Random Thoughts about Random Subjects: Today? Chinese Calligraphy

I have some wonderful fellow Blogger friends who occasionally write blogposts of "random thoughts" (like Kearsie from "Sounds Like Tomatoes", Lynn from "For Love or Funny" ,Brittany from "Barefoot Foodie" , Aria from "Aria'z Ink" , Kim from "A Parent's Life to Behold, full of Insanity and Bliss" and Crystal from "Boobs, Injuries and Dr. Pepper" and they excel in their efforts.

I am often found chortling, guffawing and snorting upon reading them and thinking how crazy funny they are, and always amused on how humorous they think.

Having said this, I also, upon reading their blogposts, think to myself that I should give this free thought-flowing writing a go on my blog.  But then I stop.  Because, do I really want everybody out there to know how CRAZY I am?

To know how I really might think, mind jumping from one crazy thought to another, along with anecdotals and perhaps numbered lists of thoughts? 

Well, as of today, HELL, YEAH!

So, be prepared...because from now on you might see some blogposts entitled: "Random Thoughts about Random Subjects".

And, so that brings us to today's Random Thoughts, which won't be totally random this time in character, but rather a true story this time:

1. When I turned 50, I was on a trip away from home for two weeks straight for work training.

2. It sucked.

3. And of course, when one is turning fifty, you start bemoaning aging and getting old and all those self-defeating thoughts. Like, how long will I live, really? And will I be happy the whole dang time or will I wish I got hit by a Mac truck?  How long do I WANT to live? 80?  100?  I decided to choose 102.  It's a nice round number. And, usually, when I set out to do something, I make it happen. So.
There. It's settled. 102 it is.

 4. So, in a moment of insanity, I came up with a brilliant plan. (Because I am awesome like that in an aging crisis).

5. My plan? Go get my first tattoo to mark this momentous occasion. (Don't judge! I hear you out there clicking your tongue in disapproval). (I also hear those of you out there cheering, saying: Good for you, old girl!....heavy on the OLD).

6. Now, you had to be there.  This was in conservative Ames, Iowa...where men are men and the sheep are nervous.  I was hanging out with the medical work crew that were training me: who wouldn't swear if they had a mouthful of sh*t.  Their idea of a good time was to go for a ride to show me where all the local churches were, if you get my drift.

7. So I set out on my own, to find a TATTOO shop in Iowa. Yeah. I know.  I may have been fifty, but that does not equate being brilliant about local cultures.

8. Laugh if you will, but believe it or not, they had one! I pictured going in and maybe they'd have some samples of the type of tattoos one would want to get.  And, being in Iowa, I figured maybe things like crosses, bible verses and an occasional rose would be there to choose from.....

9. None of which I wanted tattooed to symbolize my reaching half a freaking century.

10. Before going in, I parked my car and watched who was going in and out of the shop.

11. Besides calculating how long it had been since my last tetanus shot.

12. A few people came in and out...some "hard core" and some fairly normal folks were seen.

13. I remembered that I should have had some wine first.

14. I walked in the shop.  Two long haired guys about 25 glanced over and then at each other.

15. One of them raised their right eyebrow. (I saw you do it, Dude!)

16. I nervously asked if I could see one of their (100 pound) photo albums of past tattoos given, to which they half-chuckled "sure".

17. I looked at them all, whilst glancing around their shop to assure they had a sterilizer and that it looked clean and searched for a license on the wall from the state of Iowa (check, check and check).

18. I decided what I wanted. Out of the blue.  No pictures of it existed in their book.

19. I have no idea what possessed me to decide on what I wanted. It just "came" to me. (So NOW the universe decided to give me some Divine Intervention! You know, I could have used it soooo  many other times during my long fifty years on the planet. But NO. This is the time it came.  Who was I to argue with the timing of Divine Intervention?)

20. During the search through the tattoo books,  I saw a TON of Chinese Calligraphy to choose from....which was very tempting...The calligraphy was fluid and pretty with flowing caps and lines to lure one into symbolizing one's philosophy of life.  I mean, how else to signify one making it to half a century than to slap a "forever" philosophy on one's arm, boob or thigh?

