Film Review: THE PROTECTOR (1985, James Glickenhaus)

Stars: 3 of 5.

Running Time: 91 minutes.

Notable Cast or Crew: Jackie Chan (RUMBLE IN THE BRONX, THE LEGEND OF DRUNKEN MASTER), Danny Aiello (THE STUFF, DO THE RIGHT THING), Roy Chiao (BLOODSPORT, INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM), John Spencer (THE ROCK, THE WEST WING), Mike Starr (GOODFELLAS, ED WOOD), Moon Lee (MR. VAMPIRE, FIGHTING MADAM, FIGHTING MADAM 2).  Cinematography by Mark Irwin (VIDEODROME, SCANNERS).

Tag-line:  "Now, New York has a new weapon––a cop with his own way of fighting crime!"

Best one-liner:  "I never go anywhere in southeast Asia without an Uzi!"

In a familiar, darkened alleyway:
"Whaddya got for me today?"
-"Jackie Chan."
"Brilliant––he's one of my all-time favorite action stars, what with his gleeful comic timing, death-defying stunts, and penchant for Cannon Films-style wacky-action!"
-"What would you call that?  'Wacktion?'"
"Oh, stop.  So which one is it?  RUMBLE IN THE BRONX?  THE LEGEND OF DRUNKEN MASTER? WHO AM I?"
-"THE PROTECTOR."
"THE PROTECTOR?!  You've never reviewed a Jackie Chan movie before, and you're starting with this one?"
-"This ain't my first Jackie-rodeo.  I can start wherever I want.  Though the truth is, I'm starting here because something like RUMBLE IN THE BRONX fills me with so much joy that I find myself unable to do something so pedestrian as taking notes for a review."
"But THE PROTECTOR?!  Jackie disavowed this film––the Americans didn't know what to do with him, despite the fact it's a Golden Harvest co-production.  It's filled with toothless action, devoid of humor, and clearly choreographed by frightened insurance adjusters.  It's like they checked Jackie's charm at the door and stuck him in the middle of a straight-to-video Chuck Norris vehicle."
-"I take offense to that."
"But you'll admit that this is a little more 'HERO AND THE TERROR' than 'SUPERCOP,' will you not?"
-"So it's not his best work.  So what?  There's plenty to enjoy here, and on a number of levels.  For starters, it's from director James Glickenhaus, a sleazy-NYC scion who brought us MCBAIN and THE EXTERMINATOR, and who is thus indirectly responsible for EXTERMINATOR 2, one of Cannon Films' greatest achievements."
"Go on..."
-"It depicts a New York hellscape, like out of DEATH WISH 3 or CYBORG, gangs with gaudy skull earrings and leather jackets with oversized shoulderpads roaming around a burned-out urban husk, populated only by man-sized rats and trash can fires.  They take out truckin' buddy semi-trailers like bandits going after covered wagons. "

"I can appreciate that."
-"Then we have Jackie Chan and his partner."

"Who's his partner?"
-"It really doesn't matter, because in his very first scene he shows off a stuffed animal he bought for his kid.  This small, sympathetic touch clearly telegraphs that he's not long for this world.  Saying it was his last week before retirement would have worked just as well, too."
"As far as buddy cop flicks go, that is an indisputable truth."
-"Indeed.  And as I predicted, he is fated to die before even nine minutes of movie have elapsed.  Gunned down by a gang of dudes with machine guns who accidentally rob a dive bar at 10:00 A.M. instead of the grocery store from COBRA, which they clearly intended."

"What a tragic scene."
-"Don't worry--Jackie puts it right, blasting the bad dudes with a handgun and only occasionally using flourishes of physicality and martial art.


The last guy escapes, but Jackie aims a speedboat at his speedboat and blows him up real good, all the while making his escape with a very conveniently timed helicopter rope."



