Sean Gill's "Selected Arcana from My Literary Tarot" in Electric Literature

My latest essay, "Selected Arcana from My Literary Tarot," featuring tarot interpretations of authors from James Baldwin to Judy Blume, has been published online by Electric Literature.

"Six Authors in Search of a Character, Part 1: Stephen King" in ZYZZYVA

I'm very excited to premiere the first installment of a new essay series in ZYZZYVA Literary Magazine––it's called "Six Authors in Search of a Character" and it will explore the unusual and complicated psychology of writers portraying on screen characters they created in print. Part 1 tackles Stephen King's appearance as "Jordy Verrill" in CREEPSHOW, a role which grapples with identity, addiction, and a "meteoric" rise.

Who Said It: A Vintage Greaser-Bully In A Stephen King Story, Or The President Of The United States?

A new piece up at Medium.

"The Buzzer is Mightier: The Author as a Game Show Contestant" in Epiphany

My latest essay––about the phenomena of authors appearing as game show contestants, and featuring appearances by Stephen King, Hunter S. Thompson, Herman Wouk, Jacqueline Susann, and John le Carré––has been published by Epiphany: A Literary Journal as a part of my "Lurid Esoterica" series there.

Sean Gill's "The Mysterious Ecstasy of Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball for Super Nintendo" in Hobart

My latest essay, "The Mysterious Ecstasy of Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball for Super Nintendo," chronicles the delightfully bizarre cultural connections (involving the likes of Stephen King, John Waters, Judy Garland, Werner Herzog, etc.) that exist in the vintage SNES baseball game. It's just been published by the literary journal Hobart, and you can read it online here.

CHRISTINE: THE MUSIC VIDEO (2017, John Carpenter)

Ah, a new John Carpenter music video never fails to cheer me up, especially when it's a miniature remake of CHRISTINE, and when it features Carpenter in a brief acting role as a ghoul/himself/an incarnation of George LeBay. (Also, this song must be one of Carpy's personal favorites, because he chose it as his encore piece when I saw him live in concert last year.)

Only now does it occur to me... SONS OF ANARCHY, "CAREGIVER" (3x3) (2010)

Only now does it occur to me... that Stephen King's "Bachman" character, who appears in a just a few minutes of one season three episode ("Caregiver"), ought to have his own spin-off series.

Without giving away any substantial SONS OF ANARCHY spoilers, I'll say that it's a show about violent biker gangs that somehow combines the sensibilities of STONE COLD and HAMLET.  It's a veritable playground for some great character actors like Ron Perlman, Katey Sagal, William Lucking, and Kim Coates to ply their trade.  It's a guilty pleasure that occasionally approaches art, like CON AIR.

In any event, in this particular third season episode, circumstances arise that demand the talents of a "cleaner," that old crime-scene-erasing cliché of hardboiled stories, a profession perhaps most popularly depicted by Harvey Keitel in PULP FICTION.  The "cleaner" that they call here is "Bachman" (the name itself a nod to King's nom de plume "Richard Bachman")



King shows up, riding his real-life motorcycle and wearing his own biker attire.  What follows are three or four minutes of spectacular television, as King kookily creeps us out in a very reserved, soft-spoken way.  He demands "80s music" before descending below to dispose of the body– while the actual disposal is left to the imagination, the viewer certainly imagines hacksaws, vats of acid, or worse.  Later, he demonstrates hilarious taste in home decor during a brilliantly bizarre coda that I shan't spoil here.

I'd dare to say King's performance is nuanced, which may come as a shock if you've only seen him as Jordy Verrill in CREEPSHOW or "Hoagie Man" in KNIGHTRIDERS.  Though SONS OF ANARCHY is not a horrorshow in the traditional sense, I think that Stephen King's alter-ego doing unspeakable things in a basement warrants mention in the midst of a Halloween countdown!

