the sunset series..

This sunset walk was more of an early twilight walk, still so pretty with those soft moody greys before the rain.  We were all exhausted and looking forward to an early dinner and movie night after a crazy busy start the the school term.

Yesterday my darling biggest boy turned 14.

Look at him, all broody and lost in thought.  He's not a great fan of our sunset birthday tradition, or having his picture taken, but here he is doing it anyway, for me. He does things like that.

He makes me proud every single day.

This year, he joined the Australian Air Force Cadets, and he's so in his element.  He's responsible and committed, and rises to every challenge.  I love his focus..but I do miss his long hair.  One day he wants to be a pilot, and I love that he's taken it upon himself to begin working towards this goal at such an early age.

He's easing into these teenage years with calm and a quiet confidence.  Navigating his way slowly, but purposefully. Things might change, I shouldn't speak too soon, but so far he's making the parenting a teen pretty easy work.  We know already this most likely will not be the case with his siblings, so we're lapping it up for now!  If you've been a reader of my blog for a while, you might recall all the challenging times we've had with our big boy so far.  Perhaps the most difficult time are behind us.  Fingers crossed.

Sure, the traditional birth story on the eve of his birthday is wearing thin, he eye rolls just about everything his brothers say and do, he likes to give us a good head start on family bike rides, and we're good to just drop him off a little way from where ever he's going, but that's ok with me.  We have a little giggle and give him his space, and then every evening when the others have all gone to bed, he comes downstairs to sit with us, to watch a bit of tele together, to have a good laugh and to chat.  And this is one of my most  favourite parts of every day.

(all pictures taken by my sweetheart, thank you Nick)

thirteen..

Can you believe it, thirteen!  I can't.

This beautiful boy who fills me with awe, and pride and so much love.  

I look at him and he makes me smile.  Actually, I look at him and listen to him talk, with his shakey pitchy voice, and I can't help but giggle.  Watching him move into this new phase of his life is giving us so much joy right now. I know things will most likely change, that's what they say isn't it, the years ahead are supposed to be our toughest yet. But right now, he is joy, and we are loving watching him grow.

I listen to his thoughts, his ideals, his plans for the future and I'm so overwhelmed by all that he is and all he might be. I'm also completely terrified as his independence broadens, of all that lies ahead in the near and distant future, and I pray that he is wise and sensible and has good judgement.

This boy who made me a mother has taught me so much, and we continue to learn from one another every day. He's always been a little beyond his years, an old head on young shoulders, perhaps experiences have shaped him this way. He's faced a lot of challenges in his young life already, and its been hard, really hard.  He doesn't realise just yet, but through his courage he's made a difference, and that's a pretty incredible thing.

Now, as I watch him grow, I don't see him changing so much as I see him becoming more of who he is. His confidence, his humour, his expectations and perceptions.  It's like watching a butterfly ever so gradually emerge, and I'm completely fascinated by him.

just so you know.. a letter to my boy

Our big boy.  You started secondary school last week and you're taking it all very seriously indeed.  I know you are nervous, anxious too, but no one else can see it, you are carrying yourself well, all confident and sure looking.  

You may be broodily approaching 13, but I'm seeing the intense toddler you used to be creeping through.  A stickler for rule following, it would be a fate worse than death to be in trouble, or to be addressed for not wearing your uniform correctly.  That, we know, will never happen.  You clean your shoes daily, you will not wear a white shirt two days in a row if it has the slightest pen mark..my home duties have certainly had to step up a notch.  It might be time I taught you how to was by hand.

I remember your first day of primary school so vividly.  Coming home and setting up your desk for homework (that you didn't have but craved), making the odd office announcement with your toy phone, all official business.

You thrive on learning, you did then and you do now.  It's frustrating you that you've had to spend the first three days doing orientation and not just getting stuck into the school work.  Bless you! I dare not remind you of this when you are feeling overwhelmed once the work begins to flow.

