Showing posts with label Bad Cover Blurbs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bad Cover Blurbs. Show all posts

Saturday, December 2, 2017

The Best Cover You've Never Seen--DC Superstars #15 (1977

A tale so big, a regular war comic couldn't hold it:

Yes, seeing Joe Kubert draw the living hell out of Sgt. Rock and the Unknown Soldier disguised as Sgt. Rock fighting over Mlle. Marie while Nazi missiles stand erect in the background just might be the most Freudian thing you've seen all week.

The cover blurb's a total lie, though--neither one wants to kill Marie. Rather, she desperately wants to kill the Unknown Soldier, because he had deliberately sacrificed the lives of her fellow French freedom fighters in order to preserve his own mission. Nice guy.

Anyway...

"Battle Doll of the French Underground"?!?!

Keep heapin' those corpses high, Bob Kanigher. Keep heapin' 'em high.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

The Worst Cover You've Never Seen--Wonder Woman #159 (1966)

I mean, just look at this thing:

It's not Ross Andru & Mike Esposito's fault, obviously--it's whoever decided to cram the right side of the cover with more verbiage than a Chris Claremont X-Men panel.

And what's with the multiple references to secret origins and the Golden Age? Well, there's a story there...

After taking over writing Wonder Woman from William Moulton Marsten, Robert Kanigher's run had become increasingly nuts, even by Silver Age standards. Wonder Tot cavorting with genies, Wingo the Bird-Boy, alien suitors, and, well, this:

Sigh...

Ah, but in that issue, the second feature was one of the oddest damn things you've ever read.

Wonder Woman is panicking about upcoming changes Kanigher is making to the book--yes, we're going completely meta here:

Kanigher is willing to take some swipes at himself (as well as fans who were displeased with his work):


Anyway, it turns out that Kanigher is planning to "fire" most of the supporting cast:


So, what's going to happen now..?


And so Kanigher addresses the masses:

So, from now on, Wonder Woman stories would be set in the Golden Age! They'd be retellings of her origins, and her first meetings with her classic villains!

Now that, in and of itself, isn't completely unusual. Just a few months earlier, Marvel had decided to set Captain America's feature in Tales Of Suspense in WWII, starting with a retelling of his origin. One gets the sense that creators weren't entirely sure what to do with Golden Age characters in the Silver Age.

But the Wonder Woman example goes even further, as Andru and Esposito were directed to make the artwork look as if the stories were actually produced in the Golden Age!! Take a look at these pages from #163:


Wild, huh?

This also created some confusion and continuity problems, as it had already been established by DC that it was the Earth-2 Wonder Woman who had been active in WWII. Furthermore, the "new Golden Age" stories weren't consistent with what was established as Wonder Woman-2's history. It was confusing, and pretty much no one liked it.

So, after a handful of issues, we were suddenly back to this:

Sigh...

Honestly, the "Emma Peel" Wonder Woman couldn't come fast enough...

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Not Your ordinary Dungeon?!?

Here's the cover to Astonishing #4 (1951):

Wait, what's that caption again?

Oh, so just an "ordinary," every day dungeon!!

They led more exciting lives in the 1950s...Me, I have yet to see dungeon #1...

Monday, July 13, 2015

Manic Monday Triple Overtime--The Worst Pun In The History Of Comic Book Covers!!

I apologize for this...

...but some things are so painful that they must be shared:

"Bison-tennial."

Sigh...

From Batman Family #6 (1976)

Thursday, April 30, 2015

The Lyingest Marvel Cover Of All Time--Marvel Monsters: Devil Dinosaur #1!

Well, lookie what the Quarter Bin bringeth forth:

Well, that's definitely worth four bits!!

But what does that cover blurb say?

"The first appearance of the Hulk"?!?! Sure, we've all read it a million times, but the heck, right? Lay it on us, comic book!!

Slow clap.

Well played, Marvel Monsters: Devil Dinosaur #1. Well played.

Grumble grumble Xemnu the Living Titan grumble grumble demand a refund grumble grumble...

Thursday, March 12, 2015

The Worst Cover You've Never Seen--Man-Thing #11 (1981)

Even at their most cloyingly self-indulgent, DC's "Earth-Prime" stories never produced anything like this:

Danny Fingeroth earns a place in the Bad Cover Blurb Hall Of Fame here. The self-deprecating, faux-cursive "Oh pity me" captions, the needless shout-out to X-Men's popularity...man, the "hey, look at me" factor here is off the charts.

The cover is penciled and inked by Bob Wiacek, and none of this is his fault. It's a pretty good cover, until someone decided that, since it was the last issue, let's break that 4th wall in the most ridiculous and attention diverting way possible. Because it's funny when an editor detracts from a book in order to show off how "meta" he can be.

Yuck.

Monday, January 5, 2015

Manic Monday Bonus--They Don't Make Covers Like This One Anymore!

Cover idea least likely to be reused in 2015:

 And we are all poorer for that fact...


Bill Battle, The One-Man Army #3 is from 1953

Monday, December 8, 2014

Manic Monday--The 3,377th Bowel-Emptying Post On Slay Monstrobot!

