R.I.P., Tom Noonan

 

R.I.P. to Tom Noonan, one of the all-time great character actors, who sometimes played a gentle giant, but mostly a series of unspeakably frightening/whispering menaces, whose performances in THE MONSTER SQUAD, COLLISION COURSE, EIGHT-LEGGED FREAKS, GLORIA, HEAVEN'S GATE, and MANHUNTER have been much discussed on this site. I never publicly reviewed his amazing directorial debut, WHAT HAPPENED WAS, or his seminal roles in LAST ACTION HERO, HEAT, ANOMALISA, or ROBOCOP 2. I occasionally saw him as an audience member at performances of downtown NYC theater, trying not to draw attention to himself (his lanky and iconic 6'6'' frame made that difficult!) as he supported local and underground theater artists. I have no other choice than to deem him one of the coolest to ever do it.

Only now does it occur to me... GLORIA (1980)

Only now does it occur to me... that Gena Rowlands truly belongs in the Eastwood-Bronson canon. Her performance in John Cassavetes' GLORIA––as a brassy New Yorker who ends up playing bodyguard to a neighbor kid when his family is massacred by the mob––is majestically badass, as if Bette Davis were cast as Paul Kersey in DEATH WISH. I'd rank it among the best performances in any 80s action-thriller. It's a remarkable role because there's really nothing to compare it to: she's a fifty-something female action star who does most of her badassery while slinging around a oversized grandma purse, wobbling on open-toe Salvation Army heels, and dressed like she's on her way from a halfway house to a librarian's job interview.


Obviously, this is my new favorite thing in the world. Watch her get the upper hand on a mobster in a subway car (who I believe is a young Sonny Landham from PREDATOR and 48 HRS.)








For my money, this actually bests the "Do you feel lucky, punk?" speech from DIRTY HARRY.

All of this is set among a sleazy 1980, pre-Giuliani NYC––from deep in the Bronx to deeper in Queens––a gritty world where Lawrence Tierney's the bartender

young Tom Noonan (MANHUNTER, ROBOCOP 2) is a lanky mob henchman,

and there are bit parts by a desperate Buck Henry (THE MAN WHO FELL TO EARTH, THE GRADUATE)

and a nervous Julie Carmen (probably best known to readers of this site for IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS).

This whole thing is set to a deliciously melodramatic score by Bill Conti (ROCKY, THE KARATE KID). I'd long heard GLORIA written off as a "Cassavetes goes mainstream" sort of project (although Akira Kurosawa ranked it among his favorite films), but it's truly a master's class in acting, as intense as any of his more highly regarded masterpieces (THE KILLING OF A CHINESE BOOKIE, A WOMAN UNDER THE INFLUENCE, etc.), and I can't recommend it enough.

Only now does it occur to me... EIGHT-LEGGED FREAKS

Only now does it occur to me...  that EIGHT-LEGGED FREAKS ain't that bad!  For years, I'd judged this film by its (SyFy-channel?) cover and deemed it an unwatchable CGI shitstorm.  While, in fact, there is more CGI than you can shake a severed spider leg at, I really admired its goofy sensibility. 

 

It's a throwback to the classic creature features and is fun in a very sincere way– it never self-consciously draws attention to its apparent "badness" –therefore, it's more "TREMORS" than "SNAKES ON PLANE."  Other clear points of reference are ARACHNOPHOBIA (killer spiders in a small town), JURASSIC PARK (a kid expert proves invaluable), DAWN OF THE DEAD (they hole up in a mall), and GREMLINS (the spiders eventually start making 'yippee!' and 'humuna-humuna-humuna' noises, not unlike the evil Mogwai).  All of this is appreciated.  

Anyway, I guess my point is: the world needs more giant killer spider movies.  

Also of note: David Arquette goes whole hog, screaming things "THEY'RE HEEEEEEEEERE!" and "YOU EIGHT-LEGGED FREAKS!" 

with legitimately insane élan.  I'd grown used to thinking of David as the least of the Arquettes, but between this, the SCREAM series and his channeling of Steven Weber in RIDING THE BULLET, he's making a strong case for himself.

I also really like this tableau, whereupon a man in a Jason Vorhees-style hockey mask hacks away with a chainsaw, Leatherface-style, at a horde of CGI spiders.  And I daresay we're looking at a nearly Argento-ish color palette.

