"Dr. Bronner's or Dr. Strangelove?" in Slackjaw Magazine

In honor of the 60th Anniversary of Stanley Kubrick's Dr. Strangelove, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, I have a new humor piece up in Slackjaw Magazine.

Only now does it occur to me... WINTER KILLS

Only now does it occur to me...  that Sterling Hayden's beard could conquer the world.



Hell, I didn't even know he ever had a beard.

WINTER KILLS is a kinda lukewarm conspiracy thriller/comedy from the 1970s that's peppered with insane old Hollywood and character actor cameos.  But even in a film that has Junta Juleil faves like Jeff Bridges, John Huston, Anthony Perkins, Ralph Meeker, Elizabeth Taylor, Eli Wallach, Toshiro Mifune, Richard Boone, Dorothy Malone, and Joe Spinell, Sterling Hayden and his beard reign supreme.  He shows up (riding around with a complement of tanks), chases Jeff Bridges (who's in a car), exchanges some harsh words with him, gives him a 10 second head start, and then commences to fire shells at him as he zooms away.  The scene lasts under five minutes and doesn't really advance the plot, but damn, I loved it.  I can't truly recommend the film; despite being filled with these kinds of interesting curios and diversions, the sum is decidedly less than the parts.  Plus, it feels a little long.  Not Hayden's beard, that is– the film.  Hayden's beard is "just right."  Here, I'll let you look at it again as you leave:

Only now does it occur to me... THE GODFATHER!

Only now does it occur to me... that Sterling Hayden's Captain McClusky is the most lovable character in THE GODFATHER.

At first glance, it might not seem like it's the case, but hear me out. When I first saw the film sometime in the early 90s, I had no idea who Sterling Hayden was. Subsequent viewings upgraded him to "the guy from DR. STRANGELOVE" and later to "the guy in all those films noir" and finally, ultimately, to "Sterling mutherfucken Hayden." Yes, I became a full-fledged fanatic. You can read what I've written about him (and some of his fantastic life story) HERE.

Anyway, who is Captain McClusky? At best, a supporting role; at worst, a throwaway henchman. But to me, he's simply the bee's knees.

He first appears as a big lug police captain who's on the take from the nefarious narcotics man, Sollozzo (played by Al Lettieri, of MR. MAJESTYK and THE GETAWAY), punching devoted son Michael (Al Pacino) outside his father's hospital, and, okay, I'll admit that that's not very nice.

But look how happy he is!

Hey, though– he even apologizes later!

He's like a lovable gym teacher, or a kid's soccer coach. "Sorry I had to ride you so hard before the last game, Mikey, but you have to admit, doing those extra laps gave you back the eye of the tiger." Look at his back-slappin', "good job, son" face:

He probably just got back from Grandparents' Day at the local elementary.
Conversely, look at Pacino: planning to kill him. Plotting to bump off sweet old McClusky. What a mean guy. Yet there's a little satisfaction hidden beneath there, too. He's probably already contemplating the horrors of THE GODFATHER PART III.

Then they go to dinner. McClusky's just interested in some veal. Best in the city. Just a sweet old man eatin' some veal. Sollozzo reveals that he'd like to speak privately with Michael in Italian, and look at McClusky:

He's a "go-with-the-flow" kind of a guy. Speak your Italian, make your gangland deals, just leave me to my meal. He's simple, meat-and-potatoes. Well, mostly potatoes, if ya know what I mean, but hey, aren't we all.

Then Michael leaves to retrieve the murder weapon from the bathroom. McClusky's not worried. He frisked him already. He's frisked a thousand punks.

He's so matter-of-fact about it, too. He's not bragging. He's a humble, blue-collar hero who happens to be in the volatile business of punk-frisking. Is that any reason why he should have to die? You tell me.

Then, when Michael's been gone for an inordinate amount of time, he glances toward the bathroom.

It's not an evil glance, nor a scheming one. I think, and correct me if I'm wrong here, that it's a fatherly look. He's genuinely concerned that Michael's having some sort of an issue in the bathroom. Grandpa McClusky is here, ready and willing: need me to fix the toilet, Mikey?, having some trouble with the paper towel dispenser, Mikey?, I have a fine stool softener you can borrow if you'd like, Mikey. What a gent.