You really are growing up before our very eyes.  You've been taking your chores as seriously as the school work. Often without being asked, watering the garden, emptying the dishwasher, taking care of your baby sister, but that's hardly an effort, your face fills with happiness every time you lay eyes on her.

Dad's teaching you how to do floorplans so you can help us out during busy times.  You love the idea of being paid for this kind of work, it's right up your ally and you can't learn them quickly enough!

While I see the baby, and the teen, I also see the man, and this fills my heart to the brim with such pride...just so you know.

Twelve...

Twelve, hooley dooley!

This boy.
He swells my heart full of pride, admiration and love.

This boy who is growing up before my very eyes and I am in awe of him, everyday.
His beauty, his gentleness, his busy mind and his strength.

This boy, who laughs so hard he can't breathe, who has his dad's sense of humour and deep dark stare.

Whose imagination and play and adventurous spirit is a gift to us all and will serve him well always.

This boy, my baby, turns twelve.

My darling Harvey, I love you to bits! 

Happy Happy Birthday to you..x

captivated..

this post was to be about a scarf I made for a sweet litte girl 

who asked me to make her one forever ago!

finally, this week I made it, and it's lovely, I think she'll like it.

Then I asked this boy to pop it on so I could take some pictures for the blog, as you do...

and then the post came to be about him...captivated I am.

(..and a token picture of the scarf in colour)

you can visit more creative spaces here..

eleven...

he's eleven today, I can't quite believe it!

I still remember like yesterday those bouncy Mr.Magoo cheeks

your busy little ways, always with tool box in hand no matter where we'd go

your no pants phase, just undies and gumboots thanks!

your song and dance in the living room, you'd never participate in the toddler music group but you'd sing your heart out all the way home..

your quirky little mannerisms 

when you'd be Jamie Oliver helping Dad in the kitchen

your gang of imaginary friends, Piglet, Christopher Robin and Tigger..oh the number of times I'd drive off and you'd scream out for me to stop because we'd left one of them behind.

Nemo! you wore out the first dvd and we had to buy another.  I think your daddy read that book to you a bazillion times every night for a year

there was always business to attend to when you started school, you'd come home and be one of the office staff making announcements and getting things done

your imagination has always been one of your most special traits..though it was a bit stressful at times when teachers and relatives would question me about my leaving you in charge of your baby brothers while I went out to shop, how we lived above the fish 'n chip shop, or the travelling the world in a combie story..

now, look at you, growing up and we are so proud of who you are

your writing blows my mind, it is a gift

when you loose yourself in your drums, it's sounding really good!

that wacky sense of humor, its a bit beyond your years..

when you laugh so hard at something, usually your dad, you can't breathe and I can't help but laugh with you

the way your brothers look up to you and lovingly hang off everything you say

your random hugs, I love how you hug me so often for no reason at all

your plans to travel Europe

your dreams of what you might be when you grow up, the possibilities are endless, truly

you are always right by my side at the moment, like you're keeping watch, looking after me, and I am treasuring every moment.

Happy Birthday beautiful boy, we love you! x

courage..

How do you put an old head on young shoulders, I know I can't, but I wish I could.

One of our boys came home from school on Friday, holding it together just long enough to get through the door before he burst into tears.  It's been going on for some time, one particular child who knows just what to say, to have those words hit right where it hurts most.

Actually, his problem isn't directly with our boy, well it never used to be as they'd always been friends. He constantly picks on another whom our boy is good friends with.  He'll regularly target this boy and try to get others to do the same.  It's always been verbal and mental bullying before.  I've been concerned for this boy and wondered if his parents are aware of what their son is dealing with each day.

Gradually the bully has turned against our boy because he refuses to stop being this other child's friend. He's tried to talk to him, to work out their differences, but it goes nowhere. I've always been grateful that our son comes home and tells us about it though we are trusted to never, ever say anything to anyone about it ever!