"Is that the Statue of Liberty, under renovation?"
-"Hell yes it is.  That's the kind of moxie this movie's got.  Glickenhaus loves his New York, warts and all.  Where another filmmaker might have chosen not to show the scaffolding to preserve the aesthetic fairy tale, Glickenhaus revels in it.  He probably shows it to us five or six times."
"Nice."
-"And curiously, the caliber of cinematography is much higher than you'd expect for this sort of film.  I soon discovered it was vividly photographed by Cronenberg's own Mark Irwin!"

"That man sure knows how to do a glassy, glossy cityscape."
 -"Indeed he does.  So with the plot officially underway, THE PROTECTOR makes sure it hits every buddy cop trope, down the line.  Jackie's stick-up-his-ass boss disciplines him with the old "that's no excuse for blowing up half the goddamn harbor" and threatens to have his "badge and gun on my desk!"

We've all been there.

which is followed up by a slow clap scene whereupon his colleagues dramatically submit their approval of his maverick, hot-doggin', action-luvin' ways.




This is one of the best-ever 'contagious slow-clap' scenes in cinema, right up there with ROCKY IV.  The dead-eyed stare from the cop who starts it is well worth the price of admission.

Soon thereafter, there's a fashion show (prefiguring DEATH WISH 5),

Not quite ALL THAT JAZZ.

and Jackie is paired with Danny Aiello, and pretty much the remainder of the film takes place in Hong Kong––"
"Hold on one gosh-gadoodlin' minute.  Did you say Danny Aiello?"
-"Yes."

"You mean to tell me that there exists an 80s buddy cop movie with Jackie Chan and Danny Aiello."
-"Correct."
"Talk about burying the lede!  What the hell are you doing?"
-"Come on.  Let me do this at my own pace."
"So what does this turn into, a fish-out-of-water story, with Aiello at sea in Hong Kong?"

-"No, and they were clearly resisting that idea.  They say he 'spent a lot of time there during Vietnam.'  You can tell he knows the city very well because they have him say things like 'I never go anywhere in southeast Asia without an Uzi!'"
"Oh."
-"Yeah.  Once we get to Hong Kong, the proceedings slow down a little bit.  I think Glickenhaus is a bit out of his element. Eventually, there's an assassin wearing Marianne Faithfull's outfit from GIRL ON A MOTORCYCLE, some head butts, some homoerotic splashing,


an action scene at a massage parlor/brothel, and a guy who attacks Jackie Chan with a handheld buzzsaw."

"Is that buzzsaw spraying neon-colored liquids?"
-"They're in a paint factory or something.  I don't know.  So later, Roy Chiao––the 'Obi-Wan Kenobi' of BLOODSPORT and the gangster at the Club Obi Wan in INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM shows up to portray the villain of the piece."
"I see what you did there, and I'm not particularly impressed."

-"Anyway, Chiao doesn't have a whole lot to do beyond 'look menacing.'  Eventually, Danny Aiello––and not Jackie Chan, like the movie poster promises––wields that Duke Nukem style hand cannon and makes some stuff explode.

Jackie Chan drops a load of bricks on a helicopter and that's about it.  The stunts never take center stage and Jackie is never is allowed to do anything too endearing.  The whole thing is kinda not as good as it should be."
"That's what I figured.  Next time I'm picking the movie."
-"Yeah, yeah.  Three stars."

––Sean Gill

Film Review: BLOODSPORT (1988, Newt Arnold)

Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: 92 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Donald Gibb (REVENGE OF THE NERDS, STRIPES), Leah Ayres (THE PLAYER, THE BURNING), Forest Whitaker, Roy Chiao ("Lao Che" in INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM), Philip Chan (HARD BOILED, DOUBLE IMPACT), Bolo Yeung (ENTER THE DRAGON, DOUBLE IMPACT), and a supposed bit part by Victor Wong (BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, PRINCE OF DARKNESS). Produced by Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus. Music by Paul Hertzog (KICKBOXER, STREET JUSTICE). Cinematography by David Worth (director of SHARK ATTACK 3 and KICKBOXER). Written by Sheldon Lettich (DOUBLE IMPACT, RAMBO III), Christopher Cosby, and Mel Friedman (who worked on the editorial staff of POLTERGEIST and GYMKATA). Directed by Newt Arnold (assistant director on THE GODFATHER PART II, BLADE RUNNER, and THE ABYSS).
Tag-line: "Based on the real story of the Great White Dragon."
Best one-liner: "He's the American shit head who makes tricks with bricks!"

