Only now does it occur to me... LOST IN AMERICA (1985)

Only now does it occur to me... that a throwaway line in Albert Brooks' road-trip satire may have influenced the TERMINATOR franchise.

During a brief exchange between Brooks, Julie Hagerty, and a motorcycle cop (that ends with a ticket being avoided due to a mutual appreciation of EASY RIDER), Brooks says:

"Did you see THE TERMINATOR?" 



–"No, I didn't. Heard about it, though."


"You should see it. You look like him."


"Thank you."

Now, since LOST IN AMERICA was made in 1985, Brooks must be referring to Cameron's original TERMINATOR (from 1984), drawing a humorous comparison based on the cop's demeanor and sunglasses, comparing him to Arnold Schwarzenegger's titular character. However, while the cop doesn't actually resemble Arnold in any meaningful way, he is a dead ringer for Robert Patrick's motorcycle cop-impersonating T-1000 in TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY...

...which was not released until six years later, in 1991. So maybe James Cameron was watching LOST IN AMERICA when he decided he needed a motorcycle cop Terminator? Or perhaps Brooks is referring to Patrick, whom he glimpsed in a time-traveling VHS copy of TERMINATOR 2. (Which must have been the splitting point for the Berenstain Bears parallel universe.)

Only now does it occur to me.... DANGEROUSLY CLOSE (1986)

Only now does it occur to me... that Cannon Films––the studio of DEATH WISH 3 and INVASION U.S.A.––was capable of turning out a socially progressive message picture! While BREAKIN' 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO may sort of tackle corrupt real estate developers and BLOODSPORT might address shady Kumite ethics, DANGEROUSLY CLOSE––helmed by Albert Pyun, director of CYBORG, VICIOUS LIPS, and KICKBOXER 2: THE ROAD BACK ––takes a bleak and (mostly) sober look at yuppie vigilantism and institutionalized hate, updated for the '80s.

It's an oddly effective mashup of THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME, FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH, WALL STREET, and THE STEPFORD WIVES with a sort of STREETS OF FIRE/music video aesthetic (the smoke machines are working overtime).

It depicts a gang of preppy neo-fascists (called "The Sentinels") who are hell-bent on ridding their Academy of "undesirables,"

whether that means subculturally speaking, or otherwise.

In other words, the lone punk in a sea of preppies should be worried.

It prefigures HEATHERS (with none of the humor) as a cynical high school movie willing to "go there," particularly in depicting its suspicion of authority figures, the horror of school shootings,

 toxic jock culture,

and the American System's segregationalist tendencies.

The best part is that this is all dressed up in a video box that gives top billing to "Featuring Robert Palmer's Grammy Award-Winning Song 'Addicted to Love'!"

[Indeed, the soundtrack is pretty good––featuring music by Depeche Mode, Black Uhuru, Fine Young Cannibals, The Smithereens, and T.S.O.L., among others.] 

I wouldn't call it a masterpiece, but it's more sensible than you'd expect from Pyun, and almost plays like a grim riposte to the optimistic sex comedies, Savage Steve Holland romps, and John Hughes flicks that dominated the '80s teen landscape.

Only now does it occur to me... HELLRAISER IV: BLOODLINE (1996)

Only now does it occur to me... that HELLRAISER IV: BLOODLINE wants to have its cake and eat it, too.  Particularly, it wants to have its "Let them eat cake"-cake, with extended 18th Century flashbacks that kinda feel like the ones in ANGEL, questionable accents and all:

Yes, that is PARKS & RECREATION's Adam Scott on the left.

It wants to have its James Cameron cake, too, with a frame story taking place in 2127 on a space-station shaped like a deconstructed Lament Configuration:


In case we didn't get the Cameron vibe completely, there are Space Marines:

T-800-lookin' robots:

and twin security guards, just like in TERMINATOR 2 (albeit under different circumstances):

HELLRAISER IV versus....

TERMINATOR 2.

It wants to have its Brian de Palma cake:

Again, that's Adam Scott on the right-hand side of this De Palma shot, only now he's been transformed into a 90s yuppie.