Then Michael comes out, and, after a tense moment where you're unsure if he's going to go through with it, actually going to shoot the beloved Gramps McClusky– he does.

I won't even show it here. I'm tearing up, just thinking about it. Doesn't even let him finish his bite of veal. Pretty rough stuff. Here's to you, Captain McClusky; only now does it occur to me that you're THE GODFATHER's emotional core. Or at least the core of veal-luvin', vaguely brutish grandfatherliness. Pass the Werther's.

Film Review: TERROR IN A TEXAS TOWN (1958, Joseph H. Lewis)

Stars: 4.5 of 5.
Running Time: 81 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Sterling Hayden (THE KILLING, THE GODFATHER, DR. STRANGELOVE, THE ASPHALT JUNGLE), Nedrick Young (SECONDS, HOUSE OF WAX, writer of THE DEFIANT ONES, JAILHOUSE ROCK), Sebastian Cabot (THE TIME MACHINE, narrator of WINNIE THE POOH cartoons), Carol Kelly (DANIEL BOONE, TRAIL BLAZER; SUGARFOOT), Victor Millan (TOUCH OF EVIL, SCARFACE '83, GIANT), Frank Ferguson (JOHNNY GUITAR; HUSH, HUSH SWEET CHARLOTTE), Marilee Earle (THE FEARMAKERS, ISLAND WOMEN). Written by Dalton Trumbo (blacklisted writer, famed for SPARTACUS, ROMAN HOLIDAY, JOHNNY GOT HIS GUN, PAPILLON, EXODUS). Directed by Joseph H. Lewis (GUN CRAZY, THE BIG COMBO, PRIDE OF THE BOWERY, and RETREAT, HELL!).
Tag-lines: "When the Texas Plains Ran With Blood and Black Gold!"
Best one-liner: "Yes, I have killed many whales."

Let me give you the rundown:

The title: TERROR IN A TEXAS TOWN. Solid, solid alliteration. Something like TEXAS TERRORS or TERROR IN TEXAS would have been enough. And yet they went the extra step. TERROR IN A TEXAS TOWN. And yet something like TROUBLE N' TERROR IN TALCO, A TINY BUT TOUGH TEXAS TOWN would have been too much. The makers experienced exhiliration and exercised restraint. I respect that. (And readers of this site will note how much I appreciate alliteration in a movie title!)

The director: B-movie legend, Joseph H. Lewis. AKA "Wagon Wheel Joe" due to his propensity for filming shots through a wagon wheel whenever he had the opportunity. When asked about his early days as a B-Western helmer, he said "I carried a box filled with different wagon wheels. Whenever I'd come to a scene which was just disgraceful in dialogue and all, I'd place a wagon wheel in one portion of the frame, and make an artistic shot out of it, so by the time the scene was over you only saw the artistic value and couldn't analyze what the scene was about." Well, none of the scenes here are disgraceful, but, as old habits die hard, there are a lot of wagon wheels. Incredibly prolific (he directed nearly forty features from 1937-1958), he's best known for his contributions to film noir (SO DARK THE NIGHT, MY NAME IS JULIA ROSS, THE BIG COMBO, GUN CRAZY, A LADY WITHOUT A PASSPORT, CRY OF THE HUNTED, THE UNDERCOVER MAN), but his masterpiece might just be TERROR IN A TEXAS TOWN, the final feature he ever completed before moving on to a seven-year-long career in (mostly Western) television, ultimately retiring from directing in 1967.

The star: Sterling Hayden.

Ran away from home at age 15 to be a sailor– he was a ship's boy on a California-bound schooner, a Newfoundland fisherman, and a ship's fireman in Cuba. By 22, he'd sailed the world many times over, and by 24 he was a print model and a Paramount contract player christened "The Beautiful Blond Viking God" and "The Most Beautiful Man in the Movies." When the Second World War began, he enlisted as a private, became an OSS operative, parachuted into Yugoslavia, and won the Silver Star. Post-war, he resumed acting, playing notable roles in THE ASPHALT JUNGLE, THE KILLING, SUDDENLY, JOHNNY GUITAR, CRIME WAVE, and THE STAR. Acting, to Hayden, became a necessary evil- a way to earn a quick buck so he could fund his globe-trotting, seafaring, extracurricular activities.

