Samantha Fox - I Promise You (Get Ready) (Jive)

Saucy little number from bubbly blonde Sammy (aged 12), who by now must be pin up for both father and daughter alike. All those pleas of 'I want to be recognised as a serious musician' are beginning to fall on some very deaf ears, and quite right too; how many changes has the effervescent Sam wasted on trying to prove a point? Fact is, better artistes than Sammy go down the bog every day because they don't get a second chance. Life's not fair. (Ian Dickson, Record Mirror, October 10, 1987)

Samantha Fox - I Surrender (To The Spirit Of The Night) (Jive)

T: Apart from the bloke they shoved in at the end to do harmonies this is actually quite good. Can I keep it?
A: Sounds like a hit to me. Very good, her voice seems to have improved a lot recently. She could become quite famous, and if she does, I might let her be my friend.
J: She's starting to sound like Kim Wilde, isn't she? This is really good. If they'd put some medley guitars in with the backing I think it would be brilliant. (All About Eve, Record Mirror, July 18, 1987)

Sam Fox's achievement, if you can call it anything so grand, is to have become the first Brit to crack the formula for producing totally drossy Euro synth pop. This is about on a par with a Europe record i.e. it's nauseating and utterly daft. A gormless charmless sound from a big galoot. Will it be a hit? Do bears poop in the woods? (Max Bell, No 1, July 18, 1987)

Sam Fox has got this pop lark off to a fine art. However brainless the press may attempt to portray her, there's no denying she knows a good tune when she hears one. This, like all her other songs, sounds instantly familiar after the first spin and actually turns out to be a loosely disguised version of the 1978 disco classic "Let's All Chant" by the Michael Zager Band. Still, it's been Sam Fox-ed up with thundering drums, growling guitar solos and plenty of woh-oh-ohs. "I Surrender" sounds like a huge hit and just goes to prove that nothing, short of a nuclear war, is going to stop her now. (Ro Newton, Smash Hits, July 29, 1987)

Julian Lennon - Time Will Teach Us All (EMI)

This is really boring. The best bit is when Stevie Wonder comes in on backing vocals right near the end but then it finishes. I haven't seen the musical Time, but if this is the sort of stuff what's in it, I don't think I'll be going. (Samantha Fox, Smash Hits, July 16, 1986)

Samantha Fox - Touch Me (I Want Your Body) (Jive)

Anyone seen that film A Chorus Line yet? Well there's a song in it in which a girl keeps singing about how 'Tits and arse can change your life' and it could've been written for Sam! From glamour model to disco queen, Sam does actually have a good voice, but I think it's wasted on this cliché of a song. The groaning bits (presumably while they're doing it - ooh, shock, gasp! (Hadn't the DJs better ban this one?) sound silly rather than sexy, but as she can do no wrong at the moment... 1/5 (Debbi Voller, No 1, March 8, 1986)

Isn't there something Sammy's mother forgot to tell her when she was young? Like, how not to talk to strange men offering sweeties - and how not to make a complete dick-head of yourself by letting people persuade you there a biological correlation between having big tits and a talent for singing. The only organ of the body this late Seventies Hi-NRG wind-up is likely to move is your diaphragm as last night's Chicken Biryani comes up for air. Sammy could have had a hit with anything - why be so obvious? She's been dumped you see, and all she wants is for her man to go back and touch her. There you are girls, what's £550,000 a year and a pair of massive knockers if you haven't got the love of a good man to come home to? (Eleanor Levy, Record Mirror, March 8, 1986)

It's true! She has made a record!! And as you'll have gathered from the title its full of groans and gasps and "I'm just begging for you" lines to keep the pervs happy. The "tune" sounds like your average Jennifer Rush record, only sung a thousand octaves higher. She does manage to hit the intended notes, though, which makes it only mildly embarrassing. (Sylvia Patterson, Smash Hits, March 12, 1986)

Note: It's interesting that all three reviews are by women. While Linda Lusardi and Maria Whittaker (fellow Page 3 models) also both released a single, at least Sam went on to have a decent music career.

Samantha Fox - Hold On Tight (Jive)

Firstly, can I say that this review is in no way influenced by the death threats I received after reviewing Sammy's LP recently. OK, on with the review. Oh yeah, great. It doesn't sound a bit like Pinky and Perky meets Shakin' Stevens and don't you just love people who keep their talent up their T-shirts? Yeah, of course you do, don't we all? There, will that be OK? (Andy Strickland, Record Mirror, August 30, 1986)

Lamentable. Sam Fox wearing lace gloves, on a motorbike, singing a sort of naffo naffo "Crazy Little Thing Called Love". Perhaps the Frankie idea of canines on Kawasakis singing "Rage Hard" isn't so ludicrous after all. (Paul Simper, No 1, August 30, 1986)

A Sam Fox record without (brackets in the title)! I've always wanted to review one of her records, shame it had to be this one. After the brilliant heavy rock piss-take that was "Do Ya Do Ya Do Ya", this one falls a title flat (Are we talking about the same Sam Fox? - Ed). A standard country rockin' affair which leaves the listener in no doubt that whatever attributes Ms Fox might possess, a singing voice isn't one of them. (Pat Thomas, No 1, September 6, 1986)

Samantha, dear, dearest, sweetums. There is only one Shakin' Stevens and it is not you. Your attempt to try a spot of rock'n'roll here is little short of an absolute disgrace. Your voice is unpleasantly squeaky, and posing as a Bonnie Tyler motorcycle vixen on the record sleeve is not going to make things any better. I never ever want to hear this record again. (William Shaw, Smash Hits, September 24, 1986)

The Smiths - Panic (Rough Trade)

I'm sorry to say but I find them very depressing. The lead singer's voice sounds like he's in pain - is that Morrissey? It says in the song 'Hang the DJ' - but where would they be without them? If you don't like DJs, you still like them because they play your records and that's what sells records. I don't think they'd like to hang Janice Long or John Peel, would they? I wouldn't play it though - he can't sing and it gives me a headache. In all his interviews he's Mister Nasty too and goes moan moan moan. (Samantha Fox, Smash Hits, July 16, 1986)

Well, bless me, if this isn't the least bit surprising. Neat, concise and somewhat slight, it's neither a let down, nor a leg up from The Queen Is Dead. "Panic" lollops along undemandingly, while Morrissey's rarefied larynx tours provincial Britain, and concludes that the state's in a state, and we should 'Hang the DJ'. Fine sentiments, of course. Lynch the Queen, the headmaster and the DJ, and life will just be one big picnic by the side of Grasmere, Stephen. With all those sliding Marr riffs, and the singalong refrain, this is in fact disturbingly reminiscent of a decent Slade single. But people got bored with them, too. (Roger Morton, Record Mirror, July 26, 1986)

As seen on Eurotube recently, "Panic" is two minutes and 19 seconds of verbal abuse directed at the more faceless of today's popstars.
'Hang the deejay' intones Morrissey, 'because the music that they play says nothing to me about my life'. Which begs the question, does it have to?
All the same, "Panic" is infuriatingly contagious and assuming that at least some DJs remain alive we should be hearing it a lot more over the next few weeks. 3/5 (Dave Ling, No 1, July 26, 1986)