nonamedufus

I don't know what got into me. Nachos with bacon, cheese and jalapeño peppers as an appetizer, the burrito special and four Coronas. Throughout the night I'd paid the price for that dinner.  Or rather my wife had having to put up with my intestinal acrobatics. The air was blue, given my poor wife's comments, not to mention the lingering smell from my hind quarter's activity. And it had been active. Very active. I apologized profusely as I hopped into the bath and tried to relax a bit until the day got under way. But my insides were still in turmoil and this was demonstrated by the bubbles in the water. Did you know bubbles from farts still smell when they break the surface? Amazing, huh? Isn't science something? I towelled off and got dressed. Orange juice, bacon and eggs for breakfast. I wisely decided to skip the coffee. As I drove to work I noticed an emission problem and it wasn't my car. I immediately rolled down the windows, so as not to to be...

There's so much going on in the world, so much news to wade through, before you get to the really important stuff. Like, hell, Dick Clark died. Sad to say we've seen the last of his balls drop at New Year's. And Newsweek has crowned Obama "America's Gay President" for finally coming out in support of equal marriage. I personally have nothing against gay marriage. Why shouldn't they suffer like the rest of us. Anyhoo, after reading stuff like this last week I eventually came across a real news story. Uh-huh. The headline went something like this: "Dinosaur burps and farts may have caused global warming" Well that explains a lot! For one thing it gives new meaning to that scorched earth theory people are always talking about. And it may help explain why dinosaurs are not only extinct but ex-stink. Researchers at Liverpool's John Moores University say some giant dinosaurs would have undoubtedly suffered from gas after eating a ...

From Africa comes a story that is sure to cause reverberations...or, perhaps, prevent them. The country of Malawi is tired of its citizens making a stink. Not in opposition to the government...just making a stink. The government of Malawi plans to punish persistent offenders who foul the air. You got it. No more farting in public. No farts for you! Can you imagine the reaction to such a law? I'll bet residents think it's the shits. After all, the government intends to muzzle freedom of expression. I wonder what happens to a muzzled fart? The mind boggles. And the eyes cross. No more tooting in the streets. And I'm not talking car horns. Of course, residents are skeptical as to how the new law will be enforced. Will there be a special fart force of Storm Poopers? And in public, how will they be able to tell just who the culprit is? To the cops' questions of "Who cut the cheese?" they'll never nail the nasal offender when everyone points at one another and s...

In this age of high gasoline prices and oil shortages one's mind often turns to a.s.e. - alternative sources of energy. In particular, we often hear the phrase "go green". But in this story a.s.e may well stand for ass source of energy. Read on to see how one community plans to "go brown". In Manchester England they're tooting, make that touting, toilet power as the fuel of the future where the city's loos will help contribute to local gas supplies. Hey, mi gasa es tu gasa! Two companies - United Utilities Group and National Grid - plan to turn a by-product of the wastewater treatment plant at Davyhulme in Manchester, northwest England into gas for the local gas network and fuel for a fleet of sludge tankers. The companies have come up with one of the all-time greatest euphamisms for their product. In lieu of "shit" they're calling it "biomethane". Gee, next time I want to get out of doing the dinner dishes I'll say "Sorr...