Film Review: ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO (2003, Robert Rodriguez)

Stars: 4.5 of 5.
Running Time: 102 minutes.
Tag-line: "The Time Has Come."
Notable Cast or Crew: Antonio Banderas, Salma Hayek, Willem Dafoe, Johnny Depp, Mickey Rourke, Eva Mendes, Danny Trejo, Cheech Marin, Rubén Blades, Enrique Iglesias, Marco Leonardi.
Best one-liner: "Ok. Smoke him... Smoke the fucker! Send him straight to fucking Broadway."

Rodriguez's continued retellings of his "Sergio Leone by-way-of Walter Hill and John Woo" EL MARIACHI legend are like a monstrous, runaway snowball. And as it rolls downhill, it increases in speed, size, ludicrousity, and finally, by ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO, it's a completely deranged, rampaging behemoth full of eclectic actors, jaw-dropping setpieces, and a tangible joie de vivre that its contemporaries truly lack.




Here's 10 reasons why ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO rises above the muck of your typical 00's action flick and is worthy of your time:

#1. Some movies will, at times, splash a little blood or water on the lens. I think it's meant to amplify the grittiness, but for me it intensifies the disconnect- 'I'm watching a movie.' Rodriguez goes a step further: during a desert dirt bike chase, some cacti get blasted and the lens is spattered with cactus juice, which I have no choice but to wholeheartedly support.


#2. Mickey Rourke (and his l'il doggie). Now this is 21st Century Rourke (fossilized skin, gravelly voice, and every third word is "goddamn") at his finest.

His purple suits are not costumes- they're from his personal wardrobe. He exudes actual pathos, and in the course of a few brief scenes builds a relationship with his little chihuahua buddy that's more genuine and touching than anything from a weepie picture.

#3. Depp and his kitschy accoutrements.

From a CLASH OF THE TITANS lunchbox to an 'I'm With Stupid' t-shirt to the fanny packs, the fake 'staches, and the shorts n' blazer combo, Depp's attire is a testament to the inspired lunacy of the man himself.

Only on set for a few days, Depp hand-picked his own wardrobe from the festering aisles of tacky, border-town thrift shops and proceeded to unleash a hurricane of loopy, Brando-style improvisation, supposedly inspired by an anonymous, eccentric Hollywood mover and shaker who Depp always imagined "wore really cheesy tourist shirts, had a sideline obsession with Broadway, and favored strange, obvious disguises."

The end result is nothing short of astonishing, and 'Agent Sands' surely belongs on the short list of great characters in contemporary action cinema.

#4. Banderas' brutal double low-blow, worthy of Leo Fong. You'll know it when you see it.



Banderas' look says it all: he takes brutal ball-squeezing very seriously.

I'm sad to say, however, that the duration still compares unfavorably to THE EVIL THAT MEN DO.

#5. Willem Dafoe.

Scary with a mustache. Scary in silk shirts. Scary behind bandages. So scary, even Danny Trejo has got the heebie-jeebies, which is really saying something. Hell, he's even freaking out his döppelganger.

It's nearly a throwaway role- one in a parade of villainous entities- but we all know that Dafoe doesn't require a majority of screen-time to be terrifying as all get out.

WILLEM DAFOE WILL STARE INTO YOUR SOUL

#6. This camera angle.

Sometime between the ribaldry of classic 70's action cinema (BRING ME THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA, ROLLING THUNDER, et al.) and the present day, Hollywood moved from "gritty South American hooker in a smoke den with peeling paint" sleaze to "corporate, collagen, plasticine, air-brushed to oblivion" sleaze. And, frankly, I find the latter kind of disturbing. Regardless, while Eva Mendes certainly wouldn't belong in a Peckinpah flick, this camera-angle, and what it represents- an unrepentant, 'let's-call-a-spade-a-spade' style of bawdiness– is refreshing.

#7. "Are you a Mexi-CAN or a Mexi-CAN'T?"


#8. Cheech Marin.