Finally, I must give special mention to an uncredited Tom Noonan (character acting legend and part-time horror film personality, thanks to MANHUNTER, THE X-FILES, and THE MONSTER SQUAD).  He first appears as a cricket-obsessed creepster (with shades of Dwight Frye in DRACULA?)

who we then discover is only a lovable spider expert and mentor-figure,

though he's still got the eerily calm, nearly threatening vocal intonations Noonan fans have grown to love.  By the eight minute mark, he's killed by an entire room of spiders

...but that's okay.  I'll tip my hat to ya, EIGHT-LEGGED FREAKS!

2014 HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN

1.  FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 2: TEXAS BLOOD MONEY (1999, Scott Spiegel)

2.  MARK OF THE VAMPIRE (1935, Tod Browning)

3.  FULL MOON HIGH (1981, Larry Cohen)

4. ...

Film Review: COLLISION COURSE (1989, Lewis Teague)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 100 minutes.

Tag-line: "Not So Much A Lethal Weapon, More Of A Liability!"

Notable Cast or Crew: Pat Morita (THE KARATE KID, BLOODSPORT 2), Jay Leno (SILVER BEARS, AMERICAN HOT WAX, THE TONIGHT SHOW), Chris Sarandon (THE PRINCESS BRIDE, DOG DAY AFTERNOON, TALES FROM THE CRYPT: BORDELLO OF BLOOD), Tom Noonan (MANHUNTER, THE MONSTER SQUAD), Ernie Hudson (GHOSTBUSTERS, THE CROW), Al Waxman (CLASS OF 1984, MEATBALLS III: SUMMER JOB), Dennis Holahan (HALLOWEEN II, KUFFS), Soon-Tek Oh (DEATH WISH IV: THE CRACKDOWN, MISSING IN ACTION 2: THE BEGINNING), Randall "Tex" Cobb (RAISING ARIZONA, BLIND FURY), Richard Gant (ROCKY V, "Hostetler" on DEADWOOD).  Music by Ira Newborn (FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF, SIXTEEN CANDLES, WISE GUYS).  Directed by Lewis Teague (CAT'S EYE, CUJO).

Best One-liner: "Hey, hey, we're the Monkees!"

In a familiar, darkened alley, two Thunderbird-swilling cineastes make small-talk:

–"I'm bored.  Whatcha got for me?"
"Here's a philosophical question.  What's better than watching a train wreck?"
–"I don't know.  Is that a trick question?"
"What about the moment of anticipation, right before the train wreck?"
–"Okay..."
"When the train is on course to collide with something.  A "COLLISION COURSE," if you will."
–"Where are you going with this?"

"Alright.  What I got here, is a big, dumb, character actor-heavy buddy cop movie in the tradition of such classics as RUNNING SCARED, V.I. WARSHAWSKI, and FATAL BEAUTY.  It stars Jay Leno and Pat Morita.  Interested?"
–"Keep goin'.  I'm gonna need more than that."
"Well it's kind of a East-meets-West, fish-out-of-water story where Motor City cop Jay Leno  becomes begrudging partners with Pat Morita of Tokyo PD after a Japanese businessman is murdered over the design of a car prototype, which leads to plenty of villains shouting things like 'WHERE IS THE PROTOTYPE?!' and it's also personal, because an old ex-cop buddy of Leno's was murdered by the same prototype-seeking bad guys.  Also, I'd bet you anything Leno agreed to do this based on his unhealthy love of custom cars alone."

–"It sounds mediocre, like a second-tier RED HEAT.  I need to know more."
"What?!  How much more do you need?"
–"I don't know.  If I'm going to watch a movie with Jay Leno in it, I'm probably going to need at least thirteen reasons."

"Alright.  Easy peasy Leno squeezy."
–"Please never say that again."
"Fine.  #1.  How 'bout DEATH WISH 4's Soon-Tek Oh as Morita's no-nonsense boss in Tokyo, who's always coming down hard on him for bein' an action-luvin' hot-dog of a cop?"

–"You're leading with Soon-Tek Oh?  This movie hasn't got a chance."
"When did you become so picky?  And besides, Soon-Tek is the man.  He was on AIRWOLF, THE A-TEAM, he's in MISSING IN ACTION 2: THE BEGINNING...  not to mention GOOD GUYS WEAR BLACK, NIGHT GALLERY, T.J. HOOKER..."
–"Okay, I'm sorry."
"You should be.  Ready for #2?  Here it comes: Chris Sarandon."

