what is personality?

The other day, a video showed up in my email inbox as part of my weekly Mercola newsletter. The video was an excerpt of a lecture by a leading autism researcher. I listened to about 10 minutes until I had to move on to other activities, but one thing he said kept sticking with me. He said that each child receives a large percentage of the mother's cumulative toxic load while in utero. This is especially significant for first-born children.

This information resonated with me for a few reasons. First, it passed the common sense test. I evaluate all new medical "data" primarily by applying it to common sense. I consider everything I've learned and accepted previously on the subject, then ask myself if the new data would logically follow. In this case, I knew that nearly all US mothers have a high toxic load, and that their cumulative toxicity typically increases as they age. I also know that most US mothers have a cocktail of toxins stored in their fatty tissues and that the level of toxins in our environment has increased significantly in just the past two generations. And I know that due to the Standard American Diet and the prevalence of prescription medications in both our bathroom cabinets and our drinking water, most US mothers have clogged livers in varying degrees that prevent our bodies from successfully clearing these toxins. It would only make (common) sense, then, that we could pass these on to our children and that our firstborns could receive the bulk of them.

Second, purely through experience, it seems that of all the children I know who have any of the autism spectrum disorders, Tourette's, significant OCD, ADD, or hyperactivity, most are firstborns. Subsequent children often seem to not have these issues at all; if they do, symptoms are much milder. This is actually a pattern I had noticed before the video offered a plausible explanation. Before, I had chalked it up to not knowing as much with firstborns as with future siblings -- not as much about good nutrition, about healthy birth practices, about the dangers of a chemical environment. In my particular circle of friends, that is probably the case. However, is it within the general public?

I decided I needed to do some quick internet searching to see if there was truly an increased percentage of firstborns with autism compared to later siblings. Turns out, one study kept coming up that showed an increased rate not only in firstborns as compared to later siblings, but also in firstborns of mothers of advanced maternal age (over 35) as compared to firstborns of younger mothers.

For me, this simply solidified the theory the autism researcher had posited in his video. Certainly, as mothers age, their cumulative toxic load would also increase. This could certainly result in more toxins given to firstborns in direct relation to the age of the mother.

Now our researcher didn't simply leave it at mom has accumulated toxins equals mom has child with autism. His theory actually pointed to untimely viruses, either through vaccinations or through natural causes, having a domino effect in the body of a child whose system is already overwhelmed by clearing mom's inherited toxins. The end result was a drastic and aggressive growth of mold & yeast within the body, causing brain changes that developed into autism. Yikes. But very interesting, since (again) circumstantial evidence has pointed to aspects of this theory for a long time. For example, on the Tourette's board I used to visit, clearing systemic yeast & avoiding molds was one of the first courses of action for new visitors. There were also many parents who reported that their children developed their first tics within a week of their preschool booster vaccines (about 30% of new visitors showed up after a recent vaccine which left their child noticeably ticcing without any prior history). And then strep throat was another known trigger. There was even a name for this type of Tourette's development, called PANDAS, and it was treated by a heavy course of antibiotics, sometimes lasting years.

It was thrilling to hear someone bring all these random aspects together into a comprehensible, plausible course of events where I could finally understand how the entire system could degrade from start to finish.

Now although I learned quite a bit of new information about the systemic effects of maternal toxins, it doesn't change much for me personally. I will still avoid the same chemicals I always have and I'll still keep them from Sydney and from our new baby. In fact, at this point, if given the choice to be rid of the Tourette's forever through either surgery or some magic pill, I suspect I would deny it. You can read all the labels in the world, read everything ever written on additives & preservatives & chemicals, spend hundreds of dollars on mold testing and environmental cleansing, but I will still be better at avoiding these toxins. All it takes is one serving of a chemical-laden food or five minutes in a moldy home or a home with high VOCs, or one glass of water from a city water source or a mildewed container, and I know to avoid it. I've come to view it as an innate skill rather than a burden to bear, particulary since if I avoid all those chemicals and mold and VOCs, I suffer zero symptoms. Why would I give that up?

Well, I also occasionally suffer symptoms from biological sources. This tells me my body is out of whack, and it typically takes just a couple weeks of trial and error or a visit to Dr. Lang to get back on track. Again, why in the world would I give that up? What an inexpensive diagnostic tool!

