mama grape: the AP reject

Just to set the record straight, I do still identify with the attachment parenting principles en masse, but lately, I've been feeling like I'm using less and less of the "toolbox." Of course, I don't have any wee little ones anymore. Just my one little grape, who's already 3 (!!). So, AP sort of turns into this gentle discipline thing when they reach that age. You're most likely not going to carry them around in a sling--my word, I can't even imagine what that would feel like to my shoulders--and even ABC-type carriers are reserved for hiking at this age. Even the majority of the most avid nursers have given that up in the past year. We do still co-sleep, and let me tell you, it's luxurious. I really wouldn't have it any other way. But, aside from that, all of the AP energy I had when Sassy was a baby is directed at this huge, disparate topic of gentle discipline now.

And there are so many different opinions of exactly what constitutes gentle discipline. It's somewhere between "no spanking" and "developing a close, connected relationship with your child where he/she does what you say for the sheer joy of the connection between you." I'm sorry, I'm all for developing a close, connected relationship, but yeah, right. We are two different people. Many times we have two different opinions of what we would like to see happen in any given situation. And then you throw Daddy-o in the mix, and ay, ay, ay!

So, I'm coming out of the closet as the AP reject that I surely would be if I admitted my true feelings to my Mommy's group of other AP mamas.

****Reason Number One: I don't think spanking is the worst thing you can do. (Ahhh!) There, I've said it. And I'll stick by it. Since parenting is such a personal endeavor, I, of course, have very detailed opinions about spanking that go far beyond "it's not always terrible." I think spanking in anger is awful, and every time I've done it, I've felt sick to my stomach and stayed awake well into the night, looking at that peaceful little sleeping face beside me. After two or three times, I quit that altogether (and for what it's worth, that was over a year ago, and I haven't spanked once since then). I also think spanking regularly (as in, more than a handful of times in child's life) is useless. Spanking with any kind of object borders on abuse, IMO. If you've ever hit your child so hard, or with any kind of object that actually left a bruise, I think this is abuse. I would never do that no matter how angry I was, or what the transgression was, because I would forever feel terrible about myself, and I would most certainly witness fear in my child's eyes, which would make me feel like a monster. However, spanking very, very few times throughout a child's life? I can see where that might be useful. And whether or not Jeff and I ever participate in such a drastic action is beside the point. I still stand by my assertion that limited spanking is not the worst thing you can do as a parent.

So what is the worst you could do as a parent (besides physical, sexual, or verbal abuse)? That's easy...reject your child. Constant, repetitive, flat-out rejection. As parents, we know how small rejections can be a slippery slope. How we always have to be on guard to not let our attentions shut down. It goes something like this: child asks you to play, you say you don't have time. Child asks again, you say you are busy at xyz task right now. Child asks again, you say you are fixing dinner, ask someone else. Child quits asking. Child becomes a little more aggressive with friends, toys, you, self. After many days of the same routine, child begins to withdraw from you. Not only does child not ask you to play, child doesn't want your affection anymore.

The turning point for me as a parent-of-an-older-child happened when I recognized this pattern. It is true what they say! You must "fill their cup." Now, when I notice aggressive behavior in Sassy, I (hopefully) realize her cup is not full, and set out to fix this issue first. 99% of the time, the aggression clears up on its own. If I act aggressively toward her aggression, such as, "We do not push babies," or raise my voice in any way, or threaten her with any punitive action, it makes the situation much, much worse. Although it sounds odd, the best course of action for me has been to scoop her up, and talk in Mommy's lap. We talk about how we're feeling (mad, upset, sad, angry, etc.). We talk about what might make us feel better. I pay her focused, hands-on, intensive attention until her mood visibly turns around. Our days then go much more smoothly. Also, it helps greatly to plan to give her at least 30 minutes of Mommy/Sassy activity time every day. It is my opinion that children do often act out to get attention. But that doesn't mean I should ignore it. That means I should give her the attention!

So the reason I don't think very limited spanking is the worst thing you can possibly do as a parent is because those children who have parents that constantly fill their cups and let them know how much they are loved and appreciated and how very wonderful they are, but spank them when they dart out into oncoming traffic are probably better off than those children whose parents never spank, but also are so frustrated and so overwhelmed with having no clear discipline path that they end up rejecting their children when they misbehave. Spanking is often just replaced by yelling. It's very easy to do, and it represents the same power struggle. And it doesn't help.