21. There were symbols of everything! "Joy", "Hope", "Charity towards Mankind", "Love", etc.  Even "Longevity" which would have been perfect upon this insane occasion of mine.

22. But, then I got to thinking.

23. How would this pastey-white, fifty yr. old U.P. woman ever know if the symbols REALLY stand for what they said they stood for?

24. I mean....I might pick the "longevity" symbol and proudly wear it on my body somewhere.....and a whole culture might be laughing their asses off....because what it really says is: "This pastey white, fifty year old U.P. woman thinks this stands for Longevity..what a dumb ass".

25. Or, it might really say: "All white people are stupid".

26. Or, it might say: "Who has the last word on Communism NOW?"

27. Or, it might say: "This stupid person actually bought the idea that this symbol means something! Gheesh what a flaming idiot...try to sell her something, she'll buy it. I guarantee it".

28. Really, people.  Who really knows what ANY of those symbols really mean?? Who is going to tell us the TRUTH? 

29. (Picture Jack Nicholson:) "you want the TRUTH? you want the TRUTH? You can't HANDLE the truth!"

30. Hey, I didn't make it to fifty by being that dumb.  So, I bypassed the Chinese Calligraphy symbols.

31. Although I did consider looking for one out there somewhere that symbolized: "Not gullible".

32. So, please take heed of my fifty-plus wisdom and bypass the Chinese Calligraphy symbols when you get your tattoo....you never know what it really means.

33. P.S. I really did get a tattoo there.

34. I didn't get any hepatitis or diseases or so much as a skin rash. They used sterile conditions and did not make fun of me when I got it.

35. At least to my face.

36. I put a small wreath of flowers shaped like a heart on my inner right ankle.

37. Can we say (all together now:) "ouch!" because needles boring on your ankle bone hurts, people!

38. My husband loved it.

39. I haven't regretted it yet. It is tastefully done and beautiful. 

40. I made an executive decision that to celebrate living so long, I will continue to get ONE small tattoo every decade beyond 50 that I am blessed with on this earth.

41. Which means 60 is coming yet....and I will have to go through the mental torture of deciding what to get next time. Not to mention the physical torture of a thousand tiny needle pricks again.

42. Which means when I turn 100, I will have a total of 5 of them somewhere on my wrinkling, sagging body. At least I will be entertaining to the younger folks at the morgue when they haul in my wrinkling, sagging, dead ass.

43. Which also means (because I watch CSI, people!) that if my body should ever become dismembered, relatives will be able to identify me by whatever body part they find. (No need to thank me, relatives...I am just thoughtful like that!)

44. Which means when I turn 100, I might just get that Chinese Calligraphy tattoo that stands for "longevity."

45. That is, if I can find some sweet Chinese person who I trust with my life to tell me the truth and guarantee to me that it really says: "Longevity"....
                                                                           
46. And who will also tell me what the other ones REALLY say............(because at 100, I am going to need some humor!)  Just talk realllly loud, Okay?

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It Must Be the Aliens..........

For quite some time now, I have been convinced there are Aliens. I mean there is no other definitive answer for so many, many questions. For instance:

1. Why a George W. Bush? (Had to be an Alien immaculate conception of his mother. Theory: Many ufo-olgists feel that Aliens have an "under the sea" site. Where else would George W.'s mother get those many, many pearls for her necklaces?).

2. Why income taxes and politics? (Aliens,of course)

3. Why my last Boss? (Definitely an Alien)

4. Why have women go through PMS, painful childbirth, bikini waxes? (Aliens' sick humor: they are all male but can procreate themselves without the rituals or pain. Plus Aliens do not have any body hair)

5. Why do Americans work themselves to death? (an Alien plot).

6. Why do all things that taste good make you gain weight and all things that taste like shit help you lose weight? (An cruel Alien joke. All Alien food tastes like chocolate, caramel,or warm homemade pies and breads. The more an Alien eats, the more weight they lose).

7. Why do all the celebrities with no talent (but beautiful bodies) get paid millions, but the poor suckers who collect our garbage (or even take care of the sick or teach our children) can barely make enough income to make it? (The celebreties are all Aliens, of course...I mean, how else could they have those bodies?)

