Radiating Squares

So far, 2018 has been a lot about unpacking baggage.  Some that I was ready to look at (this quilt, for one) and others that feel more like someone ripped open and dumped all my hard memories out into the present.  Old ideas, old beliefs, that were well hidden and nearly forgotten about.  But the social/political climate in America right now has many people uncomfortable as we look long and hard at choices we have made, action we took or didn't take, and secrets we have kept.  I'm struggling a lot with this.  I think it's fair to say I'm overwhelmed but functioning.

For as strong as I've gotten in these last 3 years, it seems the next level of adulting is always more challenging than the last.  This past weekend Rich and I finally got to take some pics of my finished Radiating Squares quilt.  Running through the yard was a much needed release from the stress of my reality-- dad had a stroke Friday night and once again I feel so very far away, both in distance and in time.  I was well cared for by my chosen family though.  Friends checking in,  which I am so grateful for, but I had so little news to share.  Even now, it still seems I am waiting, waiting.  Not part of it, just watching and hurting.  I don't yet know if or when I will be able to travel to see him.  But in this decision, more baggage opens.  If I go, am I the prodigal daughter?  Am I dramatic/comic relief or am I actually helping?  I have to believe that my presence means something, because if I don't, I just want to hide and shove all of these awful thoughts right back into the bag they came from.

Tonight I'm going to make the label and prep this quilt to go off to its new home.  Sometimes you can shake out the baggage, accept it for the role it played, and let it go.  I'm happy this quilt is almost done and ready to become part of someone else's story.

If you're curious about how this quilt began, my old posts are here.  It was part of a 2010 bee, originally inspired by a quilt I saw at the Empire Guild show in 2009. 

Try, learn, grow

How do you build a foundation of knowledge?   Experience? Study? Observation? Reflection?

However you go about learning, you must first be open to trying. 
You've got to be open to something in order for it to work.

A lot of times we put up road blocks for ourselves.
I can't do it until..
I'll do it once ____ happens
I don't want to do it yet because I'm not ready.

But once you're ready, you know.  You might keep making excuses, but you know you could if you tried.

I remember a time before I knew how to quilt.  I knew a lot about quilts and quilt making, but I hadn't actually tried it to the point where I knew what I was doing.   I poured over books, magazines.  (I realize now that this "beginner" phase lasted a lot longer than I thought, of course this comes in hindsight because I never could have anticipated how obsessed or knowledgeable I could become with this hobby.  And I am certain that there is so much more I can learn, when I'm ready.. ;)  ).  I was sitting with Mrs. K in Hokkaido and I tried to make a winding ways block, 6" finished, hand pieced.  I was enthralled.  I couldn't do it, but I wanted to.

Last night I was playing around with Blogger's new themes (yay 2017, why did my blog still look like it's 2011?) and decided to re-do my "Quilts" page up at the top.  I know it will take a while to locate and upload all the pics of all the quilts, but I started a list (disclaimer: it may be wrong, 2010-2012 kinda all blurs together) and I see that my early quilts, or those that I actually finished.. well, they tell a story.  I can see now what shapes I was interested in, what steps of the project I got good at, which I mastered.  And where, all to often, there are gaps where quilts were started and pieced, but never finished.  This is quite apparent when you are scrolling through 10 years of digital pics and you see all the quilts you worked on but don't have photos to put into the finished projects category.  But I digress.

I found my winding ways quilt from 2007.  Finished, hanging at the Silver City Quilt Guild's first show.  My first show entry, my first quilt that I tried and designed and completed.  I was not the first quilt or block or idea, no, I practiced for a long time before I made it.  (yes, I think "practice pieces" may be my new term for "old forgotten UFOs")  But there it is, the same shape, same curves, from that afternoon in Hokkaido.  The blocks are bigger, I pieced it by machine, but I did it.  I had tossed the idea around in my head enough to know I was ready to try.  And I succeeded.  I was open, and I learned.

