need a New Metropolis pretty badly...

From World's Finest #235 (1976). This story involves real estate fraud, telepaths, carny geeks, Superman reading the news on WGBS, and actual ghosts in Smallville cemeteries. Bob Haney, folks.