Showing posts with label Rutger Hauer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rutger Hauer. Show all posts
Saturday, December 21, 2019
"Rejected Alternatives to Roy Batty's 'Tears in Rain'" in Queen Mob's Teahouse
Thursday, July 25, 2019
R.I.P., Rutger Hauer
Rutger offers Ice-T a few of life's finer things before the deluge in SURVIVING THE GAME.
FLESH + BLOOD: "Rutger Hauer simmers and scowls––a calculating, towheaded, serpentine fiend, and murderer who might be the closest thing we've got to a 'hero.'"
A joy ride in BLIND FURY: "There's a hell of a lot of lip-pursing and brow-raising and eye-squinting, but instead of coming across as over-the-top, it's simply a means for Hauer to externalize our key suspension of disbelief– that a blind man can achieve near-supernatural feats of swordplay."
THE 10TH KINGDOM: "Sure, he could've phoned this in (like he did in Hallmark's TV remake of THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE), but by gum, he's givin' it his all. It's like THE HITCHER infiltrated the Disney universe– this is what I'm talkin' about!"
Monday, December 21, 2015
Only now does it occur to me... CROSSWORLDS (1996)
Only now does it occur to me... that you all needed to see Rutger Hauer repelling mystical, trans-dimensional, early CGI force energy with his bare hands.
Keep up the good work!
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Only now does it occur to me... THE OSTERMAN WEEKEND (1993)
Only now does it occur to me... that as we prepare for the long holiday weekend, the question we must ask ourselves is, "Shall we make this weekend an OSTERMAN WEEKEND?" The answer is, indubitably, that we should and shall not.
Technically Sam Peckinpah's swansong (based on a Robert Ludlum novel), THE OSTERMAN WEEKEND is a spy thriller with one of the greatest casts ever assembled:
Burt Lancaster (BRUTE FORCE, FROM HERE TO ETERNITY, SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS, SEVEN DAYS IN MAY) playing as close an approximation to Alexander Haig as possible without being litigious:
Rutger Hauer (BLADE RUNNER, FLESH + BLOOD, BLIND FURY) in his first role as an "American," playing a television talking-head who's plunged into cloak n' dagger intrigue:
Meg Foster (she of the famous ice-blue eyes in THEY LIVE, MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE, and BLIND FURY) as a bow-hunting aficionado
who is married to Rutger (so BLIND FURY was really just an OSTERMAN WEEKEND reunion?):
John Hurt (he of the velvet voice from I, CLAUDIUS; ALIEN, WATERSHIP DOWN, THE ELEPHANT MAN, and MIDNIGHT EXPRESS) as a manipulated CIA lackey
who appears from time to time inside your microwave oven:
(I know it's not really a microwave, but still)
Dennis Hopper (BLUE VELVET, EASY RIDER, REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE) as a creepy businessman with an RV (what else would he be?):
Craig T. Nelson (COACH, ACTION JACKSON) as a beefy, mustachioed man
who at one point enthusiastically strangles Rutger Hauer with a ball bat:
and Chris Sarandon (FRIGHT NIGHT, THE PRINCESS BRIDE, DOG DAY AFTERNOON) as a hot-tub frequenting, morally dubious crony.
It's no ninja hot tub, nor is it a Calamity Jane hot tub
Unfortunately, neither Peckinpah nor the amazing cast can save OSTERMAN from being the blandest of bland Cold War thrillers––it's a generic, exhausting mess that doesn't deliver in the suspense, coherence, or action departments. The lack of compelling action is especially notable given that Peckinpah has never skimped when given the opportunity (he once said that BRING ME THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA was the only film of his that didn't involve destructive studio interference).
Perhaps Peckinpah's original cut is worth our time (he was fired during post-production) but frankly, even if I could get my hands on it, I don't think I could get it up for anything OSTERMAN WEEKEND-related for a long while.
John Hurt will voice his disapproval with the most mellifluous voice in cinema.
If you're in the mood for some 80s spy action, allow me to recommend instead CLOAK & DAGGER, GOTCHA, THE FALCON AND THE SNOWMAN, or Grace Jones in A VIEW TO A KILL instead. Happy Thanksgiving!
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Film Review: DRACULA 3D (2012, Dario Argento)
Running Time: 110 minutes.
