Only now does it occur to me... THE NEW KIDS (1985)

Only now does it occur to me... that Sean S. Cunningham has more up his sleeve than merely dead camp counselors, rip-offs of THE ABYSS, or haunted house movies with CHEERS cast members. No, he's an, um, sophisticated filmmaker capable of crafting an elegant revenge-drama/thriller/'80s bully movie. Allow me to present: the six most remarkable things about Sean S. Cunningham's THE NEW KIDS. 

#1. He chooses to begin with a workout/strength-training montage set to the sultry tunes of Lalo Schifrin. 

 

A bold move, because it's the sort of thing that usually occurs at the end of a movie's second act, right before the heavyweight champion bout or whatever. You'll note that we're looking at FULL HOUSE's Lori Laughlin, there on the left (and on the far right is Shannon Presby, essentially a poor man's Michael Biehn, who is playing her brother). In the center is their dad, played by

#2. Tom mutherluvin' Atkins, of "John Carpenter/LETHAL WEAPON/NIGHT OF THE CREEPS/everything good in this world" fame.

Don't get too excited, though, because he's not long for this world. That's right––General Tom Atkins gets a heart-stringy farewell

 

before being killed, offscreen, in a car accident. The now-orphaned siblings leave to live with their sketchy uncle at his dilapidated creepy Christmas theme park in the middle of nowhere. As transplants in a small southern town, they have now become the eponymous... "new kids."

#3. James Spader. When I heard James Spader played a bully in a film called THE NEW KIDS, I assumed that it was set at a Bret Easton Ellis yuppie/boarding school/douchebag academy.  I was picturing LESS THAN ZERO, I guess.

Nope, here he has a spotty southern accent, a subpar dye job, a car on cement blocks in his yard, and spends his free time tormenting new kids and taking potshots at pesky varmints. As everyone knows, '80s Spader is the Platonic ideal of "bully," though, so obviously he really turns it up to eleven. You could even say his entire performance is the embodiment of the moment in Tim Burton's BATMAN when Michael Keaton says, "You wanna get nuts? Let's get nuts!"

And was there any question that his character would be a cokehead?

This is a very subtle movie, is what I'm saying.

So Spader and his bully gang launch a campaign of terror against the new kids, at one point even killing their beloved pet bunny in a moment that is very proto-FATAL ATTRACTION. As a part of this campaign, the movie must reckon with

#4. Toxic masculinity. So Spader's gang o' yuppies-attempting-Southern-accents is meant to be sexually inappropriate in their interactions with Lori Laughlin. Because this was the same decade that brought us plenty of sexual misconduct and outright assault packaged as the acceptable teenage experience (i.e., SIXTEEN CANDLES, PORKY'S, REVENGE OF THE NERDS, et al.), this meant that they really had to overplay it to signify that these were Bad Guys. Because, for instance, almost every '80s teen movie had a scene where a guy asked out a girl and refused take "no" for an answer––and often was rewarded and lauded for his persistence––how could THE NEW KIDS possibly demonstrate an example of said behavior being "bad?" Well, this particular member of Spader's gang begins with dogfight invitations,

moves on to hair-licking,

and quickly escalates with death threats.

Here's how they differentiate Spader's stalking from, say, John Cusack's in SAY ANYTHING:




The only real difference between these scenes and the ones from, perhaps, a John Hughes film, is of degree.

#5. Eric Stoltz. As the "ginger nerd" who romances Lori Laughlin and attempts to save her from a gang of would-be rapists at a school dance, this sort of affords us a glimpse of what it would have been like to see Eric Stoltz play Marty McFly in BACK TO THE FUTURE.

Though I count myself a Stoltz fan, I absolutely think Zemeckis made the right call in replacing him with Michael J. Fox––Stoltz has a sweet, hangdog vibe that doesn't quite match the likability Fox projects so effortlessly. I imagine a Stoltz BACK TO THE FUTURE would have been a slower burn, with its Oedipal scenarios turned excruciatingly awkward. It would probably have a cult following, but I really don't think it would have been the epochal sort of classic that it remains today.