Its "corporate thriller" cake":

Yes, that is a catered dinner in the lobby of a skyscraper that's been decorated to look like an enormous Lament Configuration.

Not to mention its John Carpenter cake:

(I can't believe they profaned Carpenter's favorite (Albertus) font with the Alan Smithee name!)


A lot of this schizophrenia probably has to do with the fact that Clive Barker's concept was gutted by studio budget cuts, and horror maestro Stuart Gordon dropped out. He was replaced by TALES FROM THE CRYPT's Kevin Yagher, who presided over what was supposedly a clusterfuck of a shoot, and then HALLOWEEN 666's Joe Chapelle was brought in to do studio ordered, Pinhead-centric reshoots after Yagher refused. (All of which ended with Yagher choosing to be credited as the infamous "Alan Smithee.")

In all, this is not a great movie––and it doesn't even have a song by Motörhead or a CD Cenobite, like in HELLRAISER III. Though I do appreciate the "in space!" aspect, also seen in JASON X, CRITTERS 4: THEY'RE INVADING YOUR SPACE, or LEPRECHAUN 4: IN SPACE.
 
 Doug Bradley, who'd rather be doing RICHARD III.


Christine Harnos, who you may remember from DAZED AND CONFUSED and as "Mark Greene's first wife" from ER.

Bruce Ramsay, who kinda looks like Jean-Claude Van Damme. But remember: there can only be one Jean-Claude Faux Damme!

Additionally, this was the last HELLRAISER film to be released theatrically, and I feel as if I've made an accurate assessment of its quality. Note: there are five more after this. And another one supposedly coming out next year. Whew!

Only now does it occur to me... AMERICAN PSYCHO: THE NOVEL (1991)

Only now does it occur to me... that infamous Bret Easton Ellis alter ego "Patrick Bateman"––a Jason Voorhees/Gordon Gekko-hybrid and misogynistic serial murderer who probably attends underground yuppie Kumites, a character who notably masturbates to the murder-drill scene from BODY DOUBLE, classifies THE RETURN OF BRUNO as his favorite compact disc, and weeps through episodes of ALF––worships at the altar of Donald Trump. And we're not talking a "harmless pop culture cameo" like in HOME ALONE 2: Bateman, the untethered id of the THEY LIVE generation, literally idolizes Trump, between his Big Brother-ish branding of the moneyed cityscape and his amoral personal instruction in the (ghostwritten) THE ART OF THE DEAL. In a way, Trump is the character's mentor, his greatest ambition, his source of comfort. The Trump name merits twenty-seven mentions throughout this 1991 novel––once every fourteen pages. Here are ten of them:

10. "...best of all, The Patty Winters Show this morning was in two parts. The first was an exclusive interview with Donald Trump, the second was a report on women who've been tortured." (p. 256)

9. "I pause, unsure of what to say, and come up with 'Futility... is hard to deal with.'
I am thinking about nothing. It's silent in the office. To break it, I point out the book on top of the desk, next to the San Pellegrino bottle. The Art of the Deal, by Donald Trump.
'Have you read it?' I ask Kimball.
'No,' he sighs, but politely asks, 'Is it any good?'
'It's very good,' I say, nodding. (p. 276)

8. "'We're going to a party Donald Trump's having,' I lie.
'Big fun. Very big fun.'
'Donald's a nice guy. You should meet him,' I say. 'I'll... introduce you to him.'
'Really?' Sean asks, maybe hopefully, maybe not. (p. 229)

7. "'Thirty bucks at the door apiece is not exactly slumming, Evelyn.' Then I ask, suspiciously, 'Why wasn't Donald Trump invited to your party?'
'Not Donald Trump again,' Evelyn moans. 'Oh god. Is that why you were acting like such a buffoon? This obsession has got to end!' she practically shouts. (p. 194)

6. "'Is that Donald Trump's car?' I ask, looking over at the limousine stuck next to us in gridlock.
'Oh god, Patrick. Shut up,' she says, her voice thick and drugged." (p. 93)

5. "'Listen,' she says. 'The Young Republican bash at the Pla...' She stops herself as if remembering something, then continues, 'at the Trump Plaza is next Thursday.'"

