Film Review: BARB WIRE (1996, David Hogan)

Stars: 2 of 5?  3 of 5?  4 of 5?  Does it really matter?
Running Time: 100 minutes.
Tag-line: "Don't call me babe!"
Notable Cast or Crew: Pamela Anderson (BAYWATCH, V.I.P.), Temuera Morrison (ONCE WERE WARRIORS, ATTACK OF THE CLONES), Xander Berkeley (TERMINATOR 2, AIR FORCE ONE), Clint Howard (TANGO & CASH, ROCK N' ROLL HIGH SCHOOL), Udo Kier (BLOOD FOR DRACULA, BREAKING THE WAVES), Tommy "Tiny" Lister (EXTREME PREJUDICE, RUNAWAY TRAIN), Tony Bill (director of FIVE CORNERS and UNTAMED HEART), Jack Noseworthy (Bon Jovi's music video "Always," IDLE HANDS, ENCINO MAN), John Paxton (SPIDER-MAN, A SIMPLE PLAN), Steve Railsback (HELTER SKELTER, LIFEFORCE, THE STUNT MAN), Victoria Rowell (THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS, DUMB AND DUMBER), Shelly Desai (THELMA & LOUISE, ESCAPE FROM L.A.), and Joey Sagal (THE HIDDEN, BEYOND THE LAW).  Written by Chuck Pfarrer (HARD TARGET, DARKMAN, NAVY SEALS) and Ilene Chaiken (THE L WORD, THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR).
Best One-liner:  Uh... "Don't call me babe?"

In a familiar, darkened alleyway:

"So, what's new?"
–"I'll tell ya what's new.  There was supposed to be an 'Only now does it occur to me...' for BARB WIRE, but now there's a full-blown review."
"I remember when that came out.  What is it that occurs to you?"
–"Several things. More than several. But most importantly, only now does it occur to me... that BARB WIRE is a remake of CASABLANCA."

"This?  You've gotta be shittin' me. You're like those people who make claims such as "THE PAPERBOY is the CITIZEN KANE of jellyfish urination movies, or that "BLOODSPORT 4 is the SCHINDLER'S LIST of Bulgarian Kumite flicks."
–"I happen to stand by those assessments, but this is no joke.  BARB WIRE is legitimately a retelling of CASABLANCA, and it's more faithful to the source material than 90% of remakes.  It's possible that Gus Van Sant's shot-for-shot remake of PSYCHO is less faithful.  Although, in this version, Pamela Anderson is Humphrey Bogart, and Temuera Morrison––apparently best known for playing Boba Fett's clone-dad or whatever in the STAR WARS prequels––is Ingrid Bergman."
"You're pulling my leg."
–"You know what would probably be easier?  Let's go ahead and re-edit the beginning of the plot description from the Wikipedia page for CASABLANCA. It's sorta like Mad Libs:

"In December 1941 2017, American Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart) Barb Wire (Pamela Anderson) is the proprietor of an upscale nightclub and gambling den in the free city of Casablanca Steel Harbor.

"Rick's Café Américain" "The Hammerhead" attracts a varied clientele: Vichy French and German officials Steel Harbor Provisional Gov't and American Crypto-Nazi officials; refugees desperate to reach the still neutral United States Canada; and those who prey on them.

Although Rick Barb professes to be neutral in all matters, it is later revealed he she fought on the loyalist side in the Spanish Civil War Second American Civil War.

Petty crook Ugarte (Peter Lorre) Schmitz (Clint Howard) arrives and boasts to Rick Barb of "letters of transit" eyeballs for retinal scanners obtained by murdering two Fascist couriers.

 

The papers eyeballs allow the bearers to travel freely around German-controlled Europe the divided United States, and are thus almost priceless to the refugees stranded in Casablanca Steel Harbor.

Ugarte Schmitz plans to sell them at the club that night, and asks Rick to hold them hides them in Barb's bar. Before he can meet his contact, he is arrested by the local police under the command of Captain Louis Renault (Claude Rains) Alexander Willis (Xander Berkeley), an unabashedly corrupt Vichy  Steel Harbor official.

At this point, the reason for Rick's Barb Wire's bitterness—former lover Ilsa Lund (Ingrid Bergman) Axel Hood (Temuera Morrison)—walks into his her establishment.  She he is accompanied by her his husband girlfriend, Victor Laszlo (Paul Henreid) Corrina Devonshire (Victoria Rowell), a renowned fugitive Resistance leader scientist.

They need the letters eyeballs to escape to America Canada. Nazi Major Strasser (Conrad Veidt) Colonel Pryzer (Steve Railsback)

has come to Casablanca Steel Harbor to see that Laszlo Corrina does not succeed..."