Anyway, that's just rank speculation. So here's a screengrab of Stoltz falling victim to "the ol' crouch n' shove."


#6. Finally, you know what, this gets its own slot: James Spader lighting the stream on a gas pump and turning it into a makeshift flamethrower for purposes of trying to murder Aunt Becky.



That about sums it up, ladies and gentlemen. THE NEW KIDS.

Film Review: HOUSE II: THE SECOND STORY (1987, Ethan Wiley)

Stars: 2.5 of 5.
Running Time: 88 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Arye Gross (SOUL MAN, MINORITY REPORT), Jonathan Stark (FRIGHT NIGHT, PROJECT X), Royal Dano (THE TROUBLE WITH HARRY, THE OUTLAW JOSEY WALES), Bill Maher (RATBOY, CANNIBAL WOMEN IN THE AVOCADO JUNGLE OF DEATH), John Ratzenberger (CHEERS, THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK), and Kane Hodder (Jason in FRIDAY THE 13THs parts VII through X). Music by Harry Manfredini (FRIDAY THE 13TH, HOUSE). Produced by Sean S. Cunningham (FRIDAY THE 13TH, DEEPSTAR SIX, HOUSE). Written and directed by Ethan Wiley (CHILDREN OF THE CORN V, co-writer of HOUSE I). Inspired by an original story by Fred Dekker (HOUSE, THE NIGHT OF THE CREEPS, THE MONSTER SQUAD, ROBOCOP 3).
Tag-line: "It's gotten even weirder." AND "Frightening Strikes TWICE!"
Best one-liner: "Look at me. I'm a 170-year-old fart. I'm a goddamn zombie."

Compared to the greatness of HOUSE I, it's difficult to admit that HOUSE II: THE SECOND STORY doesn't really hold up despite possessing one of the greatest subtitles in memory, recent or otherwise. There's also the stroke of utter genius in casting John "Cliff Clavin" Ratzenberger in a similar role to the one that George "Norm Peterson" Wendt played in HOUSE I, but unfortunately the genius sorta ends there.

"Eh, ya know Normie, it's a little known fact that the HOUSE series is so deeply interwoven with CHEERS."

Also, it really has nothing to do with HOUSE I aside from the fact that it takes place inside a "house," which I guess would make more than a few movies unofficial sequels to HOUSE. Furthermore, it Italy it was released as LA CASA 6, which means the ersatz Italian film canon considered it to be EVIL DEAD 6! (Which for the record goes like this 1. Sam Raimi's EVIL DEAD, 2. Sam Raimi's EVIL DEAD II, 3. Umberto Lenzi's GHOSTHOUSE, 4. Fabrizio Laurenti's WITCHERY, 5. Claudio "TROLL 2" Fragasso's BEYOND DARKNESS, 6. HOUSE II: THE SECOND STORY.) So wrap your head around that for a moment.


Anyway, I didn't intend for a full review, I just recently discovered my screening notebook from five or six years ago and shall reprint the slightly downcast entry for HOUSE II:

"So I'm sitting down on the couch, getting all amped up to watch "HOUSE II: THE SECOND STORY." Hey, that's a pretty good subtitle. Almost as good as "ARTHUR 2: ON THE ROCKS." Man, I am in the mood for a horror movie. Okay, I'm watching it now. I'm pretty excited. Alright, I can see this movie is going for laughs. I like some laughs in my horror. There were more than a few laughs in "HOUSE I." What the deuce?! It's turning into a Western? Well, that's okay, "HOUSE I" kinda turned into a war movie partway through. Alright, now I can just sit back and relax until William Katt shows up. What? He's not in this? Damn, I guess I should have rented "HOUSE IV: HOME DEADLY HOME." Katt is back for that one. What?! It's not available on DVD?! Now I'm sad. But I can't be too sad, cause I'm watching these two whacky dudes and their dead grandpa cause a ruckus trying to find this crystal skull in HOUSE II: THE SECOND STORY."


Zombie Royal Dano wrote the book on "raisin' a ruckus."


This still might actually be better than INDIANA JONES 4.