Tag-line: "ARGENTO'S 3-D"
Notable Cast or Crew: Asia Argento (TRAUMA, SCARLET DIVA, THE LAST MISTRESS), Rutger Hauer (THE HITCHER, BLADE RUNNER), Thomas Kretschmann (DOWNFALL, KING KONG '05), Unax Ugalde (GOYA'S GHOSTS). Written by Argento, Enrique Cerezo (PHANTOMS, WITCHING AND BITCHING), Stefano Piani, and Antonio Tentori (Fulci's A CAT IN THE BRAIN). Music by Claudio Simonetti (of Goblin fame).
Best One-liner: "RAHHHHHHH!"
What to say? What can one say? I love you, Dario. You used to be an artist, man. An artist, for Chrissakes! I love you, but you made a bad movie. Worse-than-THE CARD PLAYER bad. Worse-than-GIALLO bad. Worse than bottommost barrel of bottom-of-the-barrel Fulci. It can't even hold a candle to VAMPIRES: LOS MUERTOS. I hesitate to even call this thing a movie. It's more like an inferior Ren Faire filmed for the Hallmark Channel, but with a few reels switched out from a softcore sex movie, and a few others replaced by the gory bits from early first-person-shooters like DOOM or WOLFENSTEIN 3D. Don't believe me? See for yourself. SEE FOR YOURSELF!!!
The corridors of Wolfenstein 3D...
...give way to Hallmark softcore?!
...And in some cases every terrible aspect converges, as seen in this freeze frame where a primitive CGI depiction of a nude woman is flung across the room by the invisible, Force-like rage of Dracula.
Good Lord, how did it come to this? The lighting in SUSPIRIA is a work of art unto to itself; conversely, not only is this lit like a cheap TV movie, it's absolutely the brightest horror film I've ever seen. Even the nighttime scenes are harshly illumed by crude floodlights.
I scoured the entire, nearly two-hour runtime of this film, and this is the most artistic screen capture I could find. Whereas, if you freeze any random frame of DEEP RED or SUSPIRIA, you'll find a work of art worthy of hanging in a gallery.
If the internet is to be believed, this had a budget of nearly $8 million U.S.– how is that possible? Was it a tax cheat of some kind? A scenario like THE PRODUCERS? SPRINGTIME FOR DRACULA?
Poor Asia Argento shows up out of a sense of family obligation in the way that some folks are guilted home for the holidays.
(And if that dress didn't come from a Ren Faire, I'll eat my goddamn shoe!)
Except at your last family get-together, your Dad probably didn't write a gratuitous nude bathing scene for you:
It's kind of troubling that, just off the top of my head, I can think of three gratuitous nude bathing scenes in which Asia has appeared in her father's films (MOTHER OF TEARS, TRAUMA, and DRACULA 3D). Yikes!
Regardless, like at any awkward family function, Asia puts on a brave face:
Whew. She is a real trouper and she deserves better. That is all.
Dracula himself (Thomas Kretschmann) is awfully disappointing.
If the pun hadn't already been beaten into the dust, I would daresay that their Dracula "sucks." I could say, he "makes my blood boil." I might even say he "pounds the last nail into the coffin" that is this movie. But I won't.
Instead, I'll say he sorta looks like a low-rent Daniel Craig and says things like "RAHHH" all the time.
Sometimes he says "AAAAAAAAH!"
With production value that reminds me of THE ROOM, I have to say this was a major missed opportunity: I think that Tommy Wiseau, with his ambiguous Euro accent and long dark tresses, would have made for a much better Dracula.
And their Harker (Unax Ugalde), don't get me started on their Harker– he makes Keanu Reeves in Coppola's DRACULA '92 look like a pro. I repeat, their Harker makes Keanu look like a pro.
What to say? What can one say? I love you, Dario. You used to be an artist, man. An artist, for Chrissakes! I love you, but you made a bad movie. Worse-than-THE CARD PLAYER bad. Worse-than-GIALLO bad. Worse than bottommost barrel of bottom-of-the-barrel Fulci. It can't even hold a candle to VAMPIRES: LOS MUERTOS. I hesitate to even call this thing a movie. It's more like an inferior Ren Faire filmed for the Hallmark Channel, but with a few reels switched out from a softcore sex movie, and a few others replaced by the gory bits from early first-person-shooters like DOOM or WOLFENSTEIN 3D. Don't believe me? See for yourself. SEE FOR YOURSELF!!!