He wants to deal with it himself, and so we listen, we give advice, and we help him to deal with the constant antagonising.  There have been several times when I've decided that enough was enough, and we as parents need to intervene, but he refuses, and I don't want to loose his trust.  I don't want him to stop talking to us about things, at least we know what's going on, right?

On Friday though, this bully called upon another child whom our son refuses to name, and together they had our son on the ground and kicked him repeatedly, somehow not hard enough to bruise him physically, but that's not the point.

When they stopped and our son asked why they were doing this, the bully said its because he's still friends with the other boy.  We are shocked that this happened.  Shocked that it turned physical.  And so, so angry.

We know the only thing to do is to intervene, but he begged and pleaded through tears that we don't, that he can handle it, that we've taught him resilience and he can take it!  Resilience.  This is what we teach our children.  How do we teach them not to be frightened of doing the right thing and reporting it, that it won't stop until he does?

We've tried our best to assure him that as soon as we bring all of this to the attention of the school and/or the child's parents it will stop.  He told us that we have to understand  if we report this he won't have a single friend as a result, and he doesn't want to risk that.

What do you do, break his trust, risk alienating him, have him withdraw and never open up to us again?  I hate this.  I hate seeing him so stressed at bedtimes, regular sleepless nights, frustration building at home until he explodes, his belief in himself and his decisions compromised.  None of this is ok, and we can't allow it to continue, but dealing with it is going to be one very delicate task.  

We've commended him on his extraordinary courage, told him how proud of him we are that his reason for not defending himself and fighting back is because he says two wrongs don't make a right.  What we also need him to understand is that sometimes it also takes great courage to be brave and to report an incident like this.  He went to bed, tears rolling onto his pillow as he ponders that..

ten...

our big boy turns 10 today...

where did those years go...

double figures, big time now...

10 on the 10th of the 10th..

my Harvey,

you melt my heart, you make me laugh, you teach me everyday, 

you are my joy, my world & I am so proud to be your mama,

happy birthday beautiful boy, I love you...

treading water...

Do you ever feel as a parent you are in way over your head?  I do.  Our big boy is only 9 and I know I've talked about the trials and tribulations of raising this gorgeous boy several times over the last few months, but boy oh boy, I really am worried about what the teenage years hold...

He's always been shy.  We were the ones you'd see at gymbaroo or music & movement sitting in the background not participating, just watching everyone else have a wonderful time.  I was always a shy kid so I understand it & I haven't forced him into being someone he is not or making him uncomfortable in a social environment.  He's always needed time to 'warm up' no matter where we might be...

Though now at 9yrs old, his shyness comes across as just plain rudeness.  When people say hello, he'll mutter a hello back that is barely audible and not make eye contact, and sometimes even pretend he hasn't seen someone he knows across the street yelling out to him.  It's not only the shyness, he  mopes about, never sharing much of what he did in a day, he gets angry at his brothers and his tone can actually be quite scathing.  He challenged me at school recently, we eyeballed each other,I couldn't believe he didn't break his gaze.  We've addressed all of these incidents when they occur, thank goodness for my level headed rational husband, man he's one amazing dad, my hero!  We've talked things through & made sure the boundaries are very clear, respect for others and all those important things...

Mostly I worry that maybe something really is wrong.  He talks about things when he's ready, so that's good.  But I fear that as he gets older he'll withdraw more & more.  I know it's probably being dramatic but it does cross my mind, and you know, you hear all those horrible stories...what if he is struggling, what if these are signs I should be reading into & doing something about...

I have brothers who love & adore my boys.  According to every book you read, and my own gut instinct, all boys need good role models & a mentor, someone other than dad as they get older, so we are very lucky.  All of them are willing & able so I think maybe now is the time to call on them.  Make time for them to hang out, it can only be good I'm sure of that...