******Reason Number Two: I threaten and bribe all the time. My typical threat goes something like this:

Me: Sassy, get in the car.
Sassy: runs down the driveway giggling
Me: Sassy, I'm going to count to 3. If you're not in the car, I'm going to come get you myself. 1...2...
Sassy: runs to get into car, laughing

You probably think this is because she thinks very awful things are going to happen to her if she doesn't come. Happily, no. Bad things don't happen to her at all if I get to 3. In fact, if I ever get to 3, I run to get her, pick her up, and either turn her upside down to get her giggling or hug her tight and say, "You little stinker, come on."

We do this with many things I ask her to do. If you don't put your shoes on, I will put them on. If you don't sit down for dinner, I will come get you. If you don't get off the furniture, I will get you down. I have no idea why it actually works, but I thank God that it does! Maybe I'm playing into her desire to be independent?

We also threaten with things. I don't have a problem with this. I think material things are highly overrated in our culture, so if she loses one for awhile or even permanently, it's probably a good lesson to learn early. (Of course if something were very important to her, she would never lose it permanently by me.)

Our newest lesson is about toys on the kitchen floor. Our kitchen is a very busy place, and though I have very few requirements about the general state of the house, having the kitchen floor clear is one of them. She is welcome to bring her toys into the kitchen, and she is welcome to play with them while I'm working. But if she gets up and leaves them on the floor, they could end up in the trash. She accepted this idea very quickly. It took two times of throwing her toys in the trash, and now she will come running to get them if I merely say, "Your toys are on the kitchen floor!" It's rather amusing, because I sound like such a hard-a** here, but when I threw away her toys, I first took the lid off the garbage can. Then, I lined it with paper towels & cardboard so her toys wouldn't get dirty. I gently set them on top and then called to her, "I threw your toys in the trash!" She came running in and grabbed her toys out of the trash can with a concerned look on her face. I didn't care at all that she took them back out, because she took them right into the living room where they belong, which was the point in the first place.

And as for the bribing? We bribe on two occasions: eating dinner & going potty on demand. If she eats a good dinner (not all, but a lot of it), she can have a few chocolate chips after dinner. If she goes potty on demand, i.e...before we get in the car, before bed, etc., she can have a few chocolate chips. That's about it. I prefer to use consequences rather than bribes. But, neither is very favorable in the AP world.

****Reason Number 3: Sometimes we make her sit on the stairs. Well, sometimes Jeff makes her sit on the stairs. But she won't sit for me. She doesn't accept power struggles with me very well at all. Which makes total sense to me. I am her light right now. I am with her 24 hours a day, most days, and--well, remember what it was like when you were three? Your mama was everything to you. I would get angry and out of control too, if the one person I loved more than anyone in the world was mad and raising her voice to me and acting like I was a bad kid and making me sit somewhere as a punishment when the whole reason I probably acted poorly in the first place was because I didn't have enough of her attention that day. So, I do something similar, but different. I have her sit in my lap for xyz amount of time, usually 2 minutes. We can sit and snuggle and talk about the behavior, or whatever she wants to talk about, but she can't get up until her 2 minutes are up. This has always filled her cup, which is what she needed to begin with.

*****Reason Number 4: I hate Alfie Kohn. I think he's damn preachy, and he thinks he's right about everything and that you're going to totally mess up your kids for life if you don't do exactly what he says. And I also think he's focusing on the little tiny picture instead of emphasizing the whole forest. I mean, come on--what is up with this "Good job" business? Here's a secret: you're not going to ruin your kids if you say "Good job" to them. It's really not going to happen. Maybe, maybe if you said "Good job" to your daughter 50 times a day, she would learn that she couldn't count on you for any kind of real opinion, maybe she'd turn to her boyfriend when she's 16 because he gives her the real dirt, and maybe her boyfriend's on cocaine, and maybe he gets her addicted to cocaine because she's "in love" with him, because she's never had anyone tell her how it really is before and she's convinced he's so honest with her because he loves her too. Sure, maybe that will happen. But, if your toddler draws a really freaking cool picture of a boat with people in it, and tells you it's a boat with people in it, and your socks are knocked off because you had no idea she could draw that well, and you belt out an enthusiastic, "Good Job!" it is not going to ruin her life. In fact, it's probably going to make her darn proud of her picture, and when you put it in a frame, and hang it up on the wall like real art, she'll be practically giddy.

Alright, AP mamas, you can kick me out of the club. Those are my dirty little secrets. Do you still like me?