Thank you, Golan. Thank you, Globus. Thank you, Jean-Claude Van Damme. Thank you, Donald Gibb and Bolo Yeung. Thank you, guy in the back waving all that money around.

I love you all.

BLOODSPORT is a gift.

Happy Kumite! To: The World. From: Cannon Films.

BLOODSPORT. Often is the question asked: Is BLOODSPORT the best fighting tournament movie of all time, or is BLOODSPORT the greatest movie of all time? I don't know if I can answer that. Many have discussed BLOODSPORT, and I don't necessarily want to cover ground that has been better covered by others; ground like Van Damme's ambiguously Belgian-American accent, the fact that BLOODSPORT has more per capita montage sequences than any comparable film, the idea that it's based on a true story, or all the splits.

Er- nevermind, I lied just there at the end. I will be talking about the splits.


How could I not?

In a Cannon Film, the beauty is often in the details. Sure, you sign up for it because of Bronson, or break-dancing, or the desire to see a guy with a flamethrower taking sweet, sweet revenge. But plenty of unwatchable movies might possess those broad characteristics, so what makes a Cannon film a canon film? The minutiae. The little things that lesser film companies would overlook (or not overlook, as it were). A little bit of bad dubbing here, a jazz-dancing henchman there. A wonderfully insane synth riff by George S. Clinton here, an absurd Bronson line-reading there, homoerotic eye contact out of nowhere, and a killer on roller skates when you least expect it. The element of unpredictability fuses with a real, medium-to-low-budget moxie. Anything could and will happen. These films are never allowed to settle into mediocrity because you know, just around the corner, something throwaway but totally schweet is going to cause you to do a spit-take. And so, in order to properly explain the breadth of my true feelings, I shall outline my 20 favorite facets of the gem that is BLOODSPORT:


#1. "Full-contact." The Kumite (the secret fighting tournament in question) is full-contact, and BLOODSPORT never lets you forget it. "Full-contact" must be uttered on several dozen occasions: "Aren't you a little young for full-contact?" "It's full-contact." "Kumite is a full-contact event." "You sure you up for full-contact?"

And then, just before the tournament begins, our heroes are reminded "Remember, this is full-contact!" As if they might say at this point in the game– wait, this is full-WHAT? I'm outta here!

#2. This wonderful paisley shirt, worn by a random Capoeira combatant in the "parade of international fighters" opening montage.

The guys in the back seem to like it just fine.

#3. This random, shirtless spectator also at Capoeira practice–

His slate is a blank one; he is possibly unaware that a movie is being shot. His head lolls from side to side as he blankly cheers on the senseless carnage. He is us. And we are him.

But wait a minute– is that reclusive, transcendent auteur Terrence Malick?

"I wanted more full-contact in DAYS OF HEAVEN, but Gere wasn't having it."

#4. From the same montage– is it just me, or does it seem irresponsible to practice martial arts in a space littered with breakables? I mean, these guys live here, presumably, and they're just one roundhouse kick away from destroying the fine china.

...Or is it that we needed fine china on display, so that we'd know we were in China? Hmm...

#5. The possible air of pedophilia which surrounds the young Van Damme flashback scene. I mean, TEMPLE OF DOOM's Lao Che proposes not calling the cops on young burglar Van Damme, provided they make a "deal." Now the last I saw of actor Roy Chiao, he was sending Indiana Jones and Short Round off to a fiery death. And this kid, who nails the Van Damme Belgian "American" accent perfectly, also nails the appropriate feyness. Whether or not he can do splits remains to be seen, but I suppose that's neither here nor there.