...

grateful for hugs with my big boy...

it's going to be hard to top that today...

sillyness and laughs over breaky, watching him in the backyard absorbed in his magical world, and a rare opportunity to take his picture without too much resistance...

more over here...

oh boy!

It's been a massive week here trying to project manage tradesmen, the little guy suddenly crying at kinder drop off again, the six year olds 'ways' and the big boy, well we are all learning a lot about life and parenting there! So this weekend I am very grateful for time to reflect, to step back, take it all in and to spending time with friends & their families around homemade wood-fired pizza & wine all afternoon..

It's true, when our mama's and nana's tell us how life is easy with babies, just wait till they grow up..boy were they right, and this is only the beginning!  It's so difficult trying to guide your babies through life, wanting to protect them, to shield them from all the bad stuff.  The reality is we can't.  We have to let them grow, let them make their own decisions and to be responsible for the choices they make.  Of course we do our best everyday, nurturing them teaching them right from wrong how to become good, loving, honest, respectful and compassionate people.  It's not easy.

Our big boy learned a huge lesson this week.  It was just horrible to watch him go through it, but I'm so proud that he acknowledged his mistake, owned it and was mature enough to face his friend and their parents and apologise for the role he played.  The role he played was not the villain by any means, but it wasn't right, he knew that, and he certainly knows it now!  At first I was furious at him, the other kids, the whole situation.  Then I just wanted to cry for him, but I held it back I asked him the questions, allowed him to answer to share his side and to realise what he'd done. 

When he approached the parents and other child, he didn't get into the whole 'he said, she said' banter, he could have, he wasn't the only one in the wrong, but he let it go and wore it.  A big deal when you're a 9 year old kid.  He's hurt, and sorry and he feels a bit let down by others, but he has learned something immeasurable, something that I believe will have a profound effect on who he is becoming, the kind of person he wants to be.

Oh boy, the years ahead seem a little torturous...argh, give me strength!!

Visit Maxabella for more grateful posts...

*I couldn't find a pic that felt right for this post, and as I was doing the dishes, admiring my babusha cups I was thinking how nice it would be to keep our babies all tucked in safe & sound like that...so that's the relevance, incase you wondered...

apron strings...

Our big boy went on camp this week.  I felt so weird & anxious about it this time.  It's not like he hasn't been away before, but somehow this time is different.  He's changing, growing up, and I'm not ready for him to do that yet.  Although I do think a few days away from us all will do him good.  No little brothers getting in his way, Mum not on his back about this or that, late nights & fun with his friends.  It's good medicine for all of us to do that occasionally! 

He's craving his own space and independence.  He's always been a sensible kid, so it's not that I don't trust him to be responsible, it's everything else out there that I have no control over that frightens me, I think.  I know it's all part of growing up, all those experiences, good & bad, help to shape who we are, but I want to wrap him up in a safe & secure little cocoon, I'm not ready for him to grow up yet, not ready to loosen the apron strings even just a little.  He is only 9 years old, he's still a little boy & he'll always be my baby.  I tell all my boys this, they'll always be my babies even when they are big grown men with babies of their own, and they laugh at this, picturing their poor old mumma fussing about them.

I love that he hugs me often, quietly & unexpectedly and then continues on his way.  I love his smell in the nook of his neck where I would bury my nose when he was tiny & breathe him in, I love how he still wants me to sing the same bedtime song that we have always sung every single night, the way he looks up to and admires his dad, and so proud when I notice something & say "that's just like Dad". I love his wacky sense of humour and how he plays & plays for hours on end, his imagination is limitless.

And I love that he comes home tomorrow, I can't wait to hold him & hear all the stories about camp.  But who am I kidding!  The reality will most likely be that he's tired, grumpy, stinky & not wanting to talk about much at all! I remember being exactly the same after being away from home.  I'm sure after a good nights sleep in his own bed we'll hear every detail over breakfast...

rules...

So it's a new school year.  A new school year always has it's share of teething problems, a settling in period.  New teachers, new classmates, more challenges and new rules....

