Bold Fashion Choices--Enough With The Chest Sparkles, Already!!

As I've mellowed in my old age, I've come to grudgingly accept most of the elements of Geoff Johns' Captain Marvel reboot--and that's a good thing, since the movie's trailer makes it appear that it will be virtually a direct panel-by-panel adaptation of that take.

But there's one thing I'm still hung up on:

That damn "magic crackle" in the lightning bolt on Marvel's chest is just too freakin' distracting.

Like most other nu52-era costume designs, the whole suit is a little too fiddly and armor-y--do we need metal boots and a oddly shaped metal belt?

And fine, he's magic-based. But that constant Rorschach-swirl of energy on his chest, and the constant flickering of lightning and smoke around him, constantly draws attention away from whatever we're supposed to be looking at in the panel. As I said, it's distracting as hell.

And that applies just as much to his foster-siblings when they power up:

I mean, look at that!

No wonder the first issue was delayed a week, and issue #2 has been bumped back 5 weeks (5--even before #1 comes out, you're more than 5 weeks behind?!?!?!!!). I pity the artist who is required to draw all that fiddle-faddle in every damn panel.

I mean, DC has taken what was one of the simplest, cleanest, most satisfying set of costume designs...

...and turned it into a light show that gets in the way, even during what should be a simple conversation:

And really, do we need Mary Marvel looking like an out of control Electro every time she uses her powers?

So DC, please, a little help here. Tone done the crackle and lightning--before you drive poor Dale Eaglesham to drink!

From Shazam! #1 (2019)

Bold Fashion Choices--The Worst Of Both Worlds!!

If you want to impress the Super Friends,trying combining the costume of The Phantom with the costume of Kraven The Hunter!

No, it's not just the cover taking liberties:

Hey, Menagerie Man:

A) If you're going to have a large M on your chest, why have it partially obscured by your leopard-kini?

B) Why is it just M on your chest but MM on your belt buckle? Pick one and commit, bro!

Still, you can't argue with his mustache game!

The Atom finally takes cares of "The Fashion Disaster That Walks":

From Super Friends #6 (1977)

Bold Fashion Choices--When Namor Covers Up Too Much!!

Look, I'm usually the first one to suggest that heroes running around near nekkid "put on some damn clothes."

I usually gave Namor a pass--he really pulled off the "nothing but green chain-mail trunks" look.

But Bill Everett himself would play around with different looks for the fish guy in the early days, including this:

Not a hoax, not an illusion, not some formal Atlantean occasion or such. This is what the Sub-Mariner actually wore on his adventures for a few issues.

By the way, we all need to be constantly reminded that Dorma and other "normal" Atlanteans looked as freaky as hell back then:

YOW!! 

Oh, did I mention that Namor's outfit comes with a mask--which he wears for no reason at all?

What the hell...

Dorma wore the same outfit, by the way, so none of this can be put down to Namor's hybrid/mutant status.

Yup, even when he's swimming...

...or driving a golf cart underwater "sea-plane"...

...Namor wears the damned mask.

But he still gets results!

Oh, and don't forget...

DORMA'S EYES CAN SEE INTO YOUR SOUL!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

From Marvel Mystery Comics #14 (1940)

Bold Fashion Choices--What's With The Masks, Super-Villains?

So, why do super-villains wear masks?

No, seriously.

I mean, heroes I get. You still have secret identities, loved ones to protect, etc.

But villains? Part of the premise of comics--reinforced by the Comics Code--is that the hero wins. Which means the villains lose. And are usually incarcerated.

Which means they're arrested. And fingerprinted. And tried. And jailed (or committed). And even if they're found not guilty, all of that is still part of the public record!

Which means their "secret identities" are public knowledge. Everyone--especially the police and the super-heroes--already knows who they are.

So, for example:

Poor Eddie Nigma has been arrested about a million times. He's been sent to prison and/or Arkham more times than we can count. Everyone knows who he is already. So why the mask?

Ditto Selina Kyle.

She almost always wears a mask.Yet it's no mystery who she is. In the Golden/Silver Age, she was caught and sent to jail quite often. Batman knows who she is. The police know who she is. So what's the point of the mask...other than fashion? Does she really think that Batman will go, "Robin, we can't be sure who that feline-attired burglar is behind the mask this time?"

Sure, sometimes there are utilitarian reasons why you wear the mask. I'm sure Captain Cold would tell you the glasses protect his eyes from the cold he's always projecting.

I'm sure Scarecrow would tell you his mask is doubly utilitarian, both to project fear, and to protect himself from the latest version of fear gas he's spewing.

Of course, there's always the case of villains who haven't been publicly unmasked yet--they still have identities to maintain. Hell, they can still try to maintain plausible deniability, even after Pulitzer Prize reporting identified them! So, yeah, masks make sense, then.

Not to mention, of course, that when others subsequently adopt the identity, it allows for confusion and mystery...

Of course, there are the guys trying to cover up...umm...appearance problems, not identities.

But these 12 time losers?

What's their excuse?

I suppose you could give us a 21st century excuse that technology--cybernetic circuitry in their mask/headgear--allows them to operate their stuff, I guess...?

Or maybe they just think it looks really cool.

As for this guy? Why he wears a mask?

You've gotta ask Kirby...

Bold Fashion Choices--Catwoman's Late 1960s Disasters!!

Catwoman has always had quite a variety of costumes...

No problem there. A woman's gonna have a 70+ year career, she can't wear the same thing every single day!

But that chart is sadly incomplete, as they kind of skip over a couple of her 1960s outfits.

For example:

What the what now?

Green?? Green?!? And what is that material--is it chain mail?

And the not-very-concealing mask...

Geez, Selina, no wonder Batman turned down your proposal this issue.

Don't worry, in a couple of years, Selina was back...but not necessarily better than ever:

Now, that Neal Adams cover does a fair job of diminishing that costume's flaws...

But there is a thin line between sexy empowering costume and I-wanna-be-a-server-at Playboy-Mansion chessecake, and this costume smashes through that line.

And then there's the eyes...

What the hell is up with the mask that makes you look like you're constantly cross-eyed?

Of for those of you who can't stop quoting Edna Mode's "No capes!" as gospel...

What do you thing she'd say about unnecessary decorative tails?

Of course, when you get a bevy of ladies wearing the outfit...

...Batman is not going to complain!!

OK, maybe he will complain...

And don't forget--9 Catwomen means 9 sets of those eyes!!

Catwoman in the 60s--TV show aside, a fashion disaster!

From Batman #197 (1967) and #210 (1969)

Bold Fashion Choices--"I Am The Law--Of The Catwalk!!"

What, you say that it's about time Mega-City One updated it's judges' uniforms?

Be careful what you ask for...

Yup, it's unveiling day for the new, sentient suits--and FASHION!!

And of course, Judge Dredd gets to be the guinea pig.

Yeah, the suit, aside from looking marvelous, let's him dodge bullets!!

Run scans in the field!!

Make...fashion critiques?!?

Uh-oh...

Soon the suit decides to go on a little bit of a fashion rampage!

Um, that's the same reasoning Judge Death uses to justify killing all the living, dumb suit!!

The "nano-sentient" uniform abandons Dredd...

...Dredd has to borrow so clothes from a helpful citizen...

Anyway, Dredd blows the disobedient colthes to little bits.

The moral of our story?

From 2000 AD #1610 (2008)