2014 HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN

1.  FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 2: TEXAS BLOOD MONEY (1999, Scott Spiegel)

2.  MARK OF THE VAMPIRE (1935, Tod Browning)

3.  FULL MOON HIGH (1981, Larry Cohen)

4.  EIGHT-LEGGED FREAKS (2002, Ellory Elkayem)

5.  MASTERS OF HORROR: WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM (2007, Tom Holland)
6. ...

Television Review: MASTERS OF HORROR––"WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM" (2007, Tom Holland)

Stars: 2.5 of 5.
Running Time: 57 minutes.

Tag-line: "I scream... you scream..."

Notable Cast or Crew: Based on a short story by John Farris (THE FURY).  Starring Lee Tergesen (WAYNE'S WORLD, OZ, GENERATION KILL), Willliam Forsythe (CLOAK AND DAGGER, EXTREME PREJUDICE, THE ROCK), Quinn Lord (TRICK 'R TREAT, Joe Dante's THE HOLE), Ingrid Tesch (REPLICANT, MVP: MOST VALUABLE PRIMATE), Colin Cunningham (BEST IN SHOW, THE SIXTH DAY), and Brett Kelly (BAD SANTA, TRICK 'R TREAT).  Executive produced by Mick Garris (THE SHINING '97, THE STAND '94).  Special makeup effects by Greg Nicotero and Howard Berger (DAY OF THE DEAD, ARMY OF DARKNESS, FROM DUSK TILL DAWN).  Directed by Tom Holland (FRIGHT NIGHT, FATAL BEAUTY, CHILD'S PLAY).

Best One-liner: "It's time for dessert... just dessert!"

 In a familiar, darkened alleyway:

"Heya, bud."
–"What're we watching now?"
"MASTERS OF HORROR: WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM."
–"Oh, come on, I thought we were done with these."
"We're not done till I say we're done.  Come on, they're not all bad."
–"But now we're in the dregs.  We're in the dregs, man."
"Is Tom Holland the dregs?  Tom 'CHILD'S PLAY' Holland?  Tom 'FRIGHT NIGHT' Holland?"
–"Well... no.  But MASTERS OF HORROR doesn't really have the best track record.  I mean, Mick Garris is calling the shots."
"Yeah, but there's been some pretty good ones.  John Carpenter's CIGARETTE BURNS, Lucky McKee's SICK GIRL, John Landis' FAMILY...  plus, it finally brought together Dario Argento and Steven Weber under the same freaky flag!"
–"Okay, okay.  So how's WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM?"
"Erm... not too good."
–"Then why are we doing this?"
"Because we're completists, goddamit!  And because it's Halloween."
–"Fine.  So what's it about?"
"It's based on a short story by John Farris, but the shadow of Stephen King looms pretty large over this one.  Holland is no stranger to King, either– he adapted THE LANGOLIERS and THINNER, and is currently in pre-production on THE TEN O'CLOCK PEOPLE.  Anyway, the plot goes like this: nearly thirty years ago, a group of kids were involved in a traumatic event involving a clown.  Today, the last of the children returns home to his small town where the clown may or may not be back, attacking them one by one.  Did I mention that there's stuttering and vintage bullies as well?"
 
Vintage bullies.  Pretty frightening.  The one on the left is pretending to smoke, and yes, the one on the right is the kid from BAD SANTA.

–"Terrifying."
"Does any of this sound familiar to you?"
–"Uh... it's IT."
"Exactly.  And as our lead, they've cast Lee Tergesen, who definitely reminds me of Richard Thomas, the actor who played 'Stuttering Bill' in the 1990 miniseries of IT."

 Richard Thomas in IT.


Lee Tergesen in WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM.

 –"Well isn't that something?"
"Yeah.  Plus, CHRISTINE even shows up."