8. Why are there Engineers? (After all they speak a totally different language...have you TALKED to one of them? Or worse yet, dated one of them?) (Of course they are Aliens).

9. Why is there E-Harmony? (Alien match-making site).

10. Why are there teenagers? (Aliens in-training).

11. Why are there two year olds who have non-ending tantrums? (Memories of womb Alien inhabiting).

12. Why are there X-husbands and X-wifes? (Aliens who's true colors finally came out) (Besides, you've heard of the X-files, haven't you? Where else could they have gotten the idea?)

13. Why are there used car dealers? (Aliens who couldn't make it in their own Alien societies).

14. Why is there fruitcake? (Alien gourmet food).

15. Why do they serve liver? (Don't ask an Alien, you will be grossed out by their answer).

16. Why Rush Limbough? (Alien's punishment to mankind on Earth).

17. Why rap music? (Alien's attempt at denying Humans to have any joy left at all in music selections)

18. Why the pants hanging below teenage boy's asses? (Aliens attempt at getting humans to trip on their pants and killing us.) I say, let this one go, maybe they are right...any teenage boy doing this needs to disappear.

19. Why thongs? (Alien's attempt at trying to get Human females to slice themselves in half with a string. Hey, they clearly saw that it works with cheese, so I can see where they got the concept.)

20. Why UFO's? (Aliens way to tease us and to show us that our government WILL hide just about anything from us).

So, from now on, when you have ANY deep question about life....just answer it with:

It must be the Aliens.

Like me:

Husband: "honey, how did that scratch come in our rear left bumper?"
ME: "It must be the Aliens".

Husband: "Do you know where the TV remote is?" "I swear I put it right beside the newspaper."
ME: "It must be the Aliens"

Husband: "Where did all the chocolate cake go? I thought we had at least 3 slices left."
ME: "It must be the Aliens."

Try it, it works........

So Wrong (on So Many Levels)................

Yesterday I got an e-mail message that I had a Christmas E-card from my youngest daughter (MYD) in Florida.

"How fun!", I thought.

MYD has always had this quirky, funny (and sometimes dark) sense of humor that I love. When we are together we are always giggling about something that others just don't find quite as funny as we do. (Which makes it that much funnier).

MYD is my single (30 yr. old) daughter, and we have been lonesome for her (especially this time of year). She has just broken things off with her boyfriend, so I know she is a little bit blue during this holiday season.

She has had two cats that have been her "children" for the last 10 years. They are fun and entertaining and she is always telling us of their antics. She always says: "Yup, Mom...I will be your old-maid daughter. You know...the one they call "The Cat Lady"........that old lady that never married and has 10 cats." I always laugh when she says this and I kindly remind her that she is only 30, and has plenty of time for another relationship.

So. I click on the E-card in the E-mail to load it.

And it loads....
and loads....
and loads....
and loads....

(By this time, I am getting annoyed.)

And it loads,
and loads
and loads......
(Ok,now I am getting down right pissed).

And it loads some more.

The screen goes black.

"Oh shit!" I exclaim...that friggin' card crashed my laptop!

At this point, I am ready to punt the laptop with a kick straight in the air into one of my I-hate-to-water-those-houseplants anyway.

And................
miraculously, a screen pops up.

There she is....MYD's cute face...but it is stuck in a cartoon figure of a Christmas elf.

The elf starts dancing all over the screen, singing a Christmas carol.

I started chuckling...(thinking: "How inventive! How cute!...that is SO much like her!" "And, what a cute photo of her!")

But then, out of the corner of my eye..................................................................................

I see them.

From left screen (and simutaneously, also from the right screen) comes two more dancing elves......................

Each with one of her cat's faces!


So, THEN......
the screen continues to show her cat elves in an elaborate elf dance with her.....

Dipping and jiving and tap-dancing......

It was hilariously funny (at FIRST).

But...........................then............................

Well, .................

disturbing.

So wrong.....
(on SO many levels.)

I think maybe I better take that trip (that we have already been planning to see her) a few weeks earlier.....
(and maybe find a nice guy to introduce her to).

You know, someone who likes cats, too.