4. "'Here.' He reaches into his pocket and hands me a Xeroxed article. 'I just wanted to prove you wrong. Read this.'
'What is it,' I ask, opening the folded page.
'It's an article on your hero, Donald Trump.' McDermott grins.
'It sure is,' I say apprehensively. 'Why didn't I ever see this, I wonder.'" (p. 109)

3. "I look up, admiringly, at Trump Tower, tall, proudly gleaming in the late afternoon sunlight. In front of it two smart-ass n****r teenagers are ripping off tourists at three-card monte and I have to fight the impulse to blow them away." (p. 385)

2. "Faded posters of Donald Trump on the cover of Time magazine cover the windows of another abandoned restaurant, what used to be Palaze, and this fills me with a newfound confidence." (p. 163)

1. "Everyone is very uptight at the concert Carruthers drags us to in New Jersey this evening, an Irish band called U2 who were on the cover of Time magazine last week...  Carruthers keeps trying to placate everyone by telling us that Donald Trump is a a big U2 fan..." (p. 142)

Film Review: MILLIONS (1991, Carlo Vanzina)

Stars: 2 of 5.
Running Time: 105 minutes.
Tag-line: "Some people have it all... but they still want more."
Notable Cast or Crew: Billy Zane (THE PHANTOM, TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DEMON KNIGHT, TWIN PEAKS), Lauren Hutton (fashion model, AMERICAN GIGOLO, John Carpenter's SOMEONE'S WATCHING ME), John Stockwell (MY SCIENCE PROJECT, TOP GUN, John Carpenter's CHRISTINE), Carol Alt (fashion model, BEYOND JUSTICE), Jean Sorel (BELLE DU JOUR, THE DAY OF THE JACKAL), Alexandra Paul (8 MILLION WAYS TO DIE, John Carpenter's CHRISTINE), and Donald Pleasence (John Carpenter's HALLOWEEN, PRINCE OF DARKNESS, ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK).
Best One-liner:  "You don't grasp the seriousness of the situation, Maurizio!"

The film is called MILLIONS.  It stars Billy Zane, an "Ama-Zane-ing" and much beloved actor on this site (particularly for his performance as "The Phantom" in SLAM EVIL).  It is a film largely about villas, yachts, comas, backstabbing, sports cars, and visible ass-crack; the typical preoccupations of low-rent Italo-Trash. It has perhaps the greatest quantity of "sleazy saxophone solos" ever to be confined to a 105 minute span.  Not to mention it's produced in part by corrupt, former Prime Minister of Italy Silvio Berlusconi. These are just the facts, ma'am.

Yet I'm still not sure what I just experienced.  It feels like a made-for-TV movie, or maybe a few episodes of a soap opera strung together, but seems to have had a theatrical release.  It's written and directed by Italians with an all-Italian crew, but with a mostly British and American cast, many of whom are culled from John Carpenter (!) movies. So I suppose it's a "Spaghetti Soap" if we need to categorize, and an often unbearable one at that.  (Still, it's a helluva lot better than Danny Boyle's MILLIONS.)

Now allow me to take you on the experience, nay, the journey that is the "DVD of MILLIONS."  It begins with the disc art itself, which is obviously magnificent:

Pretty sure Zane doesn't wear that sweater in the movie.  Pretty sure I don't care.

Then we have the menu, which lets us know right off the bat that this movie is 95% sleazy saxophone solos and lesser-than-VHS-quality picture.


Once inside the film proper, the saxophone only intensifies, as does the "lifestyles of the rich and yuppie" imagery:






SEE!  Billy Zane acting in a variety of scenarios where his scene partner is a bottle of champagne!



BEHOLD!  The "Billy Zane Slow Simmer" turn into the "Billy Zane Full-On Smolder" as he cruises his cousin on the dancefloor while listening to knockoff Madonna and ersatz C+C Music Factory!



GAZE UPON!  Lauren Hutton, tricked into believing this is a Real Movie that requires Real Acting!