–"Wow."
"Unfortunately, all the Stephen King references in the world can't make this a great movie.  But it's still somewhat decent because of the killer clown."
–"Isn't that 'Killer Klown'?"
"Not in this instance."
 –"Wait... don't tell me... Tim Curry?"
"Nah, but nearly as good:  unhinged character actor extraordinaire William Forsythe.  He worked on a Tom Holland script previously, the dark 80s kiddie spy thriller CLOAK AND DAGGER.  But you may know him better for smokin' crack and scarin' Seagal in OUT FOR JUSTICE, stabbin' rats and killin' things in EXTREME PREJUDICE, or smackin' nuts and shootin' beer cans with an Uzi in STONE COLD."

–"Hot damn!"
"And that picture above is when he's the living, 'nice guy' clown.  See, Forsythe is so good, he can fluently deliver tear-jerkin' pathos or petrifyin' sadism– or, if need be, a combination of the two.  At first, he plays 'Buster the Friendly Clown'– a mentally disabled, ice cream truck-drivin' friend to children.  He's legitimately likable.  You'd trust your kids with this guy.  Theoretically.  Later, when he's 'Buster the Undead Revenge-Seeking Monster,' not so much.

–"AIEEE!"
"Yeah, Howard Berger and Greg Nicotero do a pretty good job with this one.  Elsewhere, people melt down like ice cream, and the effect is convincing:


 it reminds me of something out of FRIGHT NIGHT or EVIL DEAD.  But they must have run out of money along the way because what should be the show-stopping final effect is instead some pretty lazy CGI."
–"That's too bad."
"Eh."
–"Anything else?"
"Yeah, sure.  Like the horror classic HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH, which incessantly plays a version of 'London Bridge is Falling Down' with the lyrics 'X more days to Hallo-ween, Hallo-ween, Hallo-ween...' etc., WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM repeats the eponymous song (in William Forsythe's creepy, a cappella drawl) over and over and over again."
–"Hey, I like HALLOWEEN III.  Don't you like it?" 
"No.  I love it.  But that's beside the point.  By the fiftieth time I heard "I scream, you scream, we all scream..." etc., I started wondering if I was wrong about the Stephen King pastiche."
–"Whaddya mean?"
"Since it was Tommy Lee Wallace who did the adaptation of IT and who directed HALLOWEEN III, and who did FRIGHT NIGHT PART 2, the sequel to the Tom Holland original, what if this thing is the world's first Tommy Lee Wallace pastiche?"
–"That's ridiculous."
"Yeah, you're right.  Two and a half stars."

–Sean Gill

2014 HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN

1.  FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 2: TEXAS BLOOD MONEY (1999, Scott Spiegel)

2.  MARK OF THE VAMPIRE (1935, Tod Browning)

3.  FULL MOON HIGH (1981, Larry Cohen)

4.  EIGHT-LEGGED FREAKS (2002, Ellory Elkayem)

5. ...

Only now does it occur to me... BOYZ IN THE HOOD

Only now does it occur to me... that John Singleton loosely patterns BOYZ IN THE HOOD's prologue and epilogue after the seminal Stephen King adaptation STAND BY ME, and at one point even includes a direct reference, with four young boys walking along railroad tracks to see a dead body.

 

Of course, the walk to find a dead body in 1984 South Central is considerably shorter than in 1959 Castle Rock, and Singleton draws a bit of tragic poetry from the comparison. 

Film Review: RIDING THE BULLET (2004, Mick Garris)

Stars: 1.5 of 5.
Running Time: 98 minutes.
Tag-line: "The dead travel fast."

Notable Cast or Crew: Jonathan Jackson (GENERAL HOSPITAL, INSOMNIA), David Arquette (SCREAM, RAVENOUS), Barbara Hershey (THE STUNT MAN, HOOSIERS, BLACK SWAN), Chris Gauthier (FREDDY VS. JASON, INSOMNIA), Matt Frewer (MAX HEADROOM, every Mick Garris movie), Cliff Robertson (UNDERWORLD U.S.A., CHARLY, ESCAPE FROM L.A.), and Nicky Katt (THE LIMEY, DAZED AND CONFUSED). Makeup effects by Greg Nicotero, Rachel Griffin, and Howard Berger.  Written and directed by Mick Garris.