Well, he missed out on the first EL MARIACHI movie, so I suppose he tried to make up for it by subsequently playing seven roles in seven Rodriguez flicks- a feat more impressive than it sounds, given that 5 of those films belong to ongoing series (3 SPY KIDS and 2 EL MARIACHI films). Here, he's amusingly long-winded and has got an eye patch, and that's really all you need to know.

#9. Rubén Blades. He's not the flashiest performer here. He's not an ex-con like Danny Trejo, a funnyman like Cheech Marin, a pop star like Enrique Iglesias, or a petrified, walking cautionary tale like Mickey Rourke.

He's low-key. He's convincing. And Rodriguez outfits him with a story arc that's well worth our time. In a film that's a whirling vortex of over-the-top yarns, off-kilter character actors, and reeling action set-pieces, Blades is that grounding dose of subtlety that really ties it all together.

#10. The finale: an eyeless gunslinger who makes Zatoichi look like Mr. Magoo, Banderas surfing down a staircase on his guitar, PREDATOR 2 references, and endless one-liners- life is good.


Nearly five stars. And while I surely wouldn't say no to a fourth EL MARIACHI flick, I'm not sure how Rodriguez could possibly escalate upon the bedlam contained herein without it collapsing under its own weight...

-Sean Gill

Junta Juleil's Summer '10 Movie Series
1. HELL IN THE PACIFIC (1968, John Boorman)
2. KUFFS (1992, Bruce A. Evans)
3. THE OUTFIT (1973, John Flynn)

4. FOR Y'UR HEIGHT ONLY (1981, Eddie Nicart)

5. A*P*E (1976, Paul Leder)

6. BLIND FURY (1989, Philip Noyce)
7. HIS KIND OF WOMAN (1951, John Farrow)
8. HIGH SCHOOL U.S.A. (1983, Rod Amateau)
9. DR. JEKYLL AND MS. HYDE (1995, David Price)
10. MIDNIGHT IN THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND EVIL (1997, Clint Eastwood)
11. 1990: BRONX WARRIORS (1982, Enzo G. Castellari)
12. FALLING DOWN (1993, Joel Schumacher)
13. TOURIST TRAP (1979, David Schmoeller)
14. THE THREE MUSKETEERS (1973, Richard Lester)
15. BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA (1986, John Carpenter)
16. TOP GUN (1986, Tony Scott)
17. 48 HRS. (1982, Walter Hill)
18. ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO (2003, Robert Rodriguez)
19. ...

Film Review: FATAL BEAUTY (1987, Tom Holland)

Stars: 4.6 of 5.
Running Time: 104 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Whoopi Goldberg, Sam Elliott (FROGS, THE BIG LEBOWSKI), Brad Dourif (ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST, CHILD'S PLAY), Harris Yulin (CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER, ST. IVES), Cheech Marin, Mark Pellegrino (Jacob on TV's LOST, MULHOLLAND DR.), James LeGros (DRUGSTORE COWBOY, GUNCRAZY), John P. Ryan (IT'S ALIVE, CLASS OF 1999), M.C. Gainey (Tom Friendy on TV's LOST, SIDEWAYS), Rubén Blades (PREDATOR 2, ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO), Charles Hallahan (Norris in THE THING, SILKWOOD). Music by Harold Faltermeyer (KUFFS, THE RUNNING MAN). Holy shit, the only people missing from this movie are Clu Gulager, Donald Pleasence, and James Remar.
Tag-line: "An earthquake is about to hit L.A. It's called Detective Rita Rizzoli."
Best one-liner: "Do you want a glass?" –"Do I want a glass? No, wrap it in a taco, dumb motherfucker, yes, I want a glass!"

FATAL BEAUTY is an extremely underrated (buddy) cop thriller directed by Tom Holland (CHILD'S PLAY, FRIGHT NIGHT) and written by Hilary Henkin (ROAD HOUSE) and Dean Riesner (DIRTY HARRY). The cast is extremely eclectic and chock full of undersung, prolific 80's character actors, and Whoopi has never been more likable. There's ginormous boom boxes, zany high-heel'd hookers, chubby Latino queens channeling Divine, Cheech Marin as a smarmy bartender ("Gimme a kiss"), and Rubén Blades as a bearded, milquetoast cop who doesn't even know who Richard Gere is (zany, right?).