But hearing the new theory has raised some different questions for me. What if this is true? What if all firstborns, like myself, get the majority of their mom's toxic load? There are exceptions, of course. Mothers who develop a serious disease that requires a litany of prescription medicine or even chemotherapy, or mothers who accept a job with significant environmental exposure to toxins, etc., etc., could easily pass a more toxic load to later siblings than to their firstborns. But for the sake of generalization, if firstborns tend to have a higher toxic load at birth than later siblings, how does that affect the notorious "personality of firstborns?"

Much has been written about the various personality generalizations of children in certain spots in the birth order, but firstborns and lastborns probably receive the bulk of the attention. Firstborns are thought to be selfish, jealous, quick to temper, highstrung, hyperactive, but creative, outgoing, funny, entertaining, and happy in the spotlight. Conventional wisdom says this is the case because they were the center of attention for those years before baby #2 came along. But is it possible that some of these personality attributes are actually the result of an early toxic load and its domino effect on the body?

Although the attributes of the firstborn are also often seen in those with high-functioning autism, ADD, OCD & Tourette's, I would probably have laughed off this possibility even six months ago. But I've spent the past six months in pregnancy with wildly fluctuating hormones that have left me feeling a strong deja vu for the way I reacted to things throughout my twenties. After a few of these jealous, insecure, hormonal episodes, I began to wonder why I was having a resurgence of feelings I felt I'd grown out of, that I'd left behind. At a prenatal with my midwife, she happened to mention that I needed to take special care with my liver right now as it was processing the hormonal equivalent of 200 birth control pills a day. I then remembered my friend telling me she could never take birth control pills because they made her hormonal and crazy.

And suddenly I wondered if my insecurity and jealousy and general focus on boyfriends throughout my 20s wasn't so much my personality as it was those damn birth control pills.

What if I'd not been focused on guys so much? What if the birth control pills were robbing me of the mental stability I was craving? Would I have finished school earlier? Would I have told exes what I now wish I'd said? Would I have not played games I now wish I'd never played?

Or, as another friend put it, "What could we have done with our lives if we weren't so busy being sluts?" Not that the whole slutty thing was really my thing, but the obsessive components I've felt off and on throughout this pregnancy, the crying jags, the longings for escape, the distrust of people who claimed to love me, yeah, that was my thing. What could I have done with my life if I wasn't so busy chasing love -- love that was probably already there?

That was a very weird realization for me. I know the same friend who commiserated with me on chasing guys too much had her own smack up the head realization when she had to test her blood sugar daily & it came back as a big fat hypoglycemic diagnosis. She was thrown for a loop. What if all this time I thought anger & rage was just my personality, when in reality, I would have been fine if I'd just eaten something, she wondered. I remember when I recognized my own rage issues with low blood sugar. I was actually relieved. I was relieved that I was not, in fact, an angry person or worse yet, an out-of-control mother. I just needed to eat when I was hungry and stay away from foods that caused big crashes afterwards.

What is it about finding a potential chemical cause for what we assumed was a personality quirk that rocks our foundation as it does?

I think it has to do with the connection we have in our minds of personality and spirit. I know that I have always assumed that my spirit, my soul, is intricately tied with my personality. I haven't actually given it any conscious thought; I simply envision my soul as this wispy, ethereal version of my personality buried somewhere in the middle of my body.

But when we realize that our personality could just as well be formed by biological responses to chemical factors, well, where does that leave us? It leaves us with an identity crisis in many ways. And it leaves us exploring further our definition of our soul. If our soul and our personality are different and separate, then what exactly defines our soul?

What big questions to have when I'm so tired and busy in general. But they are too important to ignore. For the first time in my life, I could perhaps glimpse my own soul, learn to define it, get to know it. How could I not give that attention?

third trimester blues

I would really like to know if one day, I will quit feeling guilty about all the various ways I am shortchanging my child. Children. Either one.

Sassy is at Nana's for two nights. I dropped her off tonight. My dad asked me why 2 nights. I told him they would treat her better over there. He laughed like I was joking, but sadly, I'm not. Last night, I had what I'd refer to as a "toddler meltdown," you know, that same type of meltdown that happens when you push, push, push a tired toddler about three hours too far and then you pay. Only I'm old enough to curse, so I did. A lot.

And you know, that's just the tip of the iceberg. Right now my biggest guilt revolves around Christmas and my absolute, complete lack of interest in it. This is not me! Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I love every last bit of it. The Christmas music, which I only play between Thanksgiving & Christmas, so it doesn't lose its allure. The Christmas village, meticulously set up each year on the mantel. Unwrapping each ornament to gingerly arrange on the tree, recounting where it came from and why it is special. I've barely kept myself from shoving these traditions down the throat of my previously-a-little-too-young-to-get-it daughter for the past 5 years.