Best One-liner: "You're a ghost..." –"BOO!"

I'll try and keep this brief.  So I'm watching this movie, an adaptation of the lesser known Stephen King e-book/novella "Riding the Bullet,"  and I'm not gonna lie– I knew it was a Mick Garris flick beforehand, and I watched it anyway.
You've probably heard me talk Mick Garris/Stephen King before (DESPERATION, QUICKSILVER HIGHWAY, SLEEPWALKERS, THE STAND, etc.) and know by now that my condition is pathological.  It can't be helped.  Mick Garris is going to keep making bad Stephen King movies, King is going to keep sanctioning them, and I'm just gonna keep watching 'em.

 No exaggeration: that font might be the best thing about this movie.

So we got all the Mick Garris standbys- the Cynthia Garris appearance, the Nicolas Pike music, and the obligatory Matt Frewer role.  I've called Garris a one-man Frewer employment agency (they've worked together six times)

and his appearance here amounts to a walk-on as a groovy art teacher with a "cool" earring and a stiff turtleneck.  So yeah.
Anyway, with all these Garris-isms going on,  I started getting excited about seeing Steven Weber (ex-WINGS star and another Garris standby) put his unique acting "spin" on some role in this mess.
 
 Here he is, for instance, out-Nicholsoning Nicholson in THE SHINING '97.

I'm excited for Weber.  I'm jonesin' for Weber...  Where's my Weber?... and then I look it up on IMDb and find out that there's no Weber.  Could it be?  Could it be that there was no role for him?  No room at the inn for Weber? Then who is going to give us a Steven Weber-caliber performance?  We'll return to this pressing issue later on.

I read "Riding the Bullet" a few years ago (it's collected in EVERYTHING'S EVENTUAL) and still remember it pretty clearly.  It's a fairly satisfying, melancholy ghost story centered around an agonizing moral choice, and it plays around with the trope of the "Phantom Hitchhiker" for a while before coming in for a semi-emotional, King-ian climax.  This movie has been heavily expanded from the novella in ways that I don't really care about (which is classic Garris) and this definitely would have played out better as a 25-minute piece in a CREEPSHOW-style omnibus, but I suppose it's too late for that now.

Due to the feature-length padding, it becomes increasingly dull and most of the filler is only tangentially-related to the original story, being largely devoted to silly roadside scares and random fake-outs and dog attacks and killer hillbillies and did-it-happen-or-didn't-it moments and dream sequences that possess equal smatterings of FINAL DESTINATION and THE SIXTH SENSE.  This brings me to the wider question, which is "were people really clamoring to have 'Riding the Bullet' made into a feature-length movie?"  I have no problem with the original story, but I can think of probably forty to sixty as-of-yet-unadapted Stephen King stories that I'd rather see turned into movies.  And everybody knows that if you want to watch a Stephen King movie with "Bullet" in the title, you go for SILVER BULLET.

So this thing is a 60s period piece with an expensive soundtrack: Strawberry Alarm Clock, The Zombies, James Brown, The Chambers Brothers, The Youngbloods.  No idea where that cash came from.  (They shoulda spent it on Steven Weber!)  You can tell it's the 60s because people are referencing Tricky Dick and LEAVE IT TO BEAVER and "John 'I am the Walrus' Lennon" (yes, someone actually utters that aloud).  You can really tell it's the 60s though, because everyone has 90s haircuts and interior decoration

Pictured: The 60s.  (Shockingly similar to JAILBREAKERS' depiction of the 50s!)

 and Death smokes him some reefer, as he did in the 60s.

 This really happens, dear reader.

There's this whole terribly-thought-out narrative device whereupon our hero (Jonathan Jackson) has his internal monologue voiced by a CGI double, and it plays out in ineffective, head-scratching, and spit-take-inducing ways

That Cheech and Chong reference is a few years too early for the 1960s...  Also note: authentic beaded curtain.

that frequently plunge, headfirst, into a morass of unintentional comedy.