It's a forgotten film, misplaced in a sea of BEVERLY HILLS COPS, LETHAL WEAPONS, and DIE HARDS. Discarded, derided, and disregarded, this is the sort of thing that Drug Mart puts in the 50-cent bin, then withdraws from circulation entirely 'cause no one is renting it... except me. I am renting it. And then I am proclaiming it to be a "hidden gem" for all the world to hear. So here are thirteen reasons why FATAL BEAUTY deserves its place in the pantheon, beside the likes of THE FRENCH CONNECTION and TURNER & HOOCH:

#1. John P. Ryan (R.I.P.) as the crusty Lieutenant who you love to hate. He drinks Pepto Bismol out of the bottle, smokes a pipe, and is always threatening Whoopi with that old standby– We'll stick you behind a desk if you screw up one more time, you whacky action-luvin' cop! He gets to deliver the classic "Gut feeling! We need probable cause– we can't go down to the D.A.'s office with your gut!" But then he pulls a disappearing trick halfway through the narrative and is never heard from again. It's a thankless job, and John P. Ryan has to do it. And I don't even grace him with a screencap here. That's completely unintentional, but probably an all-too-common theme for the credit owed to John P. Ryan. Lost in the shuffle. IT'S ALIVE? You probably just remember the killer baby. CLASS OF 1999? You can't think of anything but Pam Grier's robot boobs. RENT-A-COP? All you can think of is Liza getting goosed and James Remar dancing up a storm. THREE O'CLOCK HIGH? The bully. DEATH WISH 4? Bronson. WHITE SANDS? Dafoe. And John P. Ryan doesn't even get credited in that one. Where is the love? One of these days, I will devote an entire week to John P. Ryan. But, poetically, I'll probably forget that I ever promised that.

#2. M.C. Gainey and Norris from THE THING (Charles Hallahan) as two sexist cops who Whoopi schools the shit out of.

In fact, that's kind of the set-up for the entire film: A. People offend Whoopi, calling her "bitch," "cunt," or by engaging in illegal activity. B. Whoopi kicks their asses and has a snazzy retort. Case in point: "Kevlar, bitch!" BLAM BLAM BLAM –"Smith & Wesson, asshole!" The retort doesn't even have to be that scathing, it just has to be sassy: "Hey, stay bent over like that and I'll show you a good time." –"Oh yeah? One quick hump and you'd be in the hospital, honey."

#3. Whoopi's style- she's got a cat like Philip Marlowe, drives around in a snazzy pink Mustang (shades of "AWSOM 50" anyone?),

decorates her home with Chuck Berry paintings, shoots dudes in the ass and then tortures them, and whomps a WASPin' country club beyotch into a pool and thru plate glass window.

"Everywhere I go, people are dyin' to meet me." I didn't even get to the scene where she steals cookies from a restaurant before she leaves to abuse a suspect in the meat locker. Yes, she is awesome.

I must admit, in the past I have generally had pretty lukewarm feelings on the subject of Whoopi Goldberg. Now she is a lifetime member of Junta Juleil's Hall-o-Fame.

#4. Rizzoli! I guess Whoopi is an Italian-American. Have-a some more s'getts, you look-a too thin! Whether or not the screenplay was written for a black woman is certainly open to debate, since they definitely run with some of the jokier aspects (in retrospect?). Either way, I love it.

#5. Whoopi's undercover costumes. Whether she's dressed as "Tina Turner meets Golan-Globus crackwhore":

Note sunglasses.

or like a 1960's housewife-slash-debutante:

her many disguises are guaranteed to delight and inspire.

#6. Mark Pellegrino as Billy Idol-lookin' punk named Frankenstein. Compare it to his character in DEATH WISH 4. It really puts a whole new spin on LOST. (And one scene in particular even eerily anticipates the Season 5 finale.) In fact, wait a minute- this movie is full of LOST alumni (M.C. Gainey, Cheech Marin). The wheels are turning.