When issue #1 of Weird War Tales came out in 1971, it had a nice little banner across the top:

Fair enough. You're allowed to trumpet a first issue, right?

And then came #2...

OK, OK, you're trying too hard, perhaps.

And then came issue #3, and the adjectives:



Gut-Gripping? Scalp-Tingling? Mind-Boggling? I wish they had kept that up all the way through #124, the final issue, just to see all the eye-catching phrases they would come up with.

But they stopped that the next issue, in favor of a more generic DC booster...

...but our long national nightmare was not over, as a more sedate version appeared on the cover of #7...

..then vanished again, and then turned up one last time on #10...

...and then truly was gone, never to be seen again.

I'm not what the idea behind this was...did they really expect some kid at the newsstand to go, "Hey, Billy, look, it's the TENTH issue--let's grab it!!"?? Was it Joe Kuberts's idea--he was book editor for the first 7 issues, when Joe Orlando took over--abandoned after he left as editor?

Not a big thing, just one of the billion curious little things about comic books...

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Stan Needed To Recharge His Thesaurus!

For 3 consecutive issues in 1970...



Spider-villains did an awful lot of coming.

I'm just sayin'.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

The Worst Cover You've Never Seen--Wonder Woman #159!

There are bad covers, and there are BAD covers.

This is one of the latter:

Yes, let's show someone unknown (and not an interesting unknown, even) cover our hero's mouth while we fill over half of the cover with caption after caption after caption after caption.

It might be the ultimate case of tell don't show. Did they really think this would make an attractive cover on the newsstand?

Ah, well, at least it's unexpurgated...

Meanwhile, there are some other covers from the era that I think would make groovy plots for a (very, very hypothetical) Wonder Woman movie:




And especially this one:

I'd buy a ticket for a film with any of those plots....

Monday, March 31, 2014

Manic Monday Bonus--When A 30-Ton Tank Isn't Enough...

Not that I dare to quibble with a 1970s supernatural war anthology title...

...but they needed to work a little harder on their captions...

...because you don't need a supernatural element to make a 30-ton tank "death." Even in the muggle war world, a 30-ton tank will kill you just fine.

It's a pretty lame cover blurb, is what I'm saying.

War Is Hell #10 is from 1974

Thursday, September 26, 2013

The Lyingest Cover In Marvel Comics History--Marvel Feature #8!!

Oh, for the glory days when Marvel published well nigh unto infinite number comics that had Marvel in the title: Marvel Premiere, Marvel Spotlight, Marvel Super-Heroes, Marvel Triple Action, Marvel Spectacular, Marvel Adventure, Marvel Chillers, Marvel Double Feature, Marvel Presents, Marvel Tales, Marvel's Greatest Comics...I could go on and on. Sure, most of them devolved into reprint books, but it was Marvel, Marvel everywhere!

Oh, yeah, and then there was Marvel Feature:

This was the first volume of Marvel Feature, that started out by debuting The Defenders, and ended up launching Marvel Two-In-One. In between? Ant-Man.

Oh, the cover itself isn't technically a lie. It accurately portrays that the insides feature a Dreaded Deadlin Doom-required reprint of the Wasp's origin story from Tales To Astonish #44 (1963). (And when you couldn't make deadline in a bi-monthly comic? Sheesh, Craig Russell was born 40 years too early, as today that would be considered a great pace for a superstar artist!) So kudo to an accurate cover.

The premise of this series, though, that was a bit of a lie: Henry Pym was trapped at tiny size, and didn't have his ant-controlling helmet. So he had to go all "Power Of The Atom" against full-sized foes such as Egghead, Whirlwind, and mean cats. Still, even though he wasn't being much of an Ant-Man, back in the day you probably couldn't call him "Dr. Pym," so I'll give 'em a pass on the title.

Still, this cover is one of the Lyingest Covers In Marvel Comics History. Why?

There has never been a heralded Ant-Man spectacular, let alone a most-heralded Ant-Man Spectacular.

Hiiii----yoooooooo!!

Marvel Feature #8 is from 1973

Monday, January 7, 2013

Manic Monday--Hope You Guess My Name

There are some interestingly named villains...and then there's this guy:

Let's take a closer look...

Man, there's no villain name quite like a barbarian villain name, is there??

Seriously, I'd like to get that on my business card:

Mahan K'Handa
Man-Worm Master Of The 7th Void

Claw The Unconquered #8 is from 1976 (duh)

Monday, December 31, 2012

Manic Monday Bonus--Spelling Problems

If you know me at all, you know that instead of focusing on the pretty cover art...

...I'm just going to obsess on the cover blurb:

OK, I may not be a big shot comic book writer or editor, but I'm fairly certain that ABCD does not spell "death." Not even close.

And it's not just a crappy cover blurb. Nope, it's the title of the freakin' lead story:

And said story in no conceivable way fits or justifies that title.

Dudes, kids use comics to learn to read--don't confuse them with stuff like ABCD Spells Death.

Thank you for your attention.