A sampler quilt pushes you to try new techniques, patterns, to make color, value and fabric choices.  It really is a way to teach quilt making.  Decide what you like, what you're ready for.  I can remember in my quilting journey, which of these blocks came easy to me and which were more of a struggle (some still are..).  Some blocks and patterns I go back to over and over.  Some techniques just fit my personal style.  And if I think about the blocks I struggled with.. yep, there are mental barriers there.  Some techniques in quilting I'm just not ready for yet.  But I'm glad I tried, I was open to learning something through the teaching process.  Figuring out how to express and share my knowledge in a way others could absorb.  To motivate but reassure at the same time.
You don't have to get this. 
It doesn't need to be easy and mistake-free the first time.  
If you don't like my methods, do what feels right for you.

And I also really like how reflecting on my quilting teaches me new things about myself and my story.  Damn, I've missed blogging.

I gave the quilt to Andy and Shirley.  Because... it's a quilt.  And all I learned in making it really seems not so important if the quilt just sits in a suitcase and doesn't get loved.  Why do I do this, after all?  What have I learned?
I've learned that comfort, ease, and repose are things I value.  Things I want to cultivate and share. ♡

My birthday weekend

So.  I turned 37 on Monday.

And the last week has been full of reflective thoughts, perhaps more so than other years.
I was very careful to plan out how to spend my time this weekend-- I have always been one to want/crave/and ask for alone time on my birthday.  I just need it.  It's my treat to myself-- that time to really reconnect, to sift through my thoughts, take stock of where I'm at, and ground myself in my reality.

With two years of midlife crisis behind me, I think I'm doing ok.

I spent most of the weekend with the guy I've been seeing (who needs to make an appearance here on the blog soon.. he's tall.  I need him to hold up some quilts for me) but I did take a jaunt into Manhattan on Saturday to get to the NYC Metro Mod Guild meeting.  It was my first time going in .. maybe 18 months?  Felt so good to be around quilty friends and beautiful making.

 I stitched on the train ride in, of course.  This blue and yellow block has fabrics from the quilt I made with George this year.  This hex-diamond is almost done.

I am grateful that the internet lets me make and keep friends, even when we only see each other sporadically.  I think that's one of the things I missed most about blogging.  Facebook is great for quick daily updates, feeling connected but not really being connected.  Instagram is better because you are seeing through your friends' eyes.  But blogging.. photos, words, feelings, all the thoughts and dreams put behind the post.  Some of my friends are simply amazing writers and I love getting to know them *that* way, through their writing. 

Bernadette has been working on her blue hexies quilt for a long time.. I'm so happy to see her determined to finish it.  I promised to help with the binding when she's ready

Nellie somehow managed to have a baby, finish this quilt, and get to the meeting to show it off.  I love the light colored crosses in the border.

This one is Lisa's and.. she's giving it away.  Who knows why we do the things we do?  But that kid sure is lucky..

Following Margaret on Instagram is such a treat, but seeing this quilt in real life and hearing her thoughts on making it (especially how she embroidered, rather than hand quilted) was really awesome.  Guild meetings, man.  Always something to learn.  

And Maureen from my library group was there too!  Working on impossibly small EPP, of course.  THAT is not my fault.

After the meeting, I went for coffee with my new friend, Kyle, then wandered across town to one of my favorite places in the city, Kinokuniya.  I could spend hours there, wandering like I used to do in Daimaru or Tokyu Hands, when I lived in Japan (at the turn of the century!).  So much to look at, take in, ponder and enjoy.  I did have a train to catch, so I made a beeline for stationary downstairs..

I was hoping to find a rooster stamp to add to my Zodiac rubber stamp collection, which I started in 2000.  Unfortunately I was told they were on order and I should check back in a few weeks.  I guess that's another excuse to make the trip then, huh?  I was able to replenish my collection of awesome pens, and now that I think if it, I should really write a post on pens because I do have strong feelings about them.. and oddly enough, my tastes have changed over the years.   (mental note: blog post about pens).