–"WHAT?!  But also, I don't really like that 'stache."
"Too bad!  You think he cares?  Sarandon's the big villain of the piece, but he's built a persona of respectability where he hands out giant checks to underprivileged youths."

–"He sounds like a ROBOCOP antagonist."
"That's not too far off the mark.  And that ain't a bad thing, either.  He's sort of phonin' it in, but every once in a while he does something fantastic, like beating a man about the head and neck with a napkin.  That's #3, by the way."




–"I was about to tell you it wasn't fair to use Sarandon for two different slots, but I have to admit that's a thing of beauty."
"Yup."
–"Wait, who is that, off to the right, looking vaguely uneasy about the napkin-beating?  He looks familiar..."
"Ohhhhhh yeah.  #4.  Tom motherluvin' Noonan!

He's here to occupy that 'villain's right-hand-man' spot, like Gary Busey in LETHAL WEAPON or Alexander Godunov in DIE HARD.  And he's playin' it weird."
–"What do you mean?"
"Imagine a kind of three-way cross between his blood-curdling 'Francis Dolarhyde' in MANHUNTER, Mr. Rogers, and an 80s prep school bully."
–"I don't think I can."
"I can show you better than I can tell you.  It's a clip called 'Tom Noonan's Quiet Menace.'"
–"I'm so scared."
"You should be.  Cause, #5, Noonan's got his own rocket launcher, too."

–"That's surely not worth it's own number.  Isn't that a given?"
"Lemme rephrase that:  #5, Noonan's got his own rocket launcher pistol."
–"Okay, you win.  You win everything."
"And feast your eyes on #6:  Leno's partner (before Pat Morita shows up) is none other than ghostbustin' Ernie Hudson."

–"I love Ernie Hudson!"
"Sadly, they don't give him much to do.  He has an action scene and a half before being relegated to 'the friend our hero calls for occasional favors and advice' duty.  It's sad, really, and a waste of Ernie Hudson.  One of the few sins this movie commits."
–"I've always been a GHOSTBUSTERS II man, myself."
"Of course you are.  Now, are you ready for the heavy stuff?  #7.  Social commentary."

–"Huh?"
"Yes sir:  this movie makes an occasionally earnest effort to say... something.  It's rarely sure what that is, exactly.  But it shows the decay of Rust Belt-era Detroit, and says 'that's a shame.'  It says, this city used to be proud of itself. It shows the resentment toward Asians and Asian auto manufacturers in a post-Vincent Chin world, even if it's masked by bad karate and Chop Suey jokes.  It reveals actual racial tensions, then grows uncomfortable with itself and drowns them in zany synth music and one-liners like "I oughta stir fry your face!"  So nobody's going to really draw any greater meaning from this movie, but as a document of 80s Detroit– forsaken by Big Auto and Big Money and thrown to the wolves– it might carry some kind of historical value.  I don't know."
–"You're kind of depressing me, man.  I had a buzz going."
"Ooookay.  Uh, how 'bout #8:  Jay Leno gets the drop on his quarry and delivers the following one-liner:

"Hey, hey, we're the Monkees!"

–"Awful.  And brilliant!"
 "#9.  The cat-and-mouse game between Leno and Morita before they realize they're both actually on the same side.  It involves both Leno hiding behind that "Get Well Soon" standby: a tiny balloon attached to what is essentially a glorified straw.  I suppose the joke is that his enormous chin is ill-concealed by the tiny balloon, which is not quite a joke, really, but I that's the sort of back-asswards comedic sensibility that makes this movie work.

Also, Pat Morita tries to hide himself inside a garment bag which is terrific.  I mean, look at this:
 
 it's a loopy kind of brilliance that simply doesn't exist outside an 80s action-comedy."
 –"I like it.  What next?"
"#10.  The awkward, drawn-out scene where Leno and Morita become true buddies for the first time.  It involves polishing off a box of KFC and an entire bottle of 12 year Chivas Regal and the repeated toast, 'Banzai!'  The pacing is seriously weird, even for a movie as uneven as this one.


Though I suppose we should be happy with the result, which is a hungover Jay Leno waking up underneath his coffee table

and smacking his head with tremendous force."
–"I like the sound of that."
"So you'll love the sound of #11: Scrappy L'il Pat Morita.  He knocks muggers unconscious with garbage pail lids

and bites the ankles of beefy henchmen.