"Wait, you're telling me that Clint Howard is their Peter Lorre?"
–"That's all you have to say?! This is incredible! How is this not the first thing that anyone mentions when they talk about BARB WIRE?"
"I think you're overestimating how many people are still talking about BARB WIRE.  And, I don't know, these images just don't read very 'CASABLANCA' to me.  Looks more like a live action GHOST IN THE SHELL-themed rave or something."

–"Well, I mean, it's not exact––"
"And I don't remember a ten minute opening sequence of a semi-nude Humphrey Bogart cavorting beneath the endless spray of a fire hose."

–"It's been a while since I saw CASABLANCA, I can't remember if that scene made the final cut or not––"
"And I definitely don't recall this many van explosions."


–"They might be in there.  Maybe during the 'fall of Paris' flashback.  And sure, BARB WIRE has a slightly more 'John Woo/Robert Rodriguez' flavor than the original, but..."


"Does CASABLANCA end with the Nazis developing weaponized AIDS and Major Strasser attacking Rick with a forklift while doing Steve Railsback's psycho Manson-cackle from HELTER SKELTER?"



–"You're nitpicking.  But who's to say that wouldn't have improved CASABLANCA?  Now, you've highlighted some minor differences, but come on.  There are only a few things in this world we know for sure.  Soylent Green is people, coffee's for closers only, and BARB WIRE is CASABLANCA!

'Play it again, DJ S.A.M.'

The blocking's similar throughout,

the airport scene in the fog's nearly exact, 

 

'Here's looking at you... babe!'

'Don't call me babe.'

right down to the beginning of a 'very beautiful friendship' between

Barb and Claude Rains!

Hell, they have their own Sydney Greenstreet, for godssake!"


"Alright. You've convinced me that it's CASABLANCA. But you haven't convinced me to watch it."
–"Allow me to make one final observation.  Two simple words: Udo Kier.  I can make it three if you like: bald Udo Kier.  Wanna try for five?  Bald, face-tattoo'd Udo Kier."

"I'm listening."
–"It's even better if you consider that he was shooting this concurrently with BREAKING THE WAVES."

"Can I be honest with you?"
–"Sure."
"I'm probably still not going to watch this."
–"Eh.  That's okay."


––Sean Gill

Film Review: MY SON, MY SON, WHAT HAVE YE DONE? (2009, Werner Herzog)

Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: 93 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Michael Shannon, Willem Dafoe, Brad Dourif, Grace Zabriskie, Udo Kier, Chloë Sevigny, Verne Troyer, Irma P. Hall. Presented by David Lynch. Shot by Peter Zeitlinger.
Tag-line: "The mystery isn't who... but why?"
Best one-liner: "Razzle... dazzle..."

You could say that this is a portrait of an obsessed, delusional figure; or, you could say this is a vehicle for Brad Dourif to talk about a behemoth (pronounced as "ba-hay-muth") chicken; and you'd be right on both counts. It's comedy, it's tragedy, it's Herzog. David Lynch is the executive producer, so there's been a lot of talk of "poor man's Lynch," and "weirdness for its own sake," and so on. Herzog has said that he and Lynch are kindred spirits: while their films to not 'speak' to one another exactly, they have 'danced' with one another. Lynch was instrumental to this project only so far as he paired director, producer, and casting- he had no creative input. In Lynch's honor, Herzog made an homage or two (a man on a treadmill has an oxygen mask), but before you mention 'Lynch's shadow,' know that Herzog was making movies about little people 20 years before TWIN PEAKS.

MY SON, MY SON... is a brilliant film, and one which is pure, unadulterated Werner.

The peculiarities of the film's characters do not exist as empty quirk, as some have criticized, they represent the victory of humanity in the face of nature's indifference.

Mental illness, misfiring synapses, bad chemicals- these are the base and vile weapons of a cruel universe. Madness is almost a rational retort to the insane stimuli served up by fate, God, the cosmos, whatever you want to call it. Owning a Razzle Dazzle mug, transforming your home into the flamingo and cactus-infused equivalent of Pee-Wee's Playhouse:

fixing up a vat of black Jell-O, seeing God in a tube of oatmeal:

abandoning a basketball in a tree:

these are humanity's ways, however twisted or trivial, of combating the impassivity: of leaving our mark on the world, no matter how insignificant it may seem. A man's schizophrenic notion (that the entire world is scrutinizing him) is transformed by Herzog into a meditation on interesting faces in a Peruvian marketplace. Peter Zeitlinger's (Herzog's primary DP since the 90's) camera roves and roams and dashes and flutters about this film like some twitterpated bird- it views the world through an innocent, excitable kino-eye.

And if BAD LIEUTENANT is Herzog's 'lizard' movie, then it must be said that MY SON, MY SON is for the birds- or should I say "dinosaurs in drag?" (a fact that Udo Kier learns quite unexpectedly when an ostrich schlerps on his spectacles).


"Disgusting!"


Shannon and Uncle Ted (Brad Dourif) look on.