Note the black and white imagery.

#7. The guy who chews on a glass bottle for no reason. Hey, Busey lit his arm on fire in LETHAL WEAPON, so why not.

#8. Whiny James LeGros. He's the first of two characters to drop the C-bomb on Whoopi (Dourif being the other) and is referred to as a "snot nosed limp dick in designer jeans."

LeGros prepares to drop the c-bomb with little to no warning.

Don't worry, though, the country club douchebomb who Whoopi whoops with such commitment and élan... is his mom.



#9. Sam Elliott. So soothing.

Seriously, though, he and Werner Herzog should team up and do a radio show. The show could air from, I don't know, maybe 7-10 AM EST on weekdays, and I could set my clock radio to it, and that way I could bestir myself to something other than "Time keeps on slippin' slippin' slippin'...into the future..." which I guess is soothing in its own way, but it feels very old hat to me at this point in my life but I guess it's my own fault for having the dial tuned to a classic rock station only plays about five or six different songs. I digress. Regardless, Sam Elliot says, "I always had a thing for Italian ladies." Ro-mannnce!

#10. The eponymous cocaine blend which will kill you or drive you crazy in thirty seconds. WHATTT?! What a great plot development! It's so over-the-top and with such high stakes, that I have to say we're nearly in DEAD HEAT territory.

#11. Brad Dourif. Cast (in a pre-Chucky Tom Holland flick!) as the main villain, it doesn't matter if he's in silk shirts, ridic 80's wool sport coats or weird little red shoes- his frizzy hair is in that classic lopsided part, and he's skittering around like he's king of the drug world.


He's surprisingly earnest, too. Well, at least before he starts killing everybody. We're entreated to the sight of Dourif blasting automatic weapons and shooting up innocent bystanders and security guards at a mall, which is strangely similar to the opening scene of CHILD'S PLAY- in fact, in addition to thinking of it as a second parallel universe on LOST, I'm going to start considering FATAL BEAUTY as a prequel to the Chucky movies. Hey, they both use the word "bitch" a lot.

#12. Harris Yulin. Always typecast as this sort of character. Always great at it. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Is that a terrycloth smoking jacket or an especially dignified robe?

#13. The ending that may or may not involve a mustache kiss and a freeze frame, and the closing credits song "It's Criminal" by Shannon. "It's crim-in-nal. I THINK IT'S A CRIME! It's crim-in-nal. DOIN' TIME!"

-Sean Gill

Film Review: Q&A (1990, Sidney Lumet)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 132 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Nick Nolte, Timothy Hutton (Romero's THE DARK HALF, KINSEY, ORDINARY PEOPLE), Luis Guzman (THE LIMEY, THE SUBSTITUTE, TRAFFIC), Armand Assante (THE ODYSSEY TV miniseries, JUDGE DREDD, STRIPTEASE) , Charles S. Dutton (SE7EN, CROCODILE DUNDEE II, SURVIVING THE GAME), Paul Calderon (BAD LIEUTENANT, COP LAND, PULP FICTION), Jenny Lumet (Sidney's daughter, writer of RACHEL GETTING MARRIED), Fyvush Finkel (PICKET FENCES, NIXON), Rubén Blades soundtrack.
Tag-lines: "When the questions are dangerous, the answers can be deadly. " Seriously. What the hell kind of tag-line is that?
Best one-liner: "You know, we knew you was a punk then but you're being a punk now. Yeah, detective, come on, you couldn't find a fucking Jew in Rockaway. You know, you got a badge and a gun but you're still a punk so shut the fuck up."

Q: Has Sidney Lumet ever made a bad movie?
A: Maybe just once. But we're not here to talk about THE WIZ, we're here to talk about Q&A.

Q: So how is Q&A?
A: It's pretty damn brilliant. It's Abel Ferrara gritty, it's got the Lumet police procedural, melodrama, and man vs. the system we've seen in SERPICO and PRINCE OF THE CITY, and it's got a ridiculously good ensemble cast.