Would you believe that this actor came from GENERAL HOSPITAL?  WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT?!

Hey, at least CHRISTINE gets a cameo:


And speaking of cameos, we have two pretty good ones, likely responsible for all 1.5 of the stars I'm awarding this film:
There's the venerable Cliff Robertson, who shows up as an off-his-rocker, crotch-grabbing yokel:

Cliff: you deserved better.

and then Nicky Katt appears, exuding an enjoyable bit of manic energy as a VW minibus-driving fake hippie, and while he does his best to make this feel like a real movie, he only has about two minutes to do so.

Nicky Katt:  improvisin' up a storm.

Also, this movie co-stars Oscar-nominee and acting legend Barbara Hershey as our protagonist's mother.  She has been given the opportunity to utter scintillating Garris dialogue such as the following:


Wow.  Garris walked into a room with Barbara Hershey and said, presumably to her face, that "Today you will be saying 'Awful Damn Crapheads,' and you will be saying it on camera."  That takes balls, I suppose.  Or cluelessness.  And I don't mean to pile on Garris, even though I usually do– the man's contributions to CRITTERS 2, THE FLY II, and FUZZBUCKET are noteworthy, and he rather seems like a warm and enthusiastic man.  But wow.  "Awful Damn Crapheads."  It happened.  It happened and there's no taking it back.

Furthermore, I believe I have pinpointed the exact moment, on film, when Barbara Hershey fully realizes that her agent talked her into a Mick Garris movie–

It's sinking in: the contracts are signed and there's no backing out.  Study it for long enough and you can even see her internal pep talk at work: "I can handle this for two weeks.  I can handle anything for two weeks..."

Anyway, the movie's almost over when you realize that the main thrust of the novella hasn't even been addressed yet– the part where our hero is picked up by an undead messenger who (metaphorically) skewers him on the horns of a (moral) dilemma.

Said (ghoulish, zany) messenger is played by David Arquette.

Now wait one gosh-gadoodlin' minute!  Somebody call the police!  Arquette stole Steven Weber's role!  The above depiction was clearly intended for Weber.  It's in his wheelhouse.  That is Weber's wheelhouse.

The maniacal facial expressions, the vacant eyes, the dopey one-liners, the pain of WINGS that rests upon his shoulders like a shroud–  could it be?  Could it be that Arquette is playing the role as a Steven Weber pastiche?

Pictured: Steven Weber pastiche.


Pictured: actual Steven Weber.

That's my theory, anyway, and I'm sticking to it.  And despite my better judgment, I'm sure one day I will watch BAG OF BONES (the final Garris/King collaboration I have yet to see).  Whew.  Till that day comes...

 –Sean Gill

Only now does it occur to me... CHILDREN OF THE CORN 7: REVELATION

Only now does it occur to me...  are we really going to talk about CHILDREN OF THE CORN 7: REVELATION?  Yeah, I guess we are.  But not really.  We're really just going to talk about Michael Ironside for a minute, cause it's been a while.

CHILDREN OF THE CORN 7 is kind of like a really bad X-FILES episode that happens to be missing Mulder and Scully.  There are fleeting moments of unintentional humor (usually involving bad dubbing, CGI cornstalks, or stock horror tracks from a music library that was very much overused in the late 90s), but it's not actually worth your time.  So let's get to Ironside.

Ironside plays a weird n' creepy priest who mostly wanders around around, looking mysterious and underpaid as he glowers silently from afar.
 
 
 A foggy alleyway makes me wish I was watching HIGHLANDER 2.

He basically fills the nonsensical and vaguely menacing shoes occupied by the "Cult of Thorn" from movies four through six in the HALLOWEEN cycle.  I was beginning to wonder if they'd signed Ironside to a cheaper, "no dialogue" contract until he finally spoke a line an hour and two minutes into the film (twenty minutes from the end). 

