Only now does it occur to me... GLORY YEARS (1987)

Only now does it occur to me... that GLORY YEARS is an exercise in abject mediocrity. An HBO "five-part comedy-adventure series" following the Las Vegas-centric antics of three extremely mediocre dudes––played by George Dzundza (THE DEER HUNTER, BASIC INSTINCT), Archie Hahn (PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE, GREMLINS 2), and Full Moon's own Tim Thomerson (TRANCERS, DOLLMAN)––

who gamble away the alumni fund from their twenty-year high school reunion and thereby launch a full two and a half hours' worth of half-baked Vegas shenanigans in the proto-HANGOVER vein. It's stale, it's lame, and it's peppered with weird, washed-up 80s cameos, like Mamie Van Doren as a madam

and Engelbert Humperdinck, Al Bernstein, and Joyce Brothers as themselves:

It's what the people want

When I made a heartfelt plea for Tim Thomerson to have larger, non-Charles Band-related roles in my review of NEAR DARK a decade (!) ago, I didn't mean this.

He does his best

However, the only reason we're here today is the "Of Whitesnakes and Witchboards... a Tawny Kitaen Retrospective."

And I've got the rootin-tootin zebra print to prove it!

As Thomerson's girlfriend, "Melinda,"

Kitaen is on screen for about 1/3 of the film, sometimes chiding Thomerson for being a sleaze, sometimes enacting wacky con-woman/gambler antics, sometimes just going around in statement bows, as is her wont.

At the very least, GLORY YEARS continues to establish two major trends in the Tawny canon. One is statement bows (see also: WITCHBOARD and CRYSTAL HEART). The other is getting married to a dopey dick at the climax (see also: BACHELOR PARTY).

Though, as you can see here, Tawny has combined her interest in weddings with her interest in statement bows. It's truly one of the Tawniest tableaux imaginable.

Generally speaking, her character is underused. She does get to sink her teeth into some comedy bits and a few dramatic scenes, however, so I'm sorry to report that a film this mediocre contains the role which might actually afford her the most performative range since she was possessed by a Depression-era axe murderer in WITCHBOARD. At the very least, GLORY YEARS demonstrates that Tawny deserved to play a supporting role in one of the sprawling Robert Altman Americana-mosaics, like SHORT CUTS or H.E.A.L.T.H. or A WEDDING; I just get the sense that she would have been a perfect fit for such an endeavor.

There are a shocking amount of Beatles tracks and classic Oldies tunes on the soundtrack which demonstrate that it was made during the sweet spot for music licensing, apparently. (Or else HBO dumped way too much money into this mess.) We also get a young Chazz Palminteri (THE USUAL SUSPECTS, A BRONX TALE) as a mafia hitman:

And the inimitable "Tiny" Lister (EXTREME PREJUDICE, NO HOLDS BARRED) as a hired goon who gets to make some delightfully over-the-top acting choices.

In the end, I would warn you to skip GLORY YEARS, but it would be difficult enough to stumble upon it in the course of a normal existence that I don't think it even requires such a warning. Can we let the Tawny retrospective end on such a note of mediocrity? I think not: stay tuned.

Film Review: BARB WIRE (1996, David Hogan)