The performances are astounding, too- Michael Shannon's piercing frustration:

Grace Zabriskie's terrifyingly doting mother:

Willem Dafoe's considerate cop trying to put the pieces together:

Udo Kier's Euro-theater director who's having none of your sports analogies, and Dourif's grimy Uncle Ted ["The only thing Greeks know how to play with is each other's balls!"].

This is a magnificent film, and one that ends with an ambiguous image viewed first by who Herzog would call a "perpetual tourist" and then by who he'd call a "citizen of the world." This movie was made for the latter.

-Sean Gill

Film Review: MOTHER OF TEARS (2008, Dario Argento)

Stars: 4.8 of 5.
Running Time: 102 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Asia Argento, Udo Kier, Dario Nicolodi (back in an Argento film for the first time since their breakup during 1987's OPERA), Coralina Cataldi-Tassoni (the seamstress in OPERA, the birthday honoree in DEMONS 2), Jun Ichikawa. Music by Claudio Simonetti.
Tag-line: "What you see does not exist. What you cannot see is truth."
Best one-liner: "Who wants to eat the girl?"

MYTH: Dario Argento has never made a completely coherent film.
FACT: He has, it just doesn't happen to be this one.

Udo Kier angrily demands a coherent script.

MYTH: Dario Argento has never been able to resist gratuitously showing his daughter Asia naked.
FACT: He has. Back when she was 11, in DEMONS 2. But, then again, he didn't direct that one, he wrote and produced.

MYTH: Dario Argento has never been able to resist gratuitously torturing his daughter Asia.


Asia in a skull and maggot pit, in homage to his own PHENOMENA (1985).

FACT: Actually, that is a pretty accurate statement.

MYTH: Argento's films have gotten less gory over time.

Dario preps one of his buddies.


Coralina Cataldi-Tassoni gets wrapped in her own entrails or something.


A witch hoochie (Jun Ichikawa) is about to be messed up real bad.

FACT: This is a common belief among people who have just seen 2004's THE CARD PLAYER or 2005's DO YOU LIKE HITCHCOCK? Those of us who have seen the uncut JENIFER, PELTS, and MOTHER OF TEARS realize that Argento is undergoing probably not only the goriest stage of his career, but perhaps of all film history.

MYTH: This movie has a lame ending.

FACT: Only if you think Asia Argento destroying a witch by disrobing her with a giant spear is lame. Which, if you do, you probably shouldn't be watching Argento movies anyway.

MYTH: There's no way you could make a good drinking game out of this movie.
FACT: Try a drink every time they whisper 'Motttthhherrr.' If that's not enough, do one for every time you see an evil monkey or a member of the international army of witch hoochies.


MYTH: This film does not make for a good double feature with anything.

FACT: Try it with Mr. T's BE SOMEBODY OR BE SOMEBODY'S FOOL, specifically the "Treat Your Mother Right" rap, which seriously would have made amazing closing credits music.

Not that there's anything wrong with Daemonia's heavy metal effort, "(SHE'S OUR) MUTHAH OF TEARS!"

MYTH: This movie dishonors the reputation and visuals of SUSPIRIA and INFERNO.
FACT: You will be laughing too hard to care.

-Sean Gill

2009 Halloween Countdown

31. PROM NIGHT (1980, Paul Lynch)
30. PHENOMENA (1985, Dario Argento)
29. HOUSE OF WAX (1953, André de Toth)
28. SILENT RAGE (1982, Michael Miller)
27. BASKET CASE (1982, Frank Henenlotter)
26. THE DEADLY SPAWN (1983, Douglas McKeown)
25. PELTS (2006, Dario Argento)
24. ANGEL HEART (1987, Alan Parker)
23. KILLER WORKOUT (1986, David A. Prior)
22. FREDDY'S DEAD: THE FINAL NIGHTMARE (1991, Rachel Talalay)
21. THE ABOMINABLE DR. PHIBES (1971, Robert Fuest)
20. FRANKENHOOKER (1990, Frank Henenlotter)
19. HELLRAISER (1987, Clive Barker)
18. GEEK MAGGOT BINGO (1983, Nick Zedd)
17. ALLIGATOR (1980, Lewis Teague)
16. LIZARD IN A WOMAN'S SKIN (1971, Lucio Fulci)
15. THE CARD PLAYER (2004, Dario Argento)
14. SPASMO (1974, Umberto Lenzi)
13. C.H.U.D. (1984, Douglas Cheek)
12. FRIDAY THE 13TH PART III (1982, Steve Miner)
11. SWAMP THING (1982, Wes Craven)
10. DIARY OF THE DEAD (2008, George A. Romero)
9. THE LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM (1988, Ken Russell)
8. PIECES (1982, Juan Piquer Simón)
7. THE NEW YORK RIPPER (1982, Lucio Fulci)
6. MOTHER OF TEARS (2008, Dario Argento)
5.
...