the mama bear instinct

I am reading a book right now that I highly recommend, Protecting the Gift. Here's a man who has studied the subject of Predicting and Preventing Violence for a living, and has been a part of three different Presidential cabinets to proactively protect the President, as well as set up systems for protecting countless other public figures, and he is telling us mothers, in a nutshell, to trust our instincts. It is such common practice to deny our instincts in our culture, because they can't be substantiated with evidence.

As the author explains, instincts are coming from our wild brain, rather than our logical brain. Do you think that humans, unlike any other animal, were created with extensive verbal abilities, artistic and creative talents, the innate ability to invent, a conscience, intelligence, and yet no defenses? In the natural selection process, that would be completely crazy (and impossible)! No, humans have distinct signs & signals that they subconciously recognize immediately as impending violence from another human. Think of the signs & signals a dog shows when they are about to be violent: ears back, eyes set, growling, showing of teeth. None of us poo-pooh the dog signals when we see them. We walk away! But if a human begins to show signs that make us feel uncomfortable, creeped-out, nervous, or afraid, we try to convince ourselves that it's all in our heads.

So the bottom line: trust your instincts!

Another of the more interesting parts of the book is that all humans have within them the propensity for violence. Even the most timid, quiet woman, who would "never hurt a fly" would defend her child to her death. I guess I never realized this was such a universal experience for healthy parents. I laid awake countless nights when Jeff was working until midnight, trying to sleep, and running through the "hero" scenario I had created in case someone broke into our home before he got back. I never would have had a hero scenario for myself--in fact, I would probably have been too afraid to fight back if push came to shove. But, with Sassy? I would fight to the death. I would hold nothing back. Stabbing someone in the eyes, for example, is a very gross thing to imagine just sitting here, typing away at my computer, but if you were trying to attack my child? I would not hesitate.

This is very interesting to me, because I realized that I have subconsciously known this since she was born and have been acting accordingly. In our city, there are many crime-ridden areas around the downtown area. Ever since Sassy was born, I have been completely nervous and on edge to go into these areas without her, but when she's with me, I barely worry about it at all. The reason suddenly clicked for me while I was reading the book last night. I feel strong, empowered, ready (and able) to fight with every dirty trick I could think of. Why? Because when Sassy's with me, my whole job is to protect her, and I am secure that I would not hesitate to do so, and it gives me a different sense of confidence.

Oddly, it's the same in normal social situations. I don't feel like an awkward (and hopelessly dorky!) 30-something when I'm in a group of 20-somethings at the coffee houses or shopping centers, or what have you, when I have Sassy with me. Instead, I am always in protector mode, and I'm much more likely to say, "F*** off," than anything.

And what's funny is that this attitude is magnified even more when I'm pregnant. I have been wondering why I have become more confrontational while pregnant. The other day, I made a flippant comment to a man in the store about how sad he must be that he's so grumpy all the time because I smiled at him, and he blatantly looked away, no smile back, three times. Jeff says that pregnancy might not be the best time to be so confrontational. But, I think there's two reasons for it: (1) when I am carrying a baby, I am always in uber-confident protector mode and (2) my midwife says your body instinctively knows not to let your emotions overrule you while pregnant--that your body tries to keep you as stable as possible for the health of the growing baby. I have noticed how I keep letting anger float right by, where I used to hang onto it for days, or weeks. Saying what I really think to rude people helps me let the anger float away, and protecting the little joey gives me the confidence to do it.

Does everyone else feel more confident in the public when their kids are with them, or is it just me?