It's all the lowdown, dirty action you always wanted in the KARATE KID movies but never got."
–"I feel like a kid on Christmas."
"You should.  But that's not all there is to his character– there's a touching scene where Jay Leno sends him to the dance floor in a BBQ restaurant so he can steal his ribs, or something,

but the joke is on Leno because Morita's having the time of his life flirting with the locals and throwing his hands in the air, waving them like he doesn't care, etc., etc...

That's #12, I suppose.  I haven't seen anybody that dignified rock that hard since David Warner did to Vanilla Ice in TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES II: THE SECRET OF THE OOZE."
–"Fair enough.  So what's #13?"
"I saved the best for last.  So it's the grand finale.  (Spoilers are about to be unleashed, if you think that matters for a movie like COLLISION COURSE.)  Jay Leno's wounded.  He's been shot in the lower buttock.  Pat Morita's trying to help him.  Jay's pulling the 'ole melodramatic 'Go on without me...' bit.  Just then, Chris Sarandon shows up in his luxury automobile, ready to run 'em down like dogs at the far end of a dead end alley. 

I mean, just look how happy he is.  But instead of turnin' tail while Chris tries to go all CHRISTINE on him, Pat Morita makes a stand, running at the vehicle with the confident élan of a Medieval jouster.

He launches himself into the air (er... at the blue screen, rather)

And, well.... perhaps I'd better just show you the splendorous result:
–"Sweet mother of mercy!"
"Yeah."
–"My God."
"Yeah."
–"I just watched it...  forty times."
"That's how it's meant to be watched, my friend."
–"You... were right... about a... Jay Leno movie..."
"I guess hell must have frozen over.  Wanna give AMERICAN HOT WAX a try?"
–"You know... I think I'd better not press my luck."

–Sean Gill


P.S.– COLLISION COURSE is directed by one of my favorites, Lewis Teague, who did ALLIGATOR, CAT'S EYE, CUJO, WEDLOCK, and NAVY SEALS.  It occurred to me just now that there's a  weird connection between Lewis Teague and fellow 80s maestro Todd Holland- both did multiple Stephen King adaptations, one weirdo buddy cop movie in the late 80's, lots o' horror flicks, and worked with Chris Sarandon.  Kinda weird.  Or maybe not.

Only now does it occur to me... HEAVEN'S GATE (1980)

Only now does it occur to me... that I'm not sure if a movie has ever been packed with as many beloved character actors as HEAVEN'S GATE, and I'll even include THE LONGEST DAY, COP LAND, THE EXPENDABLES, THE PLAYER, and MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS in consideration.

There's so much to say about HEAVEN'S GATE.  Probably too much.  From its tumultuous production that basically destroyed United Artists to its hideous reception to its latter-day critical re-evaluation to the Johnson County War on which it is based– one could fill a volume.  (And people have.)  In the end, I'd say it's an ambitious film which flirts with genius, is bogged down by poor pacing, but consistently holds the viewer spellbound with gorgeous Western imagery (courtesy of master cinematographer Vilmos Zsigmond) even when the narrative begins to dawdle. 

So set aside nearly four hours and give it a try– I'd say it's worth the time for the curious, the Western fan, the cinematography aficionado, or the character actor die-hard.  But more on that in a minute.  Then, see FINAL CUT: THE MAKING AND UNMAKING OF HEAVEN'S GATE (available in eight parts on YouTube here), and go ahead and read this interview with Cimino himself for a little taste of the outlandish (and possibly insane) creature who lurks beneath the surface of this genuinely talented and occasionally virtuosic director.

But for now, fasten your seatbelts, and prepare for a whirlwind tour of character actors, the sheer magnitude of whom may even give you whiplash: 

Coming up on the left here is Eastwood crony Geoffrey Lewis (10 TO MIDNIGHT, MIDNIGHT IN THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND EVIL, DOUBLE IMPACT, BRONCO BILLY, 'SALEM'S LOT, MAVERICK) looking like the live action mountain man version of "Pigpen" from peanuts.

Attached to Geoffrey Lewis is a hand.  And in that hand is a tongue.  And that tongue is attached to...

...Mickey Rourke?  

 

Lookin' pretty young there, Mickey!  Good show.

Down the road a spell is Terry O'Quinn (THE STEPFATHER, BLIND FURY, THE X-FILES, SILVER BULLET, THE ROCKETEER, "John Locke" on LOST)

He's got his hair still, and is playing a baseball-luvin' member of the U.S. Calvary.  In a strange tie-in with his character on LOST, he's got an injured leg and is carrying an important and mysterious "list" of names.