Monday I baked a cake and had Christa and her son over to help us celebrate.  The kids and I planned ahead this year and while at Party City before Halloween, we picked up these Dory candies for my cake.  Yup, 37 with a Finding Dory themed birthday cake.  I love being a mom, because you get to be a kid and make the rules at the same time.  Cake was tasty.  I plan on eating leftovers while writing Christmas cards later tonight.. 

Many thanks for the birthday wishes that came via FB and instagram (and for the dear friends who actually got me presents!!  I feel so loved).  If you want to comment below with what you were doing on your 37th birthday, or what you think your life might be like then, if you aren't as old as me.  I can honestly say, 5 years ago I had no idea that this is where I'd be.. but I'm happy I made it and I like where (and who) I am at 37.   Hope I will always be able to say that. 

Cricket

Her name is Cricket.

She's super affectionate even though we're still getting to know each other.  She likes to be with me when I'm home and she's already very comfortable sleeping in my bed.  I adopted her from the Town of Hempstead Animal Shelter which was a great place to work with and if I lived closer, I'd consider volunteering there.  If you are local and need a kitty, please consider them.  Their website has many many photos, videos and stories of cats that need families.  Before I adopted Cricket, I made a list of all the cats I was interested in and went in one evening to check them out.  I pet a bunch, held a few, and tried to see which had personalities that would fit with my new life, my personality, and my children.  I had brought the boys on a separate visit and they got to meet Cricket before we decided (the shelter requires all family members come for a pre-adoption visit to get acquainted with the pet).  But the night I was there on my own, I worked my way through my list, asking about each kitty I had seen online that I thought might be a potential match.  The last 3 on my list weren't there.  I was puzzled.  Isn't the website kept up to date?  The volunteer said that the cats were there at the shelter, but they did not have enough cages to keep them on display in the 3 front viewing rooms.  My heart sank.  So many cats and I could only help one.  I adopted Cricket to free up her cage for one of the others and I sincerely hope that they find good homes soon.  I think I got a good match, but the boys meet her for real tonight and I guess then we'll have a better idea.  She's 8, not a kitten, and I hope she tolerates their.. energy.   I know it will take a while for everyone to get used to the changes, but I'm an optimist.

Thank you for all the kind wishes and support on my last post.  One of the things I have become aware of in the past year is the importance of speaking up and setting boundaries.  This is crucial to have healthy relationships with anyone, and I think it applies to the blog as well.  I sincerely appreciate that you guys respected that.  When we feel comfortable and accepted, it's easier to open up and be authentic.  Thank you for making that possible for me here.
xoxo

Happily Unmarried in 5...4...3...2..

(Not the photo I had wanted, but he refused to take a selfie with me)

So.  Along with quilting and book ideas and Get Started Quilting promotions, this past year I've also spent a lot of time and energy on another project.  Costas and I have undertaken the enormous task of untangling our lives and becoming "unmarried".  If you have undergone a similar process, you have some idea of what all this entails.  Some days I clung to quilting, other days I couldn't do much more than cry and grieve.  This is a process of growth, self examination, forgiveness and above all, self love.  It wasn't easy to say "no" to my old life in order to feel comfortable saying "yes" to myself, but it was necessary, and I do feel much healthier on this new path.

The past several months have been full of what seemed like limitless uncertainty.  I'm happy that things finally seem to be falling into place, or, the options now seem somehow more manageable.  I have a new place to live, I can sink deep into the comfort of a job I love, and soon a new routine will give life shape again.  Once I unpack and set up a new sewing space (I'll be joining the ranks of kitchen table quilters!), I may even have time, space and emotional energy to post stuff again.