Stars: 2 of 5?  3 of 5?  4 of 5?  Does it really matter?
Running Time: 100 minutes.
Tag-line: "Don't call me babe!"
Notable Cast or Crew: Pamela Anderson (BAYWATCH, V.I.P.), Temuera Morrison (ONCE WERE WARRIORS, ATTACK OF THE CLONES), Xander Berkeley (TERMINATOR 2, AIR FORCE ONE), Clint Howard (TANGO & CASH, ROCK N' ROLL HIGH SCHOOL), Udo Kier (BLOOD FOR DRACULA, BREAKING THE WAVES), Tommy "Tiny" Lister (EXTREME PREJUDICE, RUNAWAY TRAIN), Tony Bill (director of FIVE CORNERS and UNTAMED HEART), Jack Noseworthy (Bon Jovi's music video "Always," IDLE HANDS, ENCINO MAN), John Paxton (SPIDER-MAN, A SIMPLE PLAN), Steve Railsback (HELTER SKELTER, LIFEFORCE, THE STUNT MAN), Victoria Rowell (THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS, DUMB AND DUMBER), Shelly Desai (THELMA & LOUISE, ESCAPE FROM L.A.), and Joey Sagal (THE HIDDEN, BEYOND THE LAW).  Written by Chuck Pfarrer (HARD TARGET, DARKMAN, NAVY SEALS) and Ilene Chaiken (THE L WORD, THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR).
Best One-liner:  Uh... "Don't call me babe?"

In a familiar, darkened alleyway:

"So, what's new?"
–"I'll tell ya what's new.  There was supposed to be an 'Only now does it occur to me...' for BARB WIRE, but now there's a full-blown review."
"I remember when that came out.  What is it that occurs to you?"
–"Several things. More than several. But most importantly, only now does it occur to me... that BARB WIRE is a remake of CASABLANCA."

"This?  You've gotta be shittin' me. You're like those people who make claims such as "THE PAPERBOY is the CITIZEN KANE of jellyfish urination movies, or that "BLOODSPORT 4 is the SCHINDLER'S LIST of Bulgarian Kumite flicks."
–"I happen to stand by those assessments, but this is no joke.  BARB WIRE is legitimately a retelling of CASABLANCA, and it's more faithful to the source material than 90% of remakes.  It's possible that Gus Van Sant's shot-for-shot remake of PSYCHO is less faithful.  Although, in this version, Pamela Anderson is Humphrey Bogart, and Temuera Morrison––apparently best known for playing Boba Fett's clone-dad or whatever in the STAR WARS prequels––is Ingrid Bergman."
"You're pulling my leg."
–"You know what would probably be easier?  Let's go ahead and re-edit the beginning of the plot description from the Wikipedia page for CASABLANCA. It's sorta like Mad Libs:

"In December 1941 2017, American Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart) Barb Wire (Pamela Anderson) is the proprietor of an upscale nightclub and gambling den in the free city of Casablanca Steel Harbor.

"Rick's Café Américain" "The Hammerhead" attracts a varied clientele: Vichy French and German officials Steel Harbor Provisional Gov't and American Crypto-Nazi officials; refugees desperate to reach the still neutral United States Canada; and those who prey on them.

Although Rick Barb professes to be neutral in all matters, it is later revealed he she fought on the loyalist side in the Spanish Civil War Second American Civil War.

Petty crook Ugarte (Peter Lorre) Schmitz (Clint Howard) arrives and boasts to Rick Barb of "letters of transit" eyeballs for retinal scanners obtained by murdering two Fascist couriers.

 

The papers eyeballs allow the bearers to travel freely around German-controlled Europe the divided United States, and are thus almost priceless to the refugees stranded in Casablanca Steel Harbor.

Ugarte Schmitz plans to sell them at the club that night, and asks Rick to hold them hides them in Barb's bar. Before he can meet his contact, he is arrested by the local police under the command of Captain Louis Renault (Claude Rains) Alexander Willis (Xander Berkeley), an unabashedly corrupt Vichy  Steel Harbor official.

At this point, the reason for Rick's Barb Wire's bitterness—former lover Ilsa Lund (Ingrid Bergman) Axel Hood (Temuera Morrison)—walks into his her establishment.  She he is accompanied by her his husband girlfriend, Victor Laszlo (Paul Henreid) Corrina Devonshire (Victoria Rowell), a renowned fugitive Resistance leader scientist.

They need the letters eyeballs to escape to America Canada. Nazi Major Strasser (Conrad Veidt) Colonel Pryzer (Steve Railsback)

has come to Casablanca Steel Harbor to see that Laszlo Corrina does not succeed..."