-Sean Gill

Film Review: TRAPPED ASHES (2006, Various)

Stars: 2 of 5.
Running Time: 105 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Segments directed by Joe Dante (GREMLINS, MATINEE, EXPLORERS), Ken Russell (THE MUSIC LOVERS, THE DEVILS, ALTERED STATES), Sean S. Cunningham (FRIDAY THE 13TH, DEEPSTAR SIX, A STRANGER IS WATCHING), Monte Hellman (THE SHOOTING, TWO-LANE BLACKTOP, SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT III), and John Gaeta (visual effects supervisor on the MATRIX trilogy). With John Saxon (NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, TENEBRE), Henry Gibson (MAGNOLIA, THE BURBS, NASHVILLE), Dick Miller (BUCKET OF BLOOD, TRUCK TURNER, GREMLINS), and a bunch of youngsters who don't bear mentioning.
Tag-line: "Five tales of terror."
Best one-liner: "Alright, let's just tell some scary stories and see what happens."

I'm not going to beat around the bush: TRAPPED ASHES is not a great investment of your time. Part poor man's Roger Corman and part poor man's TALES FROM THE CRYPT, but polished and overproduced to the extent that it's devoid of any charm, TRAPPED ASHES is your typical latter-day horror omnibus disappointment. One of the primary warning signs is the script's incessant use of that distinguished rejoinder, "Whatever!" Yes, it's one of those. Those post-Kevin Williamson horror scripts that are a little too self-aware, pop-culturey, and self-approvingly contrived for their own good. The acting (aside from a few well-known character actors who acquit themselves admirably) is sterile, hackneyed, and often accompanied by cringeworthy accentuations like "You're a... FREAK!"

The frame story is directed by Joe Dante, and while it's nice to see Dick Miller's obligatory cameo,

things get bogged down rather quickly by an unlikable young cast thrust into the rather forced scenario of "strangers trapped in a room and forced to tell scary stories." The frame segment would be a complete bust if not for a deliciously nutty performance by Dante-alum Henry Gibson as as the tour guide/master of ceremonies.

Speaking in garishly hushed tones, his eyes flitting to and fro, his eyebrows curling with incredulity– Gibson's having a ball. And why shouldn't he? What has he got to lose.

He is milking this for all it's worth.

It's not quite enough to save the movie, but certainly enough for me to award the film an extra star or so.

Also, John Saxon is wandering around:

This is a good thing. But give him something to do other than eyebrow indicate.

Most of the segments are not really worthy of discussion- a few of the directors imbue their pieces with visual flair, but the scripts are not even worthy to be the dregs of Showtime's Masters of Horror. First-timer John Gaeta's tale of a sibling-parasite is unremarkable; Sean S. Cunningham's tentacle-porn and necrophilia-infused tale of J-Horror is about as klassy as you'd expect from a man who's always enjoyed hopping on a nice n' sleazy bandwagon; and Monte Hellman- one of the great maverick directors of the 60's and 70's- makes a valiant effort (but one which is ultimately in vain) on a by-the-numbers ménage a trois/femme fatale story called "Stanley's Girlfriend." It's the sort of thing you want to like, for Hellman's sake, so you're admiring the production design and the sepia lighting and pretending maybe you're watching NAKED LUNCH or something, but you can really only pretend it's holding your attention for so long. Loosely and seemingly arbitrarily, a young cypher of Stanley Kubrick is used as a character: vague references are made to PATHS OF GLORY and THE KILLING, exciting lovers of film trivia, but it begins to feel in poor taste by the time we get to his 1999 death and we're using it for a payoff involving vampires.


Saxon surfs the web.

But don't despair: there is one (mostly) solid segment. Now, maybe it seems better than it actually is in the midst of these bush-league terrors, or maybe it's because I'm a die hard Ken Russell fan, but "The Girl with the Golden Breasts" is the best of the bunch, and the only one to which I would award a begrudging 'thumbs up.' This tale of an aging (nearly 30!) actress who is surgically implanted with undead, vampiric breast tissue is no great shakes on paper, but Russell infuses it with his notorious attention to flamboyant visual detail and his bizarre, disturbing sense of humor.