Continuing on with our journey, here's Richard Masur (IT, THE THING, LICENSE TO DRIVE, MR. BOOGEDY, RENT-A-COP, RISKY BUSINESS, MY GIRL)

chomping on a corn cob pipe, giving his all to his colorful brogue, and looking about as intense as he's ever looked (no small feat for a man generally typecast as "suburban dad").

Over on the right here, to the left of that presumably 19th Century malt liquor is edgy queen of French cinema Isabelle Huppert (THE PIANO TEACHER, AMOUR, I HEART HUCKABEE, COUP DE TORCHON, LA CEREMONIE, Hal Hartley's AMATEUR).

Up here behind the beard is Brad Dourif (CHILD'S PLAY, WISE BLOOD, ALIEN: RESURRECTION, DEADWOOD, THE TWO TOWERS, DUNE, ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST, THE EXORCIST III, BLUE VELVET, GRIM PRAIRIE TALES)

and sure he doesn't have much to do, but it's a modern-day Western, so we had to have Brad Dourif in some kind of old-timey spectacles.  I think it should be written into the SAG paperwork.

Around the bend in the proto-pimp costume is Bronson heavy Paul Koslo (THE OMEGA MAN, VANISHING POINT, THE STONE KILLER, MR. MAJESTYK, CLEOPATRA JONES, FREEBIE AND THE BEAN, LOVE AND BULLETS).

Then, over in that train with the fur hat and the lip carpet is Sam Waterston (THE KILLING FIELDS, THE GREAT GATSBY, SERIAL MOM, LAW AND ORDER, CRIMES AND MISDEMEANORS, CAPRICORN ONE)

who finally gets to play a bad guy, and to great effect!

Over to the side there, you can see a Kris Kristofferson (PAT GARRETT AND BILLY THE KID, BRING ME THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA, CONVOY, FLASHPOINT, BIG-TOP PEE-WEE, BLADE, and star of CHRISTMAS IN CONNECTICUT, the only feature Arnold Schwarzenegger ever directed) in his natural habitat.

And wait– who's that in the shadows behind him?  Why, it's the film debut of Willem Dafoe (THE LOVELESS, WILD AT HEART, ANTICHRIST, SPIDERMAN, TO LIVE AND DIE IN L.A., THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST, EXISTENZ, BODY OF EVIDENCE, BOONDOCK SAINTS, THE ENGLISH PATIENT).  He's just an extra, but, hot damn!

Down the path a spell is none other than Jeff Bridges (TRON, THE BIG LEBOWSKI, CUTTER'S WAY, THE LAST PICTURE SHOW, KING KONG '76, STARMAN, THUNDERBOLT AND LIGHTFOOT).

He's got a great intensity here in a supporting role– and supposedly when production wrapped, one of the many "cabin" sets were up for grabs, so Bridges swooped in, disassembled it, and reconstructed it on his ranch property!

Over in this glen is Christopher Walken (THE DEER HUNTER, ANNIE HALL, KING OF NEW YORK, THE DEAD ZONE, A VIEW TO A KILL, MCBAIN, BATMAN RETURNS, WAYNE'S WORLD 2, NEW ROSE HOTEL, KANGAROO JACK)

and I'll yes indeed shut my big mouth, shitpoke!  Another fine Walken badass role.

And then right here, if he'll put down the flask long enough for you to get a clear look– is none other than John Hurt (THE ELEPHANT MAN, I CLAUDIUS, ALIEN, THE HIT, 1984, THE STORYTELLER, KING RALPH, DOGVILLE, MIDNIGHT EXPRESS, DEAD MAN, HELLBOY, TINKER TAILOR SOLDIER SPY '11)!

He delivers an eccentric performance, dripping with pathos.  Like every other John Hurt performance!  The man is never anything less than superlative.

Then, upon examining the end credits, I realized that one of my favorites, Tom Noonan (MANHUNTER, HEAT, THE MONSTER SQUAD, THE LAST ACTION HERO, ROBOCOP 2, THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL, DAMAGES), was in the film as "Jake," and I didn't notice him!  To be fair, he may have been standing around the back with a beard and hat on, and I'm sure I would have seen him if I'd been looking in advance, but allow me to repeat this sentiment:  there were so many character actors that I missed Tom Noonan.

Whew!  I'm impressed.  I hope you've enjoyed this breakneck tour of character actors.  And perhaps in closing, it begs to be asked:  where the hell was Harry Dean Stanton?