I also appreciate that young JCVD wears a ballcap for the San Francisco Giants and a jersey for the New York Giants, thus revealing his dogged devotion to all organizations bearing the nickname "Giants." While the scene does not in fact culminate in pedophila, it does culminate in twenty-odd years of S&M bondage/martial arts training that's a little more HELLRAISER than KARATE KID.

YAHHHHHHHH

#6. Forest Whitaker as a U.S. Army representative trying to stop JCVD from participating in the Kumite. Here, he's having trouble negotiating the use of his chopsticks.

Smack dab in the middle of this Cannonsanity is Whitaker, delivering a sensitive, sympathetic portrayal. Bravo, sir!

#7. The back alley descent into the seedy world of the Kumite. Ominous synth tones courtesy of Paul Hertzog and moody, shadowy cinematography establish the atmosphere with surprising economy.

Victor (played by Ken Siu, second assistant director and non-actor) the streetwise, large-glasses-wearing guide says,

"Once you step out of the sunlight and into the narrow corridors, it's time to protect your nuts, guys!"

Indeed!

#8. Donald Gibb's memorable portrayal of "Jackson."

He's big, he's loud, and he's uncouth. He wears Harley-Davidson t-shirts, trains for the Kumite by drinkin' beers, and tells government officials "I ain't your pal, dickface!"

And despite it all, Gibb builds real, emotional stakes for his character. This movie is sillier than shit, and yet occasionally you will find yourself caring about a character's well-being, which is no small feat.

And who can resist the Karate video game challenge between Gibb and JCVD,


whereupon JCVD's genuine, loopy, childish grin makes possible their international friendship. I mean, American-on-American friendship. Er, I mean, American friendship.

#9. This random Kumite employee who milks his comic, gold-tooth-stealing moment for all it's worth. Sure, the combatant who lost the tooth was a cartoonish, obnoxious caricature, but apparently stealing teeth in this manner goes strictly against Kumite policy as outlined in the Kumite employee handbook.

He lets the audience know that this endeavor requires the utmost secrecy via his eyebrow-indicating and his exaggerated pantomime. Then he goes back from whence he came, just another random Kumite employee, albeit one gold tooth richer. You had your moment in the sun, my boy, and no one can say you didn't make the most of it!

#10. Gleefully oblivious racism. At least Cannon is an equal-opportunity offender. And I think it's fair to say that it's never malicious. No one can watch LAMBADA's portrayal of Latin dance clubs, MISSING IN ACTION's look at Vietnamese city life, DEATH WISH 3's perfectly-integrated street gangs, or RAPPIN's multi-culti hip-hop finale and accuse Cannon of any ill-intent. Cannon is your scrappy kid brother. Sure he took a dump behind the couch, but come on, he's like 3 years old, he doesn't know any better.

Should one dress an ambiguously Southeast Asian in a dime-store Sheik Halloween costume and pretend that he's an Arab? Cannon Films has the answer– because they never actually posed the question!

So what are the odds that there actually exists an African fighting style that involves ape-like clambering, leaping into trees, and karate-chopping gourds? Pretty low, I would guess, but I'm no Kumite expert. Fighting enthusiasts, feel free to expound upon this in the comments section.

#11. Blindfolded table service. As part of his training, JCVD must serve his shidoshi and his wife dinner while blindfolded.

Instead of looking simply impressed, the shidoshi's wife begins to look curiously turned on.

It's a beautifully uncomfortable little moment. It may also be of note that Golan discovered JCVD waiting tables in L.A. (JCVD impressed him by lifting his leg behind his head without spilling a drop from a tray of soups he was carrying).

#12. The zany chase scene. Zany chase scenes have been a staple of the Cannon diet from the early 80's (EXTERMINATOR 2) to the bitter end (HELLBOUND '94). Here, we have JCVD chased by his army handlers through Hong Kong, pausing frequently to wave to his pursuers and flash his dopey, lovable grin.