But now....now that she's finally old enough to really get it, to really get into it all with me, I just don't care. The tree? Sounds like a lot of hassle and worse yet, a lot of cleanup. The village? Oh, come on, somebody will have to put that away and nobody does it right but me. And I'll have a new baby! I don't want to have to fool with a breakable village! I play the Christmas music and it really does nothing for me. Yeah, yeah, the herald angels are singing, we know. Silent night in the little town of Bethlehem, baby's in the manger, I've got my own baby to worry about right now thankyouverymuch!

Not that I'm trying to belittle the birth of Jesus, really I'm not. I feel like I should feel more of something. More awe, more wonder, more gratitude, more grace, more love, more joy, more something. But really, I feel tired. And grumpy. And way too sensitive & insecure & paranoid & hormonal for my own good. And...that's about it.

Except guilt. I feel guilty too.

So does the guilt eventually end? Do these hormones eventually normalize? Does the energy come back? Does the thick emotional skin regrow? Do the endless tears finally end? I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it just seems like one long ass tunnel that is called "my new life," like I'll never feel like my old self again. I hope that's not true.

zee bagel shoppe

I woke up today after yet another full night's sleep (thank you body pillow for the sweet, sweet sleep) and sat down to do my 5 hours of Monday work. Most of you know about the virtual assistant job I have now with a local SEO company. Well, Monday's the big work day around here, so I typically either stay close to home all day working around small breaks or I go out to a wireless joint like Panera.

I thought of Panera this morning, but then decided as much as I'd like to go out & work without distractions, I really couldn't afford it. My gas tank was on empty, complete with gas light every time I started the car, and I had tapped all my spending money as an advance to pay for our Thanksgiving meal. But, once I got Panera in my head, I couldn't get bagels out of my head. Mmmmm....bagels. Bagels with sweet cream cheese. Yum.

After trying to talk myself out of the bagel possibility for a good half hour, I finally decided to look up a bagel recipe. How hard could it be, I figured? Probably most of the time would be hands-off time anyway, so I could work at the same time.

Well the recipe looked easy enough so I jumped in and had so much fun! And they turned out to be very yummy. I think I might become a regular bagel-maker. What a cool skill to acquire!

I made two types: sweet cinnamon & plain with salt. Here's some of the process.

First, I mixed & kneaded the bagel dough. I learned quite a bit about kneading dough in this part of the process. Jeff helped me figure out when it had been kneaded enough, which I had never learned before. I realized it has a totally different feel when the kneading is complete and that if you did it enough, you'd recognize the difference right away. Hand-kneading dough is one of those things I enjoy the same way I enjoy hanging our laundry. I could use the KitchenAid mixer for kneading dough or I could use the dryer for our clothes, but doing it the old way is so much more satisfying. (Not so, by the way, with dishes. The automatic dishwasher is far more satisfying than handwashing. By leaps and leaps and bounds and bounds.)

I broke the dough into little balls & let them rest and rise for a bit. Then, I rolled them into bagels. You start with rolling into a snake that is the width of both palms together. Then, you wrap the bagel around one hand to make a circle with the "seam" on your palm side, so you can press down to seal the seam more easily. I need to work on sealing the seams better next time. My seams split during the boiling phase, but baked up okay regardless.

Here they are shaped and resting/rising for the second time:



After resting & rising for 20 minutes in their bagel shapes, it was time to boil them for a minute on each side:



I baked them on well-oiled trays. One tray had oil with cinnamon & sugar sprinkled on it & the other tray had only oil & salt. They only had to bake for 10 minutes on each side.

We ended up with half a dozen bagels of each type. I mixed cream cheese with maple syrup and walnuts to make a sweet cream cheese spread.



I ate three! Ooh, they were so good. In fact, I think I'm about to make another for a nighttime snack. Yum.



Oh, and Sassy was happy. She bounced through the house saying, "Mommy made HEALTHY bagels! We can eat them!"

I won't be putting this one on my Supper in Seconds blog, considering it took at least 40 minutes of hands-on time, rather than the 10-minutes I like to keep recipes to on that blog. But if anyone would like the recipe, leave me a comment & I can easily pass it along.

And speaking of my other blogs, you might notice on the right-hand side of this blog, I've listed my others complete with RSS feeds that let you know when they were last updated. I've been updating Supper in Seconds a bit more lately.