When You Combine Civil War 2 & Planet Of The Apes, We All Win!!

This post that you're about to read...well, it just may change you're mind about Superman, and re-think everything you know about movie blockbusters, and...well, you'll see.

Some members of the Time Patrol have arrived in the present day, asserting that Superman will become evil in the near future, and go on to destroy the 40th century!

So they go all Minority Report/Civil War II, and convince Batman and Robin to capture Superman, and put him on trial for pre-crimes before the United Nations!!

And what a testimony it is!!

Uh-oh!

Yup, that's evil, all right!

But the worst is yet to come!

Wait--what was it? What happened?!?!

And Batman, how could you betray your buddy?!?!

YYECCHHH!!!

And what was so terrible?!?!

Yes, future evil-Superman will create the Planet Of The Apes!!!!!!!

That may be the best sentence that I have ever written.

Well, the court allows Superman to fly to the future to check it out for himself:

Which means, conclusively and 100% canonically:

Superman: "I will turn the Earth into a world of apes!"

OMG, this is the best story ever!!

Well, that's it, folks, we now know the sad future of Superman, and...

What? This is a Silver Age story? There's a big twist coming? Oh I doubt--

Never mind.

See, it was all a plot by Brainiac and Luthor to trick Batman into giving Superman a kryptonite lobotomy, except they would secretly substitute Luthor's Maligno-Ray for the laser, so Kal-El would really turn evil and join the two for a reign of terror through time and space.

Yes, that was their plan.

[Please, please PLEASE don't ask how Superman and Batman sussed out the villains' disguise. Please. Just don't.]

But, if it was all a hoax, what did Superman and Batman actually see on their trip to the 40th century?!?

Wait....

You're burying the lead here, guys--in the 2000 years from now, they'll still be churning out Planet Of The Apes movies!! I imagine two blocks over, they're making Transformers CCCIX!

Which leads us to the the most fantastical thing of all:

People in the DC Universe actually liking and respecting super-heroes?!?!?!? What a bunch of naive fools...

From World's Finest Comics #183 (1969)

Even Super-Genius Computer Brains Come Up With Dumbass Plans!!

Yesterday, we saw that Supergirl took her ex-boyfriends to a mausoleum inside a giant mechanical space dragon and turned them into stone statues. No, honestly!

So what really going on?

Well, we've got to start on one of those space-prison planets:

Yes, Kimor had quite the way with the ladies...

Well, that's just what Brainiac was looking for!!

He stages a jailbreak for Kimor...why?

Ah, the old "domination over the emotional responses of the female sex" plan!!

So, Brainiac transfers Kimor's irresistability into his robot (and then blasts Kimor into space!) Why?

OK, you probably think that you know what Brainiac's plan was. Trust me, you don't!!

Kimor enrolls at Stanhope University as "Kim," and proceeds to use his "charms" on Linda Danvers...

...and Supergirl:

Yup, no one can resist Kimor.

But what's the point?

Fortunately, in this era, we still had thought balloons. SO let's let Brainiac thinkslpain to us:

So.

That's a plan, I guess. Make her fall in love with a robot, have the robot "commit suicide" because of her, so she'll blame herself for his death and quit being Supergirl. (Apparently, unlike the Man Of Steel movie, in this universe, you don't get your first killing for free).

Well, there's absolutely no way that plan could have gone wrong.

Except...

Kimor pulled a switch, and posed as his own robot duplicate...

...and Supergirl sussed out that Kim was working for Brainiac, so she turned the "suicide rendezvous" into the "I petrify all of my ex-boyfriends" ploy, to draw Brainiac out.

Because in the Silver Age, the only proper response to a villain's insane and unlikely plan is to come up with an even more unlikely and more insane plan of your own!!

From Adventure Comics #388 & 389 (1970)

Manic Monday Bonus--Well, At Least Brainiac-5 Didn't Use Hitler's Brain to Make Computo!!

Brainiac-5 Walter Jackson is trying to invent the world's greatest computer brain, Computo Cerebex!

A mysterious woman comes to warn them of the danger...

So wait...the giant computer will have Hitler's Schmackenberg's brain?!? AIEEE!!!

A giant thinking machine that has tentacles...that's not familiar at all...

Nope, don't recognize it...

Oh, no, it killed Triplicate Girl Don!

Oh, no, it rebelled against it's creator!!

Man, that seems so familiar...

Nope, not seeing the resemblance at all.

Even the Air Force is helpless against Computo Cerebex:

But he's not done yet!!

Geez...

So, things aren't looking good for humanity.

We try building our own robot to tackle Cerebex...

But that doesn't work so well.

Fortunately, we humans are more clever than we seem...

Yay!!! Earth is saved!! (And Charles Xavier smacks himself in the forehead, asking, "Why didn't we ever try that on Magneto?!?")

Sadly, the lesson wouldn't be learned, as a mere 1100 years later, Brainiac-5 would make the same damn mistake. History does repeat itself (or comic book ideas are borrowed...)

From Planet Comics #73 (1953). That gorgeous robot art is by Bill Benulis.