I'm a rules girl, I always have been.  My big boy is definitely a rules boy.  This need for structure, order & rules must have kicked in at about 2yrs I'd say because as a baby he did NOT follow any rules & had this first time mama in a spin!  Though, as a toddler, when my girlfriends & I would catch up weekly with our babies & we'd laugh at how the big boy would be ensuring everyone was safe, doing the right thing, no standing on tables or chewing on small objects, not on his watch! We'd have a chuckle about how he'd grow up as the school monitor, the prefect in later years, and then the sensible chaperon in their teens...

As he grew, his need for order & structure continued.  We've had to throw caution to the wind a little, not get too bogged down with planning ahead, being a bit spontaneous as he was putting way too much pressure on himself.  He's a good kid, hates to ever do the wrong thing, would never intentionally do the wrong thing and last night my big boy broke down in tears, sobbing his little broken heart out because he was issued a 'blue' slip at school.  Apparently this new 'blue' slip is your first warning, and according to my boy when you get 3 'blue' slips the government has to be involved & parents are called to the principles office...and, well, we don't know what happens beyond that point! 

Absolutely devastated, my boy explained to me that he received the 'blue' slip for playing tiggy in a non-tiggy playing area.  A new rule.  A new rule that he was not aware of.  We talked about it in depth and he was eventually able to go to sleep feeling less criminal.  At what point do you go to the school and say something?  Rules are rules.  I understand that they are trying to be more forceful early on, but is this a little extreme?  One of my little grade 1 boys mates is so afraid of the new rules that he actually sits in the assembly area all lunch time to avoid doing anything wrong or being late!  

I made a point of speaking to my big boys teacher this morning.  Panic set in just a bit as I knocked on the classroom door.  Am I being overprotective?  Should I just let the dust settle before I go on in & question the running of the school?  I went on in explaining how completely devastated my boy was to be in trouble, how he couldn't comprehend how he'd gone from being a class representative last year to a 'naughty' kid so quickly.  I don't like to complain, but when my child is so distressed, you have to do something, surely!  I explained that we have accepted this 'blue' slip, all be it a little extreme and I suggested they revisit the new school rules to ensure the kids are all very clear on the expectations. 

I love our school & I have been very supportive and really quite impressed with the changes that have been made and the emphasis on our school values, but the last thing you want is the good kids loosing faith in the system they've always taken such pride in...   

ambition...

My big boy was 'sick' yesterday & spent the day at home with me, well, experiencing a day in the life of me which is more like running from school for the preppie, then to kinder then home for a bit, the post office, a delivery, back to kinder, back to school & finally home again, not quite the day off he was hoping for, but we did find time to sit and chat over a hot chocolate which is always an insightful experience. Our big boy is quite the thinker, he likes to ponder on all matter of things & yesterday it was his future...

He was asking how it is that Kevin Rudd could be replaced as our country's leader, who he thought might be the next best person, which in his 8yr old opinion wasn't looking too good if you listen to all the banter on television.  "So" he says, "if I were to become Prime Minister one day, I'm sort of on the right track by being elected as class representative for Student Voice this year, although I think we need to be  promoting ourselves a bit more because I don't think you really get to do enough, we could do a lot more...and then how old do I need to be to join the debating team?"  Nothing like a bit of ambition, God love him! 

I don't know, I quite liked his ideas of becoming an archaeologist,  Jedi knight, rock-star, stunt man, building designer, pilot...

Regardless, I'm proud as punch right now, as I sit & stitch on his leaders badge..

priceless...

The sheer joy of walking into the lounge and seeing my big boy all settled in for a quiet night of crafting...

So adorable!  It almost brought a tear to my eye when he said he's weaving a scarf for his brothers birthday. I tell you, it will be the most treasured gift, the birthday boy will be beside himself receiving a handmade scarf from his big brother & greatest idol...