"Wait, you're telling me that Clint Howard is their Peter Lorre?"
–"That's all you have to say?! This is incredible! How is this not the first thing that anyone mentions when they talk about BARB WIRE?"
"I think you're overestimating how many people are still talking about BARB WIRE.  And, I don't know, these images just don't read very 'CASABLANCA' to me.  Looks more like a live action GHOST IN THE SHELL-themed rave or something."

–"Well, I mean, it's not exact––"
"And I don't remember a ten minute opening sequence of a semi-nude Humphrey Bogart cavorting beneath the endless spray of a fire hose."

–"It's been a while since I saw CASABLANCA, I can't remember if that scene made the final cut or not––"
"And I definitely don't recall this many van explosions."


–"They might be in there.  Maybe during the 'fall of Paris' flashback.  And sure, BARB WIRE has a slightly more 'John Woo/Robert Rodriguez' flavor than the original, but..."


"Does CASABLANCA end with the Nazis developing weaponized AIDS and Major Strasser attacking Rick with a forklift while doing Steve Railsback's psycho Manson-cackle from HELTER SKELTER?"



–"You're nitpicking.  But who's to say that wouldn't have improved CASABLANCA?  Now, you've highlighted some minor differences, but come on.  There are only a few things in this world we know for sure.  Soylent Green is people, coffee's for closers only, and BARB WIRE is CASABLANCA!

'Play it again, DJ S.A.M.'

The blocking's similar throughout,

the airport scene in the fog's nearly exact, 

 

'Here's looking at you... babe!'

'Don't call me babe.'

right down to the beginning of a 'very beautiful friendship' between

Barb and Claude Rains!

Hell, they have their own Sydney Greenstreet, for godssake!"


"Alright. You've convinced me that it's CASABLANCA. But you haven't convinced me to watch it."
–"Allow me to make one final observation.  Two simple words: Udo Kier.  I can make it three if you like: bald Udo Kier.  Wanna try for five?  Bald, face-tattoo'd Udo Kier."

"I'm listening."
–"It's even better if you consider that he was shooting this concurrently with BREAKING THE WAVES."

"Can I be honest with you?"
–"Sure."
"I'm probably still not going to watch this."
–"Eh.  That's okay."


––Sean Gill

Only now does it occur to me... THINGS TO DO IN DENVER WHEN YOU'RE DEAD

Only now does it occur to me... that even in a movie where he's in a wheelchair,

Note the wig.

Christopher Walken manages to shoehorn in... a dance sequence!


Granted, it's via a short-lived flashback, but boy oh boy does the man love to dance.

In all, THINGS TO DO IN DENVER WHEN YOU'RE DEAD is sort of a mediocre "Guys Doing a Job" crime movie, injected with 90s indie quirkiness and a slightly out-of-place existential tone.  Clearly, the Weinsteins were trying to capture some Tarantino-ish lightning in a bottle once again, but it doesn't quite take.   However, the Guys Doing the Job are a terrific ensemble, as Andy Garcia assembles a team that includes trailer trash William Forsythe, sporting rainbow-colored tattoos and looking like his character from STONE COLD:

Christopher Lloyd as a crabby porno theater projectionist who's always complaining about how he just "lost a toe!":

Treat Williams as a psychotic ex-boxer and current funeral home employee who trains using corpses as punching bags:


and Bill Nunn, shot from low angles like his character Radio Raheem from DO THE RIGHT THING:

Bill Nunn in Denver...

...and Bed-Stuy.

Plus, we got Fairuza Balk as a streetwalker

doing that same sassy/punk/smartass thing she does in almost every 90s movie, but that's why we love her.

And closing it out over here is Steve Buscemi as "Mister Shhh," the master hitman––

 

who feels more like a character from a Rodriguez film instead of this one, but I s'pose that's fine, too. 

In all, a 90s curiosity that's far from essential viewing––but it does function as a tremendous repository of bizarre and brilliant acting choices.