When Aquaman And Hawkman Were Enourmous Dicks To Superman!!

Long story short, Queen Bee is running amok, and Kal-El is trying to round up hordes of angry bees without hurting them--because that's what Superman does!!

But...

OK, that's a pretty cool way to come up with a new weakness for Superman. Points, Gerry Conway.

But then along come Aquaman and Hawkman, being complete and total dicks to the greatest hero ever:

Really?

REALLY??

Mr. "I die if I stay away from water for 61 minutes" and Mr. "Oooh, I'm so baddass because I use a mace" are going to call Superman...a coward?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Get bent.

Oh, that flying guy coming at the dicks from below there? That's a mannequin filled with bees. Because comics!!

Still, Aquaman and Hawkman--enormous assholes.

From Justice League Of America #131 (1976)

Manic Monday--The Man-Crush On Aquaman!!

Man, if the Aquaman movie doesn't end with J.K. Simmons and Ben Affleck uttering these lines as Jason Mamoa rides away on a whale, someone should be fired:

"He's...beautiful!"

From The Brave And The Bold #114 (1974)

Manic Monday--The Best Skin-Diving Equipment Shop!!

Where does Aquaman get all those wonderful toys?

The wicked Professor Snark (yes, really) is constantly trying to pull off sea-based crimes, but is always being thwarted by Aquaman and his ability to command fish:

Uh-oh, a plan!

So when Aquaman encounters Snark and a massive sea platform...

Oddly enough, Aquaman has never heard of desalination before!

Arthur is right, because when the next sea crime arrives...

I'll spare you the many, MANY panels of sick fish, and summarize thusly:

Well, duh.

But prove it was deliberate!!

Well, how can Aquaman solve this dilemma?

You see, he knows a guy...and so, at the next sea-crime:

But...

Huh?

Take a closer look:

How...?

So, a "skin-diving equipment maker" was able to convert tanks that pump pressurized air into tanks that pump sea water, into gills instead of mouths. And most amazingly, in many different sizes...

...and many different species...

...and big ass whales:

Wait!! WHALES DON'T HAVE GILLS!!

I won't ask how Aquaman afforded all of this--the sea is full of riches, and the equipment guy might have done it pro bono, to help stop sea crime.

Still, that's one hell of a job of making a lot of equipment do the opposite of what it was designed to do--in oddball shapes and sizes--by our skin-diving equipment-maker.

Let's just hope sharks never get ahold of this technology...

From Adventure Comics #284 (1961), as reprinted in The Brave And The Bold #114 (1974)

Manic Monday Bonus--God Schmod, I Want My Manta-Men!!

Aquaman is checking out an odd submarine that has been buzzing Atlantis...

Manta-Men? Really?

Yes, really. And they're a much bigger threat then you might imagine...

...as they slow-clap Aquaman to death.

Don't fret, Mera comes to save him.

Still, these Manta-Men had damn well better be in the Aquaman movie, or what's the point?!?

From Aquaman #35 (1967), as reprinted in DC Super-Stars #7 (1976)

April Madness Round III--No, Seriously!!

It's time to continue our meaningless contest, The Seven Justice Soldiers of The Victory League Society!! Heroes fighting for no reason than my childish whim!! Bwahahahaha!!!

Ahem.

Anyway, this morning features the "__Man" group...

vs.

Seriously. They put Hal Jordan and Aquaman in the same group...against Batman?

This isn't much of a contest. Batman sits reading the Gotham Gazette while Hal trips and hits his head on a rock. Oh, Hal...

Meanwhile, while Aquaman desperately looks around for a fish to command, Starman zaps him with his Cosmic Rod. And as tough as Wildcat is, he can't take both Batman and Hourman. Battle's over.

Tune in later this morning for a much more interesting battle...

Aquaman's Questionable Knowledge of Boxing?

Of course, Aquaman can't beat a pathetic pair of bank robbers without the help of sea creatures:

Now wait just one damn minute!!

The octopus used just two arms!! People have two arms!!

Really!! Try it yourself at home!! You can throw a simultaneous uppercut and roundhouse!!

What? Why don't human boxers do it, then...?

Shut up.

From Adventure Comics #245 (1958), as reprinted in World's Finest Comics #230 (1975)

Manic Monday--The Best Aquaman Movie Has Already Been Written!!

So, I understand they've been having some problems putting together an Aquaman script.

May I offer a simple two-word solution?

Bob. Haney.

I mean, you have dozens of Bob Haney-written Aquaman stories just lying around. Why not use one? I guarantee that the hoighty-toighty Hollywood writers aren't going to come up with anything better than this:

My god, that's the greatest writing ever...

We start with bored playboy Peter Dudley...

Well, he catches what he thinks is a really big fish. But it's really...

The misunderstanding cleared up, Dudley invites Mera and Aquaman aboard his luxury yacht, and, well, he's kind of smitten with Mera:

So Dudley does what any billionaire would do--he bribes a doctor to turn him into a stronger, more handsome version of Aquaman!

And science works as well as it usually does in the DC Universe:

So, being literally a new man, Aquabeast goes to get his woman!

Arthur objects...

...but Aquaman is no match for Aquabeast!

Arthur gets knocked around for several pages, until:

And Garth?

Be serious.

After a whole issuer of being humiliated, Aquaman arrives just as Dudley has sacrificed himself to save Mera from some mutant/alien/what the hell thingie:

Yup, he was really gone, never to appear again...until the Aquaman movie!! Right?? Hello, DC, are you listening? Hello?!?

From Aquaman #34 (1967)