If you also feel the need to grieve the end of my marriage, please do so, but I will ask that you respect this space and my process.  Most days I do not feel sad and I have dealt with a lot of the anger that comes with this change.  Your expressions of regret and "I'm sorry"s really don't help me much.  Your kindness, attention and support on the other hand, I don't know how I'll get through the future without them.  I love this community and have missed its comfort.  I went through incredible emotional upheaval but didn't feel comfortable talking about it here until now.  I look forward to sharing all of my healing quilts and using both the quilting process and the act of sharing them with you to help me along the way.

Comments are open but I probably can't reply to all of them.  If you'd like to contact me by email, you are welcome to do that too-- jessunderquilts at gmail
But please be patient with me, I just moved this past weekend and I've got a lot to juggle right now.
Thanks for being with me through this.
xoxo

p.s. Oh, and.. I got a cat.

Monday Morning Star Count 2014/35

I didn't sew a single thing this week.  But we did our best to make the most of the last days of summer vacation..

And this one of George and Grama in Chicago..

Did anybody stitch this week?  Link up!

Monday Morning Star Count 2014/34

The Chicago Edition..
I brought the boys to visit my mom this week.  Kind of crazy and hectic because I've got classes to prep (I'll go back to teaching again this fall) and two kids to get ready for school, but mom wanted to see them, so we shuffled a few things around to make it happen.
I didn't even pack my sewing in my carry on, as I usually would.  This was my first flight with the two boys on my own and an adventure it was.. almost missing the flight due to NYC traffic, then an hour on the plane, on the ground at LGA, and once we were in the air, they rerouted us to Grand Rapids due to heavy storms over O'Hare.  What seemed like almost an entire day of travel later, I was sitting in my grandma's house with two tired and hungry kids.  The transition has been tough, neither kid likes being away from Costas all day, and I think George especially is not up for the type of "visiting with family" that mainly involves mom sitting with other ladies at the table having coffee.  Not to mention the lack of a video game console in this house.. but I'll do my best to make it more interesting for him as the week goes on.
Here's the few pieces of my new project that I was able to baste this week.  Don't forsee myself getting a lot done while I'm here, but you never know.

Monday Morning Star Count 2014/30

Back on track! (well, mostly-- this post was delayed due to toddler issues that necessitated washing yogurt off a handful of toy cars and cleaning oreo filling off the wall. Yes, I give my kid oreos so I can make phone calls in the morning, please don't judge!)
I spent lots and lots of time this week on Travel Quilt #5, how's it look?

These black background hexies are starting to seem overwhelming.. I have been basting and joining rows of 5 since way back, but then suddenly I put together a few diamonds and a sashing strip and they're all gone.  So much for planning ahead to balance out the work.  I love how it's looking, but it's so much more fun to baste colorful hexies. 

In other EPP news, my dad is visiting relatives in Ireland this week and he brought along my book (to show off?  I doubt he was basting on the plane).  His cousin is interested in starting to quilt so this morning we're searching for local or online shops where she can get ahold of templates-- hexies, squares, equilateral triangles.. if you know of any Irish shops (near Loughrea, Galway, or anywhere else) that carry EPP supplies, please comment or send me an email! I'm excited to get her started and then see what she makes~

Ok, if you've got progress to link up, let us see it!

Yellow Bears Paw

We are back from Chicago now, and I can say it was a nice visit.  My kids were good during 4 days of driving and everyone was happy to see us when we arrived and sad to see us leave.  We were lucky to have beautiful weather while we were there and we got to spend a lot of time outdoors, smelling the suburban spring air that immediately brings me back to my childhood.  I'm glad my boys could experience that too.

The main purpose of the trip was to see my family, especially my mother, whose long-term illness took a bad turn earlier this month after a lengthy plateau.  Many of you contributed both quilts and funds to the benefit held for her in 2012 (past posts are here and here), and I wanted to give a sort of update, as well as show off the quilt I made for her.