Q: How ridiculously good?
A: Nolte is a goddamned powerhouse as the closeted, completely vicious, macho old-school cop. He's corpulent, terrifying, and larger than life.

Nolte terrorizes hookers...


...and Timothy Hutton...

...with great ease...

...and sinister flair.

Armand Assante, Luis Guzman, and Paul Calderon shine, as always, and Timothy Hutton is formidable as our entry point into this world of cigar-smoke-filled-room deals, gleeful corruption, and good-old-boys' protections.

Q: Does Lumet ask the tough questions?
A: He leaps headfirst into a world of racism, homophobia, trans sex workers, and rampant police corruption, so...yeah. He doesn't gloss over any detail, showing a sick, prejudiced, oligarchical world that's unlikely to be cured by anything short of an apocalypse.

Q: Well, if you're gushing all over the place, why just four stars?
A: Well, I'll tell you. Q&A falls in that span between 1990 and 1994 when the 80's were getting awkwardly phased out and it became especially evident in film music. Wang Chung feels perfectly natural in TO LIVE AND DIE IN L.A. because that's supposed to be the aesthetic- 80's summer heat, gently pulsating beats, and lots of pastels. The musical mess that Ruben Blades concocts here is not tied to anything, works against the aesthetics, and definitely undermines the film. Something like a Howard Shore score (think his soundtrack for Cronenberg's CRASH) would have been a perfect fit.
Anyway, the film also ends on a note that screams studio intervention. So overall, four stars, but still a brilliant film. It's all there in the Q&A.

Film Review: PREDATOR 2 (1990, Stephen Hopkins)

Stars: 3 of 5.
Running Time: 108 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Danny Glover, Gary Busey, Maria Conchita Alonso, Ruben Blades, Bill Paxton, Adam Baldwin, Robert Davi, Kevin Peter Hall, Calvin Lockhart, Alan Silvestri, Mark Goldblatt (editor and director of DEAD HEAT)
Tag-line: "Pull over, park, and pray." AND "Hunting season opens again... this Christmas."
Best one-liner(s): "Want some candy?"
Best lazy one-liner: "I'll show you insubordination, you sonofabitch!"

MYTH: The finale of PREDATOR 2 involves Gary Busey putting the Predator in a headlock and biting off some of his dreds with his ginormous, shining teeth. FACT: If it did, this movie would have garnered five stars.

Another FACT: the Busey storyline is given the short shrift, and has a frankly anticlimactic conclusion. Although they at least allow him to psychotically say, "Lions and tigers and bears...OH MAI."

MYTH: Danny Glover's main character trait in this film is that he likes having an extensive collection of handguns.

FACT: Glover's key character trait is that he despises birds. "Damn. Damned birds!" Maybe they figured, hey, snakes worked for Indiana Jones, so...

MYTH: The Predator is pro-choice. FACT: The Predator has a stranglehold on an ARMED woman, and is about to deliver the coup de grace when his thermal vision spies a baby within her womb.

He spares her, thus affirming his pro-life ideals or that he considers all fetuses to be humans or something.

MYTH: The filmmakers accurately depict voodoo and its rituals. FACT: Shall we begin with the fact that in the film, it's a JAMAICAN, not Haitian, killer voodoo posse? In fact, I'm pretty sure the only reason they inserted this plotline was so there could be a couple shots of dudes in dredlocks in silhouette and then for half a second you could be like "Wait, is that the Predator?... Oh."

MYTH: This movie tried to make "Damn birds" into a catchphrase. FACT: It was "Want some candy?"

MYTH: There's hardly any POV Predator-vision in this movie. FACT: They went overboard. Even the main title is in Predator-vision.

There's so much Predator-vision that the viewer will later DREAM in Predator-vision. They should have called this movie PREDATOR 2: PREDATOR-VISION.

Concluding thoughts: Three stars: five stars for Busey, Glover, and overall insanity, minus two stars for not using Busey to full capacity. "It's between ME and HEIM!"

-Sean Gill