The corridors of Wolfenstein 3D...
...give way to Hallmark softcore?!
...And in some cases every terrible aspect converges, as seen in this freeze frame where a primitive CGI depiction of a nude woman is flung across the room by the invisible, Force-like rage of Dracula.
Good Lord, how did it come to this? The lighting in SUSPIRIA is a work of art unto to itself; conversely, not only is this lit like a cheap TV movie, it's absolutely the brightest horror film I've ever seen. Even the nighttime scenes are harshly illumed by crude floodlights.
I scoured the entire, nearly two-hour runtime of this film, and this is the most artistic screen capture I could find. Whereas, if you freeze any random frame of DEEP RED or SUSPIRIA, you'll find a work of art worthy of hanging in a gallery.
If the internet is to be believed, this had a budget of nearly $8 million U.S.– how is that possible? Was it a tax cheat of some kind? A scenario like THE PRODUCERS? SPRINGTIME FOR DRACULA?
Poor Asia Argento shows up out of a sense of family obligation in the way that some folks are guilted home for the holidays.
(And if that dress didn't come from a Ren Faire, I'll eat my goddamn shoe!)
Except at your last family get-together, your Dad probably didn't write a gratuitous nude bathing scene for you:
It's kind of troubling that, just off the top of my head, I can think of three gratuitous nude bathing scenes in which Asia has appeared in her father's films (MOTHER OF TEARS, TRAUMA, and DRACULA 3D). Yikes!
Regardless, like at any awkward family function, Asia puts on a brave face:
Whew. She is a real trouper and she deserves better. That is all.
Dracula himself (Thomas Kretschmann) is awfully disappointing.
If the pun hadn't already been beaten into the dust, I would daresay that their Dracula "sucks." I could say, he "makes my blood boil." I might even say he "pounds the last nail into the coffin" that is this movie. But I won't.
Instead, I'll say he sorta looks like a low-rent Daniel Craig and says things like "RAHHH" all the time.
Sometimes he says "AAAAAAAAH!"
With production value that reminds me of THE ROOM, I have to say this was a major missed opportunity: I think that Tommy Wiseau, with his ambiguous Euro accent and long dark tresses, would have made for a much better Dracula.
And their Harker (Unax Ugalde), don't get me started on their Harker– he makes Keanu Reeves in Coppola's DRACULA '92 look like a pro. I repeat, their Harker makes Keanu look like a pro.
Rutger Hauer, as Van Helsing, limps in well past the hour-long mark to slay a few vamps.
He knows the score. He probably didn't, back when he signed the contracts, but by the time he arrived on set and beheld its full indignity, he knew what to do. "What to do" in this instance being to shamefully phone in his performance. I don't, I won't, and I can't begrudge him that.
Eventually, he must contemplate the resilience of his 401K while observing Asia Argento wrapped in blobs of CGI fire.
Sure, we can pretend that it didn't happen, but we'd still know in our hearts that it did.
Hell, by the end it looks like this thing gave him PTSD, and this is a guy who survived the Hallmark version of THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE.
There, there. It'll be okay, Rutger.
But forget Rutger and Asia– it's the CGI that's the true star of this movie. The true art of this movie, I should say. Look at this incredible werewolf transformation. I'd venture to say you've seen nothing quite like it this side of a Nintendo 64 cutscene:
"The true work of art is but a shadow of the divine perfection." –Michelangelo
"Without art, the crudeness of reality would make the world unbearable." –George Bernard Shaw
"Art is the right hand of Nature. The latter has only given us being, the former has made us men." –Frederick Schiller
And what's this? That ain't NOSFERATU's shadow creeping up the stairs:
What form of Dracula could that be...? It couldn't possibly be a praying mantis, could it? Because that would be ridiculous.
Immediately after that bit with the mantis there, Dracula absconds with Mina, who has just witnessed the madness. She wonders aloud, "What did I see?"
And it all ends in a classic fake-out, with the defeated Dracula's ashes rishing into a smoky CGI wolf's head that roars IN OUR FACE.
"The purpose of art is to wash the dust of daily life off of our souls." –Pablo Picasso
One star. For old time's sake, Dario. For the love of the art.
–Sean Gill
2014 HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN
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