Earlier this month my mother went into the hospital for several days.  I was told that low sodium was causing her to become confused and disoriented.  Several times she would wake up in the morning and not know why she was in a wheelchair.  She began having problems with memory and though she has good days and bad, it was a shock to have her ask me what my children's names were, or where we lived.  I was happy I could see her, but now that I'm home again, I'm silently aching for the loss of the mother I knew.  I'm not writing this for anyone's sympathy, just to tell the story of the quilt I made, that I clung to, pouring my love, regret, and grief into each stitch.  That binding took forever!  And I was sad to leave the quilt, knowing that it gave me comfort these past few weeks.  I hope it also brightens her days, helps her remember me, and at the very least keeps her warm in the too-cold air-conditioned house.

 The top of the quilt is made from a yellow woven fabric that I got at my LQS.  The centers of each bear paw came from the 11 women in the 15 Minutes Play Scrap bee from 2011.  I pieced them into bears paw blocks, starting in 2011 and finishing the last 3 earlier this month.  I used wide sashing of the yellow and put the extra Scrap bee blocks as corner stones.  I thought I'd leave it there and back the quilt in the black/off-white dot, but it made a really nice border instead.  The backing is an organic cotton from Jo-Anns.  It's bound in light turquoise, one of the same fabrics I used in samples for Quilting on the Go.  Final size-- I didn't measure, but it's a bit less than twin.  Fits on mom's hospital bed just fine though.

Mom, I don't know if you get on your laptop much anymore, but if you do, I hope you can read this, and if not, I hope someone reads it to you.  I love you so much.  Thank you for believing in me and for letting me follow my dreams.  I hope we can come see you again soon.

Happy Birthday Mom!

It's been a while, so I'm making my mom a new quilt.

 Big bear's paws in shades of white on a creamy yellow woven background.  The centers of each "paw" were bee blocks from my month in the 15 Minutes Play bee from 2011(!).  This quilt was started shortly after but shelved when I got tired of trimming the triangles, or maybe because bigger projects like finishing grad school, starting to teach again, and then writing a book just ate up all of my time. 

They say time flies once you have kids, and I didn't believe it at first, but now.. woah.  I'm glad I asked the bee participants to date their blocks, and I'm even more glad that they finally made it into a finished quilt top, albeit 3+ years later.

I wonder how my mom feels.  Today is her birthday and while today I can't imagine being her age, I'm  sure it will be here before I know it.  Mom, I'm sorry we're not together today, but we'll be there for a visit very very soon.  Fingers crossed that this is quilted and bound by then.  Happy Birthday!!!

The best Easter... ever?

I think it just may have been.
I have written in past years about the challenges this holiday usually brings for our household-- Greek Orthodox vs. Catholic traditions, not having any close family near by to celebrate with, our failure (?) to be part of a strong church community.  Unless we are in Athens for Easter, the holiday usually brings more frustration and disappointment than it's worth.  Last year I took the kids to a friend's place for Catholic Easter while C worked, and then on Greek Easter we skipped church all together and hit up a local festival during the day, just to get out of the house.  We had fun, but something was lacking.  Easter is a family holiday, a time to spend together and appreciate all that being a family means.  This year, finally, I think we got it right.

We spent the week doing Easter crafts, dying eggs, and decorating the house.

We took the kids to church on Friday for Epitafios and Saturday for Anastasi.

And today, through some serendipitous circumstances, we ended up hosting an Easter party with our very close friends from Virgina.  You know, the kind of friends who you call cousins, even though you're not really related?  It was awesome.

Costas has lived in the States for a long time, but he still gets very homesick at Easter.  This year he got to grill lamb, so he was happy (but he wished it was a whole lamb on the spit).

We did an egg hunt.  The kids got to be kids for a while.

And finally got a picture of the 4 of us-- who cares if the kids aren't looking at the camera? 

We were together and enjoying the day.  They went to bed happy.  Maybe this was the best.