At one point, CGI rears its ugly head or nipple or whatever, and the results are pretty mortifying, but if you're actually on board at this point, it probably won't detract from your overall enjoyment. It's especially vexing to me though, because Russell achieved a very similar effect in GOTHIC with a macabre puppet.

Anyway, it also helps that the lead of this segment, Rachel Veltri (apparently of FOR LOVE OR MONEY reality TV fame- yikes!) is generally more tolerable than her comrades. I think this is because she kind of reminded me of Mimi Rogers.

But before you know i–


Ken Russell himself as as the bewigged, besmocked, and lipstick-smeared "Dr. Lucy!"

Ending things on a note of utter lunacy, Ken Russell (here, 79) removes his smock and gives new meaning to the crass utterance "Show us your tits!" Whew.

On the whole, despite Ken's bravado, I cannot recommend this. Russell and Joe Dante devotees may wish to check it out (but be prepared to do a fair amount of fast-forwarding), and Monte Hellman devotees should just rewatch TWO-LANE BLACKTOP and call it day.

Two stars.

-Sean Gill

Film Review: HOUSE III: THE HORROR SHOW (1989, James Isaac)

Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: 95 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Lance Henriksen, Brion James, Lawrence Tierney.
Tag-line: "They tried to electrocute 'Meat Cleaver' Max. It didn't work. Now he's REALLY burned!"
Best One-liner(s): See review.


"Don't look now, but your family's dead. Just kidding." HOUSE III: THE HORROR SHOW is an exquisite puzzle of a film. The HOUSE moniker was attached by the distributors in post-production to cash in on the HOUSE craze begun by the original HOUSE and HOUSE II: THE SECOND STORY. It does, however, take place largely within a house. Then comes THE HORROR SHOW part. I suppose this refers to a brief scene where Max Jenke (played by the inimitable Brion James, also known as the android in BLADE RUNNER who says "Wake up, time to die" and the one-armed Cajun in SOUTHERN COMFORT) turns into a morbid talk show host. But this is not the tradition from which HOUSE III: THE HORROR SHOW emerges. It is, in fact, nearly identical to Wes Craven's SHOCKER, though it surprisingly and neatly eclipses that better known film on all fronts. Furthermore, it's directed by former Cronenberg makeup technician (and helmer of JASON X) James Isaac, who infuses the film with his own flesh-mutating obsessions, including a chest slit (just like VIDEODROME) and a disgusting turkey dinner (just like ERASERHEAD). So back to the SHOCKER comparison. The plot is this: a serial killer (Brion James) with a nemesis (Lance Henriksen) is put to death by the electric chair (the warden is played by Lawrence Tierney), but instead becomes electricity itself, commits more murders, and gets his nemesis blamed for them. Also see: GHOST IN THE MACHINE. While SHOCKER suffers from just overall lameness, HOUSE III falls into no such traps. Case in point: when the killer, Pinker, gets initially zapped in SHOCKER, he merely says: "No more mister nice guy!," a particularly weak one-liner, which was also the subtitle for the film. In HOUSE III, when Brion James gets zapped, he deliciously intones: "All that did was give me a hard-on!"

Then he gets out of the chair, rips it to pieces, points straight at Lance Henriksen, and bellows: "I'M GONNA TEAR YOUR WORLD APART!" Based on this scene alone, HOUSE III is far superior, not just to most serial-killer coming-back-from-the-electric-chair as-killer-electricity films, but to most films in general. Brion James even considered Max Jenke his finest role, and the man is in everything from RED HEAT to TANGO & CASH, God rest his soul (1945-1999). Lance Henriksen exudes extraordinary pathos as Detective Lucas McCarthy, and there are all kinds of well-done subplots, from a mysterious scientist trying to solve the riddle of Max Jenke, to a missing house cat that turns up in the most unexpected of places to one whacky kid and his winnings of a lifetime supply of chili! Five stars! Also see: HOUSE drinking game.

-Sean Gill