And I can't tell you how pleased I am to report that the "80's rule of swimming pools" still applies... to the South China Sea.

Wuh wuh wuh wuhhhhhhhhh... *SPLOOSH*

#13. The reflective "night bus" montage sequence is an experience that reaches even greater heights when JCVD sees the reflection of his nemesis in the window! but thank God, it's just his overactive imagination.


#14. The intrepid reporter/love interest, Janice Kent (Leah Ayres).

From one of her first lines ("I know there's a hidden, full-contact event going on in Hong Kong!") to her undercover infiltration of the Kumite to her burgeoning love affair with JCVD, the audience begins to wonder– what is the purpose of this intrepid reporter? Perhaps she will be kidnapped or used in a blackmail scheme? But around the 49th minute of this fine film, her true purpose becomes known: she is merely an impetus for a gratuitous JCVD ass shot!

JCVD approximately 2 seconds after participating in a gratuitous ass shot.

Before you accuse me of making that up, keep in mind that JCVD's big shower scene was interrupted prematurely by a chase sequence.

Cannon can be sneaky sometimes; you have to fill in the blanks yourself.

#15. Chong Li's (Bolo Yeung) crazy-face.

Surely one of the best villains of the 80's, he furthermore possesses one of the best crazy-faces. Runners-up include Gary Busey in LETHAL WEAPON, James Remar in 48 HRS., Michael Ironside in EXTREME PREJUDICE, and Henry Silva in everything.

#16. Bolo's look of begrudging admiration when JCVD manages to work a dragging split with maximized asscrackage into one of his matches.


"I really like what you did just there."


#17. Additionally, that match in question discussed in #16 may or may not end with another unnecessary JCVD split and a balls grab. So once again, I cement my status as the web's leading authority on brutal ball-squeezing.






#18. Just another random day at the Kumite. I don't know how many Kumites you fellows have been to, but the following images are pretty indicative of what's in store for you. It's about the subtle visual poetry of JCVD jamming his toes into another man's face.

TOE-JAMMIN'

It's about the ethereal majesty of aerial splits and somersaults, and sometimes in unison!

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY FOR A KUMITE

#19. JCVD eye-bulging. Whenever an emotion is called for outside the ring (or off the mat, or whatever), JCVD usually tries his best. We know that he was hired because he can put his leg behind his head, and maybe he knows that we know that. But he's always sincere, and gives it his best shot, sometimes delivering genuine pathos. 

When emotion is called for IN the ring, JCVD does it up the only way he knows how: SCREAMING AND EYE-BULGING!

YAH

YAH-HHH-HHHH-HHHH

#20. "Fight to Survive." Now this is a pretty standard 80's montage song, and it gets to be played once in the movie, and once over the end credits. It's the product of Stan Bush, the songster who has brought us memorable hits from the soundtracks of TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE and KICKBOXER. While the song for the most part is fairly unremarkable:

My body's ready, my heart's on fire
I'm gonna push it over the wire
Perfect timing, tight as a drum, final battle's already won
I'm taking hold of every moment
Given strength by the breath of life (breath of life)
I'm gonna stake my claim
I FIGHT TO SURVIVE

it contains a crucial element that catapults it into greatness.
In short:

KUMI-TE, KUMI-TE, KUMI-TE, KUMI-TE!

You see, a chorus of large, presumably sweaty men (and Kumite veterans) incessantly chant "KUMI-TE" in unison for the refrain, and it is fantastic. So much so, that I found myself occasionally chanting KUMI-TE KUMI-TE to myself at home, around the office, and on the streets. I was watching COOL HAND LUKE a few days afterward, and during the George Kennedy/Paul Newman boxing scene, I couldn't help but pull out great reams of Hong Kong paper money, wave it about, and chant KUMI-TE, KUMI-TE, KUMI-TE!

In the end, it's truly a profound, full-contact experience, and another wondrous jewel in Cannon's crown. Five stars.

-Sean Gill