So to play an ex-whaler, harpoon-slinging, lionhearted, 'fish-out-of-water' hero in TERROR IN A TEXAS TOWN is actually no kind of a stretch, whatsoever. (The Swedish accent, on the other hand...)

With many of the major players (writer Dalton Trumbo, stars Sterling Hayden & Nedrick Young) having personally clashed with Joseph McCarthy, it's little surprise to see that the plot revolves around the little man versus the behemoth: a rich shitheel illegally buys up a town and its sheriff so that he can easily steal the oil reserves beneath it. His henchmen intimidate, coerce, and murder those honest citizens who oppose him. A callow, doe-eyed Sterling Hayden (playing a Swede!- i.e., "I yuh-nderstand American yuh-stice, too") arrives in town to learn that his father was murdered only days before.

Optimistic Hayden.


Despondent Hayden.

Adrift in a foreign land and imbued with the same kind of fatalistic broken-English charm that Bruno S. would later exude as STROSZEK, he soon learns how things really work in America, who owns who (the sheriff says "No foreigner's gonna come in here and tell me how to run my job!"), why everyone's afraid to make a stand, and how anyone who makes a stand is quickly abandoned by their buddies and left to a gruesome fate... but maybe, just maybe, he can take up his dead father's harpoon and dispense some high-seas justice in the low-down Wild West. Joseph H. Lewis was advised against taking up the project because of the communist ties amongst the film's personnel and the picture's anti-establishment message, and curiously, he was never permitted to make another feature after this. Coincidence?

Regardess, this movie could easily be retitled (though it'd ruin the alliteration) to "STERLING HAYDEN SEZ: NO MORE BULLSHIT."

Sterling Hayden says "No more bullshit" in 1950's-safe language.


Sterling Hayden EXUDES 'no more bullshit.'

The men he goes up against are corporate oilman Sebastian Cabot (the narrator in the WINNIE THE POOH cartoons) and black-clad hired gun Nedrick Young (a blacklisted screenwriter and brilliant actor who's best described as part Richard Boone, part Claude Akins, and part Martin Landau).


Young schemes as Cabot polishes off an entire platter of lobster.

"As long as there men like you, there'll be plenty of work for men like me," says Young's murderous 'Johnny,' who's described as "death walking around in the shape of a man." The character of Johnny, as well as his relationship with Cabot's robber baron, were clearly an enormous influence on Sergio Leone's ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST- particularly the dynamic between Henry Fonda's 'Frank' and Gabriele Ferzetti's 'Morton,' right on down to the former having a businessman's aspirations after a career of hired killing. Like Frank, Johnny is an extraordinarily complex character, at times revealing himself capable of compassion, restraint, and self-reflection. Like Richard Boone's baddie in THE TALL T, you see the brutality which they mete out, firsthand- yet you sense the tortured soul, the man who begrudingly justifies his evil as a form of a survival.


Hayden tries to secure a claim on his late father's land, but comes up against the machine that is 'small-town law enforcement in a rich man's pocket.' He befriends some locals, including the young Pepe (Eugene Mazolla) and his family, which leads to the following exchange:

Pepe: "Have you killed whales?"
Sterling Hayden: "Yeh-yus. I have killed many whales-uh."
Pepe's sister: "Mister– (Pepe interrupts) I was talking to him, Pepe!"
Pepe: "Girls don't know anything about whales!"
Sterling Hayden: "Aw, now wait a minute, Pep-eh. Girls know something about al-most everything. Pear-haps even more than you and I-uh."

Hayden's making headway, but the oil magnate and his thugs- not wanting a revolution on their hands- fuck with his shit, rip up his mother's heirloom nightie, beat him down, and send him away on a train out of town. They depend on FEAR ruling the heard. But I can't comment on whether or not Sterling returns and faces off with his tormentors in an epic showdown...


In all, it's as terrific and rip-roaring a genre picture as you'd assume from the logline ("Harpoon-slinging Sterling Hayden avenges father's death!"), but it's an extremely well-written, well-acted, and well-put together film- a B-Western that stands tall amongst its A-list contemporaries- John Ford, Anthony Mann, Howard Hawks, and the like. Nearly five stars.

-Sean Gill