CONTEMPLATE! The mysteries of the ages––for instance, what's the most obnoxious yuppified item in this tableau: the pretentious modern art, the designer trench, or the oversized mobile phone?

Trick question––it's the unused gym-grade exercise equipment!

BEAR WITNESS! As Billy Zane's eyebrows steal the movie, like they did in TITANIC:


OBSERVE! A possibly kidnapped (or at least under duress) Donald Pleasence as he appears in a random scene.  Does John Carpenter know about this? 


You know, I'd hate to see the THEY LIVE sunglasses used on this movie:

AIEEE!  Figures it'd be something like this!

Whew.  And though the film is over, the journey continues.  On to the cast bios!

This is clearly one of the best DVD bios in the history of the genre.  Birth Date?  Under control.  Birth Place?  Got it.  Where he randomly attended high school for one out of his four years?  Check.  Er... what?  For those of you who can't read the small print, the full Zane biography is as follows:

"Billy Zane attended the American School in Switzerland for his sophomore year of high school.  Was originally cast as Johnny Castle in "DIRTY DANCING" (1987) but lost the role due to his lack of dancing skills."

There's no page two... that's it!  A high school attendance factoid that no one would care to know (unless you were unsuccessfully trying to guess Billy Zane's email password and were on the "security questions" page), and an anecdote about one time Billy Zane was not hired for something because he wasn't talented enough.  Thanks, DVD!

Finally, we come to the coup de grâce: the "Photo Gallery."

Set to music I would describe as "similar to the ALF or perhaps the FAMILY TIES closing credits," we are treated to a series of wholly unspectacular freeze frames in a slideshow format, projected upon the pixelated image of a hundred dollar bill.  It's the entire movie, without dialogue, condensed to a minute and a half of rockin' sax/house music, and bookended by images of Billy Zane in Full-On Smolder mode.  Needless to say, I approve.

You know what, I'm feeling generous: two stars.

–Sean Gill

Only now does it occur to me... SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY (1991)

Only now does it occur to me... that SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY tries to do for drinking fountains what PSYCHO did for showers!

To illustrate my point, here are a few screen captures from two separate scenes in the film, both featuring the delightfully psychopathic Irish character actor Patrick Bergin (PATRIOT GAMES, LAWNMOWER MAN 2), of whom I had never taken particular notice.  My mistake.  This guy is fantastic.





He's fully and incredibly committed to his scary fountain slurping. Those are, I dare say, Eric Roberts levels of commitment.  In one scene, he screams "LAURA!  LAURA! LAURA!" over and over, probably thirty times, each time as impassioned as the first.

There's another drinking fountain scene with Julia Roberts in raggedy drag, unaware that (her stalker ex-husband) Bergin is in line behind her.


Immediately thereafter, the drinking fountain (who by now is, for all intents and purposes, a character in the film) takes revenge by squirting Bergin in the eye.

Whereupon he reacts with appropriate menace.

Scary stuff!  In case you were wondering what all this is about, SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY (directed by Joseph Ruben, who did THE STEPFATHER) is one of those early 1990s "domestic thrillers" that were so ubiquitous to the period (see also: MALICE, PACIFIC HEIGHTS, PRESUMED INNOCENT, PAST MIDNIGHT, BITTER MOON, THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE, CONSENTING ADULTS, etc., etc.).

Julia Roberts plays a bored yuppie housewife who is not merely bored, but in fact the captive of her terrifying OCD yuppie husband (Bergin) who is equal measures "violent Bret Easton Ellis character" and "militant neat freak."  Here he is discovering a slightly misaligned bathroom towel.  (Spoiler alert: it was Julia's fault!)




There's a surprisingly solid Jerry Goldsmith soundtrack in here too, but mostly SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY is a vehicle for Bergin to glower into the distance with a deranged expression.

This deranged expression.

Honestly, I only rented this movie because I was hoping for some "schmacting" flourishes from Julia Roberts (in the vein of THE PELICAN BRIEF) but the truth is she puts in a solid turn.  Instead, I ended up one Bergin the richer!