What do you suppose that line is?  Something poetic?  Something lyrical?  Something worth the wait?

"They're waiting for Dah-dah."

Nice to see you're using Ironside to his full potential, guys.  However, I do appreciate that they've taken his existing scar (from walking through a plate-glass window, drunk, in the late 70s) and accentuated it.

Anyway, he offers our heroine some communion wine (and, indeed, we sure as hell need a drink)

and is then tasked with sort of explaining the plot of the movie, including some references to the first film and the Big Baddie, the corn god "He Who Walks Behind the Rows."

Then he walks out of the movie after a full six minutes of screentime and about fifteen lines of dialogue.  If I had to make an educated guess, I'd say he was on set for one day; maybe eight to twelve hours.  That's not too bad.  I hope craft services at least offered some decent crudités or something.  (Although based on the content and quality, I wouldn't be surprised if it was... canned creamed corn!)

Only now does it occur to me... WHO'S THAT GIRL

Only now does it occur to me...  Who is that girl?  Who is she really?

Whew.  Okay.  A couple of things.

I hope you like unmitigated Madonna-prancing!

First off, this is an 80s screwball comedy presumably greenlit because of the success of DESPERATELY SEEKING SUSAN, and yet whoever was doing the greenlighting neglected to realize that Madonna was nearly mute and not actually the star of that film, which is regrettably not the case in WHO'S THAT GIRL.  

But this movie isn't all that Bad with a capital-B; it suffers mostly from a failure in tone– it's basically the fusion of SOMETHING WILD and BRINGING UP BABY (yes, there are jungle cats) with Madonna taking on the Katherine Hepburn/Melanie Griffith roles and Griffin Dunne taking on the Cary Grant/Jeff Daniels bits.  Madonna's character is pure id, manic-pixie-dream-Ciccone, and the major gag I guess is that she's a bad driver (!?).  Though I do appreciate the Material Girl living up to her name by patronizing McDonald's, wolfing down half of her Chicken McNuggets, and feeding the rest to an endangered species.

And did I mention that this is directed by James Foley, who did the GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS movie?

Anyway, there were a few brief things of note:

#1.  NYC in 1987.

I always appreciate these authentically sleazy street scenes; so ubiquitous in the 80s, and so rare today.  Thanks, Giuliani!

#2.  Obligatory gun salesman scene.

It seemed like for a while in the 70s and 80s, there was a scene in almost every film– comedy, action, drama, suspense, thriller, you name it– that took place in a seedy motel where a shady dude was selling weaponry.  Here, it's Sean Sullivan (CLASS OF 1999, WAYNE'S WORLD), who's a quite passable as a poor man's Brad Dourif.  Bravo.

#3.  REDRUM

While driving through the aforementioned unsavory neighborhood, Griffin Dunne's luxury car is graffitied over by the locals.  Particularly of note is "REDRUM" in pink and silver on the rear quarter panel, in a direct and head-scratching reference to THE SHINING.  My best guess is that it was the work of a bored production assistant.

#4.  Candles and champagne.

Candles and champagne?  Hmm.  What is it about Madonna and candles and champagne?  This is triggering something... it's triggering something traumatic and long-buried...  I'm getting flashes...images...words.  "Body."  "Evidence." I'm seeing Willem Dafoe's nipples covered in champagne and candle wax and sweet God no, NOOOO–

Stop, Madonna, no more, NO MORE!  AIEEEEEE!

–and then suddenly, we're back to reality, I'm no longer having a BODY OF EVIDENCE acid flashback, I'm just watching Madonna in a PG-rated screwball comedy, and it's just a couple of good folks enjoying some nice champagne with some lovely candles in the background, and I'm having a pleasant time, it's quite delightful in fact, and just a pleasant and delightful time, don't you think?

The final verdict:  better than BODY OF EVIDENCE, but not nearly as good as... gee, I don't know...  DISORDERLIES?